Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

I regret everything. I regret the drugs and the sex and the affliction of pain.

To be fair, it was all my fault. I thought it looked fun so I tried it. I liked it at first so I continued. As soon as it wasn't fun anymore it was too late. I was hooked. Addicted, if you will. 

It was fun at first but then it became a burden. Something that I needed to do rather than wanted to do. 

Whenever I got high, I blacked out and apparently I'm fun to party with. I wish I knew. I wish I could remember. I wish none of this had happened in the first place.

Most of all, though, I wish I hadn't dragged Killian down with me. No, he's not doing drugs or anything. I'll be damned if I let him anywhere near a place where I knew there would be any type of drug. That was a risk I wasn't willing to take.

I'm talking about the many sleepless nights and the stomach churning worry. I wish he could have had a normal senior year complete with going out and having fun but instead he was home waiting for me to call. In some cases, taking drives around the neighborhood at two in the morning in hopes to find the house I was at.

I feel so guilty for doing that to him. He's better than that and our friendship is toxic. 

Was. 

It was toxic. I'm going to make this better and prove to him and to myself that we weren't a mistake. There's a reason we became friends all those years ago and there's a reason we continued our friendship. 

I always used to tease him that it was fate but now I know for a fact that it was. Either that or an incredible amount of dumb luck. Whichever it is, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have him in my life and I'll never take that for granted ever again.

I love Killian. He's my best friend. He's always been there for me and I know he always will be. I just want him to know that I'll be there for him too. I care about our friendship way too much not to want to work on it. 

And maybe.... Maybe we can work towards something more than just friendship. 

You see, Jonan helped me realize something in our weeks worth of counseling. Well, he helped me realize a lot of things but mostly, he helped me realize that Killian is the person I care most about in the world.

He never abandoned me even when it was in his best interest. He saved my life in more ways than one. I realized that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here. This would never have occurred to me and he's the only reason I'm here. I can honestly say that Killian is the only reason I stayed. And I know I'm supposed to be doing this for myself but I'm really doing it to make him proud of me for once in my life. I want him to be able to love me like I love him.

Because I really do. I love him. I'm in love with Killian.

And I can't wait to tell him.

Oh god, what am I thinking? I can't tell him. It'll fuck everything up. He's my best friend, I can't ruin that. It'll be twelve years screwed beyond repair. 

No, this has to wait until I figure out what to do. For now I need to focus on the fact that tomorrow is the first day I'll see him in what seems like forever. Everything has to be perfect.

All day is spent making sure of that. Casey's sister is visiting so I don't have to worry about abandoning him. I got Jonan to give me permission for one of my fellow 'patients', Marcel, to give me a much needed haircut. (Which didn't look half bad, I have to admit.) 

I was honestly too excited to eat and I was just anxious all around. Jonan noticed and decided to start me on the second part of my medication. Usually I would have been annoyed by that but I was much too focused on Killian to be anything but ecstatic. 

Overall, the day takes forever to wind down but when it finally does, I realize that there was so much that I've yet to do. I have to pick out the perfect outfit and think of something perfect for us to do when he gets here. I want it to be perfect. Well, as perfect as a visit in rehab can be.

Before long, the room is lit by nothing but the lamp in the corner and I'm exhausted from running around my room all afternoon. I grab all of Killian's letters from my drawer and take a seat on my bed, reading through every single one of them before running my finger under the seal of the very last one.