Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

Okay, so I realize that I've quizzed you enough with the 'have you ever tried drugs?' and the 'have you ever been hit by a car?' but those questions are easy. This one makes you think. This one may hurt just a bit but please, bear with me...

Have you ever lost anybody? Any kind of lost. Maybe you lost your mom in the grocery store when you were little. Maybe you and your brother had a falling out and don't talk anymore. Maybe someone you care about passed away. 

Do you remember what that felt like? The feeling of utter despair? All you wanted to do was cry and cry and you didn't care who saw because it just hurt so much an you were scared and you just didn't know what to do.

It didn't feel like that person was lost, it felt like you were lost. 

I hate feeling lost but that's exactly what I felt. I didn't mean to yell at him like that. He just- he means so much to me, okay? I know he's not that kind of person and I don't want him to be. Especially not with me. 

If I were to allow things to be that way I know I'd just fuck him up. I'd fuck him up just like I fucked myself up and I know that, okay? I know I'm fucked up and I know I did it to myself. 

Am I proud of it? I think you can answer that one on your own. Do I care? I didn't. Not until now. 

But now isn't the time to dwell on how fucked I am. Now is the time to take advantage of it. 

After I leave the house I have no idea where I plan on going. The only places I go is to Killians house or to a party and I think we both know that neither one of those things is a good idea. 

So where am I going? I have no idea until I get there and when I do I smile up at the glowing neon lights. Kamden Wine and Spirits.

The little bell above the door jingles quietly as I walk in and the guy at the counter looks up from his magazine and smiles at me. I recognize him as one of my regular fuck buddies and I thank god for my luck because I know he won't card me. "Hey, Chretion. What brings you here?" 

I shrug and pick up a couple of bottles of Jack Daniels. "The usual. Is this stuff any good?" 

He wrinkles his nose. "Whiskey? Hell no. And you sure as hell don't need two bottles to get fucked up." 

I smile and bring the bottles to the register. "You never know." 

He rings me up and warns me to be careful before I leave. I consider his warning but decide that if I really wanted to be careful I'd be with Killian right now. 

When I walk back into my room I half expect to see Killian still there, waiting for me and willing to forgive me for screaming at him. But he's not and I guess I'm not surprised but that doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I stash one bottle in my nightstand and twist open the other, taking a swig and fighting the urge to throw it up. 

That guy wasn't kidding when he said it was fucking disgusting but I can already feel it in my system and hell if it didn't feel good.

I tip back the bottle again and again until I can't anymore. I vaguely feel it spill over my chest but I don't care. I don't remember why I should. I don't remember why I'm here. I don't remember who I am but I guess that's nothing new. 

And best of all, I can't remember why it hurts.



I don't know how long I was passed out but I don't think it really matters. All that I'm thinking about is the fucking huge headache I have and the fact that Killian isn't here with me for the first time. 

That feeling of despair comes back and I consider the other bottle of whiskey before deciding against it. 

All I want to do is cry and have Killian run his fingers through my hair because that's the only thing that ever seems to calm me down no matter how hard I try to find something else.

I know life is unfair but this is ridiculous. 

I hate the feeling you get when you know you’re about to cry. Don't you? 

Your lips quiver and your heart pounds and your eyes sting and your face clenches up and then the tears start to fall. 

You can’t stop them, no matter how hard you try. It’s not little tears that slide down your cheeks either. It’s big tears that make your eyes red and puffy and your face tear-stained and your body heave. 

You can’t stop the tears, and as you lie on your bed alone, you think of what could you have possibly done to stop yourself from feeling like this. But there’s nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say unless that someone is the one you're crying over.

It’s the kind of tears and pain that need to be cried out, not talked out. And you know that you’re hurting people you love, but you can’t help it. 

I know how you feel, trust me. And even after an hour of heaving and crying the tears don't stop. My throat hurts and my stomach feels like I've done a million crunches. My eyes feel dryer than the sahara even as the salty tears continue to stream down my face and there's only one person who can make this better. 

And that one person isn't answering any of my calls. 

I need to make this better and I have a feeling that Taco Bell won't cut it this time.

I lay in bed and wait for the headache to subside enough for me to think clearly before getting up and taking a shower, making sure to use the body wash that Killian got me for Christmas. He absolutely loves it. 

When I get out I find an outfit from the basket of clean clothes I haven't bothered to fold yet and start thinking of ways to make it up to him. 

I've never fucked up this bad so I don't even know where to start. 

Suddenly an idea hits me and I grab everything I need before driving over to his house. 

I start to lose momentum as I climb the stairs to his front door. What if he's so mad he won't talk to me? That would hurt so much. I don't think I could deal with that. 

I start pacing before finally deciding that this has to be done. I raise my fist to knock on the door but it swings open before I have a chance to. 

"Chretion?" Mrs. Mychaels says, surprise clearly coloring her tone. "What are you doing here?" 

I swallow hard remembering that Killian and his mom are close. What if she knows everything? What if she hates me? 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it." I blurt out, not being able to stop myself. "It's just that he means so much to me and it can't be that way between us. I don't want to lose him okay? And I'm just really sorry." 

She stares at me for a second before smiling softly and stepping aside to let me in. "You should tell him all that. I'm going to the store but I'm just a phone call away if anything bad happens." She warns before closing the door behind herself. 

I take a deep breath and silently praise myself for making it past his mom. If she let me in then maybe it's not as bad as I thought. I make my way up to his room and knock on the door softly. 

"Come in." A muffled voice calls. 

Taking another deep breath I open the door and step inside the familiar room. There's so may memories in here it's hard not to smile. 

Killian is laying face down on his bed and his comforter is pulled almost all the way over his head. I sit on the edge of the bed and wait for him to say something. "Mom, what am I gonna do about him? He's going to kill us both. Why can't he just realize how much I care about him?" 

My heart speeds up when I realize that he doesn't know who I am and I panic for a second before answering. "He does realize how much you care about him and he cares about you too." 

Killian shoots up upon hearing my voice and stares at me. "What are you doing here?" 

"I'm sorry, Kil. About everything. I was being stupid and I wasn't thinking and I really do appreciate everything you do for me. I give you so much shit and then I act like everything's fine and it's not and I'm so sorry. Please don't stay mad at me." I plead. 

He stays quiet for another few minutes and looks everywhere but at me. The silence is killing me, tearing at the insides if my mind and taunting me with the promise that he'll reject the apology. 

"I'm tired of it, Chretion. I'm tired of you thinking that you can treat me however you want and then pretend that it doesn't matter because it does matter." He says finally. 

"And I know that." I insist. "I'm just- I'm not good with things like that. You're my best friend ad you mean more to me than anything in the world. You understand that, right?" 

He shakes his head slowly. "You sure as hell don't show it." 

"Well," I smile. "I brought something to show it." I say, holding up the bag I brought. 

Killian eyes it curiously before taking it from me and opening it. His eyes light up when he sees what's inside, pulling out the sheet. "We haven't done this in years." 

"I know but I was thinking we could put up the fort and set up the DVD player like we used to. I brought The Blind Side and Sweeney Todd, so we can watch those and have a sleepover maybe?" 

He regards me for a second before nodding slowly. "Okay, that sounds great." 

I smile widely and pull him into a hug. He struggles against my tight grip for a few seconds before finally giving in and wrapping his arms around my waist. "I really am sorry, Killy." 

"I know you are." He teases, pulling away with a smile. "Now, you set up the fort and I'll go get the DVD player." 

He stands from the bed and leaves the room and I can't help but smile, unable to believe how lucky I am to have such an amazing best friend. I set up the sheet over the open part of Killians room, securing one end to the dresser and the other end to the posts on his bed. I grab all the pillows and blankets from the bed and run to the linen closet to grab some more in order to make the fort as fort-like as possible. 

Killian returns a few minutes with the DVD player from the living room and hooks it up to his TV before moving the TV to the floor. 

We both climb under with no regard for personal space because, this is a fort, after all. The last time we did this was three years ago and we were both significantly smaller. Neither one of us mind though. 

I put in the first movie and settle against the pillows. Killian cuddles up to my side and rests his head on my shoulder. He falls asleep halfway through the movie and I tuck him in by my side before admiring how adorable and peaceful he looks while he's sleeping and thank God once again for such an amazing best friend.