Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

Waking up in Killian's bed was nothing short of amazing. Even in my drunken haze I managed to make it here. Even my subconscious knows where to go when I need someone.

Then a wave of absolute guilt hits me. Why does he put up with me? I just don't get it. I'm such an ass to him.

I shift my weight and cuddle in closer to him. I don't care what led to this but I don't want anything to jeopardize it. I can't even imagine how miserable I'd be without him.

My grip around his waist tightens and I breathe in his familiar scent of mangos and sugar. His fingers come to life and travel up the back of my neck and into my hair. I stay quiet and relish in the feeling without moving a single muscle.

"Killy?" I whisper.

He freezes for a second before twirling my hair between his fingers once again. "Yeah, Chresh?"

"I'm so sorry for last night."

Killian stays quiet for a while. "You really scared me, you know that? I thought you were gonna do something stupid."

I laugh at this. "I did do something stupid. I went out and I got drunk and I mad mindless sex with at least two guys."

"But you came back to me just like you always do." He insists. "Just, maybe a little more fucked up than usual."

"That's the problem. I'm so fucked up. You shouldn't deal with me like you do. You're making a bad life decision."

"I'm not the only one." He points out.

I admit that that one stung but it's nothing less than the truth so I don't say anything about it. "I know."

"Do you remember anything from last night?" He asks suddenly.

I lift my head from his chest and look at him curiously. "No, I never do. Why? What'd I say?"

Killian sighs and sits up slowly. "You told me you'd quit it all for me. Because you love me."

I blink up at him and get lost in my thoughts. Did I really say that? Did I really mean that? Well, if there was a choice between him and alcohol I would pick him, no brainer.

But he's not asking me to make that choice.....is he?

"I do love you Kil, I just... I don't think I could do that." I sit up slowly, trying not to move unless it's absolutely necessary. God damn it, my head hurts.

I reach across him to the Tylenol set out on his nightstand. I gulp it down quickly a re-curl on his lap. Killians fingers wander back to my hair and play with the strands absently.

"Chretion," He starts. I can tell just by the tone of his voice that I won't like what comes next. "You need to stop."

"I know, Kil, but it's not that easy." I insist.

He takes a deep breath. "I'm serious, Chretion. I need you to stop. I need you to try. For me."

I sit up once again, ignoring the painful throbbing in the back of my head. "Are you serious? I can't do that."

His stare doesn't falter and the look of dead seriousness in his eye scares me. "I'm serious. You're getting out of control. It's getting worse and you're scaring the shit out of me. I love you, Chretion, with every bone in my body but I can't do this anymore."

I swallow hard and gaze at him. "So, what does this mean?"

He takes another deep breath. "I'm asking you what's more important. Me, or the drugs and alcohol. Our friendship or your partying."

My eyes widen and I feel my mouth drop open. "You're kidding."

"I'm really not."

I stare at him and contemplate his words. Obviously the answer is him.

He's more important. He always has been. He always will be. But he's asking me to quit. To just stop. That's not possible, no matter how bad I want to.

"Killian, I want to, I really do. I just- I can't. The cravings and the.... need. I can't deal with that. I just can't."

"I'm not asking you to do it alone." He says quickly. "I'll be with you every step of the way and.... I mean, I was looking online an I found some really nice places that you could possibly go to."

I blink at him before bursting out in laughter. There's no way he's serious. "Rehab?! Killian, you seriously want me to go to rehab? You've got to be kidding me." His eyes stay trained on me as my laughter subsides and I come to the slow realization that he's completely serious. "No."

"Yeah, Chretion. It's either that or.... Or we can't be friends anymore. I can't stand seeing you slowly kill yourself."

My heart starts racing because, yeah, he's dead serious. And I don't think I can do it. I mean, I would try if I thought I could but I'm a weak person. I have zero self discipline. I would crack easily and then not only would I let Killian down but I'd loose him forever as well.

"Kil, don't do this to me."

He shakes his head as tears well up in his eyes. "I have to. You have to. Please."

I'm absolutely speechless. I stand from the bed carefully so as not to fall over and I look at him. "No." I slip on my shoes and look at him again. "No. I just-" I'm halfway out the door when I look back and see his heartbroken expression. "Killian. No. Anything but this."

He shakes his head and wipes his eyes quickly. "It has to be this, Chretion. It's the only way."

I beg him with my eyes one last time but when I see that he's not willing to compromise I know it's no use. I leave his room. Storm down the stairs. Slam his door. Completely break down.

My heart shatters and I can't stop the tears from falling. I can't believe this is happening. I'd do anything to make him happy but this- this is too much.

I would disappoint him in the worst of ways. But....but isn't trying better than giving up? If I don't go we'll both suffer. If I do, at least I tried.

At least I tried.

I take a deep breath and re-enter his house. Trek up the stairs slowly. Knock on his door tentatively.

He opens it slowly, eyes widening when he sees me standing there. "Chretion, I-"

"Fine." I say quickly. "I'll go."