Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

Breathe in. Stretch. Breathe out. Stretch. In. Stretch. Hold. Hold. Out. Stretch. Hold. In. Hold. Stretch. Out. 

Killian's absence on Saturday set my nerves on edge for some reason and I felt very close to snapping at everyone I came into contact with. It's not the fact that he's not here. No, I can live with one day away from him even though I'd rather not.

It's the fact that there's something that he's not telling me. It probably shouldn't be as big of a deal as it is to me right now but for some reason it is. He's been my best friend for so long and we tell each other everything. Now he's my boyfriend. My love. My everything. Our relationship has only gotten better. But now there's this secret.

I know it's nothing bad. Kil loves me, I know that much. He wouldn't do anything to hurt me or make me upset. He's selfless in that way. He's perfect.

It's just that I know things would be different if I wasn't stuck in here for another week. If I wasn't stuck in here at all. Period. 

It's just going to be so different when I get out. There are so many things we can't do here. So many places I'll be able to take him. So many things I can do with him. So many things I can do to him. What's our sex life going to be like? Awkward? Nonexistent? 

Are we going to be together all the time? How often will we fight? How will college affect us? And what about after college? Am I thinking too far? 

All these thoughts run through my head between yoga poses. Since Casey left, my afternoons were full of boredom as everyone was away at The Y. Jonan suggested I sign up for a class to keep me occupied and calm. He says that after getting out of here the stress to stay clean is almost unbearable. Yoga was his first thought, saying that it's proven to relieve stress and improve heath, both things that I'll desperately need after I'm released. Killian will be a big factor in that but I need a back up just in case he's away in a time of need.

Every free moment on Saturday is spent stretching and breathing. That's all yoga is anyway, really. The instructor started us on the harder poses yesterday and they've actually really helped. The day I started the class, two weeks ago, Killian bought me three pairs of yoga pants. They've quickly become my favorite pairs of pants. They're so stretchy and comfortable and I look damn good in them too. The women in my class seem to agree if the fact that I can almost literally feel their eyes on my ass during the sessions is any indication.

Too bad they don't know I'm gay, much less taken by the only guy I'd ever want or need.

Breathe in. Stretch. Breathe out. Stretch. In. Stretch. Hold. Hold. Out. Stretch. Hold. In. Hold. Stretch. Out. 

Jonan knocks on my open door, snapping me out of my thoughts and smiling as usual. "Kil's on the phone." 

I beam and follow him eagerly, desperate to hear the voice of my boyfriend for the first time today. "Hello?"

"Hey, Chresh." He greets. 

"Hi Killy. How's your trip?" 

"Very successful. Very exciting. I can't wait for you to see the surprise."

"Well, then why don't you just tell me now?" I ask, pulling on a strand of hair that hangs in my eyes. I think I need a haircut but Killy likes it long. Honestly, I love when he runs his fingers through it. 

"That would defeat the purpose of the surprise." He sighs. I can just picture him rolling his eyes. "You've only got one more week, love. Then you can see it."

"Please?"

"Nope."

"But I love you." 

"I love you too." He giggles. "That's why it's a secret."

"I hate surprises." I grumble. Oh, how I hate surprises. Especially the ones you can see coming.

"I know. I'm sorry but I'm not giving in on this one." Killian protests stubbornly.

"Fine. But promise I can have it as soon as I get out?" 

"Yes." 

That's good enough for now, I guess. The rest of the half hour time limit is spent just talking like we always do. He promises to see me bright and early tomorrow morning and with one last 'I love you' we hang up and I return to my room. 

Dinner comes and goes and I find myself with nothing to do for the rest of the night so I unroll my yoga mat and stretch and breathe. Sometimes I feel like such a girl but sometimes I don't care.

Breathe in. Stretch. Breathe out. Stretch. In. Stretch. Hold. Hold. Out. Stretch. Hold. In. Hold. Stretch. Out.