Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

All of the anger I’d felt from earlier had completely disappeared, and now I was worried beyond belief.

After what Chretion had said, I was ready to turn my back on him and never help him out again, let him finally see what kind of consequences come from the life he leads.

But I couldn’t do it.

He was still my best friend. I still love him. I can’t just let him get hurt.

So now I’m back to my normal routine. Sitting alone with mute on and my phone on the table, waiting for him to call. I don’t even know if he will, but I find myself wanting him to. I mean, I don’t even know why I do, because he’s being a real dick right now, seriously. He told me he doesn’t need me, and now all I can do is hope he still does.

I feel completely lost without him. As much as I wish he’d give up the drinking and the drugs, it’s nice to feel needed, to know that he wouldn’t quite be able to function without me.

But the phone doesn’t ring.

I sit there all night long, and the phone doesn’t ring. I just worry myself away until I get so exhausted that I fall asleep right where I sat on the couch.

I was startled awake only hours later by someone banging on the front door.

“Killy!” I heard Chretion’s voice, crying loud in contrast to the silence of the room I was in, the TV still on mute. It was dark outside and the lights were all off, the only light coming from the TV, which was playing some infomercial.

I jerked up when I realized whose voice I was hearing, not having really registered it at first.

“Killy, let me in.” He was so drunk. I don’t even know what he had tonight, but it was enough to get him to the point where he was slurring his words so much I could barely understand him.

I glanced at the clock as I got up to go and open the door for him, realizing that it was much too late for him to just have gone to a party. He never stays at parties this late. By this time, he’s either already asleep at mine or headed home from someone else’s house.

I pulled open the door, getting that flash of anger before remembering that yeah, this is Chretion, and I have to take care of him; because I love him; because he’s my best friend; because he needs me.

“Chretion, are you okay?” I asked, my worry coming through in my voice.

“Killy.” he said, and only now I noticed he was crying. “I’m so sorry.”

“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong? Come inside. Are you okay?” I took him into my arms, trying to calm him down, but it didn’t help. He just kept crying.

“I let you down.” he said. “I went home with someone and at the time all I could think of was how good it felt and how amazingly high I was and then afterwards I couldn’t help thinking of how I let you down and how upset you would be and how disappointed you must be and I can’t believe I let you go when you were still angry. Please don’t still be angry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I’d tried to interrupt him several times during his rant, but he just kept going, devolving into sobs and repeated “I’m sorry”s. I just let him cry into my shoulder, knowing he just needed to cry it out.

“Shh, Chretion.” I said. I couldn’t be angry anymore. He was sad, and I couldn’t stand it. I never want to see him cry, even if he should be sorry. “Shh, don’t worry about it. It’s okay, I’m here. I’m still here. I’ll always be here for you.”

“I know, I know you will.” he said, calming down a bit. “But I’m worried that I’ll lose you. You’ll get tired of me and just leave me all alone to slowly drink myself to death. And I’ll just keep doing it because you’re the only thing I want to stop drinking for.”

“You’d…” I said, shocked. “You’d give it all up for me?”

“I want to. I can’t. I just can’t.” he said. He was still crying, his words coming out slightly slurred and a lot less coherent than normal, but it really struck me. He really cared for me. He said I make him want to stop drinking. I mean, he hasn’t, but the fact that he’d say that, even when he’s drunk, shows that he cares more than I even gave him credit for.

“Oh, Chretion.” I said, sighing sadly. why can’t he say things like this when he’s sober.

“I feel sick.” he said, groaning slightly.

And now, adorable, caring, loving Chretion is gone, and we’re back to taking care of him like I’m his mom.

I held his hair back, kept a cool washcloth nearby to wipe his mouth and to keep on the back of his neck. I tucked him into bed and got him comfortable before getting some Tylenol and setting it out on the bedside table so he could have it right when he wakes up tomorrow.

“Killy, come lay down with me.” he said quietly from the bed.

I got into my pajamas and got into the bed next to him, wrapping my arms around him and allowing him to cuddle up to me as he fell asleep.

“You’re amazing.” he said. “I do need you. I was lying before.”

I leaned down and kissed the top of his head, knowing he wouldn’t remember this in the morning.

“I love you.” he said. “Really. I know I freaked out last time, but it’s true. I love you so much Killy.”

“I know.” I said. “I love you, too.”

And that’s how we fell asleep, curled up in each others arms and professing our love to each other.

I just wish we could do this every night.