Mirror, Mirror on my Wall

Ana’s a bit quiet today; maybe it’s because I lost more than ten pounds this week. Last week I only lost three. My fingers are starting to overlap my wrists and my ribs are poking out my skin a little. I can barely see my collarbones, but I have to do better. I have to be perfect. I have to be perfect for Ana.

I think I want to start modeling. Today, when I was jogging by the park I saw a professional photo shoot and I think the theme was playful. One of the model agents noticed me and came by and passed me a card. She said, “I think you have what it takes. Call me sometime.” She walked off and I looked down at the card and stuffed it into my pocket though. Before I could even think Ana’s voice spoke, “Why would anyone want you? You’re too fat and insecure to be a model.” She paused before continuing, “They’ll use you and drop you after they see you.” She laughed demonicly before going away.
But this time…I’m going to prove her wrong. I can be perfect.



I picked up the dulled blue wall phone off the kitchen wall and looked down at the agent’s card in my hand. I typed the number in and waited for the phone dial.

Just as I was about to give up and hang up the phone, a voice said, “Chloe Daniels Model Agency; how may I help you?” I waited a couple moments before responding.

“I was given a card yesterday at the park while jogging and an agent told me to call.”

The peppy voice responded back eagerly, “Oh yes, I was told about you. Can you please hold?” I nodded slightly even though she couldn’t see me, but before I could say a word I was already hearing the elevator music ringing through my ears.

After about 3-4 minutes I was connected to a server. “Hello?” I spoke nervously. “Chloe Daniels here. So let’s get to the point here; have you given my question thought?”

I thought a few moments before finally answering, “Yeah.” I spoke again briefly, “When can I start?” I smiled over the phone, confident in my decision.

bShe wouldn’t want you.

“Give me your address and I’ll have my assistant send the information over.”

You’re too ugly. You’re a disappoint. Why would you think someone would want you? Your nothing but a nobody everyone passes in the hallway. You’ll never make it big.

I gave her all my information and she told me to come by her office in a hour. We spoke a few more words, and said a quick bye and I hung up the phone. I walked toward my room.

You hear that? That’s the sound of your heavy weight stepping onto the floor. You’ll never last that long in the business. You’re too fat and no one cares for the fat girl. You will never be accepted into their society.

I walked into my room door way and took a sharp left into the mirror at the side of my room. The mirror was about 6 feet and it sat at the side of my room. Around the mirror, on all four corners, I had thinspo quotes and skinny, beautiful girls, Something I’d always wanted to be, but I can never get to the right size or weight. I stared and pulled at the unwanted skin fat on my sides, legs, and arms. I looked disgusting. So fat and disgusting…I wonder what others think of me. I stared at myself and looked for and unwanted fat, but the problem is…it was everywhere.

No one would ever love me. Not John, not my family…no one. No one would ever love the fat girl. I should really just jump off a bridge. No one wants or need me. I still wonder why I’ve let myself go. I stepped on the weight scale by the side of the mirror. It took a few moments but the numbers haunted me. 102…the numbers are now haunting my head. I should start the ABC diet tomorrow. I can shed about another 30-45 easy pounds in the next month or two hopefully, depending on my willpower, but I can do it.