Let Me In

Unfortunately for Tom, February came a lot sooner than he had hoped. His anxiety about Skye’s trip to Los Angeles had built tremendously over the past weeks and now as he was driving to pick up Jonson and Skye to take them to the airport he felt as if a steel fist had reached into his stomach and took ahold of his innards. No matter how many deep breaths and gulps of coffee he took, he couldn’t settle his nerves.

Like most days, the sky was cloudy and the air was cold, but for some reason the weather seemed particularly gloomy as Tom drove through the backstreets of Sheffield. He couldn’t help but feel as if the world was feeling the exact same way as he was.

Tom swallowed thickly around the knot in his throat as he pulled into the parking lot of Skye’s complex building and parked as close as he could to the entrance. Once he had turned his car off and fixed his hair a bit in the rearview mirror, he took a deep breath and hastily exited the car and headed towards the building. Someone had left the front door perched open and Tom quickly entered, taking the stairs two at a time before he found himself facing Skye’s flat door. He took the time to swallow once more, trying to clear his throat before knocking on the door.

Nearly instantly the door was swung open and Jillian stood standing in the doorway. She was beaming quite widely at him and Tom was met by the smell bacon and pancakes wafting from the flat.

“Oh, love, tis good ta see yeh,” She said warmly, enveloping him in her large chest and holding him tightly, “Skye was jus’ wonderin’ when yeh’d be around. I fink she’s nervous a bit wifout yeh.”

Jillian pulled away from Tom, but kept her hands on his shoulders. Smiling gently at him she looked him over, before nodding approvingly.

“Yeh look like yeh haven’t slept a wink,” Jillian acknowledged knowingly.

Tom sighed, looking for a moment down to his shoes. “Yeh know meh too well,” Tom chuckled hollowly.

Jillian smiled sympathetically before patting his cheek and moving aside, letting him into the warm flat. Tom toed off his shoes, but left his jacket on, ignoring the luggage by the door and followed the sound of Jonson’s voice into the kitchen with Jillian on his heels.

Turning the corner he was met by the sight of Skye sitting quite silently at the kitchen top, a full plate of pancakes sitting before her and a steaming cup of tea gone untouched. Jonson was talking to her without looking in her direction, forking an astounding amount of pancakes and bacon into his gaping mouth. He seemed to go on and on about the trip plans and only stopped when he noticed Tom had entered the kitchen.

“Oy! Good to see you, Tom,” Jonson chimed with a friendly smile and wave. Tom tried his best to return it, but at the sight of Skye’s incredibly pale face and motionless body he didn’t feel like he could fake anything.

“Skye,” He stammered, briskly moving to her side and gently touching her shoulder. He coughed a bit before starting again, “Love, yeh don’t ‘ave ta do this.”

Skye turned towards his voice and shook her head, wringing her hands together as she bit her bottom lip.

“It’s just-“ She sighed, shaking her head again and squeezing her eyes tight shut.

“God, I’ve been so insensitive,” Jonson whispered, looking directly at Skye’s torn form, “I haven’t even asked you how you’ve been handling all this. Babe, I’m so sorry, I can’t even-“

“No,” Skye spoke firmly, her head springing up and turning to Jonson she waved a hand at him, “It’s fine, you’ve done nothing wrong, honestly. This whole thing is just a lot to take in.”

The room suddenly went very quiet as none of them could think of what to say. All Tom wanted to do was hold her, but he didn’t want the audience, especially not Jonson. So swallowing one last time he spoke again.

“Skye? Can we talk in yer room, please? Jus’ us… if tha’s alright,” He said looking at Jonson and Jillian as he spoke the last part.

After receiving looks of approval from both Jonson and Jillian and with a gentle nod from Skye, he took her by the hand and led her to her bedroom. Tom carefully opened her bedroom door and helped Skye to her own bed before turning and shutting the door.

Never had he seen Skye look so uncomfortable in her own bedroom. She looked as if she had been sitting on needles as she squirmed anxiously on the comforter, scratching the inside of her wrist like gold lay beneath her skin. Letting his shoulder’s slump, he moved towards her, sitting beside her on the bed and taking her wrist away from her own claws.

“Yeh gotta stop tha’,” He murmured softly, “It’s gonna scar if yeh keep scratching yehself.”

“I don’t care,” She replied with tired defiance. A tense silence fell over them and Tom turned towards her, placing a gentle hand on the side of her face and carefully moving so her head lay on his shoulder. Tom lay his head on top of hers and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to relax them both.

They sat like that for quite some time. Luckily, Tom had planned out the morning so they had plenty of time to spare before they needed to get to the airport. He was almost worried that Skye had fallen asleep on his shoulder when she suddenly spoke.

“I don’t handle things well,” She murmured, “I stress out a lot and I’m not good at change. This is so out of my comfort zone I might as well be flying to an entirely different universe. The whole thing just seems so surreal. It was like we spent weeks and weeks planning for this and now that it’s here I just don’t know how to handle it. It seemed so far away, I don’t think I prepared myself for it. I honestly don’t think I can do this.”

Tom’s heart was beating quite strangely and he hoped it would even out soon because it was making his chest hurt. Here he was sitting next to his best friend, whose closed heart was bleeding quite freely and he couldn’t think of a single thing to do to stop the floods. There was nothing he could do to stem the flow, there were no words he could fashion that would mend the wounds. He didn’t have a solution. The helplessness that overwhelmed him was a feeling he was experiencing more and more often. He figured most people wished they had all the answers, but now he was desperate and he’d give anything to know what to say at that precise moment.

The girl on his shoulder let out a deep sigh and Tom closed his eyes tightly. He sent out a prayer to someone and opened his mouth.

“I love you, Skye.”

She shifted slightly, but Tom kept going.

“And I mean it, I love you. Like you are the one person in the world who I love more than anyfing else. I’d quite literally give up everyfing jus’ ta see yeh smile and if that means giving meh own two eyes for yeh I would. Believe me when I say this, alrigh’? I would. And seeing yeh like this…god it’s like I’ve swallowed knives and someone wrapped barbed wire around meh heart. I hate seeing yeh so emotionally compromised because yeh rarely get tha’ way. Skye, god I need ta stop talking, it’s jus’ I can’t let yeh do this if yeh aren’t completely positive tha’ yeh want ta do it. I can’t let yeh go knowing yer unsure.”

He inhaled sharply and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to get the pulsing in his forehead to go away. He told her he loved her. Finally, a tiny weight let go of his chest. Carefully peeling his eyes open, it had seemed as what he said hadn’t even phased her. That fact alone made his heart race again.

“I’m afraid to see what I’ve become,” Skye whispered. Tom’s assumptions were confirmed. She didn’t understand or maybe she understood, but refused to acknowledge his bleeding heart in order to try and save their friendship. The pain was mounting again and he tried to push it down, but it was building too rapidly.

Trying to ignore the knots in his chest Tom abruptly moved again, turning to face her and grasping her shoulders in a tight grip. Skye’s face contorted in confusion as she gripped one of his wrists tightly.

“Skye,” He spoke carefully, “Yeh shouldn’t be afraid of tha’.”

“What?” She said in bewilderment, “Tom, what’s wrong with you-“

“Jus’ listen,” He interrupted, “Let me tell yeh.”

“Yeh look like yeh did when we were in high school. Except now you can see yeh cheekbones and yeh aren’t as tan as yeh used ta get. Yer hair is much longer now, tis almost touching yeh bum and yeh should probably cut that soon. Yer wrist isn’t pink anymore, it’s red and I’m tellin yeh it will scar if yeh don’t stop scratchin’ it. I don’t fink yeh’ve gained any weight, in fact yeh lost some and Jillian’s been sneaking protein powder into yer smoothies because yer so damn skinny. Don’t tell her I said that, by the way, she didn’t want yeh ta know.

“But ta meh yeh haven’t changed at all. Yeh still silly and stubborn, yeh still smile with one dimpled cheek and chew yeh food about a million times before yeh swallow. Yeh haven’t become anything nasty or cruel. Yeh haven’t grown any warts or disfigurations. Yer still jus’ as beautiful as yeh were before yeh lost yer eyesight. Most importantly yer still my best friend and yeh always will be. No surgery can change tha’,” He finished.

Skye closed her eyes, using her hands to see her way up Tom’s arms before she met his shoulder, then his neck, until she lay her hands on his cheeks and held his face with care. She gently brushed her thumbs against his skin and the smallest of all smiles tugged at her tired lips.

“Tom,” Skye sighed, “Do you remember when we went out for the Holiday Party on West Street?”

Tom’s heart stopped. “Y-yes,” He replied hesitantly.

“Do you remember when you kissed me?” She asked in an even lower voice. Choking on his own saliva, Tom tried to catch his breath.

“Yes,” He responded again, unable to look at her in the face even though she wouldn’t be able to see his eyes anyways.

“Why’d you do that?” She inquired softly, her eyebrows knotting together. Tom wondered if he’d need a defibrillator to restart his heart.

“I- uh-“

“Be honest.”

He knew he had to face this sometime, but he didn’t prepare himself well enough for it as he looked down the barrel of the gun that was held to the head of their friendship.

“I already told yeh, Skye,” Tom whispered, “I told yeh I meant it when I said I loved yeh.”

Skye held her breath. Tom bit his lip and shook his head.

“I love yeh.”

Skye was tongue-tied. Tom didn’t expect anything less.

“I love yeh.”

Now that he had said it, he couldn’t stop himself. He could feel all the resolution he had built up crumbling down. It was like her silence was giving him a mocking sense of satisfaction. He was rubbing the gritty salt into his own wounds by saying the words over and over again with no response. He was the sadist to himself. After all the time he had spent keeping it all inside, everything just came spilling out.

Repeating the words again, Skye pulled away from him, moving backwards onto the bed and grasping her own wrist. The discomfort written across her face was enough to make Tom hate himself enough to say it again.

“Tom, stop that, please,” Skye finally pleaded.

“God, don’t yeh get it?” He lashed out at her, “I can’t! I can’t stop loving yeh!”

“I didn’t mean- Tom this-“ She let out an animal like noise of distress before gripping her hair tightly.

“I love yeh.”

“Please stop,” She whimpered desperately.

“I CAN’T FUCKING STOP, wha’ did yeh fucking expect when yeh asked me why I kissed yeh?” He bellowed at her, standing up from the bed and pacing her bedroom. At that he heard scrambling from down the hall and the door to the bedroom flew open forcefully.

“What’s going on?” Jonson demanded as he thundered into the room with Jillian hot on his heels, her face covered in worry.

“Nofing yeh fucking prick now get the fuck out and learn ta knock before yeh go barging in on someone,” Tom spat with all the malice he had kept hidden inside.

“Thomas!” Jillian gasped, pushing in front of Jonson to put space between the two whose faces were quickly turning a dangerous shade of purple. “Please stop this; she doesn’t need it right now. Not when she’s already stressed out. Just swallow it, please, I’m begging you.”

“I’m always fucking swallowing it. Always for her sake, for everyone else’s sake I’m swallowing down all the shit I put myself through, but not anymore. I’m done wif this shit. I’m done hiding it! I love her, alrigh’? And I’m not gonna let some bastard get in meh way anymore,” He said through gritted teeth, looking around Jillian and staring pointedly at Jonson.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, mate?” Jonson seethed, “You couldn’t just let her go peacefully, could you? You had to make this all about you. It’s always been about you, Tom. If poor best friend Tom doesn’t get the attention he wants he’ll sit in the corner and pout about it until someone comes over and kisses his cheek and holds his hand. Grow the fuck up, mate, not everything is about you anymore. This is about her and if you love her like you say you do, every fucking thing will be about her. Stop being so goddamn selfish and let her go!”

He paused a moment to catch his breath, his wide chest heaving, “I know the reason why you don’t want her to do this. It’s because once she isn’t blind she won’t need you. She’ll leave you like she should have done years ago. So let her do this because this is what’s best for her and it’s about damn time you started considering that.”

Taking one last glaring look at Tom, Jonson stalked over to the bed taking Skye gently by the arm and hurrying her out of the room. Tom stared after them then turned away cursing. Jillian sighed, running her hands over the front of her blouse.

“I’m sorry, Tom,” She spoke sadly. He couldn’t turn around and look at her. “I’ll drive them to the airport. You take your time.”

Unable to move, his feet rooted to the spot, Tom listened as Jillian left the room and shut the door. He heard the luggage being lifted and dragged across the floor, the bustle of getting coats and shoes on until the flat door was opened and after a moment of hasty movement was then shut again.

Suddenly it was as if someone had released the hold of Tom’s feet to the floor and he dashed to the window. He watched as Jonson led Skye to Jillian’s small car parked in the handicap spot. An emotion he couldn’t describe came over him as he saw them load their things into the trunk and file into the car.

It was like the disappointment of your parents forgetting your birthday mixed with the emptiness of moving out of your childhood home. Tom felt like he was watching the only thing that kept him glued to this earth abandoning him. At this point he would have rather taken a stomach full of knives and his heart punctured by wire because this low was one he had never fallen to before. This low was new and very unwelcome in his chest.

The brake lights of Jillian’s car illuminated and a puff of gray exhaust came shooting out the pipe in the back, before with a sudden jerk the car took off slowly into the road. Mouth dry and tears in his eyes, Tom blinked a moment. He had lost his best friend. The only woman he had ever loved.

What was he supposed to do now?