The Only Hope for Me Is You

I turned my head to watch Lauren walk back into the shack, and once she disappeared, I let out a loud sigh, staring up at the stars above, covering my eyes with my forearm. I had to choose, for real this time, and whoever I chose, I would stay with them. No more going back and forth, no more stupid ways to try to keep both of them without hurting the other…I had to decide, and right now.

I thought about it for what seemed like hours, going back and forth in my head, going through the pros and cons of the both of them.

Frank was the one who had saved me; from Dracs the day we met, from death, and from myself. Before I was with him, I was slightly reckless and stupid, but he put my head straight, and I loved him for that. We had a lot in common, and he cared about me as much as I cared about him, but when I was with him, I didn’t feel anything. It was like I was with him because I was trying to prove something to myself, and that isn’t what relationships were supposed to be like at all.

It was different with Gerard; We had a history together. Before BL/ind, and the desertification of California, and the creation of the Zones…we had something. To me, he was always the awkward, adorable artsy kid that came into my store just to see me every day. And to be honest, I would always be checking the door, waiting for him to come see me. I knew Gerard was extremely protective of me. We had so much in common, it’s almost like we were the same person. He was much more caring and sweet to me than anyone I had ever met before in my life, and to be honest, whenever we talked, I could never stop myself from smiling. I was happy when I was with him; wasn’t that what it all came down to?

“I think I finally decided,” I said aloud, smiling to myself. Slowly, I got onto my feet, dusted myself off, and walked back into the shack, and down the hall to Frank’s room, feeling horrible for what I was about to do to him. It was going to crush his heart, I knew it.

I slowly opened the door to Frank’s bedroom, and slid through the narrow space between the door and the frame, careful as to not make a sound, entered the dimly lit room, and saw Frank lying on his bed, with Pansy on his lap; he had taken his vest off, and it was lying across the back of his desk chair.

“Hey,” I heard him say, and I smiled, closing the door behind me and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hi,” I replied, looking down at him sadly, and hung my head. “Look, about what I said earlier—“

“No, no, I understand,” he said, waving his hands in the air in front of his face. “You were so wasted…I mean, It stung at first, it really did, but then I realized you didn’t even know what you were saying,” He grabbed my arm lightly, and rubbed it reassuringly and smiled. “It’s okay, babe…really.”

“No, it’s not okay,” I said, pulling my arm away from him and standing up. “I fucked up, Frank. From the beginning…I fucked up.” I covered my face with my hands, feeling the tears forming in my eyes, and slowly dragged my hands down my face, and stared at Frank, waiting for a reaction from him. He was staring at me, confused, his mouth opening and closing, trying to find the words to say, but nothing was coming out.

“W—what do you mean?” he said finally, leaning up on his elbows. “Cy, what’s wrong?”

“Everything’s wrong,” I said, letting the tears start to fall down my face, leaving trails in the dust that was caked onto it from the desert winds. “I just—I can’t pretend anymore, Frank. I can’t—“ I balled my hands into fists, and brought them up to the side of my head, grimacing, squeezing my eyes tight.

“Cy, no,” He said, placing Pansy beside him, swinging his legs off the side and quickly walked over to hold me tightly against his chest. “What’s wrong babe? Talk to me…” He rubbed the back of my head, comforting my as I cried on his shoulder, leaving a dark stain of tears on the shoulder of his yellow sleeve.

“I can’t…” I choked out, squeezing even more tears out of my eyes, as well as my arms around him.

“You can’t what, babe?”

“I can’t do this…not anymore…”

“Do what…?” he asked. “Cy, you’re scaring me…babe, TALK to me…” He pulled me off of his chest, with much resistance from me, and put his hands on my shoulders, and stared into my tear-stained eyes with his brown ones, full of worry and concern. “PLEASE open up to me. I love you…”

“That’s just it,” I said, my lips quivering. “Love. It’s so fucking hard, I can’t—“

“Cy—“

“No, Frank,” I said. “I’ve been lying to myself for a long time now, thinking I made the right decision.” I looked at the floor for a few seconds, then back up at Frank. “I was wrong.”

“What…?”

“Frank, I love you, and I want you to know that.”

“Babe, I know you do…and I love you too, so much…” He put his thumb under my chin and tilted my head back and kissed me on the lips lightly, but I just shook my head.

“Frank,” I said, taking a couple steps back. “I feel nothing. I’m completely numb. When you kiss me, I don’t feel anything…not like I used to, and I just…I’m not happy anymore, Frank, and I don’t even know what to do anymore—“

“I understand.” He said blatantly, cutting me off, leaning to the side on his good leg, shaking his head and staring at the floor, smiling with the corner of his mouth.

“What?” I asked, and he lifted his head up, still smirking.

“I said I understand.”

“But what does that mean, Frank?” He smiled, and scratched the back of his head, ruffling his hair and walked the few steps over to me and wrapped his arms around me again, his chin on my shoulder, rubbing my back.

“I understand everything,” he said. “You still have feelings for Gerard, and you think you would be happier with him than you are with me.” He pushed me away again, staring right into my eyes. “It’s okay, Cy. I understand. Lauren came in to talk to me about everything…to let me know what was going on.”

“She did?” I asked. “She came to talk to me too…” I let out a tiny smile, realizing that Lauren actually cared about what happened to me. She was my best friend, and practically my sister, and I had to think of a way to thank her for caring so much.

“What’d she say to you?” he asked, his hands still on my shoulders. “She told me that you were confused, and that I shouldn’t be upset that you are.”

“She’s so sweet…” I said quietly, my gaze moving to the floor. “So you aren’t even mad?”

“Not one bit, Cy.”

I lifted my head again, and looking into his eyes, I felt a tiny smile emerge on my face, and felt more tears fall from the corners from my eyes. My lip quivered again before I latched myself onto Frank once again, digging my head into his chest.

“I will always love you Frank,” I sobbed, tilting my head back to look up at him. “I promise. You saved me from myself, and made me a better person...and for that…I will always have a special place in my heart for you.”

“I love you, Cy,” He said, and walked me over to the bed and sat down next to me.

“I love you too.” I said.

“And I want you to know…” He said, turning to look right at me once again.

“Yes?” He shifted his position to sit completely face me.

“I’m not even mad. If anything, I’m happy that my best friend is going to be happy with the prettiest, most beautiful, amazing girl in all the Zones.”

“Awe, Frank…” I said, leaning forward to put my head on his chest. “You’re so sweet…I feel so terrible for doing this to you…” He put an arm around my shoulder and shook his head.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “You shouldn’t be sorry…you’re the one that makes yourself happy. And that’s all I want you to be, Cy…I want you to be truly happy.” He kissed the top of my head, and continued. “No matter who you’re with or what you are doing, I want my Cyanide to be happy.”

“Frank…I don’t even know what to say—“

“Don’t say anything.” He said. “Go to Gerard. Tell him how you feel about everything. I’m completely behind you on everything.” I smiled, stood up, and took his hands in mine, and kissed him on the forehead before turning to face the door. I opened it, and stopped, and turned around.

“Frank?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for understanding.”

“No problem, Cy,” he said, and shooed me away. “Now GO to him! WITHOUT A SOUND I WISH YOU AWAY!” I nodded, chuckling at the lyrics he included so perfectly, and left his room, closing the door behind me, and walked down the hall to Gerard’s room, and knocked on his door lightly.

“Come in!” I hear him call out from inside, and I slowly opened the door, and walked inside, a small smile on my face. He was sitting cross legged on his bed, jacket on the foot of his bed, a sketchpad in his lap and a box of pens and markers on the bed next to him. As I walked in, he set the sketchpad aside and scooted aside, patting the bed for me to sit on.

“Hey, Gee,” I said, walking slowly to the bed and sat down next to him.

“Hey,” He said, smiling, but it faded quickly as he saw ho much pain was in my eyes. “Cy…what’s wrong? You okay?”

“Yeah, it’s n-nothing…” I said. “Just…Frank and I are done.”

“Shit,” he said, lightly holding my shoulder what happened? Are you okay? Wanna talk about it?”

“Yeah…I’m fine,” I said, looking up at him. “I really am. He understood what was going on, and he said he wasn’t even angry about it at all.”

“Really? Wow…”

“I know right?” I said, leaning backwards, snuggling myself into Gerard’s lap, my head below his chin, resting on his chest. I felt him curl his arm around my waist, and held my hand in his, and placed his chin on top of my head lightly. “I was expecting so much worse…but you know what he said?”

“What?”

“He said that he just wants me to be happy…no matter who I’m with.” I smiled, remembering the way he had said that. “He said that’s all that matters to him…that I am happy.”

“That’s exactly what I said,” Gerard said, squeezing my hand before tilting his head to the side to look into my eyes. “You know, Lauren came in to talk to me about this.”

“Really?” I said, my head shooting up. “She talked to me and Frank too…”

“I told her she didn’t need to, but I’m sure she just wanted everything sorted out,” Gerard said, then chuckled. “You know…she mentioned the…well…you know…”

“Oh my god!” I cried.

“Everyone heard us…”

“Noooo!” I yelled, burying my face in my hands and shaking my head. “God, that’s embarrassing…”

“Tell me about it.” He said. “Poor Mikey…I think we scarred him.”

“Or gave him some pointers,” I joked, and Gerard chuckled, pecking me on the cheek. I returned the favor, but on his lips. He grinned widely, his teeth visible.

“Does this mean that…?”

“Yeah, Gee, it does.” I replied, and leaned in until our lips collided softly, our tongues massaging each others gently. This lasted a minute or two before he pulled away, smiling.

“Good old Frank,” Gerard said, shaking his head. “He’s so honest and loyal…I don’t know where I would be without him.”

“Me neither,” I said. “He’s the one that saved me from the Dracs that day we met, you know.”

“That day we met AGAIN, you mean,” He said, grinning.

“You know what I mean, silly.” I replied, sticking my tongue out at him and grinning back.

“Yeah…I do,” Gerard said. “He told me everything about you that night.”

“Oh really?” I asked, intrigued. “What did he say about me?”

“You really want to know?”

“YES, please!”

“Okay one sec,” He said, and grabbed my waist with both of his hands, pulling me backwards, until I was lying completely on top of him on my back. I giggled, and rolled off of him and onto my side, and he turned on his side as well, so that we were facing each other, our faces inches apart.

“Tell me,” I whispered, and he nodded.

“He said you were brave,” he said, and kissed me on the lips quickly before speaking again.

“And strong,” he kissed me again.

“And funny.” And again.

“And beautiful,” he kissed me one last time before talking again. “I had no idea that we had met before, such a long time ago…but when I saw you get out of the car…I felt something I had never felt in a long time.” He smiled again, his eyes glimmering. “And I liked that feeling. It was that feeling I got when I saw you in that art store you used to work at.”

“I felt that too, Gerard,” I said, grabbing his hand and squeezing. “I felt the same thing every time you came in and spilled coffee all over the counter.” I giggled, and kissed him on the lips quickly before he could groan in embarrassment.

“I have to ask, though…why did you go with Frank first?”

“Because I was afraid that if I went with you first, we wouldn’t last.” I frowned. “I had to try it with him first, to see if it felt right.”

“But it didn’t.”

“No, it didn’t…it’s different with you, though, Gerard. I feel completely happy when I’m with you. And if that’s what Frank, and everyone else wants…I’m going with it.”

“I’m just glad he understands.” He said, squeezing my hand in his. “As long as you’re happy, Cy, I’m happy.” He kissed my forehead lightly.

“I am happy, Gerard,” I said. “Finally, for the first time in years, I am genuinely, truly happy.” I stroked his arm with my hand. “I love you Gerard.”

“I love you, Cy.” He replied, smiling. “I always have, and always will.”

“Aw, Gee…”

He kissed me again, more tenderly than before, and after we parted mouths, I cuddled up next to him, holding his hand with mine on his stomach, resting my head on his chest, and eventually fell asleep lying next to him with a giant smile on my face.