Looking for the Words to Say

I waited for Bill to come to the door, nervously playing with my hair. My house still wasn't decorated, and it looked downright plain.

knockknockknock

Three knocks in rapid succession. It was nice to see that was the same about him.

I opened the door to Bill's waif like and shivering form. And for a couple minutes, I stared while he blinked, trying to get his eyes adjusted to the dimness of my house compared to the outside. Then, realizing how much of a spazz I was acting, I opened the door wider, motioning with my hand for him to come in.

I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say. Nothing seemed to be enough to convey my feelings to him.
I cleared my throat, “Do you want some coffee to warm you up or something? I made some about twenty minutes ago.”

“Yeah.” He nodded, apparently not knowing what to say either. It was one thing to build this moment up in your mind, and another thing entirely to actually go through it. Stepping past the foyer after kicking off his shoes, he looked around the house. “You haven't decorated. Christmas is in three days, don't you know?”

I stared into the cup while I poured the coffee, a little bashful. “I, uhhh...well it didn't feel the same...without you.” I managed to get out. “And...I just...I don't know.” I ended in a shrug.

“Well, after I finish this cup of fantastic brew.” He grabbed the mug of coffee from me with his left hand and took a sip, “We can put up every bit of decoration you have.” He was standing too close, my brain was getting muddled. I nodded, looking up at him.

We continued on in the thick silence, wondering where to begin. “I'll said, needing to get away from him. I though I'd be okay being near him after all this time. But, really...it hasn't even been that long.

It took my two trips, the second one with Will's help to get all the boxes out. “So, why hasn't your new
boyfriend helped you with this?” Will asked casually, setting his particularly heavy box down. Where he put this strength in those noodle arms of his, I'll never know. Or how he kept so skinny.

“He...uh—we didn't...” I stuttered. I didn't want to completely lie, I had enough of that, but I didn't want to look like an idiot for making up a fake boyfriend. Will nodded, and I knew he knew the truth about it. He could always see through me. Even before we started dating. “Tree first?” I pointed.

“Yeah.” Will responded as I pressed my lips together, lifting the stand to the tree up. When the bare, plastic, prelit tree stood in front of us, Will grabbed the garland. But, instead of putting it on the tree, he started wrapping it around me.

“Will!” I laughed, the tension between up melting as we fell into our usual pattern. True, I could have stepped away to prevent him from covering me head to toe in silver tree decoration, but this is what I wanted, right? For us to be normal again, together?

It just hurt that it wasn't really in the way I wanted it.

“There, you make a way more pretty tree.” Will smiled, stepping back to admire his work. I blushed and tried to untangle myself. But it wasn't working.

“Help?” I pleaded, giving Will my best puppy dog eyes. “Please?” Will's eyes darkened infinitesimally. Oh yeah, this look always got him. He stepped closer to me, eyes cast down on me, making me feel warm all over. I opened my mouth to speak, but came up blank.

He unwrapped my silently, his eyes never leaving mine, but as soon as I could, I stepped back.

We put the garland on the tree in silence. As soon as it was secure around the tree, I playfully threw a plastic ornament bulb at Will. He turned toward me, glaring slightly and threw it back. While he pelted me with ornaments, I tried throwing them back.

The only sound was our laughter and the falling bulbs, and our feet as we chased each other around my apartment.

Giving up, I plopped down in on the couch, William followed actions, falling on the chair.

Breathing hard, I started speaking, “I keep trying to find the words to say to you...”

“And you're still looking?” He offered.

“Mhm.” I nodded, “All I can think is that I'm so sorry I was so selfish. You have your band and that's your life.” I shrugged, “And I should know that, over me, you'll always pick your music. And I shouldn't have asked. You care about it more than you ever could me.”

“That's not true, Blair.” He sat up, his breathing normal now, as was mine, and there was a note of desperateness in his voice. “I care about you way more than I could anything else in the world, including music. When we're gone I'm always itching to get back to you. I should never have left, the last time, I would stay for you every time from now on.”

I sat up now too, “No, Billy, you can't do that for me. I won't let you. It's your little slice of heaven, I can't take that away.”

“For all I thought I'd ever need, you're truly the one thing I can't live without. I'm not going to be a musician forever, I know that, but I could be yours forever. And that's I could ask for, I've told you that.” He told me.

I closed me eyes, I did know this, but it was hard being away from him all the time. I had doubts, you can't blame me, especially about what he does when he's alone...with fans. Girl fans. “But, it's so hard, Bill. I don't know what to do.”

“We've already lasted so long, Blair, we can double the four years, triple, quadruple, as long as you want me, I'd never give up on us.”

“I don't want you.” I breathed out, pointer fingers to my temple. Will's face dropped, “I love you. That's way more than wanting, it's practically a need.”

“Then what's the problem?” He asked.

“Because I might not be the only girl on your mind.” I admitted, ashamed for feeling this way. Of even thinking about feeling this way.

“Honestly, Blair, you're my first thought when I wake up, the last when I go to sleep, and every other one in between. There's no one else, ever. There never has.”

I ran out of things to say, so I just sat back in the cushions, sighing.

“Where does this leave us?” Will asked tentatively.

I shrugged one shoulder, letting it lazily fall back down. “I guess...we could try again...if that's what you want...”

“It's all I'm asking. I promise I'll make everything up to you.”

“You have nothing to make up for, Bill. I was irrational and--”

“Let's just watch a movie, yeah?” He smiled, cutting off my words. I nodded, going to pick out the movie we always watched for Christmas together: A Christmas Carol. The one with Patrick Stewart, because it is definitely the best.

Or Mr. Magoo, that one is pretty great as well.