Nothing at All

“God, Rian.” Zack breathed as the elder ravished his neck.

Their kisses were hurried and lust filled as they tried to take off as many clothes as they could.

The night hadn’t started like this at all. It was a mere joke. A drunken kiss that ignited a fuse that neither Zack nor Rian had anticipated to explode into something more. They were simply dancing on the table to ‘Nothing at All’ singing their hearts out with their friends. It was just a normal house party with the regular close friends.

Sure, Zack harbored feelings about Rian that no-one else knew about but Alex and Jack. But it didn’t mean anything right? Okay so it meant a lot to Zack that Rian had held him close and smiled at him that way. You know the way that made butterflies fucking spasm in his stomach and made his cheeks flush like a little school girl’s? Yeah, that way. It was a good thing that he buried his face into Rian’s shoulder, or that would have been embarrassing.

Zack was brought back to reality when Rian stuck his leg in between his and began to rut up against him. The sound of Rian groaning spurred Zack on to grab Rian by the hips, grinding his crotch against Rian’s thigh. Rian ripped Zack’s hands away from his hips and pinned them above his head with one of his own.

“Wanna fuck you.” Was all he said before snaking a hand up Zack’s shirt to run over the rock solid abs he knew lay beneath it.

Rian went back to attack the flesh on Zack’s neck as Zack tried to form a coherent sentence.

“Rian.” He breathed. “Rian, stop.”

Pulling away Rian gazed at Zack questioningly; even through his lust driven haze, Rian could still comprehend what Zack wanted.

“Are you?” Zack sighed, trying to word it right. “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

The alcohol seemed to vanish from both of their systems as the secrets were about to be poured out.

Rian swallowed a little, leaning into to whisper into Zack’s ear. “I’m not gonna lie, I know about how you feel. C’mon you know Jack can’t keep his mouth shut to save his life.”

Zack could feel his eyes beginning to well up with tears that he didn’t want to shed as he listened to Rian continue. “Zack I know you love me. I know that whenever you come near my drums during a set, that you start to get nervous. I see you just focusing on the guitar, whenever I come anywhere near you when we have down time. I’m not gonna lie; I don’t wanna hurt you but I don’t feel the same. I--”

That’s all it took for Zack’s world to come crashing down. Breaking his hands free from Rian’s hold, Zack shoved the drummer back and ran out the door. He ran down the stairs and past his friends, ignoring their calls and questions as he made his way to his car. Zack fished the keys out of his pocket, Rian’s words immediately sobering him up and giving him the ability to drive home. Sitting in the driver’s seat, Zack started the car and sped off away from the party; away from Rian.

Back at the party, Rian had lost sight of Zack when he got to the kitchen. But the sound of a car speeding off gave Rian a clue as to where Zack had gone. He tried asking any of his friends if Zack had told any of them where he was going. But it was proving to be difficult to do as most of his friends were off their faces. The only person who wasn’t completely out of it was Lisa but she simply shook her head, apologising as she told him that Zack hadn’t even said a word to anyone before he left.

Rian didn’t know if it was safe for Zack to be out driving but he seemed sober enough to shove him away before running down the stairs. Rian tried calling Zack’s phone. It rang a few times before cutting out. Rian felt a little hurt at the fact that Zack had deliberately ignored his call; it really hurt.

Zack was currently back home. He lay on his bed crying and nursing the only thing that was helping him; a bottle of Jager. Taking another swig he sobbed harder, trying to find some other way to mend his broken heart. The taste of the Jager was the only thing that was helping him right now.

You could go back to your old habits, a small voice piped up in his head.

He took another swig to hush the voice but it only seemed to spur it on.

And after the bottle’s finished? What then Zacky boy? Gonna pass out? C’mon, one little cut wouldn’t hurt... well it’ll feel better than how you’re feeling now eh?

The more the little voice in his head, the more he felt inclined to grab the small shiny razor he had tucked away all those years ago. He remembers why he tucked it away in the first place. Rian had found him on the brink of death after he had made a cut deeper than usual. Rian thought that he had lost his best friend forever and when Zack regained consciousness, Rian made him swear that he wouldn’t do it ever again.

Well, its his fault that you’re like this now, why do you have to keep your promise?

Zack jumped off his bed and searched for the shoebox that held all the things that no-one else knew about. His lube, his dildo and his razor. If anyone were to look in that box it would look as if Zack was pretty kinky. But the razor had nothing to do with the other two items. They were all things that he barely touched now.

He stood and walked to the bathroom with the razor in one hand and a small envelope in the other. He thought about everything that had happened that night and filed everything away in his memory. The bathroom tiles were cold against his warm skin; he had shed his clothes, leaving him only in his boxers. Leaning his head against the bathtub Zack held the razor in a gentle grip, pressing it with the right amount of pressure against his wrist. The familiar feeling of blood oozing out of the wound, made Zack feel so much lighter. So he continued to do make small cuts until his eyes fell shut, and he couldn’t cut anymore.

Rian found Zack’s car outside his own house. Letting himself in with the traded key that all four band members had, Rian set out in search of the bassist. The smell of Jager attacked his senses, leading him to Zack’s empty room. The bottle lay empty on his bed and Rian found the little box that once held the razor.

He walked down the hallway to find the bathroom light on and the door opened only a fraction. A horrible sense of guilt and deja vu hit him with a force so strong that Rian broke into a sprint. Forcing the door open, Rian let out a choked sob at the sight of the bassist; head tilted back, eyes shut, blood still seeping out of his wrists and his mouth slightly ajar.

Rian grabbed Zack’s discarded shirt to try and stop the bleeding, hoping against hope that he wasn’t too late. Scooping Zack up into his arms, trying to hold his head up, Rian tried to get the younger boy to wake up; making empty promises, whispering sweet nothings, begging for forgiveness over and over and over again.

“Please, Zack, Please!” He pleaded. “God, Zack. Just please wake up!”

Tears streamed down his face as he held Zack’s near lifeless body in his arms. Apology after apology seemed to fall from his lips as he cradled the boy to his chest.

Then it happened. A small shuffle.

Rian looked down to see that Zack’s head had moved ever so slightly. He reached down and, without thought, placed a tender kiss to his lips. Relief flooded Rian’s system when he felt a slight pressure being applied back to his. Pulling away, he watched as Zack’s eyes fluttered open slightly.

“R-Rian?” Zack mumbled.

Tears of joy spilt from Rian’s eyes and a wide grin spread across his face. “You fucking scared me. I’m gonna take care of you okay?”

“But, you don’t love me...” Zack trailed off as his eyes began to slip again.

“No, no, no Zack. Come on Zack, you have to keep your eyes open for me please. You’re not allowed to close your eyes okay? Come on please.” Rian pleaded as he gently tapped the side of Zack’s face.

“I’m gonna patch you up, get you something to keep you up for a little longer and then you can sleep. But until then; no sleeping.” Rian grunted as he lifted the younger boy off them floor.

Rian placed Zack on the countertop of the sink before reaching for the first aid kit. He pulled out a bandage, a bottle of antiseptic, a little gauze and tape and some cotton balls. Zack winced as Rian rubbed antiseptic fluid over his cuts carefully and tried not to make eye contact with him. There was a near silence as Rian continued to dress Zack’s wounds and neither of them knew how to fill it.

Finally Zack spoke. “Why are you doing this? Why didn’t you just let me die?”

“Because. You’re my best friend, Zack. I’m not going to stop caring about you ever.” Rian never made eye contact as he continued to roll the bandage up and around Zack’s wrist.

The words were meant to be comforting but they simply tore the remnants of Zack’s heart apart. Zack didn’t care if Rian was trying to do a good thing. The only thing he wanted right now was Rian to tell him that he loved him and that he was sorry.

But the confession of love never came.

Rian did what he said he would do. He made him some coffee and grabbed something from the cupboard for him to eat before taking him back up stairs to get him ready for bed. Zack said nothing even when Rian tried to get answers from him. Rian’s questions just wouldn’t stop; Why would you do that? Why did you break your promise? Why aren’t you answering me? Rian gave up when he saw the pain in Zack’s eyes.

Zack lay with his back to the door. He wanted Rian to stay with him. He wanted Rian to just lay with him for now. And he did. Rian took off his shoes and pressed himself up against Zack’s bare back. He snuggled closer to him as he wrapped his arms around the bassist.

Zack turned to face Rian with teary eyes. “I did it because you hurt me. I needed something to take the pain away. All I’ve ever wanted from you Rian was love. But all I’ll ever be to you is your best friend. It hurts so much to know that you’ll never feel the way I feel for you. Knowing that you’ll be with someone else while I sit on the sidelines and watch. It kills me every time you call me your best friend. That’s why I did it. Because you were killing me slowly, Rian.”

Rian pulled Zack closer to him as Zack sobbed openly into his chest. The tears that said so much, soaked his shirt and Rian didn’t know what to do.

So pressing a kiss to Zack’s hair he muttered the only thing that was going to make Zack feel better.

“I love you.”

Zack’s sobs turned into sniffles and soon he was coherent enough to process the words that Rian had uttered. He looked up with teary and pleading eyes, begging Rian to mean it.

“I mean it. If love means looking after you, making you smile, being there for you when you need me, then yes I love you. I mean it Zack. I really do.”

Leaning down he placed another kiss to Zack’s lips. He felt Zack press back meekly and Rian tentatively licked at his bottom lip. Rian pushed his tongue through Zack’s lips and took his time to savour how Zack tasted; the strong taste of Jager with a slight aftertaste of beer. It was slow and soft, no rush at all.

Zack pulled away slowly, smirking internally when Rian followed his lips. “I know you don’t mean it, Rian. I love you, but I’m not stupid. But right now I just... I just need someone to make me feel better, or loved.”

“You are loved.” Rian whispered as they both fell asleep.