From This Moment On

It's Monday morning
And I would kill for a chance to drive
Get so far away from here with you my dear
That I'll never leave your side
Nobody knows the troubles I've seen
In a van, on a soapbox for the world to see

Miles away, and I wish this didn't mean so much to me
To be a monument for the rest of them
Miles away, and I wish this didn't mean so much to me
To be a monument for the rest of them

We're getting older
I've started to fear for my life
is this the way that it should be?
this whole thing's riding on me
it's been a long road so far
with nowhere to turn
There's no looking back from here
no more dwelling on my fears
********************************************************

We’ve been married for a year now and things were still crazy. Zach was always touring and for the most part I was on tour with him. But life was about to change for the both of us.

“Zach!” I screamed from the top of the stairs.

“What babe.” He said flipping through channels on the TV.

“Um, I have something to tell you.” I said taking a seat next to him.

“What is it?” he looked at me worried. He could tell there was something up by the tone in my voice. I didn’t know if I should be happy or not about the news I was about to tell him. He turned the TV off and turned his body to face me. He took my hands and was gently rubbing his thumb over the back of them.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Honey! That’s great new!” he stood up pulling me with him and picked me up in a hug and spun me around. “Why do you not seem happy about this?” he put me down but kept a firm grip on my waist.

“Because we said that we would wait to have kids and you have 3 tours lined up and you’ll always be gone.”

“I’ll never leave you alone with this. I’m here for you no matter what. And I’ll do my damn best to keep you and this baby safe.”

**********

“Zach, you can’t possibly be here and on tour at the same time.”

“That’s why you should just come back on tour with us.”

“You know I can’t. I have to be home so I can go to doctor appointments. Plus being on a tour bus and touring the country is not healthy for me right now.”

“But I don’t want to leave you here alone.”

“I’m not alone.”

“You’re not with me.”

“Zach, don’t worry about me. I’m a big girl and I can handle it. Plus if I need help I have your parents and Vic.”

“But I don’t want my family to take care of my wife when I should be.”

“Zach this is your job. You need to go do your job to keep this roof over our head and to provide for me and this baby.”

“I need a job that keeps me closer to you.”

“You need to stop worrying about this and just go. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come in this career and this baby is going to love you no matter what.”

*****************

“Congratulations!” Everyone screamed as we walked through the front door to our house with our brand new baby boy, Brayden.

****************************

“I’m home!” Zach screamed walking through the front door.

“It would be nice if you remembered that you have a one year old son sleeping up stairs.” I said walking down the stairs after finally getting Brayden to sleep. The whole band was in my kitchen eating everything like always.

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.” I said walking into the laundry room to get the cloths and fold them.

“What’s up with you two?” Nathan asked stuffing his face.

“I don’t know she’s just been like this lately. I just try to not push the wrong button.” Zach shrugged.

“Doesn’t look like that’s working bro.” Cam said.

“Has Kate said anything about this?” Zach asked hoping to get an answer.

“Not that I know of.” Cam said with a hint of sadness for Zach in his voice.

“I think you should just talk to her.” Michael said.

“Fine I will.” And with that Zach followed me into the laundry room. “What’s wrong?” he said leaning against the doorframe.

“You tell me.” I kept folding the cloths and refused to look at him.

“If I knew I wouldn’t be asking.”

“Well maybe that’s the problem.” I picked up the basket of cloths and stormed past him up the stairs. As soon I got to the gate I found Brayden sitting on the floor right outside his room. Damn it! He learned how to climb out of his crib. I through the basket on the floor and picked up my son. Zach was right behind me.

“Can you please tell me what I did wrong so we can fix this?”

“There is nothing to fix. You messed up big time and you have been messing up ever since your son was born.” I snapped.

“What are you talking about?”

“I am not doing this right now in front of him and not when the guys are downstairs.” But just like that Zach took Brayden from me and had me follow him down the stairs. He handed Brayden to Nathan and pulled me outside onto the patio.

“There now we’re not having this conversation in front of anyone. Tell me what I did please.” Our patients were wearing thin by this point. Mine more than his though.

“You want to know what is wrong, fine! You’ve never been here for me like you said you would be and Brayden hardly even knows you’re his father. I get to see you for one day out of the 3 that you’re gone and we hardly even talk on the phone when you’re gone. Plus you forgot that last week was our anniversary. So sorry for being a little pissed off.”

“Fuck! Did I really forget?”

“Yes you did because you are too busy living your rock star life to remember that you have a wife and kid at home who miss you all the time and need you to be there for them but you just forget. Do you know how hard it is to have your son always asking where his father is and why his father isn’t there. Do you know that I’ve cried myself to sleep number of times because you forgot to call but you remembered to tweet about how much you love your fans and how fun the show was? What happened to me being your first priority?” I was balling by this point I couldn’t take it.

“Babe, I’m sorry. I really am. I know that I’ve fucked up but…”

“Save your apology for your son. He needs it more than I do. You’ve had to say sorry to me one too many times for me for care anymore. Yes you’ve fucked up big time but there is nothing you can do to fix it now.”

“Then what do you want me to do?” he pleaded.

“Right now I think the best thing to do is to give each other space.”

“If that’s what you want then I’ll go stay at my parents for now. Just know that I love you and I want to fix this. I never meant to hurt you or Brayden. I know that I have to learn to balance my life better and make a better effort to see you and him. I’ll work on that. I love you Breyandra and I don’t want to lose you. We’ve been through too much to just let it go.” He kissed me on the forehead and then left. I sat down on one of the chairs and just broke.

My perfect life was falling apart. But soon Nathan was by my side and engulfed me in his arms. We must have been sitting out there for an hour. He never said a word, just let me cry on his shoulder. This is why Nathan was my best friend next to Kate. He was the one who no matter what was there for me. Even when it involved Zach, Nathan always stood up for me.

That night Nathan stayed with me and Brayden. He tried to keep me from crying to sleep but it didn’t work that much. But I do have to say that I cried less than what I would have if he wasn’t there. The one thing that made this whole situation worse was the fact that Brayden looked like a spitting image of Zach and it broke my heart to look into those blue eyes and pretend like everything was fine. At least he was use to Zach leaving and not being around. That day Zach’s mom was suppose to come over. I didn’t know what I was going to say or how to act. Since I’ve moved out here me and her have become very close but I still didn’t know how she would feel about mine and Zach’s fight.

*dingdong*

“Hi.” I said opening that door.

“Oh sweetie.” She said hugging me. I started to break down again. I couldn’t help it. We walked over to the couch and sat down to talk about it. Brayden played with his toys on the floor in front of us. “How are you?”

“Considering that me and my husband just had a huge fight, not good.”

“I know this sucks but you know how madly in love my son is with you.”

“I know and I know that he loves Brayden it just hurts that he forgets about us.”

“I know it does.” It was hard for anyone to find the right words to say because there really were none.

“I just want you to know that I have no intentions of walking away from this marriage I just want Zach to realize what he’s done and make a better effort from now on.”

“Oh dear I know that you would never leave Zach. You two are more in love than I’ve ever seen. Weather you know it or not when you two are together the whole room lights up. You two were truly meant for each other. That’s why we didn’t freak out when you guys got engaged. Take it from someone who’s been through this before, these things happen and you just got to work through it every time. It will only make you guys stronger as a couple and independent.”

“Thank you.” I said hugging her.”