We Smile but We're Close to Tears

Sitting up in bed Jake looked over at the still asleep Ashley, his skin looked beautiful in the early morning light peeking through the curtains of their hotel room. It took all the power in his body to not lean over and press his lips to the sleeping man’s. Sighing and propping himself up on his elbow he continued to watch Ashley in his sleep. Today was the day, the day that he was going to show Ashley how much he really loved him. Today he was going to come out.

It was only eight in the morning and the two wouldn’t be meeting up with the rest of their friends until ten, so he had some time to think. He had was some time to plan out how and when he would tell the rest of his friends that he was also gay and in love with Ashley. Slipping out of bed Jake scurried to the bathroom to wash up, he wasn’t really in the mood to shower so he’d just sink bathe and wait until they got to the next hotel later that night. Grabbing a clean washcloth from the pile near the skin he turned the faucet on and began to run it under the water.

“I can’t wait to hold him in my arms again.” Jake smiled at the memory of holding Ash just yesterday.

Waking up early in the morning had never been Ashley’s thing, he would much rather party all night then sleep all day then wake up sometime in the evening then repeat the above. But what he hated more than waking up in the morning was waking up in the morning with an angry Jake. Last night before they’d gone to bed he hadn’t said a single word to him, he’d seemed too lost in his own thoughts.

Groaning he tossed the blankets off his body and stood up. Stretching and yawning Ashley shuffled over to the bathroom, only to find that Jake already had take up occupancies in it. Cursing Jake under his breath he settled down into a the chair near the window, his heart ached, longing to be able to hold Jake and tell him he loved him. But he couldn’t think that way, what Jake and him had was over because he couldn’t deal with it anymore. So if he’d called it all off then he had to live with it.

“God, what do I do?”

Jake jumped a little when he opened the bathroom door and saw Ashley was already awake and had made coffee in the in-room coffee maker. It surprised him even more that he was fully dressed and looked ready to take on the day head on. Deep inside Jake wished he could feel that way, but with the time ticking closer and closer to when he’d tell his friend’s his deep dark secret the only thing he felt were the butterflies dancing in his stomach.

“Morning, I made coffee.” Ash smiled softly at the still shocked Jake as he strode across the room in search of his clothes.

“I can see that, thank you.” returning the soft smile Jake did his best to steady his shaking hands.

“Are you okay?” Jake’s eyes went wide at Ashley’s words.

“Oh me?”

“You are the only other person in the room aren‘t we? Now, are you okay?”

“Oh, I-I’m fine.”

“Jake, I know you too well I can tell when you’re lying.” shrugging his words off Jake went back to trying unbutton his skinny jeans so he could put them on his shaking frame.

“I know you can, and I’m not lying I’m one hundred percent okay Ash.” faking a smile Jake sat down on the bed to stick his feet through the legs of his pants.

“Whatever you say Jake.” turning his attention back towards his coffee Ash turned on the TV. He had a feeling that today was going to be a long ass day.

****

Taking a deep breath Jake tried to calm himself as him and Ashley met their bandmates in the lobby of the hotel. Andy, and CC were wide awake and playing tag while Jinxx and John were glaring at them for being such morning persons. Jinxx brightened a little seeing Jake and Ashley approach, the main reason he’d perked up was because Jake no longer looked so broken, now he just looked scared and determined.

“Good morning!” Andy and CC giggled greetings to the newly arrived.

“Morning to you as well.” Ashley mumbled a hello and found himself glaring at Andy and CC just like Jinxx and John had been.

“Morning.” Jake was doing his best to stop his shaking and try to act awake like the rest of his friends were.

“Are you okay?” Jinxx looked over at his shaking friend with worry, he had asked Ashley to help him not make him worse and if he found out that the cause of his shaking was Ashley’s fault Jinxx was going to open a can of whoop ass on Ash.

“I’m fine.” faking a smile Jake nodded looking Jinxx right in the eye.

“Really? You don’t look it.” Jake shrugged watching everyone but Jinxx filter out of the lobby and outside towards the bus.

“I’m just thinking. I, um, I have some big news to tell all of you today and I don’t know how to say it.” Jinxx patted his friends back reassuringly.

“You know Jake no matter what you tell us we’re going accept you.”

“I know.”

“What’s the news? I’ve heard telling one person first makes it easier because when you go to tell the group you have one person who has your back in the matter.” taking his friends words into consideration Jake sighed, he was probably right, he always was right.

“Okay, um do you promise to not get mad?”

“Jake I could never get mad at you.” the stood in the atrium of the hotel watching the four men pack up the bus.

“Okay.” taking a deep breath Jake wrung his wrists in worry. “Jinxx, I-I’m gay.”

The small room had gone silent, Jake felt tears well up in his eyes. He had been right now that one person knew he’d be kicked out. Swallowing hard Jake hung his head in shame.

“Jake.” it surprised Jake when Jinxx wrapped his arms around him in a hug.

“You-you’re not mad at me?”

“Like I said before, I could never be mad at you Jake.”

“Thank you Jinxx.” hugging his friend tighter Jake managed to keep himself from crying.

“You’re welcome Jake. How are you going to tell the rest of the guys.” letting go of Jinxx Jake shrugged pushing the doors open.

“I don’t know yet. I’m probably going to do it when we’re on the bus.” Jinxx fallowed Jake out of the room and over towards their friends.

“Well however you do it I’m going to be standing beside you in support.” in the early morning sun Jake had to hold his hand up to block the sun out of his eyes so he could smile at his friend.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome Jake.”

The rest of the guys has successfully packed the bus back up and were now just waiting for the two to join them so the journey to the next town and venue could begin. Keeping his head down Jake watched as the others went about their normal on bus routine. Andy stretched out on the couch and lazily watched CC playing video games, Jinxx sat across from Andy and was texting Sammi, and as for Ashley he had a sad expression painted on his face while he restrung his bass.

Everything was normal except for the growing feeling of impending doom down in Jake‘s stomach. He had to do it soon, everyone was here in the same room the moment was practically begging for him to do it. CC screamed profanities at the TV screen after having lost the game. Everyone in the bus chuckled for a second and then went quite again. Jake sighed, he was going to do it.

His already shaky hands shook harder as he ran his hand through his hair and cleared his throat all at once. The whole bus looked over at him, Jake found himself shaking as he looked at the faces of his friends.

“Um, guys, I need to tell you something.” Jake and Jinxx made eye contact, Jinxx smiled encouragingly.

“What’s up Jake?” sitting up Andy smiled at his shaking friend.

“I, um, I just want you guys to understand I’m still the same person that I was before and um, yeah.”

“Jake what are you trying to say?” CC looked at him worried.

“You’re not leaving right?” a scared look crossed Andy’s face.

“No, no, no! I’m not leaving you guys.” a sigh of relief washed over the bus, even Ashley in the background did so.

“Okay good. So what’s up then?” CC, now satisfied that he wasn’t going to loose his best friend smiled back at Jake.

“Um, well guys I-I’m gay.” the room went silent. Ashley’s eyes almost popped out of his head. Had Jake really just done that?

“Aww Jake!” standing to his full height Andy ran over to Jake and hugged him tightly. “I’m so proud of you!”

Awkwardly Jake giggled blushing like mad. He hugged Andy back tightly. Maybe now, Jake hoped, Ashley would realize just how much he loves his and would consider taking him back. Now if they did get back together they wouldn’t have to hide it. Everyone but Ashley stood and congratulated him even Jon who was upfront driving yelled a congratulation to him.

Standing Ashley walked over to Jake. The two looked at each other awkwardly.

“Jake I-” Ashley was shocked when Jake grabbed his face roughly and pressed their lips together.

The silence from before fell on the room. Had Jake really just done that to him? First he comes out to them and then he kisses him even though he halfheartedly called everything off last night. Shoving him off he glared at him which only lead Jake to tear up.

“Ashley, please.”

“No, Jake I-”

“But Ash, please I need you.”

“Jake you deserve better than me!”

The other three men who had seen their kiss sat back down and let the scene before them play out. They all knew their was no sense trying to get into it, it was their fight. Somewhere deep in Andy he was smiling for having already known that the pair had been together.

Jake was now in tears and almost in hysterics. It was taking everything Ashley had to not wrap his arms around Jake’s waist and pull him into his chest telling him everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t he had to stand his ground and quite possibly yell at his love for his actions.

“No Ashley, I fucking love you not anyone else. There is no one that is better for me than you.”

“Jake you don’t-” cutting his off Jake poked Ashley’s chest.

“Yes I do understand, you’re just scared shitless to fall in love.” Ashley sucked on his cheek, he knew that Jake was right he was just afraid to love.

“No Jake I’m-”

“I know you sill love me just as much as I still love you.” not bothering to remove his tears he stared Ashley down.

“Of course I love you Jake but-”

“Why the but? If you love me then why won’t you take me back?”

“I never said I wasn’t going to.” doing as Jake had before he roughly grabbed a hold of his face and brought their lips together.

Ashley wrapped his arms around Jake’s waist. Turning the kiss more passionate Jake wrapped his arms around Ashley’s neck. They were together again and now they didn’t have to hide it, letting his tongue slip into Jake’s mouth Ash held him tighter, it felt amazing to be able to hold his love in front of their friends. Breaking the kiss Jake smiled at him and chewed on his lip. Their friends were all watching in awe at what had just happened.

Loosening their grip on one another they turned to look at their audience. Andy was all smiles trying to hold back his excitement. It wasn’t often that Andy got to be right so he was savoring the awkward silence that had fallen around the group.

“I so fucking called it.” grinning from ear to ear Andy stood up and hugged the couple tightly.

“How did you know?” Jake and Ashley looked at the other shocked hoping that they hadn’t made their secret relationship too obvious.

“I don’t know, I just knew.” chuckling he let go of the men.

“Well I don’t care if you could tell, I’m just happy to have my Baby back again.” turning Jake back towards him he kissed the lips he’d missed so dearly.

“I’m happy too Ash.” kissing Ashley back he brushed the tears from his face.

“I love you Jake.”

“I love you too Ash.”