Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

The second the door closed behind Killian a feeling of utter helplessness crashed over me. What was I supposed to do without him? I've hardly gone a single day without him since we met and now I'm expected to be fine on my own for a week? 

Um, no. Not even when my family went on vacation to Disney World. Mom had told me that we'd be gone for five days and I screamed at her. I cried because Killian wasn't going. I threw such a fit that mom and dad ended up buying him a ticket too and he came with us. 

Now I have to go an entire week without any form of contact? I think I'll be suffering from more than just one kind of withdrawal. 

I collapse on my bed and thank whatever higher power there is that it's soft at least. Looking around I notice that it's not necessarily a bad room. Actually, it's very nice. 

The walls aren't starch white like I expected them to be and are instead a light blue color. The carpet is the generic kind that you see in schools and whatnot but it's black instead of that God awful brown. 

The bed sits across from a nice sized window which, upon closer inspection, opens from the top instead of the bottom. I make a mental note to ask about that later. 

Next to the window is a dresser on one side and a desk on the other. There's also a closet but it looks kinda sketchy so I don't think I'll be using it much. In the corner sits a comfy looking arm chair with a reading lamp perched on a small table beside it.

I still don't like the idea of being here but, if I have to be here, I'm glad it's not shit.

Not two minutes after I fully investigate the room, there's a knock on the door. I sit up just in time to see a guy maybe four or five years older than me poke his head in. 

He's got rusty brown hair and a beard thing to match. His eyes are dark and warm and my anxiety lifts just a bit. "Hey, Chretion." He smiles. "I'm Jonan and I'll be your counselor." 

I smile back and nod. "Nice to meet you." 

Jonan's smile grows and he steps fully into the room. "How are you?" 

"Uhm, well this fucking sucks but I'll be fine, I guess."

He gives a small chuckle and nods slowly. "That's generally the first reaction but it's not that bad, I promise. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming with me so we can talk about rules and whatnot." 

I groan and stand to follow him. "I thought you said it's not that bad." 

Jonan looks thoughtful for a second. "It's better here than wherever you were. It's better than other places you could have gone to."

I don't have anything to say to that so I just follow him up the hallway and down the stairs. He pushes open the door to a nice sized office and takes a seat on one of the armchairs instead of behind the desk. I take the other chair and look at him expectantly. 

"Okay, well," He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "To start things off, the schedule can be complicated at first but it only takes a day or two to learn. We like to keep you occupied so you're not thinking about your withdrawals all the time. Wake up is at seven but you can stay in your room until eight if you'd like. That's when breakfast starts and the whole house eats together. Counselors and patients alike." He explains.

I feel some type of way about being called a 'patient' but I keep that to myself as he moves on. 

"Everything is supervised and monitored which will probably get on your nerves for the first week but you'll get used to it. You have to ask permission to do everything. Um, the pool is open between two and eight so go crazy with that but don't forget to ask. 

"The patients aren't allowed in each others rooms but there is the common area. It's fully equipped with the TV and movies and whatnot. You do have to ask before turning anything on though. There are restrictions as to what you can watch and there are blocks on the TV accordingly. No movies rated higher than PG. There's also a restriction on music. Nothing that's explicit or has a parental warning sticker or anything like that. 

"Lunch is optional and starts at twelve, ends at one thirty. Dinner is at six thirty. And we have a new thing going on, actually. This only applies after your first week though. Everyday at around four, there's a set of volunteers who come and take those who want to go to The YMCA. You can sign up for classes and whatnot." Jonan sits up and rolls his eyes to the celling in thought. "What am I forgetting?

"Oh, yeah. You know about visits right? From ten to ten but only four hours at a time. Now, generally we only let family visit for protection purposes. We know that your family won't supply you with drugs or anything. Usually that only includes parents, grandparents and siblings." 

My heart clenches in my chest as I realize what he's saying. "But Killian wouldn't supply me with anything." I protest quickly. "He's the reason I'm here. I want to get better for him." 

Jonan looks at me closely for a second before nodding. "I understand that and I can respect it. So, this is what's gonna happen. I'm going to go on the file and put him down as your brother so he'll be allowed to see you but your first few visits are going to have to be in the common area where it's supervised. We'll see how it goes from there, okay?" 

I nod quickly, thankful just to have the chance to see him. "That's fair."

"Okay, so, you'll be seeing me once a day and we'll get to the counseling then but for now you should go get settled. The door has to stay open during the day and don't forget that dinner starts at six thirty. Other than that, you're free to go." He smiles, the corners of him eyes crinkling in that friendly way. 

I smile and thank him quickly before exiting the office and starting back to my room. I think over the rules and decide that they're not unfair but they'll be a pain in the ass to follow. And he wasn't lying when he said there was a lot of them.

When I get back to my room I decide that now is as good a time as ever to unpack. I empty the first, smaller bag on the bed and put everything in their new homes before turning to the daunting task of the duffel. I've never been one for unpacking, or packing either, for that matter. Whenever j go on vacation or whatever someone always packs for me and unpacks as well. 

Hell, Killian packed this bag too. 

I open it and start putting things in their respective drawers. I smile when I notice all the little things he's packed for me. My sock monkey that he got me when I was twelve. The set of Harry Potter books that we obsessed over before things started going bad. All my favorite shirts and even the neon blue board shorts he hates so much. 

I get to the last few things and shove them in various places until I notice the small blanket at the very bottom. My blankie. Well, it was when I was two. Honestly, I had such an unhealthy attachment to that thing that I slept with it until I was eight. It always calmed me down and pacified my nerves but then Killian kind of stepped into that role and I no longer needed it.  

The fact that Killian thought to pack it, that he knew just how much it meant to me, shows everything that I've been fucking. He cares about me. And I just hurt him over and over.

I pick up the blanket slowly, carefully, and notice that trees something inside the folds. I spread it out curiously and find a set of envelopes bunched together by a rubber band. Seven to be exact. There's a mini sticky-note stuck to them and I pull it off. 





A smile spreads across my face and I set the envelopes down in order to finish unpacking before opening the first one. 

I settle in the armchair in the corner and pull out the orange paper. Another smile sneaks it's way onto my face as I skim over the familiar handwriting before actually starting to read it.