Beautifully Broken

It was Sunday afternoon. Around three o'clock to be more precise. My sister had come into town to fix my hair after the stupid rain storm ruined it the day before.

My mom was at the computer. My sister sat on the armrest of the couch right behind myself, who sat on the couch. The TV was on, but we weren't really watching.

There was normal conversation between my mom and my sister - celebrity gossip, distant family relatives, upcoming events and such.

Then I had to ruin everything.

I just had to break my silence and try to fit into our fragile family picture.

When will I learn that I just won't fit in anywhere?

I told a story about something stupid that happened at school awhile back. My mom, like she is with mostly everything, didn't understand why me and my friends acted the way we did. My sister tried to explain to my mom. My mom didn't listen.

Voices were escalated. I sat quietly, only responding when my sister asked me a direct question, and even then I hesitated. The bitch formally known as my mom was out again, and she wasn't going back in her cage anytime soon. I grimaced.

My mom and sister verbally fought each other, still somehow talking about the damn story I had brought up, yet to someone who knows them well enough, they were insulting each other. Attitude, maturity, intelligence - you know, typical family argument, for us anyway.

Suddenly my sister shrieked like a child throwing a tantrum, in retaliation to my mom saying that she isn't immature. My mom then said "Who's being mature now?"

After a few more shouts, my mom stormed away upstairs, still muttering under her breath. My sister had had enough as well. She threw the comb at the stairs. I noticed it was bent now. She got up, looked around the living room, then asked me where her coat was. I remembered that my mom had put it on the second couch, so I pointed to it. She put it on, grabbing her belongings. She didn't mutter like my mom, but did say fewer words against her. I can't really remember much of anything that they said. Except my sister telling me to get better grades and go to college - to get out of here as soon as possible - it's my only way out. I barely nodded as I refrained from blinking so I didn't cry in front of her. If she noticed, she didn't say anything. She then left. I got up to lock the door when she burst back in, explaining that she had left her hair supplies, then took it all, kissed my cheek and left again. For the millionth time in my life, she leaves me with the bitch again.

I walked to my room and collapsed on my bed. I finally choked out my tears, my soft, broken sobs into my sheets and my pillow. I had to sit up though, because how you can breathe into a pillow while crying is beyond me. I wasn't ready to suffocate to death yet. I did, however, look up at my bed frame that was meant for a canopy but was bare. After a brief moment of picturing a noose, I was snapped out of it by my brother Joe coming downstairs.

Sniffling, I called my best friend. He wasn't answering. His mail box was full. I called what I assumed was his home number in my phone. Again no answer. I didn't totally expect him to answer since he might have been in church, I can't remember when his family goes on Sunday. As you've probably guessed, my family isn't religious. We never really had the time or patience for more false promises and missing salvation.

I called my other best friend who I never called unless I really needed something, otherwise I just waited to talk to her during homeroom/division or talk on Facebook. I've only called her three times in my whole five years of knowing her, and she always answers.

She didn't answer.

My eyes watched as my hand launched my phone against my ridiculously bright yellow night stand. Again I cried into my bedding.

I finished my pity party, then wiped my face and got up as if nothing had happened. Because that's how my family works. By tomorrow, my sister and my mom will be chatting on the phone like gossiping best friends all over again, and no one will ever acknowledge this of many falling outs involving my mom.

I'll remember it, though. I remember every bad detail. My mom fights everyone around her. That's why her only friend is, in fact, my sister. Even the rest of my family is getting fed up with her. But we grin and bear it. It's practically the family motto: "Go ahead and fight the bitch, you're still gonna lose. So just get it out and forget everything later."

My mom called me from upstairs a few times, asking for normal favors and tasks. I obeyed without protest for today. I was too tired to fight her in my mind, and way too afraid to fight her in real life.

I picked up my phone off the floor. It was off. Huh. I didn't know I could kill this phone - I never really tried, I guess. I turned it back on, then off again. Why leave it on? Who would call? Who would I feel like talking to?

I sat down at the computer in the living room, plugged my headphones into the speakers, then turned on my beloved desk fan. The previous frustration ebbed away as I mentally blinded myself with pointless websites. I did find myself looking at colleges, though.

I logged onto Facebook. With depression still coursing through my veins, I posted a new status:

Hey. My family is too busy tearing each other apart, the only people I feel like complaining to aren't answering their phone, and now I am too busy to do anything but cry right now, so I can't answer the phone or anything. Leave a message and I might get back to you. Bye.

I clicked some other pages, then noticed after refreshing my email that one of my friends had commented on my status. It was one of my more general friends who I didn't talk to unless I was in a group of my friends, and would feel totally awkward explaining this. When another friend commented, I just closed out Facebook. I did, after all, say that I wasn't answering anybody right now.

Getting lost in technology and music was almost therapeutic. Add the bologna sandwich that I had, and my stress meter was back down to zero. Happiness.

My mom did eventually come back downstairs. As I predicted, she was completely normal again.

As the day went on, I stayed at the computer, my brother ate breakfast, got in a fight with my mom, then life went on again. I turned my phone back on after my mom said she tried to call me but got no answer. My sister texted asking if I was okay. I lied and said yes. My best friend texted me, saying that he found his phone and saw that I called. I didn't reply.

Life goes on.

I still have a week of Spring Break left in this place.

I need to get out before someone gets killed. Hopefully that won't be me.