The Sadness Will Never End.

I couldn't help but to like Matty. I don't know if it was his cheesy grin or how sweet he was, but something about him I liked. Not that I wanted to date anyone right now by all means but it was nice having him around. Of course then there was Oli. Who clearly was a complete, gorgeous disaster. His brown eyes hit you as if they could read into your soul and his gentle smile didn't fit his exterior. He made me nervous simply for the fact when we talked I knew I'd end up telling him things Jona didn't even know. Like about my boyfriend earlier. I don't know what it was but he just had this calming gentle side to him that made you want to spill your guts. Which was odd because at first glance you think he would be rude and unruly. And maybe some parts of him were but for the most part I could tell he was quite the opposite whether he wanted to hide it or not. I remember the first day I talked to him. Seeing him almost in panic attack mode. He looked like I imagined he was at a younger age; Vulnerable and timid. A big part of me wanted to help him that day and even now I found myself wanting to make sure he pulled through whatever he was going through. I think the truth of the matter is he was fighting with more than he let on. The way he would get so defensive at times proved that. Maybe he was just more insecure than anyone of his status should be. Then again, what did I know? but i managed to quickly picked up on his bad habits though and not just his smoking. Like right now as he set across from me he was tugging on his hair signaling he was fighting with his thoughts like usual and when he was uncomfortable he would place his hands in his pockets. I reached across the table and grabbed his wrist pulling his hand from his hair. He looked at me a bit taken off guard by my action.

"You're going to go bald if you keep doing that."

"Habit." He mumbled softly.

"I've noticed."

He pulled his hand gently from mine and placed it back on his hair pushing it down flat. I was surprised by his hands though. How soft they were and how gentle he was with them. It really astonished me because I mean, he was a boy in a band. I stared at his tattooed covered hand and he must have noticed because he started biting his lip before he looked up at me, "What?"

"Let me see your hand."

"Gonna read my palm?" he asked teasingly with that crooked grin he offered occasionally. I chuckled as he placed his hand in mine.

"No. I was reading your tattoo."

He slid his other hand to me and I put two and two together.

"Drop dead? Wow. That's such a sweet thing to put on yourself."

He began laughing so hard I could feel the vibration in his hand.

"It's my clothing line. Did yeh not know that reallah?"

"No. I really didn't."

He chuckled as my finger traced his tattoo.

"Well, I'll get yeh somefin to wear then." He said with a grin.

"That'd be cool. So do all of these have meaning?"

"Course."

I nodded and looked down at his tattoo his other hand resting beside mine nervously tapping the table.

"Maybeh one day I'll tell yeh." He said and I looked up at him seeing his calm grin on his face. He gave my hand a light squeeze before placing them back comfortably in front of him.

"What do you think about?" I asked cocking my head to the side and he laughed, "what do yeh fink bout?"

"I mean if you ever see me in thought ask I'll tell you."

He chuckled, "was I in thought?"

"Well you were when you were pulling at your hair."

He's eyebrows narrowed together as he studied me, "How do yeh know?"

I shrugged, "I can read people well and you do that when you're thinking."

He sucked in his bottom lip and I grinned, "And you do that when your nervous."

"Stop it." He mumbled.

I gave him a grin before picking up my phone to text Jona because he hadn't been over here in a while.

"I fink of a lot of fings." He said softly and I looked up from my phone.

"You think too much is what I assume."

He sighed and rubbed his neck, "maybeh. Course I'm not gonna tell yeh what bout."

I gave him a grin, "I wasn't expecting you to."

"Then why did yeh ask?"

"Just putting it out there that you could talk to me."

He gave me a grin before running his hand through his hair. I watched him as he looked around the bar surveying for the guys I assume before he looked back at me.

"Wanna step outside?" he asked hesitantly as he rubbed his arm nervously.

I nodded slowly and he quickly stood up and I followed him out into the chilly air. He sighed as he leaned against the brick building and slid down sitting against it as he pulled out a cigarette. I said nothing just quickly took a seat beside him staring out into the empty street as I crossed my arms to stay warm. I didn't expect him to spill his guts to me so soon though.

"I feel selfish for not bein happah yeh know? I have everything I've eva wanted and more. A band, clothing line, friends and I truly am utterly grateful for what I have. Which is why I don't undastand how I can feel this way all the time. It's miserable. All I want is ta be happah again...it's been so long. I can't rememba tha last time..." he whispered as he smoked and stared into the distance.

"Like it shouldn't be like this. People would kill ta be meh and here I am, the world at my finga tips and I'd kill ta be that normal guy who's laughing wif his drunken mates happily. And maybe its what they say yeh know? Can't have money and happiness." He said with a sigh as he leaned his head against the wall shutting his eyes in the process.

After a few moments of silence passed he looked over at me, "not gonna give meh yeh opinion?"

"Not really my place to tell you what to do. No matter what I tell you only you can make you happy."

"But I want yeh opinion. In fact I truly value it. I mean, look at the mess yeh got me out of at the beginning and yeh barely knew meh." He said facing me and I gave him a weak grin,

"that was different. You were a alcoholic mess this is personal."

"Like my own personal war." He said softly as his head touched the wall again his eyes still locked with mine.

I smiled, "only if you make it that way Oliver. I have faith in you and I think you can pull through this. I mean, everyone has bad days but if it wasn't for the bad days would you appreciate the good?" I asked and he drew from his cigarette once more and turned to blow the smoke out away from me. He threw it to the road and sighed before looking back at me.

"Do yeh always have tha right fings ta say?" he asked with a grin. I shrugged, "I have a way with words I assume."

He chuckled and pulled his knees to his chest as we watched a few cars drive by.

"Yeh eva been depressed?" he asked and I shook my head no, "no. I'm too optimistic really."

He grinned, "wish I was." He said I think to nervous to tell me this to my face.

"Are you depressed?"

"I don't know reallah. I mean I don't know what its like ta be depressed so..."

"Maybe we should google it."

He laughed, "maybe we should google it. Wow..."

I chuckled, "hey...you never know."

He chuckled softly before relaxing his chin on his knees and I wondered how he was before all of this. If he always wore that cheesy grin and said those witty lines and laughed at such simple things...

"I think I am. I just feel so empty and useless and I can't sleep or eat. I don't know what's wrong wif meh." He said closing his eyes and I couldn't help but run my hand up and down his back as some sort of comfort. I never imagined Oliver this vulnerable and it slightly scared me. Maybe he was depressed. I didn't want to voice my opinion though and make it worse.

"And I'm juss...scared..." he whispered, "I've always known who I am."

I sighed and sat on my knees wrapping my arms around him.

"It'll be fine." I whispered running my hand over his hair.

"Like, I'm goin mental. I've been finkin bout fings I shouldn't be." He mumbled.

"Like what?"

"Juss fings no one should fink bout." He said and I tried to stay calm. Like what? I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to find the right words.

"I like my life ya know? I mean I should at least. But there are times when I'm alone at night and its quiet and I start finkin bout everyfing and I juss...I juss wish I wasn't here anymore."

"Oliver. Don't ever even think that." I said seriously as I felt my eyes water. I mean typically I was a strong person but hearing him say that as if it didn't matter killed me.

"It's the truth." He mumbled into his knees. I sighed and moved my arms from him causing him to look up at me.

"I'm sorrah. I shouldn't be tellin yeh all this." He said and I felt him closing himself off again.

I shrugged, "No. It's ok. Everyone needs to vent." I said so calmly even I was a bit taken aback.

"I juss feel comfortable talkin to yeh. I know that's probably stupid cause I barely know yeh but I juss feel like yeh don't judge meh...it's silly I know..." he said biting his lip causing his hair to fall into his eyes.

"Funny...I feel that way about you." I whispered reaching out and brushing his hair from his face. It was so odd seeing him in this light but if anything it made me more aware of him as a person and I found myself now feeling the need to protect him from those idiots constant nagging at him for being so screwed up.

"You should stay with me tonight. I liked sleeping with you. Did you sleep any?" I asked softly. The truth of the matter is I didn't want to leave him alone. I'd constantly worry if he was hurting himself or the thought of him even thinking about it pained me.

He nodded in response, "actullah I did."

I stood up and brushed my pants off before holding my hand out to him. He chuckled and stood up without my help.

"Girl I'd pull yeh ta tha ground before yeh pulled meh up."

"You act like your big or something."

He chuckled and combed through his hair, "I'm ready to go."

"Me too."

"Lets tell them were headin back and go." He said holding the door open for me.

"Gonna tell them your leaving to cuddle with me?" I asked teasingly and he laughed, "can we not? I'd like to keep the little dignity I have."

I giggled as we walked over to the others.

"Hey the sober people are leaving. Can you all handle it?"

Matt laughed, "I've only have two drinks I'll take it from here."

"Be careful." Jona said trying to be serious and I patted his cheek, "no you be careful."

He stifled a laugh, "I can take care of myself."

"Right. Well, good night all. I feel bad for leaving you." I said pouting at Matt and he laughed,

"it's fine. Seriously. I do it all the time."

"Ok well if you need me or Jona goes to jail just call."

He laughed and kissed my forehead, "everyfing will beh fine. Go get some sleep. Don't worry."

I gave him a grin, "ok fine I won't."

Oliver and I walked back to the hotel in silence. I don't know if it was because we were tired or because we've said everything already but either way he didn't speak until we reached our floor.

"Mine or yehs?" he asked softly shoving his hands in his pockets.

"I don't care Oli." I said with a chuckle.

"Well since yours is right here I guess that'll be it." He said coming to a stop at my door.

"I love your logic." I said jokingly as I opened the door.

He shrugged before falling onto the bed and I went to my suitcase.

"Hey. Will it botha yeh if I sleep in my boxas? I'll keep my shirt on and everything these pants are juss too tight."

I chuckled, "I don't care Oli. Sleep how you want."

"So naked is fine?"

"Some how I saw that coming." I said and he laughed as I went to the bathroom and changed. When I came back out I noticed Oli's pants and shirt folded in the chair and he was already in my bed. I crawled in beside him and turned off the lamp before trying to get comfortable. Once I was settled Oliver's arm went around me gently.

"Should I go see a docta?" he asked softly.

"If you think you should."

"I'd ratha not be told I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy Oliver."

He shrugged and pressed his face into my shoulder.

"How about we try some things first and if nothing helps than we will go see a doctor." I said my hand finding his hair.

"Like what?" he asked softly giving in to me playing with his hair because his fingers stopped moving on my side.

"I don't know yet...maybe if you ever have those thoughts I don't care what time it is, you should call me so I can tell you how stupid you are."

He chuckled, "but yeh wouldn't tell meh how stupid I am. Yeh neva do."

I gave him a small grin, "that's because I don't think you are."

"Yeh juss said yeh'd tell meh I was stupid!"

"Well, not really just something along those lines."

He chuckled and pulled me closer to him.
"I reallah preciate yeh helpin meh." He whispered his breath hitting my cheek, "yeh don't have ta even listen ta meh if yeh don't want ta yeh know?"

"I don't mind. You listened to me rant about my stupid boyfriend so it's ok."

"ex boyfriend."

"Right. Thanks for that..."

"Sorrah." He said laughing before he kissed my cheek causing me to get a bit nervous for some reason.

"I like how yeh make meh feel." He whispered turning the whole conversation from funny to serious in moments.

"I don't know why. I don't do anything."

"That's the point. Yeh make me feel normal because I know yeh not watchin me or lecturin meh and I need that right now."

"I'll also, you know, defend you from the idiots." I added and he laughed, "that's so sweet of yeh."

"Yep. Especially Jona."

"Fanks love." He whispered his hand now from my side to my cheek. He kissed my neck as his fingers moved up and down my cheek repeatedly. I don't think he meant for it to be received as anything sexual. In reality I think he just wanted to feel close to someone, to feel needed. So, I wrapped my arm around him and buried my face into his chest. I would help Oliver as much as I could because as happy as he wanted to be I wanted him to be just, if not more than that.