Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

Visiting Chretion was, well, it was bitter sweet.

I mean, being able to see him was amazing.

Being able to hold him in my arms like I'd been wanting to since I'd dropped him off was the most amazing feeling in the world. I was over the moon about the progress he's making, too. According to Jonan, Chretion had been the ideal patient. He did as he was told, he took the meds he was prescribed and he was forthcoming in therapy sessions. He really wanted to make a change. I'm so proud of him. He's keeping his promise.

Having to deal with being away from him was more than I can handle. I was going insane, having to deal with not being able to be with him when I knew he was in pain. I couldn't handle the not knowing. I had no way of knowing for sure that he was okay other than what Jonan told me. Don't get me wrong, I trusted Jonan, but I just wanted to see for myself. And I couldn't.

I just wanted to hold him all week long and now that I can, I'm glad. Leaving him again was incredibly difficult, but it wasn't as bad as the first time because I knew I would be able to come back the next day.

But the worst part of it was not that I had to leave Chretion alone. It was that I had to leave him with Casey.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's found a friend. I just can't deal with the fact that there's someone else that's there to hold him when he cries and someone else to be his shoulder to cry on.

It's not like this is a feeling I'm used to, either.

I've had to share Chretion all my life, with drugs, with other guys... I've never gotten jealous like I am now.

Now, I have to share Chretion in a whole new way, one I've never had to deal with before.

I have to share him as the person who takes care of him.

No one has ever been there for him like I am. I've never had to worry that he would grow to depend on someone more than he does on me. As much as he needs me to be there for him, I need to be the one that he comes to when he has a problem.

Casey is getting in the way of that. I mean, I'm sure he's an amazing person and that he's completely deserving of Chretion, but I can't help but worry that he's going to come in between us.

Of course, Chretion could tell that something was wrong the next day when the subject of Casey came up.

"Killian, seriously, you have got to tell me what is up with you today." Chretion said. "I'm supposed to be the one that you're worrying about, not the other way around. What's bothering you?"

"Don't worry about me." I said. "I'm fine."

"Killian." Chretion said, in a warning tone.

"Hey!"

I was thankful for the interruption, glad I wouldn't have to deal with answering that question. Whoever had just interrupted us was my new favorite person.

"Oh, hey Casey!"

Or not.

"Casey, this is Killian. Kil, this is Casey." Chretion said, gesturing between me and the person who'd just walked up.

I looked Casey up and down, trying to gauge what kind of person he is, but failing. He didn't have any outward signs of his character except for his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle t shirt. And I can't exactly fault him for that.

"Hi!" Casey said, smiling widely. "I'm so excited to meet you. Chretion literally would not shut up about you. He's about 4 times happier now that you're here. You should have seen him when he was getting ready for your visit. He was kind of a mess."

"Nice to meet you, too." I said, smiling back. "Thanks for taking care of Chretion when I wasn't there to do it myself." Even though I kind of hate you for it.

"No problem!"

This was going to be a long visit.