Innocent Mistake

Don't do it, Gerard.
Don't, don't, don't, don't do it.
Don't, don't, don't, don't do it.
Weren't those the words sung in one of your songs? Hidden behind pretty vocals, beautifully ripped apart guitars and drums that beat similar to our own hearts?
With intensity.
You're stepping on the edge now. Closer, closer, cl...

Damn.
You can't seem to let your foot leave the concrete edge.

Something's slowly enticing you back to the earth you yearned to depart so badly, something small, something whispered in the background of the dreams and nightmares wrestling in your mind.
Something soft...
Little words that grip you by the throat and draw you beneath the irrationality devouring your mind then pick you out of it full force...

Like it was waiting for you to drown so it can hand you the safety rope; after your lungs turned purple and your tongue was burned by the salinity worse than the tears of the broken-hearted.

Those subtle whispers were those of your own flesh and blood, your own dirty secret; the one you shared lust over, intermixed by pain and smoky transcripts of old fragile memories.
You never liked the fact that your desire dominated the elements of right and wrong; the instinct that ruled the human race found another pervasive being.

Like the fine laces of silk it slunk into every thought and iniquitous prurient stare tossed between two pairs of eyes, yours and his; the only barricade was the ranging shadows of guilt and bittersweet shame.
Other than that, all walls fell down behind shut doors and closed curtains.
All insecurities aside, love dominated.
And that was what led you away from the cement brink that faced the beautiful scenery of contending skyscrapers and merciless lights that would have seen the sticky end of a torn soul in the most humiliating way. A mere splat.

Back you ran, into the arms that held you so many loveless nights; nights where the sky fell crushing the bits of his mind and the whole of his heart.
"What are you going to do?" The lips gracing your sweat dotted forehead asked, hot and rushed breaths blowing at thin strands of your messy hair.

"Leave." you answer simply. It's like you were the child and he was the adult.
Helpless in this big world and lost.
You barely knew how to claw onto any emotion that passes by; you can never indulge in the moment.
The affect of drugs without the drugs.

But you knew that; so you hold onto him and cradled your weary head in his chest, dreading the very thought of facing the hazels above you.
You're weak, you're tired; you love him.

That's what destroyed you.
What jerked the tears from your black eyes.

The hearts that came from the same piece of liquid and flesh can't fall in the same pool; the same trap of insecurity and swirl of passion.
This forbidden kiss will claw the life out of you; it burned; your heart burned and withered with each gaze you'd staple on his frighteningly similar hazels.

Wait... what are you doing?

You're slipping away out of his arms, turning away.
You don't want to face him anymore; he won't save you if you stay any longer; he'll lose you for good.
What are you going to do, Gerard? He doesn't know what's the real problem, him.

He's the reason why you're heading to the corner and peering down; down at the glistening streets and the storming twinkles of lights beyond.
You want to so bad. You want to take the leap and just black out.
Don't, don't, don't, don't do it.

"Gerard?" he questions eyes agape, lips trembling.
You ignore him; you continue staring down at the open space, particles of unknown white sway, along with the gentle strokes of the caring wind, lift up to slap your cold face playfully.

"Gerard?" His terrified lips unleash the worry and concern bottled up inside that thin fragile chest of his.

"Wouldn't it be just... grand if we could just... go?" A smile creeps up your face as your fingers grasp onto the concrete brink tighter.
You're ready to lift and let go.

"No pain, no goodbyes, Mikes. You just... go." Your smile widens in glee that almost reached the point of delirium.

"Don't!" His abrupt words startle you out of your glee for a second; just before you sense a warmth spreading across your forearm. Pain. You can't hold on much longer; it's now or never.
Take the jump or fall deeper.

"Gerard!" A second shout travels out of his throat as he approaches you, shaking hand and stretched out fingers pleading for you to at least touch them; to reach back.
But you never looked back; that's what you were taught since you left the dark space called a womb, never look back. Just march on.

Ignore him, bite your lip and look away; ignore your pained heart and turn to your blistered lips.
It's too late to nurse those festering wounds.

There's nothing to fight, claw and bite for. You've bitten too many hands; you've been stung by the heat lying within bony ribcages more times than your uncertain lips have been kissed.
You want to paint them all black; cross them out to infinity.
Instead, your baby brother sheds the light on them again with his lit up smile and luminously gleeful eyes. He's not helping, is he?

Just smile and rub it in, Mikey. Just smile and rub it in.
Your thoughts squirm out for him to hear as you clench your teeth and bite the pink insides of your lip.
Your words won't stop seeping, they won't fucking stop!
That's why you're screaming now; from the top of this heightened fort.
You wish that your lungs would shred, your vocal chords would break.

Why does this have to be so hard? So fucking hard...
Your inspiration fails to create an answer for that conniving-ly simple question.
You want to fall and fall and never crash.

Wait! The whole idea of this is the crash...
Sensing your splattered brain matter on the concrete ground warming up your skull for the last time.

Damn... you've almost forgotten the petrified boy standing behind you, watching his glorified fucked up excuse for a brother knock away his sanity.
But you don't turn back; instead your screams intensify; again you shriek, like it's the end of the world, like the sky is ripping itself to bloody ribbons and grotesque horizons.
Get over it, fuckface. Just get over it... you repeat to yourself in low whispers, clenching and unclenching your suffering fists.

"Please walk away," You hear his pleading whimper, "Come back here. Away. Don't do it..." His quivering voice is stuffed with tears as he sees you shake your head vigorously.

"No, no, no, no, no..." Your tongue dances, "No."
You won't let his words get to you, will you?
They were what brought you here in the first place, remember?
Of course you do.

"I think I've found the one, Gerard. She's the one." he mutters behind a shy smile, the twitch in his hands revealing his excitement.
He expected you to be enthralled for him; the wide childish smile said so.
But what did you do?
You storm out of the room, leaving behind a trial of swears and curses, tossing aside a shade of unexplained gloom on your features.
You needed to blow up before you fracture the pillars of your patience. You needed space.

So here you are; on the verge of falling.
"You know what's it like to be hopeless, Mikes? It's like falling... falling into an endless pit, but when you hit the ground you don't die. You become desperate. You spread your kisses on the faces of the unworthy, you give up your body to fate; to the Gods so they can move you however they desire, like the paws of a sadistic cat cornering a helpless mouse, they play with you before you're eaten," You pause tilting your head, throwing pitiful looks above your shoulder, "I'm not hopeless anymore. I'm desperate..." A small well-measured smile rides up your smoke tainted lips.

"Why?" His teary question blares through the thick silence.
He didn't ask that. Oh no, he didn't.

No, no, no, no, no. Keep your mouth shut, Gerard. Not another word.

"I..." You stop. Good boy, Gerard. Good boy.

"You what?" The taller boy questions, his enticing eyes grope yours again, "You what?"

"I crashed. I burned. I melted." The smile turns into a smirk as your confusion turns to haughty arrogance. He doesn't know.
He burned you out with those admirable little smiles for far too long.
He's why you are what you are today.

Your heard screams have stopped but the ones squirming in your mind haven't.
Jump! Leave, go, perish. They writhe with their grins.
Jump, jump, jump, jump before those hazels get you.

You continue listening, you continue gazing down at the varnished streets, you continue to think.
You don't see him; he's walking behind you.
Wait, he paused.
His skinny arms engulf you in a tightened embrace; you freeze.
Your new found snide expression fades to nothingness.

Your last call to no-return is echoing now; take it or leave it?

Sink your nails in its rotten flesh as it's fading away at your mere sinful sight.

Sinful kisses or sin-torched ending?

Think, revise, ponder, wonder; just get over with it! Your angst-filled shouts echo once more.
You've done it now, Gerard.
He's looking at you stony tears glazing his twinkling eyes.
A dimmed down twinkle; not the bright one fueled by well-displayed happiness you used to secretly gloat about to your alter-egos. He's breaking apart the image he had of you. The unflawed impeccable glass shield framing your name has cracked.

He breaks your frame, he breaks your heart.

You're feeling tangled up, the knots in your eyes executed their lair's door and now pressing against the view in your head and squeezing...
And squeezing...
And squeezing...

You clutch the painted cement fearing that you'd lose control; that your fingers would go thrashing where you least wanted them to.
That's why you don't spare any attention for that twitch shivering in the corner of your eyes, threatening to release those tears hiding behind your fluttering lashes.
Don't let your parted heart bleed through your eyes.
You're tougher that that. Barely.
It's not wrong if you close your eyes and walk way.
Staring down at the ignorant world beneath; that's what you've been doing all this time; staring down at ignorance and lack of honesty, hope and love.

Your shallow redundant breaths form white equally redundant clouds blowing against the black of your hair, your heart leaps out of place tearing itself up as your grasp and wonder; jump or not? Think, think, think...

Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no? Decide.

"What's wrong, Gerard?" His eyes do all that talking, his lips are too much of a shivering lump of flesh than to pass any sound.

"Nothing." Your harsh looks whisper sharply as you shake your head and turn.

"We're the same flesh, the same origin; we're brothers, Gerard. You can tell me anything." Again his sad tear-glazed eyes mutter.

"I know," Your sad tortured smiles reply, "I know." You tear up on the inside as you reach to touch his slightly tanner cheeks your fingers submerging in caressing the tender skin.

"Then what's wrong? What was the trigger that catapulted and erupted this clash of emotions all over this night's sheets?" It was almost as if Mikey could feel your angst and confusion drenching everything at sight; including himself.
Well, if course. You share blood; you shared the same darkness you were thrust out of. You are one.
Your feelings are one.
How can you not share them?

Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin.
Whispers in your brain, whispers out of your brain; in, out, in out...
Friendly whispers, dirty whispers, harsh whispers, and just plain old vulgar yells, telling you the same thing.
To do it.

But yet again, he whispers; through looks ad subconscious pleas; "Don't leave me?"

"I got to." You single tear cries out as you stare, as you put your unsteady arms around him. Be the comfort, be the brother he wants. Neglect your hopeless heart and nurture his.
Overpower this war between the mirrors of your guilt; be stronger; step over the broken glass and reach out.
This heart can fit two.
Whisper in his ear subtle goodbyes and cut throat last kisses of those worded phrases, "You can't lose your Angel, dear fellow heart. I am your guardian Angel, I'll watch over you when it's all over. I'll leave..."

"Why?" he asks again.

"Because the tangles of the un-mended heart speaking to you won't hesitate to cut themselves open. Complexity rules this whole damn situation; a wall barricading my release," Your hushed tone cries silently into his ears, "Complexity, Mikey. Fucking complexity."

"You promised never to leave..." he whimpers, "You fucking promised..."

"Promises are childish things. Words following happy grins and overflowing confidence; they're ego. They're not real."

"But you are."
That hit a nerve Mr. Way, admit it.
You've missed something; a heart beat and a soul.
Kiss that forehead; rest the angst lying beneath those layers of skin and bones.

Leave, Gerard.
Leave now!
You know that the concrete ground longs to the touch of your skin and warm red spilling all over its cracks and olden contusions.
You know the old dryness of the land below yearns for the sensation of your emerging insides and broken open wounds.
You know you want to do it.
Leave to live.

... But you can't. The part that retches every night and day dreading moments like these has finally woken up; well, moreover has been sedated by the collage of words pasted and fallen from a young boy's lips.
You had too much emotion, you cared more than your frayed heart can handle; the kind of love if affordable was like glass to diamonds in comparison with the love you got from this lost little boy.
You're mad at him; depressed to the bone that you want to hear snap like the cracks of ice cubes under adolescent teeth.
The reason was vague like a cloud of smoke within the early fog.

Don't kiss him, it'll be the end.
Don't kiss him; he'll shun you for the sinner you are.
Don't kiss him, he's your brother.

Keep your arms clasped around him and shake out the tears.

Love this little boy like you always did, in confidence; break this clandestine promise yourself; a childish promise that is; that your panting lips will never break a young heart, will never mention your torn love, will never enter the labyrinth of swollen knuckles and black eyes; thou shall speak no words about forbidden love. Thou shall leave it all inside to fester within the tired care of thyself.

Now again, hold him and stare. Watch those defenseless tears roll on those thin cheeks, running away from the hazel temples of his blurred vision.
Disgrace.
That's what you should be feeling.
Disgrace.
Shame.
Infamy.
You've let those tears escape the safe inside to the outer world for what?
A senseless absurd want to exit this world in the most painless way for you.
And you alone.

"Don't do it."
It's stabbing you again; your conscience; your righteous partner.
And you can't do anything about the needle sticking in your throat; all the drugs in the world won't wash away this recurring pain.

You never knew better.

You just gently bite your lip and rest your aching hands around the body of the tired younger being.
You wish you can restore the charming boyish smile that vanished off of the lips similar to yours.

Steal the gleam and soul from his eyes. Steal it.

With your sense of inadequacy, with your selfish want to resign from the world by plucking away every value and virtue planted deep within your skin, until you're guiltless, senseless; edging on the brink of inhumanity.
That all went along with the screams struggling to leave your head, except all what escaped were the tears shrouding your vacant penitence.

Like the writing on the walls, like the words of comfort leaving your mothers lips when you received your first shot.
You wish they were real.
That they were reliable.
That they will actually function in resting the poisoned exasperation roaming your black and blue brain.

"Don't leave... I'm begging you." His lips are still but his heart beat is whispering; words from the heart, words from the heart, words from the heart.
They rip,
They mean,
They need.

"I need you." His heart beat races and pounds against your skin faster, faster and faster. You could almost feel the veins caressing your chest and strained muscles.
Tears wet your T-shirt silently as you hear the crack of the heart facing yours while you stared at the brink again; your escapade. Your sought finale.

Run; run and let yourself fall. That's what the voices are saying. Leave the mass of flesh and blood shackled to your heart and thoughts and disconnect.
If you cherish the very memory of him you'll leave. You can't help to lend the shouts an audient ear; they're luring you slowly with baits of scenic words and tasteful tricks.

The blue skies and grey grounds are calling
You can't fail them
The sand awaits its fate
To be soaked in your blood
To sense the crack of your brittle bones

Your eyes are drifting, the chains welding both your hearts and your lonesome infatuation are being pull pulled to the limits your heart wishes it can pass.
The molten blue in the sky now stared back at you; do it or not?
Close them. Close them tight.
Lace your fingers around the younger body and imagine.

No clothes on, no clothes on, clothes off.
Bliss.
Let it go on forever.
See the mutual bodies entwined, flesh to flesh and open your eyes.
Dream into dream you delve. Close your eyes in reality to open them into fantasy then to fantasy once more.
That's where you wanted to be.
With him.
Not just by body, heart-wise as well.

Need.
End it all and perish yourself or go on and watch your heart rip and shred everyday as every emotion burns itself away to the images of kisses and touches.
I have faith in you,
Don't stomp and grind it away.
His voice caresses your ears from previous nights and occasions.

Have hope,
Have faith.

"Hope, faith, hope, faith, hope or faith..." you mutter to yourself singing your closed eyes to sleep; open them again.
Choose already!
Sing to yourself, sing within his chest, sing within your head; but don't let the hums and words escape your mouth.
Just hold him and hold him until it all goes away.
Till all this confusion and emotions cluttered in your head and thoughts are ironed down by the reality of this situation.

Oh, reality and its smoldering cruelty.

You used to wonder everyday why wouldn't it let you live beyond your barrier of dreams; why it wouldn't allow you to leave? Why you always had to return and deal with it despicable brashness and its painful injections of truth.
Why did it have to ruin your sweet awakening?
Why did it have to burn down the heavens in your mind?
Remind you that falling for blood-laced Angels is sinful?
But you've always returned to sleep and fantasies.

You force yourself to listen to your heart beat.
Now you're listening to his.

Like it was the only sound around.
You're listening to its kisses and cries as it repeats the same plea over and over again.

Don't leave
Don't runaway.

Listen, believe; surrender to his begging...
Tread over the need to be the vigilante you've known yourself to be and listen for once.
Give your ears a chance to absorb the collection of words linked together by the sound of your brother.
Your oh-so fragile brother now...

You want to be his one and only; you don't want your position to be taken away by some whore. That's all your ego would let you call her.
Whore.

But she's only a brick in the way, a brick in the way.
The unification between brother and lover will be complete one day; brothers should be able to love like others do.
Body heat may have a part but it's the sensed flutter of a heart beat that matters. The nervous stares, trembling lips and shaking fingers. It's all in how bodies speak; gestures, touches, even timid looks.
You want to delve beyond those; into a deeper kind of love, a fucked up corner that's a pit stop in your trip to the asylum.

Like you your desires tend to be gentle and loving; also, twisted and psychotic. It's all in the curled corners of your subtle smiles.
You're almost clinging to him now as he breaks away; lacing your fingers with his hair before you let go and your eyes meet.
The pair of ambiguous hazel meet.

You spot the run-away tears that snuck from his eyes tip-toeing their way to his reddened cheeks.
You haven't even felt them wet your fairly thin clothing.

The unseen chains and unheard sobs sunk into your heart and under your skin as regret overflowed drenching your ego as you've missed out the chance to restrain them; clam him down and murder his cries in the crib.

Biting your lip you place your cold finger tips on his cheek and slowly you wipe the tear away, murmurs and whimpers escaping your lips; supposed apologies and pleas.

Say you're sorry, beg for his forgiveness; fall on your knees.

His eyes follow your fingers as they tread the warm skin, the tremble in his lips repeats along with the little convulsions dancing within his jaw occasionally.
You knew he was scared of your next action; your next decision.
Both of you were scared of... you. Both of you were expecting an impulse of some sort.

Very different impulses.
Kiss or tell?
So many choices, but sadly the right one didn't lay within either of them.

You stare back at him again with looks like fire; intoxicating. Looks that trick you to keep staring, to keep looking at the flame and the heat.
You want to burn him so he can melt with you, combust and shape into one welded heart; welded lips.
You want to transmit your affection in the most expressive and sufficient way ever imagined; a kiss.

Your inch your face closer as your breaths halt at the entrance of your lungs, you pause and lean in... your forehead rests on his as you whisper,
"This isn't getting any better, Mikey..." Your voice comes out calm and steady like the rocks beneath your feet, "We all fall down... and I fell down and tripped over the shatters of my broken heart. It hurts, Mikes," You stroke his hair gently your lips so close to his, "It fucking hurts..." Your lashes are touching his own, "I can't stand seeing this corpse in the mirror looking back at me, I can't stop the bleeding that stains the sheets every night, corpse tears. I only kept a mirror because I saw the red form peeking out of my ribcage still beating. But now it isn't. It was amputated by painted fingernails and sweet coy looks. The only time I didn't want to smash that person was when he held the heart I craved the most; the heart I wanted to break; only me." Tears are trickling down your lashes as your fingers hug his brown locks, "Pick out another heart from the branches within others' chests? I can't do that, Mikey. The golden fruit was already picked; it chose which hands to fall into..." you whisper to last words bitterness dangling from your lips; so close to his.

Say you're sorry. It's all you're good for.
You remember past lovers' words, insults; smirks.
Sarcasm doused moans, fake moans, send more tears slamming against the skin of your cheeks along with his; your fingers grasp his hair tighter your lips move closer.
He doesn't speak.

You kiss.

Your eyelids close and shut themselves so tight they almost merge and create the same darkness your eyes witness in the womb.
Your fingers sense and cherish his hair while your lips press onto his and touch.
You drown into silence interrupted by the sound of racing breaths and vapors of white; you kiss, kiss and kiss him.

A few tantalizing seconds later your kiss breaks, your tears die; you look at him, your innocent mistake.
The hole in your lungs cracks away reaching your heart as you face his closed eyes and agape lips; oh-so needy lips.
You breathe; you wipe that tear and kiss him again. You've never felt your heart so close to the edge, so close to stopping; fluttering so hard, breaking the barriers of your ribs and flesh.

Your heart had taken the jump.
And that's all you asked for...

You kiss the tears on his lips, kiss all of them as you feel the supple object of your lust; the divine articles that kept your eyes roaming his face, whenever he was unaware; whenever he looked up and stared at nothing; they kept you looking.
They kept the smile on your face, the one you put up to keep from crying.
They failed now.

You're already crying...

Take away your kiss again, open your eyes...
His eyes are still shut; the temptation to steal another kiss strikes again, you resist it staring at those shielded eyes.

"The glass heart I want to drop is within a diamond vault I cannot touch, I shouldn't dare to touch, but I'm willing to handle the burns and scar tissue for it. A disfigured heart will never be satisfied with a deformed incomplete ego. A piece of wrong mended my righteous path; pieces of wrong. It's like hitting your head into a wall repetitively from the moment right and wrong reveal to your young eyes, then you realize it won't break; you will. You cry then stop. You live with the scars you inflicted by slitting hearts, not wrists. You bleed secrets, Mikes. Your actions pick the scabs and you bleed words, lust, dirt and grime. We're all dirty, Mikey. Dirty fucked up Angels..." you whisper again, stroking his hair within the darkness.
The bright lights were dying away, the stars were fading and his breaths were still shallow.

You've jumped; you've made the biggest fucking jump of them all.

You've slaughtered something other than your morbid soul...
You're murdered blood.
A sigh leaves your lips as your release your younger brother and back away; you stare at him, motionless, shivering and most of all tearful.

"I love you..." Your voice doesn't exceed a whisper as you walk away your heart cracked and burnt.
You knew you broke an innocent soul back there but you keep walking to the inside.
Tears and rain will was him away... the cold will extinguish all his traces.

So you walk away. Leaving your wounded half to lick his wounds..
So you leave...
He's your mistake now.

Your innocent mistake.