The Sadness Will Never End.

"There you are! Tom had me thinkin yeh bloody left!" Matty said relief filling his voice as Lizzy and I came into view.

"I just stepped outside to smoke fucking chill." I mumbled and he rolled his eyes, "well come on the show is in an houa."

I nodded and looked at Lizzy, "Fanks again."

"Anytime." She said with a grin and I couldn't help but give one back before walking off. Strange I know.

"Did yeh juss...grin?" Matty asked an odd look crossing his face.

"Can I not?"

"I mean...nevamind." He said and I rolled my eyes. You'd think I was the most unhappy or angry person alive the way he sounds! I mean...I'm sure there is someone more unhappy than I am. Right?...

"Anyone seen my cousin?" Jona asked messing with his guitar.

"Yeah Oli just shagged her." Matty stated causing Jona to drop his pick from his hand.

"He's bloody jokin! She's by the dressing room." I said in defense.

"I was about to kill yeh."

I shrugged. Wish someone would if we're being honest here...

Besides the alcohol there was only one other thing that made me feel whole again and that was when I was screaming my heart out on stage. It was a complete different high though. It was the good kind. The kind life only offers some people once ever so often. But me? I get it almost every night. That was one thing I was grateful for because I knew I didn't deserve it.

After I said goodnight to the crowd I walked off the stage pulling my sweaty v-neck off quickly and brushing my hair back. A shower was needed but my adrenaline was on high and I felt amazing. I knew this feeling wouldn't last for long and I'd hate to waste it. I wiped my face off with a towel as the other boys come off the stage.

"So?" Jona asked and I shot my eyes to him and I wondered how I didn't notice Lizzy standing so close to me. Another side effect of my stage high.

"Yeahhh not so bad. Although you messed up on the last song." She said and I grinned as Jona glared at her.

"Do yeh play Guitar?" I asked interrupting and even Jona seemed a bit surprised.

"Who do you think taught him?"

"Yeh did not we learned at the same time is all!"

"I was always better, still am."

"Are yeh serious?! I'm bloody in two bands!"

"So?" she said placing her hand on her hip and I watched Jona grow frustrated at not having a comeback.

"I believe she wins." I said for him and he groaned, "Whateva!"

She giggled and looked over at me causing a grin to hit my lips. Something about that girl I just didn't know what yet.

Once we all showered and changed into fresh clothes we decided Lizzy could pick where we ate since she lives here after all. Although I didn't feel like eating I found myself curious as to what she could possibly say next. She was intriguing that was for sure. I stayed behind everyone my hood over my head and my hands buried in my pocket. I wasn't in the mood to socialize. I never was anymore really.

"I'm sorry." I heard and looked up to see Tom I shrugged, "It's whateva."

"We're juss all worried Oli I mean can yeh blame us? Yeh've been drinking a lot and actin an idiot. It isn't yeh!"

"Maybe yeh don't know meh." I mumbled.

He sighed, "Right. No one does huh? Feelin sorrah for yehself now? Cause I'm bloody not. Yeh need to drop it Oli. So what? She cheated on yeh. It was months ago!"

I glared at him, "Get out of my face now."

"Time to grow up and move on." He continued and I clinched my fist.

"What do yeh know Tom?! Get the fuck outta my face!" I said growing angry at each word he spoke.

"I hope yeh dig yehself inta such a deep hole yeh can't get out because apparently that's what it's gonna take."

"Yeah?! So do I! If I'm lucky it'll be in tha bloody ground so I don't have ta hear yeh all lecture meh anymore!" I said now yelling. I can't control my temper if it wasn't obvious. Everyone had stopped and was watching me and Tom yell at each other in the middle of the road.

"Fuck off." I growled, "actually no. I will. I fuckin' hate all of yeh." I said throwing my hands up
in defeat as I turned around and walked away. I did hate them. I hated how they criticized me, how they constantly picked out every thing I did wrong. What about what I did right? What about, 'Hey, Oli nice show tonight.' Or 'Oli, thanks for cleaning the bus up.' No. It's like I lived with a bunch of tabloids who constantly put up negative things on their pages about me and I'm fucking sick of it! Worry about yourself for once is what I wanted to scream until I was blue in the face. I just wanted to be alone. How hard was that to understand? I reached the bus quicker than I imagined and slung the door open angrily. I needed alcohol. I quickly went to the cabinet until I found a stash of vodka on the bottom shelf. Success. I twisted off the cap and took a big gulp as if it was water. I sighed as the burning hit my chest. It always was better than aching I had realized.

I heard the door open and closed my eyes. If it was Tom someone would need to help him get to the hospital later. I looked over to see the person interrupting my drinking and was surprised to see Lizzy of all people. My eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"I'm alone, I swear." She said sitting on the couch as if none of that happened outside.

I watched her from my position against the counter. I didn't even move too scared I might crack under her perfect smile.

"You going to stand there?"

"Did they send yeh to question meh? To see if I'm ok?" I asked cautiously.

"Nope. I wasn't going to ask anything."

I gave her a look before walking over slowly and sitting on the arm of the couch on the other end of where she was.

"Then why are yeh here?" I asked twisting the cap back on the bottle slowly.

She shrugged, "sometimes it's just nice to vent without questioning huh?"

"Yeh expectin that from meh?" I asked with a grin.

"I don't know what to expect from you. I don't know you. But that's the beauty in it huh?" She asked with a calming smile.

I stared at her in thought for several moments trying to find the words to say to her but coming up short. She was something else I tell you. A new type of girl I've never experienced.

"I just wish people would stop askin meh if I'm ok or this and that or oh Oli is drinkin he hates his life or oh his girlfriend cheated on him now he's a mental case!" I said beginning my rant.

"The only people who wouldn't ask those questions is people who don't care about you."

I shrugged and looked down at my hand as I mindlessly played with a hole in the knee of my jeans.

"It juss gets so annoyin! If I knew what was goin on wif meh I'd tell yeh but I don't so drop it."

"They just worry about you."

"I juss wish they wouldn't. I'm old enough to take care of myself."

"They know that but it doesn't change the facts." She said with a grin and I shrugged a bit irritated that she made my anger disappear. Damn this girl.

"Do you like making music?" she asked and I looked at her, "what? Yes. Its my dream. My life reallah."

"It's theirs too." She said and her words seem to hit me harder than I'm sure she meant.

She grinned and stood up quickly, "It was really nice to meet you Oli. I'm sure I'll see you one day again."

I watched her wave before walking off the bus. Her words hung in the air like my jumbled thoughts. I couldn't help for them to be played over in my head as I paced the little floor I had. She was right though. They want this just as bad and I'm throwing it away. I didn't even realize I was that selfish until now. Not only was I dragging myself down but they were going with me without choice. I had to try and pull it together before I ruined everything. I stood up slowly and walked to the sink staring at the vodka as I poured it down the drain. This was right. This was what was needed. I breathed deeply as the alcohol burned my nose. Once it was gone I placed the bottle on the counter and went to my bunk. I needed to write. It had been a while and although my heart still ached I knew once I got my words straight I'd feel better. I don't know how long I was in there or how many pages I covered but I didn't even hear the guys come back until Matty pulled my curtain back.

"What are yeh doin?"

"Writin." I said showing him the notebook not bothering to look up from my thoughts.

"Oh..." he said a bit surprise to his voice like he figured I was already intoxicated.

"Well, um...ok." He said and I nodded as he dropped the curtain to leave me be. Although I still didn't sleep good, it wasn't as horrible as before and my thoughts weren't so corrupted. Maybe the songs did help or maybe I just had too much hope right now.

The next morning I got out of bed at nine and the only person up was Jona which was pretty surprising.

"Yeh up..." he said a bit startled and I nodded as I sat at the table. He kept looking up from the magazine he was flipping through and I sighed, "I'm sorrah. Honestly. I juss...I can't explain it but I know I shouldn't take it out on yeh lads."

He shrugged, "Look we get it. Yeh were hurt but yeh have to be focused Oli. It's been a month."

"I know and I'm sorrah. I'm goin ta reallah try and work on it. Well startin today...also... can I have yeh cousins numba? No I'm not tryin ta get in her pants I juss want to fank her." I said so quickly and a bit nervous at what he might say or think.

"For what?" he asked a bit confused.

"Juss...somefin she said last night..." I said rubbing the back of my neck nervously.

"Mhm...ok..." he said cautiously as he slid me his phone. I sighed in relief as I searched for her number and quickly place it into my contacts. I slid his phone back and stood up, "fanks." I said with a grin and he chuckled, "yeah. Yeh fancy her that's fine now but if yeh try anyfing I'll kill yeh she's like my baby sista."

I chuckled and waved him off as I walked by. I didn't like her. Just wanted to thank her. That's it. Really...