The Rebel's Apprentice

I didn't tell the others of my little brush with Ethan. I thought it best they not worry about him. They didn't seem it at the moment. But if Ethan wasn't back by Monday like he promised then I fully intended to tell them everything.
I was worried for him, of course. He told me Erin was dangerous. I wished he'd chosen to stay with me instead. I could have protected him. I'm not completely helpless.
I felt flattered that he had remembered his new year resolution. It was made for me, after all. I only wished he was okay and not overdosing in a sleazy motel somewhere.
If I ever saw that bitch, Erin, again, I told myself, I'd give her hell for doing this to Ethan.
He wanted to change, I knew he did, and I could see his confusion in his eyes. But how could he ever change when his past keeps coming back for him like this?

Mom and dad were asking about him. They hadn't seen nor heard me speak of him in days. Dad wasn't worried about this, though. He hated Ethan. Mom's only concern was whether I was okay. Since Erin showed up days before, I'd been quiet and distant. Mom and dad had no idea why. They just assumed it was Ethan.
So, as I suspected I sent the weekend moping over my 'boyfriend.' I spent a lot of time with Beth just because I had nothing else to do. Before the times of friends and alcohol and drugs and parties, I used to spend all my time nurturing my sister's growing mind, and sometimes, her growing curiosity.

"Is Ethan your boyfriend?" Beth asked me. We were sat on her bedroom floor. I was leant against her bed, legs straight out in front of me. Beth was on her stomach, drawing pictures.

"Yes, Beth," I answered, almost convincing myself it were the truth. "You know he is."

"Yeah, I know. But he's never here. Did you guys fight?" she asked.

"No we did not fight." I frowned at the adult assumption of my 8 year old sister

"Do you love him?" she asked.

"Yes." It was the only genuine answer I could give.

"Why does dad not like him?"

"Cause . . ." I pondered. "Dad wouldn't like any guy I brought home. But Ethan isn't anyone dad would ever approve on. They're too different."

"Different how?" she asked, still scribbling away on the paper underneath her. I shrugged as I thought.

"Well dad's a good cop. And sometimes Ethan does bad things that dad wouldn't like if he knew."

"Ethan wouldn't do bad stuff," Beth laughed. "He's nice. If Ethan was bad, he wouldn't love you." It was a fair evaluation that had me thinking.
Even though he didn't love me the way I loved him, a small part of him somewhere did love me in some way. He cared too much for me to be accused of being heartless.
Beth turned around to face me, holding up her drawing.

"Look, do you like it?" she asked. "I want to give it to him." I knew she was talking of Ethan. The stick figure was so clearly him. She'd captured his hair perfectly with a brown scribble around his head. Next to him was a smaller stick figure with brown curly hair in a dress. Beth. She was reaching up, holding Ethan's hand. Holding her other hand was another stick-girl with a brown fringe, a skirt and big black boots.

I giggled. "I love it," I smiled. "And so will Ethan. He really will." Beth smiled and took the picture back, adding finishing touches.
From downstairs I heard the doorbell go and someone open it. A moment later, mom was calling up the stairs.
I came down and found Ethan leaning against the door frame, looking pleased with himself. Mom had ventured back into the kitchen. I pushed Ethan out the door and followed him, shutting it behind me.

"Got rid of her early," he told me. It was Sunday afternoon. I wasn't expecting to see him until tomorrow, if even then.
Suddenly my expression turned sour and I slapped him.

"What the fu- ummm . . . okay," he frowned in confusion as I hugged him tightly, arms locked around his neck.

"You're such a dick, Ethan," I told him, my face buried in his neck.

"Why's that?" he humoured, arms encircling me.

"You don't care who you leave behind." He pulled me back a bit so he could look at my face. His frown was questioning. "I've been worried," I explained with a roll of my eyes. "I was even entertaining the idea of you not even showing up tomorrow . . or ever."

"I was always coming back," he told me.

"But I don't know this," I whined. "You just disappear and leave everyone in your wake, a destroyed mess."

"Are you a destroyed mess?" he asked with a wolfish smirk.

"You're supposed to be my boyfriend remember?" I hissed. "Mom and dad have been asking about you. Why you've vanished."

"What did you tell them?" Ethan asked, digging his hand in his jacket pockets.

I shrugged. "That you were viewing various colleges for next year." Ethan thought a moment and nodded.

"Well I hear that Columbia's pretty good. Or even Pace."

"Columbia and Pace?" I questioned, folding my arms.

"Well, I have to think sensibly here. I'd never get into Harvard or Princeton, now would I?"

"But Columbia and Pace are in New York?" I pressed.

Ethan shrugged. "Yeah, and?"

"What, so you're moving to New York now?"

"Seriously Alice? We're going to argue over this?" Ethan questioned. "Lets have a reality check here. I'm not moving to New York, no. I'm not going to apply for Columbia or Pace. And I haven't been looking at colleges over the last few days. Okay?"
I nodded, feeling like a scorned dog. Reality check it was. I got carried away with the idea of Ethan actually seriously looking at New York colleges. For a moment I thought Ethan and I were a normal couple, arguing over the future of our relationship after we left school and went separate ways to college.

But that was never going to happen.
I was never going to have Ethan. He'd never attend any college at all, let alone a good one. Our pretend relationship was sadly as far as it was going to go.
Ethan and I stared at each other a moment.

"Do you want to come in?" I asked sheepishly. Ethan nodded and we entered my house. I shut the door and Ethan caught my hand. I looked up at him, unsure if he was just kicking into faux boyfriend mode.

"Sorry I snapped at you," he said quietly. I felt my eyebrows raise. He was apologising? For real? Well that's progress for ya.

"It's fine," I shrugged. Keeping hold of my hand, Ethan towed me to the stairs and we ascended. I hoped mom and dad didn't think we were sneaking off to my room, despite how we kinda were.
Ethan knew where my room was and shut the door behind us as we entered. With how he acted sometimes, it was no wonder I confused reality with pretend.
I sat on my bed and watched Ethan pace around my room, taking it all in. he turned his eyes on me and came over. He sat beside me. The room was silent.

"Have you been okay?" I asked lightly, not wanting to disrupt the atmosphere too much.

"Better now." he answered simply, making me think that he hadn't been okay at all.

"I told you not to go," I shook my head. He looked at me.

"I know you did." We fell silent again. Ethan's eyes were locked on mine. His gaze was so intense I had to look away. "Why is it?" he began slowly. "That every time we're alone, we share an intense atmosphere? It's so thick in the air, I can almost taste it."

"It's suffocating," I admitted nervously. Ethan leant forward and I leant back to escape him. Being on my bed, I had nowhere to escape to and ended up on my back. Ethan leant over me with a smirk.

"Now this seems familiar," he said, taking my hands and tightening them around the front of his jacket. I felt the familiar sensation of cold metal against my back as Ethan slid me closer to him across his car hood. A very different feeling to my soft, plush bed beneath me now. My grip on his jacket tightened and his eyes smirked in unison with his lips.
His lips that were now pressed to mine. I felt a sigh within me and wished I had will power. I was getting so good at saying no to this boy. But how can you say no to something you want so bad?

I felt Ethan's hand on the small of my back, much like New Year's eve. I daringly coiled and arm around his neck and held him in place. There was nowhere else I wanted him to be. This was where he belonged. He belonged with me, and I knew I could keep him safe.
He was on top of me. I barely noticed, too preoccupied with the chilling feeling of Ethan's hand slide down passed my waist, over my hip bone and down my thigh. Suddenly my brain clicked back into place and I considered my options. I had some idea of where this was going, well, where it would go in movies at least, but surely Ethan didn't want that from me? Me, of all people? I guess I subconsciously figured that was what he had Cookie for.

Thankfully, before I could give that too much more thought, Beth burst into the room and Ethan looked up at her as she bounded over. He was still on top of me so I pushed him off. I didn't want Beth, of all people to find me in a compromising position, though she probably would have been the most forgiving.

"Hi Ethan," she beamed, climbing into his lap. He smiled back. "I made you a picture." she thrust the drawing at him and I scooted a little away from him, deciding we couldn't be trusted to be alone anymore. Ethan looked over the picture and his face lit up. This was everything he'd been missing out on. He glanced up at my wardrobe and all the drawings, from Beth to me, stuck on there, and I think he realised the same.

"It's lovely," he nodded to Beth. "I'll stick it to my wardrobe," he shot a crooked smile at me and I couldn't help smile back.

"Ethan?" Beth asked in the tone only an inquisitive child has.

"Yes?"

"Are you going to marry Alice?" The question caught us both off guard. We looked at each other. "If you did," Beth continued. "You'd be my brother." Something changed ever so slightly in Ethan's eyes. It looked a little like desire. He wanted a sibling more than anything, that much was apparent. He had already fallen in love with the idea of Beth. It seemed almost teasing. Ethan lowered his eyes. "What's wrong?" Beth asked. "Don't you want to be my brother?" Ethan looked back up at her and smiled, his face a mask once again.

"Of course I do," he told her.

"So you'll marry Alice?" Beth beamed excitedly.

"Hey, Beth," I interrupted. She looked at me. "Why don't you show Ethan the trampoline?" Beth smiled wider, if possible.

"Yeah!" she exclaimed, climbing off Ethan. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Trampoline?" Beth grabbed Ethan's hand and tugged him out the room. I sighed and stood. Smoothing out the comforter on my bed, I followed.



Beth was jumping up and down relentlessly when I got in the garden. Ethan was watching. I stood by his side.

"That's an impressive trampoline," he commented on it's size.

"It's Beth's," I shrugged, folding my arms.

"C'mon Ethan," Beth called, her curly mop rising and falling with each jump. He looked at me for permission. I simply nodded and smiled. A grin broke his face and he kicked his heavy boots off. He slipped out of his leather jacket and dropped it on the grass before climbing on to the trampoline. I laughed as Beth pushed him over the moment he got in the middle. She jumped all around him as he tried to stand but couldn't. With a smile on his face, he grabbed Beth and pulled her down. She squealed with delight and giggled a sweet sound. Ethan stood and jumped so she couldn't get her footing to stand. Ethan soon stopped and helped her up and, keeping hold of each others hands, they jumped together.
It was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen. Just when I thought I'd seen every side of Ethan, he surprises me and throws out innocent, playful brotherly-figure at me.
I smiled as I watched him and realised just how sweet my life was. I was mad to ever question it and doubt what my life was about.

But watching Ethan play with my sister like she were his own, made me realise something. I never befriended Ethan to better my life. I did it to better his life. To everyone he was dangerous, drug taking, drinking, violent Ethan Kowalski. But to me he was kind and caring. He was loyal and passionate. He was vulnerable and neglected. Above all else, he was misunderstood. And be it the biggest cliche in the book, it was the truth.

Ethan looked up at me, smile still stretched across his face, as he tickled Beth into submission. There was something innocent and child-like in his eyes that suited him terribly.
I was his escape, I realised. I was his refuge where he could relax. Those times just talking in his room. Our time together in the wheat field. All our moments alone when he lets his mask slip and I see what's really hidden in those eyes. He only felt comfortable to do that around me. I can only hope that one day he'll feel comfortable enough to show me the raw, bare-minimum of his character.



Everything was back to normal at school Monday morning. It was like Ethan was never gone. No one asked him where he'd been or whether he was okay. I was hoping I wouldn't have to be the one to always question him like a concerned mother, but it looked like I would be.
I had one lesson alone with Ethan. Social studies.
Ironic huh? They tell me of all the things I shouldn't do. All the things that are dangerous to my health, when all along the most dangerous thing to my health was sat right next to me, smirking every time the teach said 'don't do drugs.'
It was 25 minutes into the lesson when I couldn't stand it any longer. As nice as it was to hear him talk about what a good time he had at mine the previous afternoon, it wasn't what I wanted to hear at that moment.

"Ethan talk to me," I said in a low voice. He frowned in amusement at me, turning in his seat.

"I am, aren't I?"

"No, I mean . . let me in. talk to me. You don't have to be this Ethan, not to me." His frown turned to that of confusion. "What happened?" I pressed. "Please, just tell me what happened." He sighed and turned back in his seat, away from me.

"This isn't really the place," Ethan muttered, indicating our teach and his lectures about the dangers of drugs.

folded my arms. "Seems like the perfect place to me. We're alone. It's better that way. We can talk." Ethan stayed silent. "So I'll start then," I sighed. "Who's Erin?"
Ethan was silent a moment more before he decided to cooperate.

"She's from the Bronx," he told me in a quiet voice, eyes always moving to check no one was listening in. "She's 19 and she's a drug dealer, yes."
I exhaled the breath I was unaware I was holding and nodded. It was a start.

"How do you know her? Why does she come for you?"
He sighed. "She was . . . a friend of a friend who got in real deep with her. Then I ended up getting involved with her and just ever since then she kept coming back for me. I tried to get out of it but like I said, she's crazy. You don't say no to a bitch like that."

"Does she make you take the drugs?" I trembled. Ethan shrugged like it were no big deal.

"The stuff she sells isn't addictive. I wouldn't take it if it was. I'm not a junkie."

"Is that a yes?"

"I don't wanna take it, no. but I don't object cause I know that if I can just play along and keep her happy for a few days then she'll leave and I can go back to normal."

"You slept, like, all day," I reminded him in a quiet voice of the day he showed up, only to disappear again.

"I was up all night. Took this real crazy trip on LSD. Wasn't bad, just fucked up."

"Oh Ethan," I groaned, putting my face in my hands.

"What? You don't need to worry about me,"

"You love it when I worry about you," I contradicted. I knew this cause he told me so.

"I do," he admitted. "But you don't need to now. It's over."

"Yeah, until she comes back," I said, raising my voice slightly. A few students around us looked. Ethan leant close to me.

"You're right, shortcake, I can open up to you. But if you draw attention to our conversations, I'm not telling you jack shit, okay? Yes, she'll come back. But not for months so it's not something we need to worry about. I never asked you to worry about me."

"You just don't get it do you, Ethan?" I asked incredulously "You're my friend. Of course I'm going to worry. I know that you 'rebels' don't care enough to worry about each other, but I was raised to care about others, especially those who mean something to me." Ethan gripped my shoulder and glared daggers into my eyes.
'
"You 'rebels'?" he repeated. "Listen to yourself kid. You're one of us now. You remember that. And how dare you assume we don't care. You of all people know exactly what emotions we're capable of. Jesus, Alice, I thought you knew me better than that." Ethan let go of me with a look mixed up of disappointment and mild disgust.
Our little conflict, though inaudible to others, certainly gathered a lot of curious eyes.

"Ethan," I tried in a desperate voice, allowing that desperation to show on my face. I didn't care who saw it. "I'm worried about you. Also, they think you're my boyfriend," I indicated to our peers.

Ethan didn't look up at me, but spoke in a slow and steady voice. "I think you need a reality check Alice. You're not my girlfriend."
The truth hurts. And, boy, did that one burn like a bitch.
We were silent for the rest of class and as the bell went at the end of lesson, I packed my bag and left without a single word or glance at Ethan.

I sat at the piano. Not playing it, just staring absently at it's keys. I sat here once with Ethan, teaching him. He was a fast learner and was running through chords and scales within the hour. Right now, I never wanted to see him again.

"Is everything alright, Alice?" I looked to my right at the voice and found mom sat beside me on the stool. I shrugged and looked back down at the keys.
"Is everything okay at school?" she asked. I nodded, idly tinkling the right hand part to Moonlight Sonata.
"Is everything alright with you and Ethan?" I shrugged and sighed. She put an arm around me supportively.

"Tell me what happened?" she enquired, like a good mom.

"You don't have to humour me," I told her. "I know you don't like him so you don't have to pretend you're sad that we had a fight."

"Sweetheart, please. What kind of mother do you take me for?" she asked. "Ethan's a little rough around the edges, sure. But he makes you happy. And if Ethan makes you happy, then I'm happy. I'd much rather see you with him and smiling then see you upset without him . . . and so would your father." she added significantly. "Now why did you fight?"
I thought on my feet and did what I did best. I lied.

"Well, you know he was looking at colleges?" mom nodded. "He's looking at some in New York." Mom raised her eyebrows.

"Really?" she mused, sounding almost impressed.

"But I don't know if I want to go to Columbia or Pace and if he does and I don't then we'll never see each other." I sighed and got to the point. "I'm losing him mom," and this was my biggest fear. "I don't think he realises how much I love him. I can't lose him, I really can't. It'll destroy me. I can see the cracks already. We're fighting more and more, over stupid things. One minute he's fine and then the next he just snaps and it's like he's a different person and doesn't care at all. He's so difficult to work out. I don't know what to think anymore."

"Alice," Mom sighed with a tired smile. "That boy loves you. Trust me. You only need to look in his eyes. The way he looks at you . . you're everything to him." I looked up at mom with a light frown. Ethan was a better actor than I thought. "He wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Every relationship struggles at some point. And yeah you'll see cracks, but you build around that and make it stronger, so cracks never show again. You'll be okay honey. Just sit tight and you'll see." She smiled at me and patted my shoulder leaving me with my thoughts.