I Love You More Than I Can Ever Scream

After seeing Andy and Scout kiss I ran, I ran until my lungs were burning like someone poured a tin of gasoline on them then struck a match and set them on fire. I ran to the local park and dropped to my knees, turned around with my back against a tree and started to sob.

Why? Why did she need to come back? I thought I was doing so well trying to get over him... I thought to myself. I shifted and turned around to look at the tree, it was the same tree that he had carved Sammie + Drew= BBFs I touched the carving delicately and sobbed even harder at the realisation that it wasn't true, none of it. I wanted to scream, shout at the top of my lungs, hit something, do anything just not to feel this emotional heartache that he caused me. I continued to cry quietly until my body couldn't take anymore and I was engulfed into darkness.

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I don't know how long it had been but I felt something or should I rather say someone run their fingers through my hair. I let out a soft, quiet moan and turned onto my side, burying my face into something soft and warm. I heard someone chuckle and I froze once I realised where I was. I cracked my eyes open a little and peered up. I swallowed hard and squeezed my eyes shut when I saw it was Andy.

"Sammie? What's wrong? Why did you leave so fast?" I could hear the hurt in his voice. I sat up and moved away from him a little and I heard him sigh.

"Was it something I did?" I bit down on my lip hard to refrain from screaming Yes! I saw you fucking sucking face with that fucking whore! but instead I slowly shook my head and mumbled.

"N-no.. I saw you and Scout kissing and I didn't mean to interrupt, plus I needed some time alone to think over some things." I felt him slowly grasp my wrist but I pulled it out of his hold and stood up without opening my eyes. Turning around I said.

"We had best get back..." I felt Andy get up behind me, opening my eyes I exhaled slowly then ran back home. I heard Andy call after me but I ignored him.

When I got back home I was welcomed by my brother Derrick trying to envelope me in a hug but I barged passed him and ran upstairs to my bedroom, I heard him ask Andy what was wrong, I didn't hear his reply though as I had already slammed my door shut. I collapsed onto my bed and let the sobs wrack my body once again. My body trembled violently as I sobbed into my pillow, everything just final took its toll on my and I couldn't hold back the tears any more.

It wasn't look until I felt a small hand touch my shoulder and then pull my into a hug. I let the smell of vanilla and strawberry engulf my sense of smell and I knew that it was Sandra. I gripped onto her harder and she sat there, letting me cry on her shoulder while rocking us back and forth.

Once I had calmed down, I thanked Sandra and hastily wiped at my face. She smiled sadly and murmured.

"Care to tell me what's made you feel like this?" I chewed on my lip and slowly nodded my head and began to tell her what happened all those years ago.

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After I told Sandra, needless to say she was pissed. She gave me a hug and told me that everything was going to be okay then went back downstairs after telling me to go for a shower. So I turned on my music so that it was blaring and went for a shower.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and sighed while standing only in my towel. No one will ever want me, especially Andy. I needed to come to the realisation that he never cared about me but there's this tiny shred of hope inside me that clings to the 'What if he does care?' I scoffed at my reflection, my swollen red eyed from the crying which seemed to make the green contacts I was wearing stand out even more. My wet, dull white hair that hung over my shoulders and my disgusting body and my marred wrist. Everything about me just screamed 'FUCK UP.'

I couldn't take it anymore, I needed a release, I grabbed my razor from inside the small make-up bag I kept in the bathroom. I looked up at my reflection and let a stray tear from my eye. I pressed the cold blade to my skin and just as I was about to cut again for the first time in ages when my bathroom door opened and in walked...