Without Doubt

Holly Luich

Laying my head on Kari’s shoulder, I turned so that I was leaning against him. The plane was unnaturally uncomfortable, but maybe it was just me. If we didn’t win against the Wild, we’d only be in the plane once more until next season. There was so much at stake, and while a lot of the guys were pumped, it was hard to constantly stay in that mood. “So you really have no idea who it could be?”

Shaking my head at him, there wasn’t much else to say. “I know who I’d like it to be. If we don’t make it to playoffs, I just want the season to be over already so we can go home. I want to clear my head of this mess. It’s sweet, Kari, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time it hurts to think about. It’s a heavy thought.”

He didn’t look at me, but it was obvious that Kari was still tired. We’d only been flying about half an hour and still had two to go, but I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. Maybe it was because of the Finn next to me, but I felt useless. I felt him wrap his arm around my shoulder and pull me close. It did the trick, lulling me to sleep.

~

I had kept to myself since we had entered the Xcel Center, but was quickly starting to regret it. Kari had stood on his head for us, quite literally, and the man was playing his heart out. We just couldn’t get through Backstrom, and the frustration was clearly building. “If you guys want this, then it’s right in front of us. It is within our grasp, to the point of where I can taste the cup now. We need to be out there for the next twenty minutes and blow these guys away.”

Leave it to Captain Morrow to pump us up.

Something must have been said in the other locker room because they came out gunning for us. It was hard to think; one second we were gulping water, the next we were being rocked into the boards. My body was crying for a break, but we couldn’t afford it. Crawford yelled at us again, and rather snap back at how we had just come off, Loui, Otter, and I hopped over the boards and scrambled to catch the advancing Wild. Colton Gillies deked the puck, sending his shoulder into me before passing it off.

Our sticks tangled up one the mix and he jerked hard, sending me crashing into the ice. Climbing to my knee, I skated as hard as I could to catch him, but it was too late. It happened slowly, watching him crash into Kari and sending him against the crossbar. He crumbled to the ice, and I felt like my world was being ripped apart. Maybe it was overreacting, but I couldn’t help what was running through my head. The trainer and Brendon stood next to Kari, helping him up slowly and keeping him talking.

Snapping my head around, I found the man responsible and headed for him. Dropping my gloves, my stick several feet behind me already, I grabbed him jersey and punched him square in the face. He disposed of his equipment and grabbed men all the same, dragging me down and hopefully making me miss. Letting go and then regrouping his collar, I punched him again twice in the side of his face before he returned the favour. I was angry and my body was running off of the adrenaline rush. The refs came towards us, pulling us both towards our penalty boxes.

~

Our season was over, and it ended there in St. Paul, Minnesota. When the final buzzer rang and the Wild clamoured over the ice towards their goalie, we started heading back to the locker room. Kari had tried, but the hit had knocked him around more than we thought.

Taking a breath of air, I skated back onto the ice where Kari was still skating small circles a few feet away. He glanced up, his blue eyes filled with a sadness that made me choke back tears. Holding my arms out to him, he wrapped his arms around me as best as possible, pulling me into a tight hug. His helmet was lifted, so there wasn’t metal in my face, but his eyes were even more clear this close. “Kari..”

Returning the hug, I felt him shake his head against me before he relaxed his grip. Frowning at him, he moved his face closers to mine before freezing. His eyes drifted from side to side before he pulled away entirely and headed into the tunnel without me.

You can’t be serious.

Kari Lehtonen

I stared at the emptied stall in front of me, still unsure of whether my eyes were blind or not. Karlis looked over at me with an air of pity, but I shrugged it off. There was an envelope in my stall when I arrived, and it had instantly made me sick. The combination of that and Holly’s empty stall tore through me harder than it should have.

It was you all along, wasn’t it?

Her exit interview had already been posted, leaving me to sit pathetically in her area and watch it with Karlis. He didn’t say anything, but it was obvious enough. The games had driven her away. Her eyes were red, like she had been crying.

My mind was fleeting as I started the car. I wouldn’t let her go. It was no secret that Philadelphia wanted her, but I would do everything I could to make her stay.

That is a lie.

I’d let her do whatever made her happy, and if that means watching her leave me at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport for bigger and better things, then so be it.

Pulling into her apartment complex in what felt like seconds, I wasn’t so sure that I should be allowed to drive if I was going to space out like that. Racing up to her floor, I knocked several times, but there was no answer. Testing the doorknob, it opened easily to a sight that made me week at the knees.

Everything was empty, boxes stacked against one wall, picture taken down, everything. Even her tv was unplugged, and that should have been my cue. Holly could never live without Spongebob at 4 pm every day, and even on the road games she brought her DVDs and watched them at the same time. The kitchen was jut the same, barking cabinets thrown open and raided empty.

Turning towards the stairs I had only taken once, I headed town the hallway quietly. Breathing in slowly, I turned the handle on her door and slipped in. All of the lights were off, curtains drawn, but there was enough light creeping out of the top of the drapes to illuminate the body under the covers. “Get out, Adam.”

“I’m not Adam, actually.” I had hoped that she would laugh, but her next words cut through me like steel knives through butter.

“What’s the difference? Are you done playing games with me? I should have known that you two would come up with this. To think, my best friend and the friend I ended up having feelings for, pulling the perfect prank. Congratulations, Kari. You won.”

Her crying could be heard, but my chest lurched with unknown guilt. None off that was true. Absolutely none of it, and I’d be damned if she left Dallas thinking that. Pulling off my shoes, I stepped to the other side of the bed and pulled the covers up. Sliding into the bed next to her, it was freezing in the room. My jeans scratched against the soft fabric of her sheets, but she didn’t move when I jerked the covers back over us.

Being as gentle as I could, I wiped the water off of her face with the cuff of my sweatshirt. Moving her hair behind her ear, she refused to look at me. Biting my lip, I didn’t know what not tell her because there was no chance she’d believe me. Cupping her cheek, I pressed my lips to her forehead, hoping for the best.

Holly’s free hand gripped the side of my jacket, forcing that surge of confidence to come rushing back like a waterfall. Kissing the tip of her nose, I kissed each closed eye, before steadying my breathing. Holly opened her eyes, and that when I realized that she had stopped crying. The sight almost made me laugh, just as she made me smile when I got back into my room in Colorado to find her sleep in my bed, tie still around her head. She brought me the joy in life I was searching for.

“I would never do that to you, no matter what, kultaseni,” Holly shuddered under my touch. I knew she loved it when I spoke Finnish, despite not understanding me. I’d teach her one day. I’d bring her home to my parents one day. I’d have a family with her one day. I wanted her for the rest of my life. “I love you, and I’ll be damned if I let you go.”

Never letting her say a word in response, I kissed her. Whatever driving force was behind my words, I could hardly remember as I lost myself in her.