Into Forever

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the second broadcast of PotterWatch!” Lee exclaimed over the radio; Harry and Ron scooted a bit closer to the radio as Hermione turned the volume up.

“Tonight’s broadcast is brought to you by Cover Girl Age Reducer, the number one cream You-Know-Who trusts to keep his ancient skin looking young and radiant!”

“If you ask me,” Kelsey said, “I think he should be getting his money back on that one. Anyone else notice those unattractive wrinkles on his forehead?”

The trio burst out laughing as George came on the air.

“To you folks at home, we have an urgent update. It’s been confirmed that the Dark Lord has cursed his name. If you speak it, he will come. In fact, we’re pretty certain that’s how the Dark Lord tracked down our old studio.”

“You heard us right, folks, the Dark Lord sent a couple of his followers to hunt us down,” Fred reported. With a laugh, he said, “Luckily ol’ Roundie here has one hell of a right hook, and she knocked Yaxley out like a sack of sniveling bricks!”

Harry burst out laughing as Ron and Hermione cheered.

“So now we’ll introduce you to our newly created name for the Dark Lord,” Fred exclaimed. “We shall call him He-Who-Must-Be-Renamed!”

“That’s right, folks,” Kelsey said dryly. “Six years of schooling and that’s the best he can come up with.”

“Just for the record,” Fred replied, “Roundie here has the naming skills of a lifeless fish. You should’ve heard some of her name suggestions for the show! I’m a little concerned what she’ll call our child.”

“Keep it up and you’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight,” she shot back.

“At least the couch doesn’t snore like a pack of wild boars.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known that Rape-her will enjoy a lonely night on the couch this evening,” Kelsey announced. Harry and Hermione were laughing too hard to speak, but Ron managed to say between laughs,

“He’s in trouble now!”

“While we’re on the subject of this lovely couple,” George cut in; the trio could hear Kelsey and Fred bickering in the background. “Roundie here is now just a little over seven months pregnant. Two more months and she’ll have another baby crawling around here.”

“Another, Rodent?” Lee asked, trying to talk over Kelsey and Fred.

“She’s already got my less-attractive look alike to take care of,” George laughed, earning himself an audible smack from Fred. There was a thump, and then Kelsey came back on the air.

“While Rape-her and Rodent have their wrestling match behind me, River and I will launch into a brief commercial break.”

There was silence for a moment in which the sounds of the twins rolling around on the floor were more noticeable, and then Kelsey’s voice came on the air.

“Weasley’s Wizards Wheezes, the brilliant makers of the Nosebleed Nougat and the Fainting Fancies have just released a new product!”

Lee cleared his throat, and then, in a booming voice, he announced,

“Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who? You should be worrying about U-No-Poo- the constipation sensation that’s gripping the nation!”

“Side affects of this are loss of bowel movements, toilets feeling neglected, and a new appreciation for fiber and all of its effects!”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were red in the face, laughing so hard tears were streaming down their faces.

“We now return to PotterWatch,” Kelsey announced, sounding as serious as she could though it was obvious she was trying to smother her own laughter.

“Turning to a more serious note,” Lee said, “we’ll let Rodent get up off the ground and lead us into the death listings tonight.”

After a brief pause, Lee said,

“Alright then, Rodent will remain on the floor but nevertheless deliver the names. Take it away, Rodent.”

The list was much longer this time; just as many muggle families had been reported dead as wizarding families. George read off at least thirty families, and at the end, the trio closed their eyes and bowed their heads for a moment of silence.

“Picking up where we left off last week,” Fred said, effectively ending the silence, “We have another absolutely ridiculous rumor that we’d like to clear up for you.”

“I’m sure many of you have heard alleged rumors that Moldy Voldy has the ability to breathe fire,” Lee said. “Any advice on that, Rapier?”

“Honestly people,” Fred said as Harry wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes. “That would be a dragon. Though he’s got what some would say is a fiery personality, he still hasn’t harnessed that ability just yet.”

“And what about that crazy rumor flying around that he can double in size and swallow you whole?” Lee asked, making the trio laugh at the absurd rumor.

“Let’s be real, people, the only person doubling in size is Roundie, and-”

“You really aren’t interested in sleeping in the bed anymore, are you?” Kelsey snapped at Fred, making the trio laugh.

“I’m fairly certain You-Know-Who isn’t pregnant with Snape’s love child just yet,” Lee assured the listeners.

“River’s right. There are confirmed rumors that He-Who-Must-Be-Renamed is waiting until after the battle to settle down and raise those greasy little bundles of joy.”

“I’m sad to say that we’re near the end of our broadcast,” Lee said, clearing his throat. Hermione, Harry, and Ron met eyes and beamed at each other; just like last week, the broadcast had lifted their depleting spirits. As Hermione put out the fire, and Ron crawled into his bunk, Harry listened as Kelsey said,

“Like last week, we’d like to send a few words of luck. Firstly, to all of our listeners: don’t loose faith. Things may seem hard now, but we have each other, and we will prevail. And finally, to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, if you three are tuning in. We’re still supporting you all the way. We’ll back you three till the ends of the earth. I miss you three more than I would have thought was possible. We all send our luck. Hang in there; I know you three will succeed.”

“Listeners, that brings us to the end of PotterWatch. We don’t know when it will be possible to broadcast again, but you can be sure we shall be back. Keep twiddling those dials: the next password will be ‘Padfoot’. Keep each other safe: Keep faith. Goodnight.”