Diary of a Disordered

My mom thinks she failed as a parent and blames herself, and that makes me feel bad. She wants to know why I want to be so thin, microscopic, but I don't know how to explain it. She asked me if I wanted to keep throwing up until I've ruined my throat or I die. I know this could kill me, but it's not something I can just quit. I don't know how to tell my mom that I have to be sknny and the way food makes me feel, I'm crazy.

I really think i'm going to try 'recovery' even though I don't feel as if I have an eating disorder. I know there will always be a lower number I could be, or a girl who's skinnier, but I'm not them. It's okay to gain weigh, I'm underweight not fat. I can eat without wanting to cry or throw up or exercise. I can ask for help. It'll be okay.