We Smile but We're Close to Tears

A set of arms wrapped around Jake’s neck, and a pair of legs wrapped around his waist. He found himself chuckling a little as the smaller man grunted trying to keep himself on his back.

“Ash, what the hell are you doing?”

Everyone in band knew that Ashley not only enjoyed pleasuring woman but he also found that he enjoyed pleasuring men. What they didn’t know was Jake had figured the same thing out, but for some reason even unknown to himself he has yet to tell the rest of his friends. But Ashley was the lucky one who had helped Jake to discover this new side of himself.

“What does it look like? I want a fucking piggy back ride!” Ashley’s legs wrapped around his friend’s body tighter in hopes that by doing so Jake wouldn’t drop him on his ass.

“Um…?” he giggled in Jake’s ear, his breath in Jake’s ear made him shutter in pleasure.

“Is there a problem?” craning his next up to look at Ashley who was looking down at him he smiled sweetly.

“N-no none at all.”

“Alright then, on words my trusty steed!” threading his hands through Jake’s hair he pretended to have harnessed him up for riding.

“You’re crazy you know that right?”

“So? You’re a horse.”

“What?”

The pair were now outside in the cool air, the difference was unfathomable from out in the night air compared to the stuffy venue they had just played.

“I said you were my trusty steed. C’mon Jake, keep up.” Ashley hopped off Jake’s back. They were now out of sight of friends and fans.

“Sorry, I’m trying. If I’m your horse then how are you my prince charming?” Jake smirked at Ashley who just shrugged.

“Honestly, you’ve got me.”

“You don’t think things through now do you Ash?” again Ashley shrugged pulling Jake into his arms.

“Not really, but you already knew that didn’t you?”

Their lips met the other’s in perfect harmony for only a moment before Jake pulled away. His hands placed on Ashley’s cheeks and he looked around their surrounding anxiously.

“Ash, you know nothing can happen between us until we get back to the hotel.” Ashley groaned but none the less held Jake closer.

“Jake, this is killing me. The only time I can hold you is when we’re alone, and the only time you’ll kiss me is when you know that no one will see! I love you but you won’t let me show you!” guilt washed over Jake as he stared down intently at his boots.

“I know Ash, I love you too but-”
“Are you ashamed of me?”

“No, Ashley I could never be ashamed of you. I-I’m just not ready to tell the guys that I’m in love with you.”

Ashley sighed, when he had come out to his bandmates they had excepted him just fine; there was no reason why that when Jake came out that they wouldn’t be the same way they had been with him. But that didn’t matter to him right now, all that mattered was that the love of his life wouldn’t admit to the people around them that they were in love.

“I know you’re not, but please Jake.”

“Ash, please don’t do this. Not tonight please.” glancing up from his boots to his lover’s eyes he felt like he was begging him to not bring the subject up. Just bringing it up would lead to another fight, if this turned into a fight it would be the fourth one today.

“But Jake you don’t understand!”

“No Ashley, you don’t understand! Yes I love you but I’m not ready and if you really love me then you’ll wait until I am ready to tell everyone.”

“Fine.”

Ash abruptly let go of Jake and began walking back towards the venue. Of course he didn’t want to act like a child but Jake had driven him to it. If he could only see how much Ash loved him and truly wanted to show others that he did then maybe he would come out. Sighing Jake watched as he boyfriend slowly approached the doors to the venue. Ash turned to look at him, it shocked Jake to see the tears building up in his eyes.

“Jake, I love you. But I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

For a second everything stood still. Had those words really just left his boyfriend’s mouth? Was he really breaking up with him? Like all couples they’ve had their ups and downs but that just wasn’t expected. Jake felt himself tear up a little.

“What do you mean Ash?” hesitantly he stepped towards Ashley who’s tears had started to run down his cheeks.

“I mean-Jake I can’t do this, I’m sorry but we’re done.”

Not sticking around, Ash knew that if he stayed he’d just end up taking everything back, he pushed his way back into the venue. Jake was and is the love of his life but this secret lovers thing that they had going was taking its toll on him. And the guys had started to get questionable about why he wasn’t acting his normal manwhore self. The tears that ran down his face were unwanted mumbling under his breath he slammed the bathroom door open.

“I wish you knew just how much I love you.”

There wasn’t a soul in the restroom so he let his tears run down his face freely. He had hope that one day him and Jake would be able to be together again but with the way he was acting now he wasn’t so sure that could ever happen. The bathroom door creaked open and Andy slipped in with a huge grin plastered to his flushed face.

“Ash, what are you-Ash are you crying?” Andy’s once peppy attitude was now gone and he looked on his best friend in concern.

“It-it’s nothing.” faking a smile he removed the rest of the hot tears from his face.

“Bullshit, it’s something. Now what happened.” there was no way he could just spill all this to Andy no matter how badly he wanted to. If he did tell their friend all prospects of him and Jake being together again were off.

“I can’t tell you Andy. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to but right now I can’t.”

“Okay, well I hope you can too and that things get better.”

“Thanks man.” turning his back on Andy he went back to removing his tears and fixing his makeup.

“Anytime. C’mon we’re leaving for the hotel.”

Ashley’s stomach clenched. Staying at a hotel would be nice, the shower and wifi were the perks but now that him and Jake were no longer together tonight’s stay would be extremely awkward. All his luck Jake would cry the whole time and then he’d give in and just take Jake back.

“Okay.” Andy still looked at his friend worried but for now he’d just have to let it go because Ashley didn’t look like he really wanted to talk about it.

Silently they walked out of the bathroom and to the back of the venue. And just as Ashley had guessed Jake was crying into Jinxx arms, of course Jinxx looked terribly confused and concerned all at once because Jake wouldn’t tell him what was wrong. Ashley felt the strings of his heart tug in a thousand different directions just seeing how badly his words had effected the love of his life.

“Ash you’re rooming with him tonight, can you help me fix him?” Jinxx shrugged sheepishly at Ashley.

“N-No Jinxx!” sobbing harder Jake held onto Jinxx’s neck tighter.

“I’ve got it.” not really wanting to move Ashley pushed himself over to Jake and wrapped his arms around his small waist.

“N-NO!” somehow Jake managed to cry harder and squirm out of Ashley’s arms.

“Fine. CC, please?” nodding silently CC stepped up to hold Jake as the five men slowly made their way to their bus.

CC sat down next to Jake and let him curl up in his lap, he wasn’t sure what did it but something came over him and he found himself pressing his lips to Jake’s forehead. It did calm him down a little but it only caused Ashley who was sitting across from them to glare at CC like he’s never glared before. It scared him slightly but maybe it was Ash just being over protective and sulky over Jake shunning him.

The bus slowed to a stop meaning that they were now at the hotel. Everyone but Ashley moved about the bus collecting their things for their stay in their temporary home. Once the other four men had filed off the bus following their manager into the lobby of the hotel Ashley finally stood up and began to collect his things just as his friends had. There was a lump growing in his throat from all the un-cried tears. It was going to take a whole lot of strength and whiskey to get him through tonight.

Stepping into the lobby Andy walked up to him with a not too happy look on his face.

“Here, this is yours. CC and Jinxx already got Jake to his room.” nodding he took the keycard from his best friend’s hand.

“Thanks.”

“Ashley, seriously, what’s wrong with you and Jake?” wringing his hands around his wrists Ashley sighed glancing down at his boots and not his friend.

“Nothing Andy. I’m just tired, and I don’t know what’s wrong with Jake.”

“Will you talk to him?”

“Sure.” looking up from his boots Ash imitated a smile in hopes to please the taller man in front of him.

“Okay. Ashley, please take care of him.”

“I will.”

Andy watched as his friend walked slowly over to the elevator and press the button to wait for it to arrive to bring him up to Jake. There was something up between Jake and Ash, and Andy had is suspicion that the two had been sneaking around but had nothing to prove it with so he’d always left it alone. But now with the way they were acting the idea that they might be together or had been together was plaguing his thoughts.

Sticking his keycard into the room number labeled on it Ashley groaned hoping that he was mentally ready to deal with Jake. Tossing his bag onto the side of the bed that Jake wasn’t on Ashley was mentally slapping himself for having told Jon, their manager, to give them the room with the single bed yesterday.

“Jake?” Ashley knelt down next to Jake.

“Fuck off.”

“That is no way to talk to me Jake.”

Jake cringed where he lay in bed, Ashley’s whiskey drenched breath washed over his face. What he didn’t want to do was fall into his ex lovers arms and listen to him whisper lies into his ears just because it would make him happy for now. No. He was done with Ashley, Ash had said it himself that he couldn’t do it anymore so why should he even try?

“Just leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want to see you’re face.” taking a deep breath Ashley rocked back on his heels.

“Jake!”

“WHAT!?” Jake bolted up glaring at Ashley.

“Jake, I-”

“You what?” Ashley’s mouth had gone dry and his palms began to sweat a little.

“It’s nothing.” standing he began to walk away from bed but Jake’s hand grabbed his forearm stopping him.

“It isn’t nothing Ash, so just tell me.”

“Do I have to?” Jake pulled Ashley so he was sitting down on the bed next to him.

“Yeah you do.”

“Fine…” staring down at the green and blue patterned carpet Ashley sighed.

“Jake I, um, I love you but I can’t handle having a relationship that I have to hide.” Jake nodded solemnly.

“I know Ash.” now Jake too started down that the patterned carpeting.

“And I don’t want to push you to come out to everyone anymore, it isn’t fair to you.”

Jake didn’t say a word, tears were running down his beautiful face again. When he sniffled it caught Ashley’s attention and he wrapped and arm around Jake’s waist. Jake just couldn’t fight not wanting to be touched any longer, he wrapped his arms around Ashley’s neck and cried into his shoulder. Rubbing circles on his back Ashley kissed the top of his head just like CC had done earlier.

“A-Ashley I l-love you” his words made Ashley’s heart soar.

“I love you too Baby, but-”

“Don’t say that we can’t be together! I love you so much and you just said that you love me too, A-Ash please can we just try again.”

“Jake,” caressing the crying man’s face he looked down at it with a bittersweet smile.

“Please Ash I love you so much!”

Grabbing a hold of Ashley’s face Jake pressed his lips to his. It only took one kiss from Jake to get Ashley into it. His tongue slipped in Jake’s mouth running his tongue over Jake’s made him moan. Pinning Jake down on the bed he moaned into the kiss as Jake pulled his hair. But Ashley had to stand his ground and not give in. Sitting up he broke the kiss.

“Jake, this happens almost everyday when we’re together. I think it’s best if we don’t go on.” Ashley’s words his Jake like a rock.

“N-no please Ashley! I need you. I-I’ll come out to everyone. Please Ashley!”

“I’m sorry Jake.”

Kissing the top of Jake’s head one last time Ashley let go of him. It killed him to have to deny Jake love like this but soon the pain that he was feeling would go away and he’d hopefully find someone that was perfect for him. And hopefully that person would be the polar opposite of Ashley, he knew that right now Jake thought he was in love with him but Ashley just wasn’t the kind of person that he needed. What he needed was someone kind, loving, sweet, and gentle. Of course Ashley had his moments where he was all that and more but it wasn’t enough to keep Jake and himself satisfied.

Falling back onto the bed Jake covered his face with a pillow. His heart was broken and the only person that could fix it was the man who was now in the shower most likely trying to hide from him. Through the tears Jake had decided that somehow, someway he was going to make Ashley his again. He didn’t care what it took, he would do anything to get Ashley back. Drying his tears he stood up and pulled off his clothes so that he was just in his boxers. Sliding back into bed the second his head hit the pillow he was out. He needed his rest because in the morning he was going to have to make Ashley see just how much he loved him.