Lie to the Truth

For the first time in months, the younger boys eyes laid on the warm honey eyes, the long slender fingers, and the child like face of the love he’s been missing. 

It’s been months and the soft velvet words escaping from the boy’s lips left a ringing in the younger boys ears that was almost too much to bare. 

Its been months and the desperation has only increased, leaving him at the brink of insanity.

But now, he thinks, these honey eyes just might have saved him. Just maybe. But just because being caught in the moment can warp your sense of judgment. 

Before the younger boys mind could form a response to the awkward irrelevant conversation starter formed by the older boy, he was crossing the room and wrapping his arms around the taller, thinner, stubborn guitarist. 

Ryan. The Ryan. His Ryan. Or what should be his Ryan. What he wished was his Ryan. 

The younger boy wrapped his arms around Ryan’s waist and buried his face in his neck, taking in the warm sweet scent that he’s been craving to remember. 

Ryan, surprised by his former band mate’s actions, took a moment to respond, but was soon wrapping his arms around the boy, and holding him in the same desperate manner. 

The two boys were in love with eachother, and no matter how many times they resisted each other, or how happy they convinced themselves they were, the day would always end in tears over the loss of the other’s presence. 

Ryan has tried to move on. Meaningless fucks with different men and women every other night that proved him to be nothing more then a whore. He only did it because he didn’t know how to actually channel his emotions, leaving him and emotional wreck. 

And Brendon, when the fight for Ryan’s love didn’t work, had turned to drugs and confiding in his new best friend, because his old one left. 

Both boys were a mess, and tearing each other and themselves apart. 

The wall both boys built up over the years of resistance and denial was all about to come crumbling down. 

Brendon was the first to pull away from the embrace, just enough to look into the other’s eyes. 

Neither one of them spoke a word. 

No one said anything. 

It was silent as Brendon gently leaned forward, closed his eyes, and connected their lips with fear of rejection screaming at him in the back of his mind. 

But Ryan didn’t object or resist. He let all of his built up emotions and feelings flood into the kiss that Brendon had already melted into. 

They stood still, holding each other, not moving except for their lips. 

The wall had crumbled to pieces because of one action. One glance. One Embrace. One kiss. 

Suddenly Brendon pulled away, and when the older boy opened his eyes, he saw the younger boy standing there with his eyes still closed, holding his lower lip between his teeth, and tears pouring down his face. Brendon didn’t move or say a word. 

Brendon’s eyes fluttered open; glassy from the tears. Ryan couldn’t stand the sight of Brendon crying, but didn’t let any tears fall himself. 

Ryan didn’t know what to say. What could he say? To ask why he was crying would be a stupid question, and Ryan had no idea how he could possibly console him. 

Ryan sat the boy down on the couch and wrapped him in another more more friendly, innocent embrace, in attempt to sooth him.

Silence filled the air, and ryan thought it necessary to say something. Anything. 

“Why are you crying?” he asked reluctantly, afraid to actually hear the answer out loud, even though he knew it himself. 

Brendon pulled away from him, sniffed, and glanced up at Ryan through his wet lashes. 

“You know why.” Brendon mumbled almost incoherently. 

“Bren-“ 

“Because,” Brendon cut the older boy off. “Because, I think, no, I know that I love you. And I hate it.” He finished, wiping away half of his tears. 

Again, Ryan didn’t know how to respond. 

“Y-You hate it?” he finally spit out in question. 

Brnedon sniffed again and nodded. 

“It only makes things worse.” He mumbled quietly. 

There was a long pause then, “No.” Ryan finally mumbled. Brendon gave him a questioning look. 

“No it doesn’t.” Ryan repeated himself. “What makes it worse…” he trailed off, voice cracking, but still no tears. “What makes it worse is that … is that I…” he stopped again. 

“Just spit it out.” Brendon almost growled. 

“I love you so fucking much that its killing me. And what makes it worse is that we’ll always be this way. Lost, troubled, confused, and in love. But I don’t want it to be that way.”  Ryan mumbled the last part quietly. 

“What makes it worse is that after tonight, nothing will have changed. We’ll go back to being miserable and pretending that its happy… and ...” he paused. “There was no point in me coming here. I should leave.” Brendon said has he lifted himself from the couch. 

“Brendon, wait.” Ryan said, as he desperately grabbed  Brendon’s arm before he walked out the door and out of his life forever. “Please don’t go.” he pleaded.

“Why not? So that we can pretend for two more seconds that everything isn’t falling apart at the seams? Ever since you and Jon left, things have just gone down hill. Everything. Sure, the album is doing great, but everything else is helpless.” Brendon said, yanking his arm back, but not going anywhere. 

“If you think all that then why did you even come here?” Ryan asked, his voice empty of all emotions. 

“I-“ he paused. “I don’t even know.” He growled. “It was a mistake.”

“Brendon began to head for the door again, when Ryan gave one last pathetic attempt to stop him. 

“Brendon, wait!” he said. Brendon didn’t listen. Ryan jumped up and grabbed his arm in response. 

Suddenly Brendon whipped around looking livid. 

“Why should I?!” he snapped. “Are you actually going to change? Huh? Are you going to stop fucking Alex MotherFucking Greenwald and pretending you’re straight? Are you going to act like an actual human being for once?!” Brendon was shouting now and flailing his arms around. 

Ryan was scared. 

Not because he thought Brendon would actually hurt him, but because everything he was saying was true. 

“You don’t understand.” Ryan mumbled. “I-I just didn’t think it was worth it.” He mumbled quieter. 

“Oh so I wasn’t worth it?” Brendon repeated bitterly. 

“That’s not what I meant-“

“Then what did you mean?” Brendon cut him off. 

“I didn’t think the fight was worth it because I didn’t think you actually loved me-“

“Did you fucking listen to the album?” Brendon cut him off again. 

“Will you let me fucking talk?” Ryan spit back. Brendon shut his mouth. “I’ve changed a lot since we first started the band. I figured that the me you’re in love with isn’t the me I am now. So being together wouldn’t be worth it because you’d be disappointed. You wouldn’t love me anymore.” Ryan finished. His voice cracking again. 

Brendon just stared at him with an unreadable expression. Ryan searched his face for answers but found nothing. 

“Excuses.” Brendon muttered. “Fucking excuses. You’re just afraid of what people will think of you. You’re afraid of what will happen to your career. That’s all you care about! That’s all you’ve ever fucking cared about! You’re such a fucking liar! I bet you even lied about loving me for your own sick amusement.” He was shouting again. 

Now it was Ryan’s turn to get angry. He grabbed Brendon by the collar and shoved him against the wall. Rough, but not hard enough to hurt him. 

“I’m not fucking lying about any of this Brendon.” Ryan growled through his teeth. He then grabbed his face and kissed him. Roughly at fist, but it gradually grew softer and more passionate as his true feelings seeped through. 

Brendon felt something wet hit his cheek and noticed Ryan was crying. He was surprised. He hadn’t seen Ryan cry since the day his dad died. 

Ryan pulled away from the kiss and his hands fell to his waist, while his head fell to Brendon’s shoulder. He was still crying. 

“Brendon.” He almost sobbed. “You don’t understand how much I love you. I love you and you’re never there. I need you and you’re not there. I want you so bad and you’re not there. I don’t know what to do so I take my anger out by fucking Alex Motherfucking Greenwald; by getting wasted and fucking anything within ten feet. I love you so much. So fucking much."

Brendons anger melted into tears as he held Ryan closer. 

“I love you Brendon.” He cried. “I’ll change, I promise. I’ll change for you.”

“I don’t believe you.” Brendon whispered. He didn’t really mean for it to come out, but it did. 

Ryan tightened his embrace but didn’t respond. 

“The minute I leave, the minute I walk out that door, things are going to go back to the way they were. Nothing will change. You won't change." Brendon said, placing his hands on Ryan's shoulders as if to push him away, but not finding the strength. 

"Then don't leave me."