The Choices I Have Made

Justin's POV
I woke up screaming. Well, it's a way to wake up, isn't it? "Holy shit," I said, looking around. I was in my apartment. The same fucking apartment I've had for years, but never was it more of a home than it was right then. I was alive; I don't think I'd ever felt more alive than that very moment. I was living and breathing with all of my crazy thoughts and all of my worn-out body parts intact. Somehow, everything felt so crystal clear.

"What a strange dream." But it didn't feel like a dream. I knew it had to be a dream because I hadn't spoken to Liz in three years. It didn't feel that long before tonight. I hadn't thought about her since I saw her in New York. I stopped worrying about what could have been a long time ago, and that whole thing with Betty was all wrong. It's symbolic to something else I cared about very dearly, but that didn't matter right then.

I was shaking. I couldn't stop myself from shaking. I was quitting drinking. Again. I was renowned by the band for taking a stand against the addiction, but the nights where I can't seem to control myself is what terrifies me to my core. God, it was so...vivid. It'd been a long time since I'd had a dream that seriously created such a sense of uncalm in me.

I picked up my phone from off the bedside table and dialed Josh's number.

A groan. "Hello?"

"Josh?"

"Yeah? What's going on? It's like three in the morning, man."

"I can't breathe right. I'm scared, man."

"What happened?"

"I had this crazy dream where Liz didn't get married to Zach. Please keep listening. I know that it's over and I understand that she's happy where she is, but please. I need someone to tell me that I'm not crazy."

"You're not crazy, Justin." He sighed. "You're worse than having a kid sometimes." I heard him say something incomprehensible; he was probably explaining to Jill what was wrong.
"I know." I said the words with absolute sincerity.

After explaining my dream with the details I could remember, I started to calm down slightly. "The thing that killed me is that just as I was getting everything right, everything goes black. I did everything I was supposed to do and nothing worked out in the end. What kind of story is that?"

"It's probably some meaning. Maybe that's how you think everything's going to work out. I mean, look at this whole Lindsay situation."

I sighed. Lindsay and I hadn't been on great terms as of late. We got in a fight yesterday; I forgot why. It wasn't all that important, I guess, but the need to be close to someone was unbearable. "We'll be fine."

"You're not even trying, man."

"Holy shit. You said something like that in my dream. I'm not even joking with you."

"But you're not, Justin. You give up when things get tough."

Not always, but I held my tongue. I didn't want to argue with the one not-neurotic man in the conversation. "I know. You act like I don't know that I'm a fuck-up. Even my head's telling me that I'm a royal fuck-up. I don't get to raise my imaginary kid. I don't get to see what would've happened if I got out of that joint like I wanted to. I don't even get to even try to save my relationship with Liz. I don't get jack shit, and you think I don't know that I don't see things through? I don't even see my dreams through. What makes you think I'd see my relationships through?"

He sighed once again. Why do they always sigh? "Shit, Dot's up. I gotta go. Try to relax. Get some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow at maybe a normal daytime hour, alright?"

"Alright." I reply in a flat tone.

"Goodnight." Click.

But I'm not going to sleep yet. Not just yet.

I put on a hoodie and a hat and pull it over my ears. I walk out the door and feel the freezing air slam against the skin on my face. "Even Minneapolis wants me to go to sleep," I mutter to myself. Times like these make me want to drink. At least I'd feel slightly warmer, but the lack of sleep and my mind racing makes up for the ignorance of one's consciousness when drinking. Where was I going, again?

Oh, right. I was going to Kari's. Kari would make me feel better. I'd been spending more and more time with her as of late. The exchange I had in my head of her and I in my dream was something like the way we were most of the time. Nobody knew that I was spending time with her, of course. The times we spent together were usually in the strange hours of the evening, and were usually the best hours of some of my painful days.

I knocked on her door fervently, begging her to answer. The temperatures, I felt, were slowly drowning me. "KARI!" I shouted, banging on the door louder and louder. The door swung open to a pale Kari with swollen red eyes. "Kari," I said softly.

"Get inside," she said, grabbing my hand and pulling me into her living room.

"Kari, I-"

"I don't care." She pulled me close and kissed me, over and over again, but there was something sad to the way she wrapped her arms around me. I turned away and looked at her sad blue eyes.

"Kari, what's wrong?" I wiped away a tear with my thumb and gently pulled her down onto the couch with me.

"I..." She shuddered and put her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her. "I don't know if I can do this."

"What do you mean?"

I heard a door open and the floorboards creak. Rubbing her eyes in My Little Pony pajamas was a little girl named Natalie. "Daddy?"

"Hey, pumpkin." I said, my eyes lighting up. I picked her up, hugging her tight. "Now, what are you doing up? It's way past your bedtime."

"I woke up 'cause I had a bad dream and I heard Mommy, so I got up and went looking for her." She yawned and I smiled. She looked adorable even when she was tired. "Why does Mommy look sad?"

"Well, Mommy missed Daddy very much, so Daddy came over to cheer her up."

"I miss you too, Daddy."

"I know you do, sweetheart, but Daddy's....Daddy's got Daddy issues sometimes." I looked at Kari with loving eyes, knowing that I'd fucked up her life too. "But you got to go to bed. You'll be all cranky tomorrow."

"I won't be all cranky...." she said in a persuading voice.

I chuckled. "Yes, you will," I said, walking into her room. It was light blue and her nightlight made the room look like the night sky. She turned her head into my neck to avoid the light. I tucked her into bed.

"Are you warm?" She nodded.

"Are you snuggily?" She nodded again.

"Are you ticklish?" She shook her head fiercely. "Are you sure?" I said, a smile creeping onto my face as I tickled her sides. She started laughing and I stopped. "Shhhh, your mom'll be mad at me if I keep you up."

"Daddy, tell me a bedtime story."

"No, you gotta go to bed."

"Pleaaaaaassseeeeeee," she whined.

"I gotta say, it's hard to say no to that...Alright." I try to think of something quick before she gets mad with me. "So once upon a time, there was a big old scary dinosaur named....Rex. Rex the Dinosaur was a nice dinosaur, sure, but because he was so big and scary, he caused a lot of damage to cities and stuff, kinda like Godzilla."

"Daddy, what's Godzilla?"

"Um, a city called Tokyo is kinda destroyed by a big scary dinosaur named Godzilla. Anyway, back to the-"

"Is there big 'expelosians' and stuff?"

"Slightly. Anyway-"

"Can we watch Godzilla?"

"Natalie, do you want me to tell you a story or not?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Alright, then. So, Rex the Dinosaur meets a very nice bee named...Daisy, and Daisy the Bee and Rex hang out a lot. They become best friends. Then, one day, Rex goes out and gets in a fight with another dinosaur and they cause a whole big mess in a city where all these different animals and stuff live. It's a huge...um," I tried to think of words within a three-year old's vocabulary that suffice the word 'disaster,' but no words come to mind. "It's a huge downer for all the animals who live in the city."

"What's a downer, Daddy?"

"A downer is when something that's happening isn't very fun for everyone." Or, the opposite of a stimulant. She didn't need to know about those yet. I hope she would never learn about those.

"Oh. That's not very nice."

"No, it wasn't. Of course, Rex the Dinosaur doesn't think much of it because he doesn't know that he caused a huge mess. He's a very silly dinosaur. Daisy has friends who lived in the city where Rex messed up and...she's really not happy. Daisy doesn't want to hang out with Rex anymore after what he did, so...he runs off, because now he's upset. He thought that Daisy didn't care about him, but she cared about him more than anybody else.

"So Rex had a lot of crazy adventures because he didn't want to think about all the animals he had accidentally hurt. All that time, Daisy the Bee heard about all his crazy adventures and hoped he was happy. One day, Rex bumped into Daisy and they had a super big hug and made up."

Okay, that wasn't exactly how it happened, but Natalie didn't need to know that.

"He said he was sorry for hurting her feelings and she said she was sorry too. And they all lived happily ever after," I said quieter. Natalie's eyes were closed. "The end." I picked up her favorite stuffed animal, an adorably perky Fluttershy, and tucked it under her arm. She squeezed it tight and I kissed her goodnight.

"Night, akachan*." I said at the doorway.

"Night, chichi**." She replied. Teaching her a couple Japanese words was a nice touch. High-five, super dad.

I closed the door and walked out to the living room. Kari was watching laying on the couch, watching TV. "Hey," I whispered, leaning against the door.

"Hey," she replied.

"Whatcha watching?"

"Cash Cab. It was the only thing on besides infomercials."

"I'm surprised you could find it."

"Yeah." She sat up and I sat down next to her once again. She leaned into me and I pulled her close. "You tired?"

No. "Kinda. I'm sure you are." I said.

"It is kind of difficult not having you around sometimes."

"I know that, and I'm sorry. I'm gonna be better about that, I promise you."

"What's your word to me." She said bitterly.

"What's my word?" I pulled away from her and glared at her with anger. "I promised you I'd quit drinking when Natalie was born. Have I had anything to drink since?"

"Once."
"That was on our anniversary and you were drinking too, might I add."

"That's not the same, Justin. I don't have a drinking problem. You do."

"You have a problem cutting yourself. You didn't promise me that you'd stop."

"You're not the one living here, day after day, taking care of your little girl while your spouse fucks around and does what they want to do."

"You know that I want to be here, Kari."

"Then why aren't you?"

"Because it's my job. Being in a band requires me to tour constantly. I'm not exactly anchored when that time comes around."

"I gave that up when Natalie was born."

"Sort of."

"Farewell Continental stays within the area. If anything ever happened to Natalie while I was in the middle of a gig, I'd leave in a second."

"And I would too. You know that." I sighed and held her hands.

"I know." She looked down sadly.

I kissed her on the temple. "I love you, Kari. Don't you know that?"

"Yes, I do, and I know that you love Nat. So why not stay here more often? She needs a father figure."

"I will. I'm gonna be better about that." She looked amazing against the glow of the TV. "You should probably get some sleep. We should probably get some sleep."

She grinned. "Yeah. You're making breakfast."

"Damn straight," I replied, walking down the hall to the bedroom. "In the morning, I'm making waffles." I tried to say in an Eddie Murphy voice.

"Shhh; you'll wake up Nattie." Kari said, barely stopping herself from laughing hard. "It better be a tasty treat."

"I can take on the challenge."

"Well, you better be able to take it."

"Well, I will. Bring it." I was leaning against the door, still joking around like we were a stupid teenage couple.

"You bring it."

"I will."

"Well, then." She pushed the door open and I fell backwards onto the floor. "This'll make for a fun evening." She closed the door behind her, without turning around and I felt loved.