Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

It was nearing the end of Chretion's second week of rehab when things changed.

I walked in at 10am, smiling at the security guard and the nurses at the front desk while I signed in, and went straight back. I didn't even need to show ID anymore- they all knew it was me. Apparently, I was one of the only daily visitors.

I saw Chretion waiting for me on the couch and smiled, finding his Power Rangers pajamas adorable. My smile quickly turned into a frown when I notice he didn't look as excited to see me as usual. Did he not want me here? Was he tired of me coming to see him all the time? Did he just want to hang out with Casey?

"Hey, Kil." he said, his smile not quite lighting up his face like it normally does.

"Hey." I said, hugging him quickly before resting my hands on his shoulders and looking straight into his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." he said, looking away.

"Chresh." I said in a quiet voice, hurt that he felt he wouldn't tell me what was going on in his mind. He always told me everything. What was it about what was bothering him that made him not want to tell me?

"Want to take a walk?" he said suddenly, changing the subject. "It's nice out, and I've been inside for far too long."

"Okay." I said.

"Awesome, I'll go ask Jonan." he said, pulling out of my grasp and turning to walk away.

"Chresh?"

"Yeah?" he said, turning around.

"On the walk... Will you tell me what's bothering you?"

He sighed and smiled slightly. "Okay. Now, come on."

We found Jonan in his office, reading over a patients file and making notes every once in a while. "Hey, guys. Nice to see you again, Killian."

"Good to see you." I replied. "We were just making sure it was okay if we took a walk? Just to be outside for a while, get some fresh air."

"Technically, a counselor is meant to go with you..." Jonan said, narrowing his eyes. "But I think I can trust you guys. You're both here for the right reason and I think you'd rather die than sneak drugs in to Chresh. So you can go on without me. If anyone stops you, tell them to come see me."

"Thanks, Joey." Chretion said and I chuckled at the nickname.

"Call me that again, and I'll assign Marge to keep track of you guys all day."

"We're going!" Chresh said, taking my hand and pulling me out the door. "Thanks, Jonan!"

"Who's Marge?" I asked when we got into the hallway, Chretion still holding my hand. It had become normal for us to keep some sort of contact between us at all times. I wasn't complaining.

"A bitter, lonely old nurse who won't let there be any physical contact between visitors and patients. Casey hates her, because he's so affectionate, and when his girlfriend comes to visit, he can't even hold her hand. Marge keeps a close watch on him, 'cause she think he's a troublemaker. It kind of sucks."

"Casey's straight?" I asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, I was surprised too. I figured no guy who cared enough about his hair to sneak a straightener into a rehab center could be straight, but I was wrong. His girlfriend is really sweet, too."

"That's great. Does she visit often?" I was secretly doing a happy dance in my head, relieved that Casey wouldn't be trying to pick up my Chretion any time soon.

"When she can. She's in summer school, so she can't always make it."

"That sucks." I said. "I don't know what I would do if I couldn't visit you every day."

"Yeah, me neither." he said, smiling and squeezing my hand.

We were finally outside and Chresh stopped for a moment, breathing deeply, closing his eyes and tilting his head back, letting the sun wash over him. I forgot how beautiful he looks when the sun shines through his auburn hair, bringing out his natural red and blonde highlights. His skin seemed to glow and he looked so happy and peaceful.

"I love the sun." he said, opening his eyes and looking over at me.

I smiled widely and kissed him quickly on the cheek. I just couldn't resist him when he was like this, all gorgeous and adorable. "I know you do."

He smiled back and pulled on my hand, leading me down one of the many paths. The grounds really were beautiful, green and full of flowers. I guess if you're in rehab, you should at least have somewhere beautiful to sit and enjoy the sunlight.

We walked in comfortable silence for a while before Chretion stopped suddenly and turned to me. We were pretty far from the center and there wasn't really anyone around to interrupt us.

"Kil..." he said. "We need to talk."

"Okay." I said, sensing this wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation. "About what?"

"I just... I really don't like the way you treat Casey. He's my friend, just as much as you are, even we aren't as close. Just because I'm not as close to him as I am to you doesn't mean you can act all superior when he's around."

I stood there in silence for a second, feeling a bit ashamed. "I know... I just... It sucks, you know? 'Cause I wish I could be here with you all the time, and I can't."

"Killian, you come as much as you can for as long as you can."

"I know, and that's what annoys me. I come as much as I can and it still isn't enough! And then I come in an see you hanging out with Casey and I just get so angry that he can be there for you when I can't. I feel like I'm being replaced, and then I get angry at myself for being so rude to such a great guy who I should really just be thanking for how he's been helping you when I couldn't do it myself, but then I can't. I just get even more upset that he's doing...my job." I trailed off at the end, almost whispering the last two words.

"Killian... Casey- He's nothing to be jealous about. He's my friend and we're close but Kil... No one will ever be able to replace you. Even if you can't be here now, you've always been there for me before. You need to give yourself a break; you deserve it after the past few years. I want you here as much as you want to be here, maybe even more. But you are here, for as long as they'll let you be, and that's enough for me. Of course I want you here with me all the time. Of course, I do. But the fact what you're willing to get up every day to be with me for those 4 short hours...that means the world to me. You know, there isn't a single other patient with a daily visitor? You're doing what you can, but Kil... I have to be able to do this without you."

I looked down at my shoes, knowing that everything he'd just said was true. "I know. I wanted you to come here so you could live independently, without the drugs, but it's selfish of me to still want you to depend on me... You should be allowed to be your own person."

"I like being dependent on you, Killian. I really do. I like knowing that you'll always be there for me, no matter what...but I can't really be free from my dependence on the drugs and alcohol without becoming a totally independent person. You have to know that I will always want you by my side, but I need to be my own person, too. And besides, you don't deserve the stress of having me depending on you. You deserve to be able to live your life without constantly worrying about me."

I looked up at him and smiled. "I like constantly worrying about you."

He smiled back at me, taking both of my hands in his. "I know you do."

"I promise to be nicer to Casey." I said. "I'm sorry about before, I was just being selfish."

"It's okay. I don't mind you showing that you care about me." Chretion said.

"Then I'll never stop."

He brought both of my hands to his lips, kissing them both in turn before pulling me into a hug.

"What would I do without you?" I said quietly, tucking my head into his neck and breathing in his scent.

"Be extremely bored, most likely." he whispered against my hair, kissing the top of my head.

It was at that moment that I realized that I have my Chretion back. The one I knew back before he started with the drugs and the alcohol and the partying. The one who would help me learn to ride a bike, the one who'd stick up for me in the sandbox, the one who would watch sappy movies with me and hold me when I cry. The one I loved more than anything in the world.

"You're back." I said, hugging him tighter, hiding the tears in my eyes by nuzzling my face even further into his neck. "I'm so happy to have you back."

"Glad to be back." he said.

I knew it would be a slow process and he still had a lot of ground to cover. After all, he was still experiencing withdrawals every once in a while. But at least now I know we'll make it. I have my Chretion back, and I'm never letting him go.