The F Word

January 1

What had happened last night this morning did not end well. After we'd kissed – I smiled again, just thinking about it – after that, Jasmine'd freak edout. It actually went like this:

After what seemed an hour of the purest bliss, Jaz broke the kiss and pulled away from me, looking down guiltily.

“Zac...”

The clear pain in her voice obliterated my bubble of ecstasy and almost made me regret kissing her. Almost.

“Jaz... I’m sorry if you didn’t want me t-”

She held her hand up and I quieted down. “No, I’m sorry. For kissing you, and for leading you on. For not being able to control my crazy hormones. I obviously lack enough self-control to spend time with you platonically.” She was studiously avoiding my gaze; she did, however, peer up under her eyelashes as though to check my expression. She took a deep breath. “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

Those eight words almost made my heart stop. It was hell enough knowing that, though we could legally and morally date, I could never have her because she belonged to someone else; I couldn’t lose her as a friend on top of all that.

I was so torn up about it that I couldn’t find the energy to smile at the fact that she’d basically just called me irresistible.

“J you can’t do this to me. Isn’t it enough that I know we can’t be together? I can’t lose you completely.”

Jasmine shook her head and I could see the tears forming in her eyes. “But I can’t do this to myself anymore. Zac, I’m afraid I’ll cheat on Kurt.”

“Jaz he’s been cheating on you this entire time.”

“I know, and I hate him for it. But I’m not going to stoop to his level.”

“But he just hooks up with random whores; we have something Jaz.”

“It doesn’t make it right!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry for even suggesting it.”

I took a step closer, and she tried to move back too but hit the balcony railing instead. I took her hands and looked into her eyes. “J, I want you to know that I would do anything for you. If you give me a chance, I will love that little girl like my very own and I will always be there for you, no matter what. If you just let me try...”

Jasmine stared back at me and I practically see her resolve weakening. After a tense couple minutes, however, she just shook her head again.

“I made a commitment to Kurt. I can’t just run off with you.”

An awkward silence followed and Jaz slowly pulled her hands from mine and started around me. I frantically tried to think of something that could make her change her mind.

She sighed. “Well I guess this is goodbye Zac.”

“Jaz wait! I know where you’re coming from and I respect that completely. But please don’t give up on this friendship. I promise I’ll never do anything to intentionally sabotage your relationship. I swear... just give me another chance.”

Jaz looked up at me, and I swear she looked as relieved as I felt. She gave me a little smile.

“I think we have a deal, Zac.”

I smiled back, “I think so too.”

Of course, my promise meant I had to abort my ‘Show-Jasmine-just-how-much-of-a-douche-bag-her-fiancé-really-is-so-she-can-realize-that-I’m-the-one-for-her-and-marry-me-instead’ plan, but right now I’d accept any compromise which meant I could still see her.

“One last hug?” I tried my best puppy-dog impression.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck as mine went around her waist, and I held her a moment longer than was necessary, just so I could remember how she felt.

After realizing there were still people inside, we headed in to wish everyone a Happy New Year. We had to go ‘round the room a few times because people kept moving and it was ‘tradition’ to see everybody before you leave. By the time we got to Anne, I was ready to leave, but she pulled me aside and left Jasmine to be bored to death by her husband, Mr. GriBehr. When we were far enough that our respective dates couldn’t hear us, Anne still lowered her voice.

“I saw that kiss, you know. What’s going on between you two?”

“Nothing. We just kissed by accident.”

“A two minute accident?” I smiled sheepishly. “Anyway, where do you two stand now?”

“Just friends still, and I had to beg for even that much.”

“Everything will work out sweetie.”

She smiled at me and pulled me towards where her husband was droning on about some war and Jaz was succeeding in the difficult task of sleeping upright with her eyes open. I smiled and subtly pull my arm behind her for support.

“Well Happy New Year Mr. and Mrs. GriBehr.”

“To you too boy.” Mr. GriBehr shook my hand then took his wife’s and went off to look for his next victim. Before they were out of sight, Anne turned and mouthed ‘Good luck’ to me.

I smiled and shook Jaz slightly. She whimpered in her half-asleep state.

“I think it’s time I get you home.”

She nodded and I started walking to the exit.

Jasmine’s apartment was nearer than my house, so we’d already decided to go there. I parked outside and supported her up the stairs then left her to get ready for bed. When she was safely tucked in, I made sure everywhere was locked up and then crashed on her couch around 1:30.

I woke at 8, checked on the still-sleeping love of my life, and then drove home.

My mom hijacked me on the way up to my room, asking about my night and why Jasmine wasn’t there for our traditional New Year’s Day brunch. I lied and told her that Jaz already had plans with Kurt, since it was a given that she would want some time to think about what had happened. When my mom tried pressing me for details, I channeled the attitude of any teenager and ran up to my room.

Since then I’ve been sitting on my bed, trying to make sense of all that had happened last night. So far I’ve come up with this single, obvious conclusion:

I needed to get over Jasmine, and fast.



January 6

I check my outfit in the mirror and smiled at my sexy self. My black sneaks, jeans and black shirt would make the right first impression.

I, against my better judgement, was about to go on a blind date with someone Ian set me up with. I’d called him on Sunday after my epiphany to ask for this ‘favour’ and now I was about to spend my Friday evening with this chick named Alizé, who loved going on out and getting drunk off her namesake.

I showed up at our rendezvous exactly on time. Ian had given me a brief description, and it was enough to identify her. A brunette, with a tight black dress, black heels and perfect makeup, she was standing near the restaurant greeting desk, looking surprisingly normal. I’d assumed based on the way Ian talked about her that she was some kind of party freak, she cleaned up nice.

As I walked over to her location, I couldn’t help admiring the way she filled out her dress and had on just enough makeup to compliment her obvious natural beauty. She would never be as stunning to me as Jasmine, but the fact that my heart was taken didn’t prevent my groin from appreciating someone as fine as her.

She noticed me approaching and smiled. “You must be Zac.” She ignored my outstretched hand and hugged me instead.

I smiled back. “And you must be Alizé; and as fine as glass of it I must say.” I winked and she laughed with me.

“Classy. Most guys just make a comment about ‘Bottoms up’.” She smiled, and I laughed and shrugged.

We were led to our table when I pulled out the chair for Alizé like the classy gentleman she just said I was.

The date went relatively well. Alizé and I chatted, and it seemed we had a few things in common, like our birth month – her birthday was a week before mine – and our love of taking pictures, though of course we were on opposite sides of the camera.

For some reason though, I couldn’t keep Jasmine from popping into my thoughts throughout the evening. For example, when Alizé mentioned that she’d once wanted to be a doctor instead of a model, I immediately thought of Jasmine’s incomplete dream of going into anaesthesiology. And when my date spoke of her father being her main motivator in her career, I remembered how close Jaz and I came to being related by her dad Carl. I started thinking that Jaz’s long hair looked better than Alizé’s short, and that, even though Alizé didn’t have on that much makeup, Jaz wouldn’t even need that much. At one point, I was even comparing the way they ate.

After several attempts to focus on the beautiful woman in front of me and ignore the one in my mind, I realized that one does not simply ignore someone like Jasmine. I did, however, have the decency to hope Alizé didn’t notice my distraction.

Of course, I had no such luck.

Halfway through the main course, after a pause in the conversation to allow proper appreciation of the food, Alizé looked up at me and frowned slightly.

“What’s her name?”

I blinked, a bit taken aback. “Whose?”

She cracked a smile. “The woman on your mind. The one you came here to forget about.”

“Jasmine.” I was so surprised that I didn’t realize that I was answering until after the word was out of my mouth.

She calmly took a sip of her wine and looked at me. “Pretty name. She pretty?”

“Stunning.”

“And smart too, I guess.”

“Absolutely perfect.”

“You really love her huh?”

I just nodded.

Alizé tapped her chin absently. “This might be a little harder than usual,” She stared me right in the eyes, “but maybe...”

I stared back blankly. “What might be harder than usual?”

She shrugged. “Well I already blew my cover so why not? I’m not some random desperate girl that your friend happened to know. I actually do sort of a ... ‘rebound therapy’ you could say. I help men, and the occasional woman, forget the women who broke their hearts. And I normally succeed, but you...you might change that.”

My brain had to take a minute to process this new info. But it had already recognized that her statements confirmed my suspicions that her normalness was too good to be true. How could I possibly expect Ian to set me up with a normal chick?

“This ‘therapy’...what does it entail exactly?”

“Well some guys just need a pretty face and a good kisser to get their mind off their troubles. Others require some extra work at home.” She winked at me and stuck out her tongue, which, I noticed for the first time, was pierced. How interesting... “Mind you, I’m not a prostitute or anything; I just do what need to be done. Concerned friends call me and I try to fix the broken. No one deserves to be alone and heartbroken, something I learned from experience.” She smiled ruefully and held up her glass. “Well now that the cat’s out of the bag, there’s not much chance of the plan still working is there?”

I smiled. “I don’t know...Maybe some extra work at home might be what I need.”

I winked at her and she just laughed as we turned back to our forgotten meals. At least the atmosphere at our table was back to normal.

In the break while we waited for our dessert to be brought, Alizé brought back up the subject.

“I can honestly say that you took a blow at my ego tonight. I mean, normally I’m enough to keep the other woman off his mind.”

She was smiling but I could hear the undertone in her voice. I started to apologize but she just waved me down.

“You win some, you lose some. Not every shot comes out perfect, you know? Well you do know.” We grinned as she mentioned our mutual interest. “But on a more serious note, if you love her this much...maybe you shouldn’t be giving up. Maybe you should try getting her back.”

“I know. But I doubt her fiancé would be very happy with that.”

She winced. “Ouch, that far huh? Sorry dude.”

“Well there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“I’ll see about that. Tell me about Jasmine.”

About then the waiter brought our cheesecakes and we devoured that as we discussed the love of my life. By the time dinner was over, I had gained a new determination to win Jaz back, a real opportunity to work with a professional model, and 10 pounds.

Alizé and I were going to meet up sometime to discuss working on a portfolio together, and I think that we might actually end up pretty good friends.

As I drove home, I thought of how I would’ve never predicted this outcome when I left for my date. Despite all the good that had come of it, my main motive had been to forget about Jasmine.

Mission failed.