Avoid All Entanglements

When I was done, when I’d finally said everything that I’d kept inside of me for six months, I finally looked at Tyler.

What I saw on his face was a reflection of what I felt. It felt like a punch in the gut, recognising the look you’ve seen on your face for months and not realising that someone out there felt the same you did.

“What happened to the fucker? Did he get away with it?”

I had to make myself look away. It physically hurt to see how much of me was in him.

“They...they don’t know who he was.”

He tugged me towards him and when his arms came around me; I stiffened. There had been a lot of hugging and crying in the days After and while I’d never pushed away or rejected any of their hugs, I had never felt whatever they wanted me to feel.

But when Tyler hugged me, I could feel the tears burning at the back of my lids. And for the first time, I relaxed into the hug, resting my head against his shoulder; my tears soaking into his shirt.

Suddenly, the door in front me opened. I jerked back when the light hit me.

Tyler’s back was to Riley so he didn’t see the expression on his best friend’s face but I did. I saw the confusion, the disgust, the anger that flitted through his features. When Tyler turned to him and saw Riley, Riley’s face was unreadable.

But I knew what I saw. And so, I ran.



Grief is a funny thing. It weighed you down; pressing hard on you and making it hard to breathe. But it also anchored you; tied you to this Earth. After I’d split everything, it felt like I was struggling to find my bearings.

Although I’d accused other people of seeing me only as Sara’s sister and later on, as the dead girl’s sister, I’d been the same too. All my life, I’d seen myself as Sara’s sister. Now that I’d more or less accepted that she was gone, that there wasn’t anything I could do about it, I didn’t have anything left. I didn’t know who Spencer was anymore, if she was even the same girl.

“Miss Thompson, please stay after class for a moment.”

Roused out of my thoughts by Mr. Vanderbilt’s usual slightly sardonic tone, I nodded when his eyes landed on me. I shifted awkwardly in my seat.

Natalie glanced at me but looked elsewhere when she saw that I noticed. I knew that I wanted to talk to her about Sara but I didn’t know how to bring it up.

Class ended and after everyone left, Mr. Vanderbilt waited pointedly for me to approach him.
“You haven’t ended in your essay, Spencer and I’d like to know why.”

It was weird but now that I was standing closer to him, I could see the softness in his eyes and the way he was slouching slightly in his seat. It looked like such typical teenagey things to do that I couldn’t really believe that he was a teacher. Where was the other Mr. Vanderbilt? The one who frowned a lot and used a lot of big words during class?

“Spencer?”

“Sorry, I was just...thinking.”

“You still haven’t given me a reason about why you haven’t handed in your essay. I’ve seen your work and you’re not a bad writer. This topic that I’ve chosen shouldn’t be that hard an essay to write at all. Your first impression wasn’t the best but I don’t intend to fail you solely for that. It’ll go on your record.”

“It’s just that what I want to change is personal.”

He ran a hand through his hair; a gesture that tugged at my memories but I couldn’t quite place it. “That was the point of the essay. Does it have something to do with your sister?”

I tried to not to flinch. Dad had thought that it would make the transition for me easier if the school administration knew about Sara. I hadn’t cared enough to object and I’d kind of forgotten about it, since none of the other teachers had brought it up.

“Okay, forget I mentioned that. Whatever it is; I want your essay in or I’ll have to fail you.”
I nodded, grateful that I was getting a second chance.

Natalie was standing by the door, waiting for me. “What happened? Did you forget about your essay or something? Because that really isn’t like you.”

“No, I just didn’t know how to write what I wanted to change. Natalie, um, if you don’t mind, can I sit with you during lunch? I need to talk to you about something.”

She stopped walking and I turned around to see why. Her eyes were as wide as saucers.
“Did something happen between you and Tyler?”

I finally placed the memory; why Mr. Vanderbilt’s gesture seemed so familiar to me. I’d seen Tyler and Riley do that before, when they were pissed off. Friends sometimes picked up each other’s actions; I knew that my annoying habit of pen twirling in class was one of Cora’s mannerisms. Did that mean that Mr. Vanderbilt wasn’t just friends with Delia but Tyler and Riley too?

But if that was the case, why didn’t I see any of them talking to him?

“Nothing happened,” I replied to Natalie after a pregnant pause. “Absolutely nothing.”

I wasn’t lying. Tyler had treated me like normal after I’d split everything. I’d thought that this was what I wanted, to be treated like everyone else even after he’d seen how broken up I was on the inside. But now I wasn’t sure. It didn’t feel right. Again, I’d had the same uneasiness that I’d experienced that time I went to his party, like keeping things easy was what Tyler wanted.

“Are you sure? I mean; you are aware that I’m sitting with the other track jocks, right? And I thought that you would’ve wanted to avoid all that. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Isn’t that what you wanted?

“No, not anymore.”



When I got home after school, I was feeling lighter than I’d had.

Natalie and I talked after school, hanging out in one of the cosy-looking cafes I’d seen around Rosewood but hadn’t gone in before. We talked about everything, about what I remembered about Sara, about Natalie’s annoying younger brothers, just about anything at all. It was easy to speak to her, so easy that I’d nearly forgotten about the awkwardness I’d felt at her lunch table.

I’d fit in a lot easier than I thought I would’ve with her friends. The awkwardness was because the entire time I sat there, I could feel two pairs of eyes watching me—Riley and Tyler.

“Mom? I’m home!”

I didn’t get any response. There wasn’t anybody in the kitchen or the living room. My stomach lurched.

Mom had gotten better recently, one day I’d even found her in the kitchen, bending over a tray off of cookie dough. The last time she’d baked for me was when I was in the sixth grade, a year before she returned to work. It felt like déjà vu, only that there wasn’t any Sara around, trying to steal cookie dough to eat.

“Hello, Mom? Are you home?”

I went up the stairs and to her bedroom. I pressed my ear against the door but didn’t hear anybody inside. I went in.

Mom was lying on the bed, peaceful like she was sleeping. There were a bottle of pills, opened on her bedside table. Those were the sleeping pills she’d gotten after Sara died, when she couldn’t sleep at all at night. Dad had told me that she’d stopped taking them because she was fine now.

I grabbed the bottle and checked it. More than half the pills were gone.

As if from a very great distance, I heard the keys I had been holding drop.



“Hey, what’s up?”

“My mom. She’s—I don’t know what to do. I’m in the hospital but I don’t—”

“Spence, take a deep breath and calm down, okay?” I inhaled deeply and counted to ten before I let out another breath. “Did you call your dad?”

I nodded, then realised that he couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I did.”

“I’ll be there soon, don’t worry.”

I sank into the stiff seats outside the operating theatre, gripping my phone in my hands so hard that my fingertips were turning white. I closed my eyes and prayed, prayed to nobody that would listen to please, please make sure that Mom was alright. She had to make it.
She had to.

I heard footsteps and I opened my eyes to see Riley. I looked away from him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I volunteer here sometimes. I heard what happened.”

“What do you want?”

It felt surreal, like we’d switched spots, with me being the one that discomforted him. If it was any other time, I might have enjoyed the feeling.

“I’m sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable. I mean, I saw the two of you together that day and I guess I sort of overreacted.”

“What is wrong with you? What are you so overprotective of Tyler? Or is that you think that I’m not good enough to be around you people? What is your problem, Riley?”

He blinked at me. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Whatever ‘problem’ I have doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

“Oh nice, that clears up a lot,” I replied, sarcastically. “You haven’t told me anything at all, you know that right?”

“You wouldn’t want to be part of this. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along. You don’t want to get mixed up with Tyler and I. Go with Natalie, go back to track but you shouldn’t get mixed up with us.”

“How did you know I was from track?”

It was his turn to look away from me. “My dad is the chairman of the school board. He’s heard about your family.”

“And he told you.”

Riley didn’t nod but he sat down next to me.

“You are a fucking piece of work, Riley. You knew all that about me and you still act like such a—”

“Life is a bitch. You're not the only one with problems.”

“I know I’m not.”

“Then stop acting like you are.”

I folded my arms to stop them from shaking. “I don’t act like I am the only person with problems.”

He rolled his eyes. “Tyler has a hero complex. And somehow, you always end up relying on him, don’t you? You can’t fix your own goddamn problems. And it may be news to you, but Tyler has his own problems too. He can't always be the one to rescue you.”

“I don’t want to talk to you about this right now.” His eyes flicked to the operating theatre and his expression softened slightly. He looked exactly like the others and for a moment, I felt a true surge of hate for him. But the moment passed and I remembered that I was only dealing with a confused boy here. “Please, just go.”

“...I’ll wait with you.”

Stunned, I stared at him. He only smiled slightly in return.