Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of feeling like Chretion's mother and I'm sick of always giving and never getting anything in return.

This morning was the last straw. I spend my whole night worrying about him, then go out of my way to go get him from whoever the hell's house he was at and get him into bed, then he has the nerve to yell at me for cuddling with him? Especially since he initiated the cuddling to begin with, and asked me to stay.

Hell no. I won't stand there and let him yell at me for something that stupid.

I was driving back to my house, fighting between screaming in frustration or crying. I don't know what I'd like more: to go and punch Chretion in the face of for him to come and sweep me into his arms and tell me he loves me again.

That's the other thing; he said he loves me. Not just like how your mom or brother would mean it, either. It sure as hell sounded like he meant that he was in love with me.

And of course, it was just the drugs and the alcohol talking, and I, being the idiot I am, allowed myself to get swept up in the fantasy of it all... again.

But no more. I'm done with this shit. If he thinks he can just use me as a ride home and a mom when he's drunk or hung over, then act like we're still best friends the next day, he's got another thing coming. Relationships are about give and take, but I can't remember the last time he actually gave something back, and I'm tired of it.

I pulled into my driveway and pulled the keys out of the ignition, wiping away the angry tears that had slipped out before getting out of the car. I ran up the stairs to my front door, unlocking it and running up to my room as quickly as I could. I heard my mom call out to me, and then her footsteps behind me on the stairs, but I didn't turn around.

"Honey?" my mom said, knocking on my now closed bedroom door. "Is something wrong?"

"Don't worry about it." I said.

"Is it Chretion?" Is he okay?" she asked.

"Oh, he's just fine." I spat out with maybe too much bitterness.

"Can I come in?" she asked tentatively.

"Go for it." I said, flopping down onto my bed.

She opened the door slightly and edged in, shutting it behind her. "What did he do?"

"He's such a dick." I spat out.

"How so?" I thought he was your best friend. I though you loved him."

"He is, and I do. It's just..." I trailed off, sitting up to allow my mother to sit down next to me. "He's so blissfully unaware of the consequences of his actions."

"That's because you never let him see them." she said.

"I know, but it's not eve just that. He just says stuff when he's drunk, important stuff, and the next morning, he doesn't remember shit."

"What did he say?"

"Well, when I went to pick him up, I got him into the car and when I was making sure he was belted in, he just told me he loved me, like it was a normal thing. And not in like, a brotherly way, either. This was different."

My mom was sitting there with her mouth open, having gasped when I told her that Chretion said he loved me. "Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Then why are you pissed off?"

"I'm getting there." I said. "So we get back to his house and everything's normal. I'm tucking him in and he's getting tired and then all of a sudden he grabs my arm and practically begs me not to leave him, like his life depended on it or something. So I get into bed with him and he wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, like he needed reassurance that I was really there. Then this morning, well, I guess I ended up on top of him and he nudged me to wake me up and I guess I like... moved my hips against his and nuzzled into his neck and he had a freak out. Like, hardcore. he starts yelling at me about how close we were and how we 'don't do that' and I flipped on him and walked out."

"Woah." My mom said. "He is a dick."

I chuckled darkly and smiled slightly. "Don't I know it."

"I'm sorry, honey." she said, wrapping an arm around me. "You don't deserve this."

"I know." I said.

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Wait until he stops being such a douche bag and apologizes and makes up for it, somehow."

"Taco Bell or McDonald's?"

"I don't think either will work this time." I said. "He's really screwed this one up."

"He really has, if even Taco Bell can't fix it."

I lay back down, covering my face with a pillow, showing I was done talking about it.

My mom peeled back on corner of the pillow so that she could see one of my eyes. "DO you want cookies?"

"That'd be amazing." I said, though it was slightly muffled by the pillow.

"Okay. I'll make chocolate chip."

I heard her go out and close the door behind her quietly, obviously not wanting to disturb me.

I turned to my bedside table and plugged my iPod into its speakers, letting soothing music pour out of the speakers, calming me down so I could take a nap. I was up so late last night...

My phone started buzzing in my pocket and I groaned, reluctantly opening my eyes to check the caller ID. When I saw Chretion's name flashing up at me, I immediately ignored the call. I was not in the mood.

I set my phone down on the nightstand, only to hear it buzz again not a minute later. Again, I ignored Chretion's call, this time turning my phone off so it wouldn't distract me from my nap. If that bastard wants me to forgive him, he's going to have to do better than a couple of apologetic voicemails.

I'm not in the mood for apologies.