Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

After dinner Casey coaxes me into playing Dance Dance Revolution and I admit, it's stupidly amusing. Concentrating on the arrows starts warping my vision but Casey refuses to give me a break, threatening me with taunting my defeat. 

Thankfully Jonan comes into the common room and politely informs me that it's time for our counseling session. I shrug and grin at Casey, nodding at him and promising that I'll see him later. 

Jonan leads the way to his office and  I follow, taking position in my favorite chair in the homey room. 

He sits in the chair next to me and folds one leg over the other. He doesn't use a file or a pen (though I'm sure he writes things down when I leave). It's just a natural conversation.

Jonan knows all the right questions to ask so that I can figure things out. He doesn't even care about what my epiphany's are just as long as I have them. 

According to him, at least I'm figuring things out. That's always a step in a good direction.

"So, what's up?" He asks, an easy smile resting on his lips. 

"Nothing, really. There's not much to do around here." I shrug.

"Yeah, true. But there are certain things around here that you have yet to discover. I noticed that you met Casey. You two seem to be getting along very well."

"Huh? Yeah, he's cool." I say, trying to figure out where he's going with this. 

"You two have bonded really quickly. Why do you think that is?" 

My mind snaps back the the realization I had yesterday. Casey reminds me of Killian. The ease of our friendship and the things we both seem to love.

"He reminds me of my best friend." I admit. 

"Killian, right?" Jonan leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. 

"Yeah, Killian." I repeat fondly.

"You really miss him, don't you?" 

"You have no idea. Everything just seems so much harder without him." I whimper. "He took care of me so much and now he's not here." 

"It's only for a few more days." He reasons.

I look at him for a moment before shaking my head. "It's not the same. I've never gone a day without having some form of contact with him and now I haven't talked to him in four days."

"He's the one who brought you here." Jonan says. It isn't a question but I nod anyway. "Do you think that maybe you feel abandoned by him? That you're upset with him in some way?" 

I blink at him quietly, letting his words roll around in my head. Do I feel abandoned? Am I upset with him? 

No. No I don't. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be getting better. That's what I want. I want to be better. And not only because that's what he wants. Because I want to be better for him.

I know that if I wanted to come home, he would come get me right away, no questions asked. How could I be mad at him when it's my choice. 

It's my choice. 

Jonan watches as my thoughts wrap around my head in slight wonder. I think this was the reason he became a counselor. He really likes making people think. 

"I don't resent Killian at all." I say finally. "I just wish we didn't have to be kept apart so much."

Jonan nods slowly and smiles. "That's good. Really good. Do you think he misses you too?" 

"I do." I say almost immediately. "I mean, I hope he does." 

He raises an eyebrow at me curiously and watches my thought process once again. 

What if he doesn't? What if he's actually happy that he doesn't have to worry about me anymore? But his letters scream something different. They make it seem like he wants to be here almost as much as I want him here.

But what if?

"Chretion, what are you thinking?" Jonan breaks through my thoughts and watches me carefully. "It doesn't look good. Remember what I said about that." 

Bad thoughts are trapping thoughts. Yeah, I remember.

I shake the negative and smile at Jonan. "I'll be fine." I assure him. 

He continues watching me before dismissing me with something big to think about.

What would I do if Killian didn't miss me? Would I stay here if he didn't show on Monday? 

I think about this on the way back to my room, deciding that, yes, I would stay here. He was right. I have to do this for myself as much as anything. 

But what if?

No. I can't think about that. He does miss me. He has to. Maybe not as much as I miss him but it has to be there. Somewhere. 

I grab Killians newest letter from the back of my drawer. If anything can reassure me it's this.