Status: Active! Comment & Subscribe! : )
Out of Grasp
I
Everyday there was something new to fight over. Even petty things like leaving the toilet seat up or walking around the house with shoes on; stupid little things that turned into huge arguments. But not every argument was pointless. Some had a true definition, a real reason to have begun. But every fight was one that could have bee solved if we just talked it out. Instead we took things too far, pushed the limits far beyond reason. The topic of the fight no longer mattered; it was about winning and who could make their voice heard more.
Lately our arguments were about our relationship, or lack-there-of. Coming home was no longer something to look forward to. I was in constant fear of saying or doing, or not doing, something that would make him angry at me, and vice versa. Coming back to our apartment became a burden, something neither of us looked forward to anymore.
Countless times, I tried talking him. I tried convincing him to go to therapy with me, but of course, that turned into an argument in of itself. I wanted us to work, I wanted to be with him. But it didn't seem like he wanted to be with me anymore. Even when I brushed off our fights, he held onto them and let them dig us into a deeper whole for days. It was like he had no desire to put the effort into fixing what we had.
I was tired of trying to make our relationship work when there was little effort from his part. The problem was, we were used to each other and both afraid of being alone. When we were younger, we were the picture perfect couple that others would stare at with envy. At one point, I was sure we would get married one day. And some days I still feel that way but then we have another stupid fight and that thought goes right out the window.
Tonight was no different than any other night. The morning started off surprisingly calm, but that was a bad sign from the beginning. I spent all day cleaning and when James came home, I was beginning to cook dinner for us. It started off with me complaining about what a complete slob he was as he threw his coat on the floor, the floor, but soon it morphed into something else.
"I don't know why you have to leave your shoes thrown about the room!"
"I don't know why you have to make such a big deal about where my shoes are!" James said, rolling his eyes.
"Because I spend all day cleaning this apartment and then you just come home and leave your shit all around. There's a place for shoes right next to the door; the couch and in the middle of the room are not the places!"
I picked up his shoe from the floor that I tripped over and grabbed the other one from the couch, and placing both on the mat next to the front door. James sighed, leaning back into the couch and closing his eyes.
"Well, you won't have to worry about where my shoes are for much longer."
I looked at him, confused, one hand placed on my hip. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"I have to leave in the morning. Andy set up a meeting for us at this big company whose looking to sponsor us over in New York."
"You're leaving again? But you just got back two days ago from a trip that was an entire month!"
"This is a very important meeting. You wouldn't understand; it's business."
"I'm not a child, James. Don't tell me what I will and will not understand." He simply rolled his eyes, picking up the remote that was resting on the coffee table and turned on the TV. I walked over to him, grabbed the remote from his hand, and turned off the TV. "When will you be back?"
"I don't know, three, maybe four weeks."
"...three weeks? James, our two year anniversary is next week!"
"And?" He questioned, a certain tone to his voice.
"And? That's all your gonna say?"
"What do you want from me?!"
"I want you to fucking be here!" I screamed, throwing the remote on the couch. "I don't know what hass happened to you, but this is not the James I fell for!"
"What do you want me to do? This is my job!"
"That's just it! It's only a job James! It's not your life! Making money and working isn't everything!"
"My job is our life! It puts a roof over your head and clothes on your back! It's what will give us a better future!"
"At this rate, there is no future for us! And I pay for my own fucking clothes and pay half the bills for this place! I have my own job and make my own money! Don't try acting like this is your apartment and I'm just some guest! We live here!"
"Some days I wish I didn't," he muttered.
"The feelings mutual." I countered back. That was only half true.
Our apartment was silent now, but the tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I suppose I shouldn't be so angry with James. It's not like he's ever here, so why would it be any different this time? He's leaving for another business trip and won't be home for our two year anniversary, like he wasn't home for the one year, no big deal. Why would we need to celebrate being together for 730 days?
I was glaring at James, my arms crossed, holding my ground. Usually, I fold and let the argument go but I'm tired of coming second and third to everything in his life. I don't need to be his top priority, I'm not that self-absorbed, but I need to be at least equal. I can understand his job being important, for many people it is, but that doesn't mean I should or deserve to be pushed aside. I feel he's checked out of this relationship, the relationship that I've always believed in.
James said nothing, keeping his eyes strained on the empty television screen with his arms crossed and his lips pursed.
"So?" I said, no longer able to take the silence.
"So what?" He asked, an attitude clear in his voice.
"Are you calling off the trip?"
"God, do you ever stop thinking about yourself?" He exclaimed, throwing his arms up.
"How the hell is this about me? It's our anniversary you're missing. Again!"
"I can't do anything about it! This is a great opportunity for me!"
"Exactly! For you! You complain about how I only think about myself; look at you! Everything you do is to benefit yourself! Did you ever stop to think that while you're off traveling the world working to make money, your girlfriend is home alone! Have you even realized that our relationship is totally broken! All we do is fight!"
"If you didn't fucking nag so much we wouldn't fight! Maybe instead of complaining, you could clean up this place a little! It's a total mess! Maybe if you got off your ass and did some work around here-"
"You know what, fuck you!"
I walked towards the front door, being dramatic and kicking James' suitcase that was in my way as I passed by it. I slipped on my TOM shoes and grabbed my keys from the bowl next to the door.
"Where are you going?" James sighed, rubbing his forehead, finally standing up from the couch.
"To Victoria's. I'll be back in the morning. I'd say we can talk then but I'm sure you won't even be here. Seven AM flight like always right?" I sneered. He didn't say anything, only stared at me with a blank and tired look on his face. I rolled my eyes and opened the door, slamming it behind me.
As I stormed down the hallway to the elevator, I pulled my cellphone from my back pocket and sent Tori a text, then shoved my phone back into my pocket.
As I stood in the elevator, the small dings ringing with every floor I passed, my lips began to quiver and my eyes watered. I bit my lip in an attempt to prevent it from shaking and to hold off the tears threatening to spill. I could feel my heart breaking; it's been crumbling since James and I began fighting. The feeling of my heart swelling made my lungs constrict and I gasped out a breath, quickly whipping the tears falling from my cheek.
I pulled my car into Victoria's driveway. She has a beautiful house; one that she shares with her boyfriend Eric.
Victoria and Eric have been dating since our freshman year of high school. That's about six years now and they've been going strong since. In the all the time they've been together, they've never had a fight. Sure, little spats here and there and plenty of playful arguments but never the type of fights James and I have all the time; the ones that leave me either in tears or pissed off, with angry words spat and one of us storming out of our apartment.
Even when Eric's band, A Rocket to the Moon, got signed, Tori was 100% supportive. Eric is gone for months at time throughout the year, doing more work than James has to do, touring with his band and yet he manages to find time to call, Skype, and text Tori all the time. Effort-that's what my relationship has been lacking for the last few months.
I turned off my car and just sat there, staring into the woods surrounding Tor's house. Throughout my drive here, the tears increased and I had to pull over for minute to collect myself, the body-wracking sobs distracting me. I had yet to stop crying and at this point, all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and go to sleep.
"Emily?"
I looked towards the front of the house and saw Tori standing in the doorway. Even from my car I could see the worry etched into her face.
I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out of the car, clipping my car keys into my belt loop, a habit both Victoria and I picked up from Eric.
Tori stepped back from the door, allowing me to walk into her house. I slipped off my shoes and traveled into her living room. Her laptop was sitting open on her coffee table, her Tumblr dashboard paused on a photo of Eric sitting in the snow with a bathing suit on. If I wasn't so tired, I'd probably question her on his sanity.
I flopped down face first into her couch, wrapping my arms around the pillow I had my face buried in. I felt the couch sink next to me and then a hand land on my arm, calmly rubbing it. The fact that she knew how much pain I was in made me sad all over again. She knew how my relationship was falling apart; I think she saw the signs before I even could.
After crying for a good fifteen minutes, Tori calmed me down enough and after a sip of water, I told her all about the fight. She never really liked James, only because from the beginning she saw the lack of effort on his part, which I simply overlooked as new relationship nerves. When the fighting really began, she openly voiced her dislike for him. And seeing me in the state I was in only added fuel to the fire.
"So what are you going to do?" She asked quietly after a few minutes of silence, handing me a tissue.
I sighed, wiping my puffy , red eyes. "I'm not really sure. I'm gonna go back tomorrow after he leaves."
"Does that mean you're broken up?"
"I honestly don't know. I just...I cant take the constant fighting. It's wearing me down. I love him and to constantly hate him makes me feel like shit."
"Maybe you guys just need a break."
"We don't need time apart, Tor, that's the whole problem," I sighed.
"Then what do you need?"
".......I honestly don't know."
She gave me a sad smile and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
"Well, no matter what you know I'm here for you, Em."
I nodded my head, thanking her with a small, unconvincing smile.
We didn't stay up much longer after that, with me being too tired and barely able to keep my eyes open.
At 11, we made our way upstairs. Tori gave me some clothes to change into and then I sank into the bed in her extra bedroom, falling asleep the second my head hit the pillow.
Lately our arguments were about our relationship, or lack-there-of. Coming home was no longer something to look forward to. I was in constant fear of saying or doing, or not doing, something that would make him angry at me, and vice versa. Coming back to our apartment became a burden, something neither of us looked forward to anymore.
Countless times, I tried talking him. I tried convincing him to go to therapy with me, but of course, that turned into an argument in of itself. I wanted us to work, I wanted to be with him. But it didn't seem like he wanted to be with me anymore. Even when I brushed off our fights, he held onto them and let them dig us into a deeper whole for days. It was like he had no desire to put the effort into fixing what we had.
I was tired of trying to make our relationship work when there was little effort from his part. The problem was, we were used to each other and both afraid of being alone. When we were younger, we were the picture perfect couple that others would stare at with envy. At one point, I was sure we would get married one day. And some days I still feel that way but then we have another stupid fight and that thought goes right out the window.
Tonight was no different than any other night. The morning started off surprisingly calm, but that was a bad sign from the beginning. I spent all day cleaning and when James came home, I was beginning to cook dinner for us. It started off with me complaining about what a complete slob he was as he threw his coat on the floor, the floor, but soon it morphed into something else.
"I don't know why you have to leave your shoes thrown about the room!"
"I don't know why you have to make such a big deal about where my shoes are!" James said, rolling his eyes.
"Because I spend all day cleaning this apartment and then you just come home and leave your shit all around. There's a place for shoes right next to the door; the couch and in the middle of the room are not the places!"
I picked up his shoe from the floor that I tripped over and grabbed the other one from the couch, and placing both on the mat next to the front door. James sighed, leaning back into the couch and closing his eyes.
"Well, you won't have to worry about where my shoes are for much longer."
I looked at him, confused, one hand placed on my hip. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"I have to leave in the morning. Andy set up a meeting for us at this big company whose looking to sponsor us over in New York."
"You're leaving again? But you just got back two days ago from a trip that was an entire month!"
"This is a very important meeting. You wouldn't understand; it's business."
"I'm not a child, James. Don't tell me what I will and will not understand." He simply rolled his eyes, picking up the remote that was resting on the coffee table and turned on the TV. I walked over to him, grabbed the remote from his hand, and turned off the TV. "When will you be back?"
"I don't know, three, maybe four weeks."
"...three weeks? James, our two year anniversary is next week!"
"And?" He questioned, a certain tone to his voice.
"And? That's all your gonna say?"
"What do you want from me?!"
"I want you to fucking be here!" I screamed, throwing the remote on the couch. "I don't know what hass happened to you, but this is not the James I fell for!"
"What do you want me to do? This is my job!"
"That's just it! It's only a job James! It's not your life! Making money and working isn't everything!"
"My job is our life! It puts a roof over your head and clothes on your back! It's what will give us a better future!"
"At this rate, there is no future for us! And I pay for my own fucking clothes and pay half the bills for this place! I have my own job and make my own money! Don't try acting like this is your apartment and I'm just some guest! We live here!"
"Some days I wish I didn't," he muttered.
"The feelings mutual." I countered back. That was only half true.
Our apartment was silent now, but the tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I suppose I shouldn't be so angry with James. It's not like he's ever here, so why would it be any different this time? He's leaving for another business trip and won't be home for our two year anniversary, like he wasn't home for the one year, no big deal. Why would we need to celebrate being together for 730 days?
I was glaring at James, my arms crossed, holding my ground. Usually, I fold and let the argument go but I'm tired of coming second and third to everything in his life. I don't need to be his top priority, I'm not that self-absorbed, but I need to be at least equal. I can understand his job being important, for many people it is, but that doesn't mean I should or deserve to be pushed aside. I feel he's checked out of this relationship, the relationship that I've always believed in.
James said nothing, keeping his eyes strained on the empty television screen with his arms crossed and his lips pursed.
"So?" I said, no longer able to take the silence.
"So what?" He asked, an attitude clear in his voice.
"Are you calling off the trip?"
"God, do you ever stop thinking about yourself?" He exclaimed, throwing his arms up.
"How the hell is this about me? It's our anniversary you're missing. Again!"
"I can't do anything about it! This is a great opportunity for me!"
"Exactly! For you! You complain about how I only think about myself; look at you! Everything you do is to benefit yourself! Did you ever stop to think that while you're off traveling the world working to make money, your girlfriend is home alone! Have you even realized that our relationship is totally broken! All we do is fight!"
"If you didn't fucking nag so much we wouldn't fight! Maybe instead of complaining, you could clean up this place a little! It's a total mess! Maybe if you got off your ass and did some work around here-"
"You know what, fuck you!"
I walked towards the front door, being dramatic and kicking James' suitcase that was in my way as I passed by it. I slipped on my TOM shoes and grabbed my keys from the bowl next to the door.
"Where are you going?" James sighed, rubbing his forehead, finally standing up from the couch.
"To Victoria's. I'll be back in the morning. I'd say we can talk then but I'm sure you won't even be here. Seven AM flight like always right?" I sneered. He didn't say anything, only stared at me with a blank and tired look on his face. I rolled my eyes and opened the door, slamming it behind me.
As I stormed down the hallway to the elevator, I pulled my cellphone from my back pocket and sent Tori a text, then shoved my phone back into my pocket.
As I stood in the elevator, the small dings ringing with every floor I passed, my lips began to quiver and my eyes watered. I bit my lip in an attempt to prevent it from shaking and to hold off the tears threatening to spill. I could feel my heart breaking; it's been crumbling since James and I began fighting. The feeling of my heart swelling made my lungs constrict and I gasped out a breath, quickly whipping the tears falling from my cheek.
I pulled my car into Victoria's driveway. She has a beautiful house; one that she shares with her boyfriend Eric.
Victoria and Eric have been dating since our freshman year of high school. That's about six years now and they've been going strong since. In the all the time they've been together, they've never had a fight. Sure, little spats here and there and plenty of playful arguments but never the type of fights James and I have all the time; the ones that leave me either in tears or pissed off, with angry words spat and one of us storming out of our apartment.
Even when Eric's band, A Rocket to the Moon, got signed, Tori was 100% supportive. Eric is gone for months at time throughout the year, doing more work than James has to do, touring with his band and yet he manages to find time to call, Skype, and text Tori all the time. Effort-that's what my relationship has been lacking for the last few months.
I turned off my car and just sat there, staring into the woods surrounding Tor's house. Throughout my drive here, the tears increased and I had to pull over for minute to collect myself, the body-wracking sobs distracting me. I had yet to stop crying and at this point, all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and go to sleep.
"Emily?"
I looked towards the front of the house and saw Tori standing in the doorway. Even from my car I could see the worry etched into her face.
I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out of the car, clipping my car keys into my belt loop, a habit both Victoria and I picked up from Eric.
Tori stepped back from the door, allowing me to walk into her house. I slipped off my shoes and traveled into her living room. Her laptop was sitting open on her coffee table, her Tumblr dashboard paused on a photo of Eric sitting in the snow with a bathing suit on. If I wasn't so tired, I'd probably question her on his sanity.
I flopped down face first into her couch, wrapping my arms around the pillow I had my face buried in. I felt the couch sink next to me and then a hand land on my arm, calmly rubbing it. The fact that she knew how much pain I was in made me sad all over again. She knew how my relationship was falling apart; I think she saw the signs before I even could.
After crying for a good fifteen minutes, Tori calmed me down enough and after a sip of water, I told her all about the fight. She never really liked James, only because from the beginning she saw the lack of effort on his part, which I simply overlooked as new relationship nerves. When the fighting really began, she openly voiced her dislike for him. And seeing me in the state I was in only added fuel to the fire.
"So what are you going to do?" She asked quietly after a few minutes of silence, handing me a tissue.
I sighed, wiping my puffy , red eyes. "I'm not really sure. I'm gonna go back tomorrow after he leaves."
"Does that mean you're broken up?"
"I honestly don't know. I just...I cant take the constant fighting. It's wearing me down. I love him and to constantly hate him makes me feel like shit."
"Maybe you guys just need a break."
"We don't need time apart, Tor, that's the whole problem," I sighed.
"Then what do you need?"
".......I honestly don't know."
She gave me a sad smile and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
"Well, no matter what you know I'm here for you, Em."
I nodded my head, thanking her with a small, unconvincing smile.
We didn't stay up much longer after that, with me being too tired and barely able to keep my eyes open.
At 11, we made our way upstairs. Tori gave me some clothes to change into and then I sank into the bed in her extra bedroom, falling asleep the second my head hit the pillow.