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Out of Grasp
XIII
The followings days passed in a blur. I spent all my time with Melanie, Tori, and all the guys doing random, sometimes illegal, things. It seemed that just by being around all these friends of mine, all my problems seemed so unimportant and far in the past. Tonight was the first time in days that I was spending it alone in my house, surrounded by the silence that was only being interrupted by the crickets chirping outside. I made myself a cup of tea and went outside, sitting on the hammock Tori set up in my backyard and looking up at the clear sky.
Ever since I was a little girl I always enjoyed nights like this. The moon and the stars peeked around the tall surrounding trees, illuminating the entire yard. I stayed practically frozen for hours as I let my mind wander. Last time I sat around just thinking, I thought about my parents and how difficult it was for me to let them go.
We used to be very close. My parents at one point were almost like my best friends. I never kept secrets from them or went back against their word. We just had a mutual understanding of everything and things were really simple for us as a family. But I grew up and I started to change, becoming more independent. The grades I was getting in school were no longer high enough and the friends I was gaining weren’t acceptable. Once I started making decisions for myself, the easy-going parents I once knew snapped and became the tyrants I knew them as today.
The thing that made me most mad was that I wasn’t making bad decisions, nor were my friends any different than me. They didn’t smoke, drink, fight, or cause problems in school. The few friends that I did have were just simple kids like me, going about their days one at a time. When we hung out we went to the movies or sat around one of our houses, just talking and goofing around. We weren’t bad kids and nothing about them caused me to change in any drastic way. I just started staying out a bit later and stopped attending the parties that my parents threw for their clients. I was sixteen by then. I didn’t want to hang out with my parents friends. I wanted to go out and have fun and be a teenager. I was growing up and that signaled a red flag to my mom and dad.
After I entered high school, nothing I could do or say would ever get them to trust me as much as they used to when I was younger. In their eyes, I was as good as useless. And once they found out that I had no desire to join my father’s company, I really became dirt. In their eyes, if you didn’t want to be in the family business, you weren’t part of the family. They would never kick me out of the house, because as much as they despised who I had become, they did still love me. But that didn’t mean they acknowledged me. We lived together but it was like living with ghosts. We avoided each other and stopped talking. Family dinners no longer included me and it became like a wall was built between us. Once that wall was built, there was no going back.
I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. The smell of rain from last night overwhelmed my senses and a small smile crept across my lips. I ran my fingers over the grass below me, letting the blades tickle the palms of my hands. I looked up at the half-covered moon and felt the same feeling I always did when I was here alone; longing. I knew that someone else was out there in world looking at the moon just like me. And that was all I ever desired.
To be wanted and needed and to feel something other than the disappoint I felt every day from my parents. That was why I attached to James so quickly. He was the first person to take a real interest in me, other than in a friend way. And I jumped at the chance to find love. To feel love. Over the years that we dated, my feelings for him grew and he became the only stable thing in my life, besides Amber. I had that one person who looked at the same moon with me every night that was mine. James was someone who wanted to be with me as much as, if not more, I wanted to be with him. And I held onto what we had with all my might because he was the first person to want me.
Sometimes I think James felt the pressure I was putting on him unintentionally. He knew about my relationship with my parents and I told him how important he was to me for that reason, and maybe he took that the wrong way. Now that I think about it, maybe he didn’t want to be with me as long as we had been together. But I needed him so bad and I put my everything into our relationship. James knew that, especially considering I didn’t do anything to hide the fact that I relied on him to feel loved. Maybe he felt expected and obligated to stay with me, even if he didn’t want to be. That thought along made the guilt in me swell. Sometimes our concept of love gets misguided and I think that’s what happened with James and I.
You can try to make things fall in place step by step but it’s not something anyone has any control over. It doesn't have a specific beginning and it certainly has no visible end to those deeply in it. Love simply just happens; unexpectedly and sometimes at the most inconvenient time. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do or why you fight so hard for a cause that seems so pointless at times because unless they’ve experienced it themselves, it doesn’t exist. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds your mind, body, and soul when you're in love.
It’s an emotion that takes so much work. It’s a learning experience every step of the way. Going into a relationship, you hold these high expectations for the other person to uphold to. But that’s not what love is. Love isn’t expecting someone to do this and do that for you. It’s both of you wanting to do things for each other. Not because you have to, but because you want to.
When it comes to love, people often forget that’s it’s not just yourself that is involved. You're putting your life, your heart, your every emotion into the hands of another person who started off being a complete stranger. It makes reality become invisible and it erases all those rational thoughts that warn you when to be cautious and watch your steps. Because love isn't about protecting yourself. It’s not even about protecting the other person. It's about two people both willing to put themselves and their feelings on the line for one incredible feeling.
I thought James was going to be that guy that gave me all the love I could ever need. But I was wrong. And I’ve come to terms with that. All I can do now, is push forward with my life, move on and forget James and all that involves him and wait for love to find me on its own instead searching it out.
Ever since I was a little girl I always enjoyed nights like this. The moon and the stars peeked around the tall surrounding trees, illuminating the entire yard. I stayed practically frozen for hours as I let my mind wander. Last time I sat around just thinking, I thought about my parents and how difficult it was for me to let them go.
We used to be very close. My parents at one point were almost like my best friends. I never kept secrets from them or went back against their word. We just had a mutual understanding of everything and things were really simple for us as a family. But I grew up and I started to change, becoming more independent. The grades I was getting in school were no longer high enough and the friends I was gaining weren’t acceptable. Once I started making decisions for myself, the easy-going parents I once knew snapped and became the tyrants I knew them as today.
The thing that made me most mad was that I wasn’t making bad decisions, nor were my friends any different than me. They didn’t smoke, drink, fight, or cause problems in school. The few friends that I did have were just simple kids like me, going about their days one at a time. When we hung out we went to the movies or sat around one of our houses, just talking and goofing around. We weren’t bad kids and nothing about them caused me to change in any drastic way. I just started staying out a bit later and stopped attending the parties that my parents threw for their clients. I was sixteen by then. I didn’t want to hang out with my parents friends. I wanted to go out and have fun and be a teenager. I was growing up and that signaled a red flag to my mom and dad.
After I entered high school, nothing I could do or say would ever get them to trust me as much as they used to when I was younger. In their eyes, I was as good as useless. And once they found out that I had no desire to join my father’s company, I really became dirt. In their eyes, if you didn’t want to be in the family business, you weren’t part of the family. They would never kick me out of the house, because as much as they despised who I had become, they did still love me. But that didn’t mean they acknowledged me. We lived together but it was like living with ghosts. We avoided each other and stopped talking. Family dinners no longer included me and it became like a wall was built between us. Once that wall was built, there was no going back.
I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. The smell of rain from last night overwhelmed my senses and a small smile crept across my lips. I ran my fingers over the grass below me, letting the blades tickle the palms of my hands. I looked up at the half-covered moon and felt the same feeling I always did when I was here alone; longing. I knew that someone else was out there in world looking at the moon just like me. And that was all I ever desired.
To be wanted and needed and to feel something other than the disappoint I felt every day from my parents. That was why I attached to James so quickly. He was the first person to take a real interest in me, other than in a friend way. And I jumped at the chance to find love. To feel love. Over the years that we dated, my feelings for him grew and he became the only stable thing in my life, besides Amber. I had that one person who looked at the same moon with me every night that was mine. James was someone who wanted to be with me as much as, if not more, I wanted to be with him. And I held onto what we had with all my might because he was the first person to want me.
Sometimes I think James felt the pressure I was putting on him unintentionally. He knew about my relationship with my parents and I told him how important he was to me for that reason, and maybe he took that the wrong way. Now that I think about it, maybe he didn’t want to be with me as long as we had been together. But I needed him so bad and I put my everything into our relationship. James knew that, especially considering I didn’t do anything to hide the fact that I relied on him to feel loved. Maybe he felt expected and obligated to stay with me, even if he didn’t want to be. That thought along made the guilt in me swell. Sometimes our concept of love gets misguided and I think that’s what happened with James and I.
You can try to make things fall in place step by step but it’s not something anyone has any control over. It doesn't have a specific beginning and it certainly has no visible end to those deeply in it. Love simply just happens; unexpectedly and sometimes at the most inconvenient time. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do or why you fight so hard for a cause that seems so pointless at times because unless they’ve experienced it themselves, it doesn’t exist. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds your mind, body, and soul when you're in love.
It’s an emotion that takes so much work. It’s a learning experience every step of the way. Going into a relationship, you hold these high expectations for the other person to uphold to. But that’s not what love is. Love isn’t expecting someone to do this and do that for you. It’s both of you wanting to do things for each other. Not because you have to, but because you want to.
When it comes to love, people often forget that’s it’s not just yourself that is involved. You're putting your life, your heart, your every emotion into the hands of another person who started off being a complete stranger. It makes reality become invisible and it erases all those rational thoughts that warn you when to be cautious and watch your steps. Because love isn't about protecting yourself. It’s not even about protecting the other person. It's about two people both willing to put themselves and their feelings on the line for one incredible feeling.
I thought James was going to be that guy that gave me all the love I could ever need. But I was wrong. And I’ve come to terms with that. All I can do now, is push forward with my life, move on and forget James and all that involves him and wait for love to find me on its own instead searching it out.