Waiting for a Breaking Heart

Words that weren’t anything close to intellectual fell from my mouth. I didn’t think I even knew what I was saying anymore. It had started out as a mad rant.

I was beyond a little ticked that I’d been reorganizing my entire bathroom and bedroom since Tabby was here. She’d left a week ago. I was beyond a little ticked about the whole visit actually.

First we had an amazing time at Alex’s party. Then she gets back with all of us and throws herself on Alex. She constantly bitches at me. After she’s done demeaning me she wants my help making her look good for her date with Alex.

For shits and giggles I casually brought up Kara and my conversation. Alex was too shocked to even deny it. Tabby was too outraged to know who to be mad at. Payback’s a bitch.

Bleep

I turned to find my phone on my bed. It was probably Jack sending me some random picture or explaining another crazy family story that had happened. He’s been in Lebanon with his family the entire break.

I was missing my best friend like crazy. Things like that made me crazy. Sometimes I felt like I needed a girl as my best friend. Then I got with Tabby. Then I thanked everything for the fact Jack was my best friend. I had Kara now though; we’d been much better friends.
‘Alexander the Skank

Shana will you please answer my calls? Seriously, this is immature at this point.’
I groaned and threw the phone back down on the bed. He’d been trying to get a hold of me all day for some reason.

My hands took up fixing another part of my closet that was out of order. All of my clothing was out of order. I’d never be able to find what I wanted now.

“Lorraine!” My head perked up as I heard my mom’s fragile voice call my name.

I ran down stairs in my baggy grey sweats and tight blue tank top. My hair was thrown into a messy ponytail and I only had a small amount of eyeliner on. It was one of those days where I just didn’t want to get ready.

“Yes mom? What can I help with?” I asked sprinting into the kitchen as I tightened my ponytail.

The weak looking woman turned with a smile. “You can go get dressed and get out of the house dear.” She said warmly and stepped to the side.

“You don’t have to change if you don’t want…I don’t care.” My eyes met with the tentative voice. Alex scuffed his shoes as one hand messed up the back of his hair.

My icy eyes stared for a moment before motioning for him to follow me. I jogged back up to my mostly organized room. Alex followed like a lost puppy. “What should I wear?” I asked opening up a drawer full of my skinny jeans.

“I-oh, umm…you’re giving up that easy?” He faltered looking almost pleasantly bowled over.

My teeth bit the inside of my cheek lightly. “If I just agree, you’ll leave me alone sooner.” I responded crossing my arms over my chest.
“Just put on some jeans and a jacket.”

I nodded and pulled on my slightly worn dark jeans. I searched for an old tee to throw on over my tank. I found my Good Charlotte shirt, tied it with a hair tie in the back and threw on some black hoodie I probably stole from Jack.

“Hey mom, I’m going out now. What’s my curfew?” I leaned against the kitchen frame hoping she’d say some time like midnight.

“Just come home alive. You’re eighteen in a month; I don’t think curfew counts anymore.” She shrugged.

Inside my head was not a pretty sight at the moment. When I wanted an excuse to be home early she stops caring. Fabulous.

Alex and I walked out into the night. His car wasn’t anywhere to be seen. “Alex…”

“Come on,” He grabbed my hand and pulled me down the street. I was dragged down a little dirt path that I knew led to an almost unknown park. It was something Jack and I found years ago.

I waited for Alex to explain himself. He still hadn’t given me my hand back. We walked up the stairs leading to a cozy dome on the playground. It always trapped heat inside of it, keeping the snow and cold out.

“Alex, why are we out here?” I asked taking my hand from his and sitting down to look out the clear plastic on top of the dome.

“I wanted a drinking buddy…” He chuckled and leaned back to grab a dark colored bottle.
I stood up and brushed any dirt off myself. “Fuck off. We’re not friends right now, remember?”

Alex grabbed my hand again as I tried to crawl out of the children playground. “Okay, I really wanted to apologize. I brought the Jager as a peace offering.” I twisted my head a bit to look at him. “Come on, you know it’s your favorite. And the best for nights like these. Remember one of the first times we met?”

“You, Jack and I laid under here drinking some cheap ass vodka laughing our drunken asses off.” I chuckled remembering that ridiculous experience. It was one of my favorite memories from freshman year.

Alex smiled, a true smile, and laid his back against the wood with his knees curving up slightly. I sighed knowing that I truly didn’t want to go back to my house.

“You want first?”

A chuckle passed my lips as I took the bottle from his hands and let the sweet liquid run down my throat. It burned, but I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy it.

Alex took a shot and set the bottle down. The both of us sat up and laughed at each other. “It was my idea to sit up first! You lay your ass back down bitch!”

“That’s another thing you have to apologize for now. You’re making this tough on yourself skank.” I smiled pressing my back against the hard plastic.

“I really am sorry; I didn’t mean to yell at you.” Alex pushed his hair off his face as he spoke. “I don’t think you know how terrified I was when I saw that guy grab you.” The brunette followed suit and rested against the frame across from me.

My eyes watched anything but him for a moment. Sucking up my pride in one breath I opened my mouth to speak. “I’m sorry I didn’t think…No, I’m sorry I don’t think before I act.” I paused, thinking about all the times in the past I’d gotten myself into trouble that way. “I’m beginning to realize that you care whether I’m dead or alive.”

“No really? You think?” He laughed stretching his leg out to push against my foot. I kicked him lightly in response.

A couple of shots later Alex and I were laying side by side again; each of our bodies laying in the opposite direction of the other.

“I hate how you’re constantly playing with your hair. It always looks perfect, stop pulling at it!”

“I hate how you always feel the need to tap your pencil. English is bad enough without it.”

“I hate how we always have to point out what we hate about the other.”

My glossed eyes turned with my head to look at the obviously buzzed male. Truer words had never been spoken. “I love how you’re constantly playing with your hair. It’s never perfect, but always amazing.”

He smiled with a chuckle, “I love how you always feel the need to tap your pencil. English wouldn’t be the same without knowing you were deep in thought about something.”

My breath was heavy as I tried to get past the chill still in the air. “I love how you sing with so much emotion. It’s hard to not know what you’re feeling.”

“I love that you put everything you have into your art and fashion. It lets the amazing person you hide really shine.” Alex reached his hand over his head to find mine. Placing my cold fingers in his he tightened the grip and let our hands drop on our shoulders.

“I think it’s your turn.” I shook the bottle a bit with a smile.

Alex reluctantly let my hand go and sat up to take a shot. The bottle was expectantly passed back to me. In turn I sipped the alcohol as well.

“This is not fair!” I poked his chest with a giggle. “I’m smaller than you! The alcohol will have a greater effect.” I pointed out knowing I was already not thinking totally straight. I honestly couldn’t care less at the moment.

Alex smirked and took the hand that poked him. “Which is why I drink more when I take a shot.” I shrugged, it sounded logical to me at the time.

The brown eyed boy intertwined our fingers once he was done examining my hand. “Shana, can I say sorry for something else?” He asked softly looking up into my eyes. “I’m sorry for proving what a douche I am and toying with Tabby like I did. I understand if you don’t forgive me for that.”

I laughed and took Alex’s other hand. “Truthfully…I’m kind of happy you didn’t actually like her.” I blew my bangs from my face before looking back at the boy sitting in front of me. “I’m sorry for bringing Jasey up. I know she meant something to you.”

His eyes narrowed a little bit, not in anger, but thought. “Yeah…she did. She wasn’t worth it.”

We both sat in silence like that for a bit longer. It was comfortable just sitting there with my hands wrapped up in his.

“I’m sorry for calling you ugly…you aren’t.” Alex broke the silence with a hushed tone.
Chuckles passed my lips as I listened to him apologize again. “You honestly think I’d take offense to that? I’m a conceited bitch; I know I’m not ugly.”

Alex pulled our hands apart and wrapped me in a hug. “As nice as your fancy, artsy, pretty outfits are; I like this outfit best. There’s something hot about a girl in a band tee and skinny jeans. Reminds me of Freshman year." His chest moved slowly against mine as he breathed. “You seemed a lot happier back then, not as upset.”

I blinked as he pulled away from the hug. “I don’t look pretty right now.” I said covering up for the fact that I couldn’t argue with being upset. With all that’s been going on, I couldn’t muster up a smile very often. I’d been staying in with my mom all week.

“I’m sorry…” Alex started as he continued to watch me with his warm eyes.

“For what?” I asked tilting my head a bit.

Warm lips pressed against mine in that instant. In my currently blurry world, the kiss was crystal clear. Our lips moved slowly together. Its warmth spread and butterflies began to fill my stomach.

Alex pulled away and dropped his hands away so he wasn’t touching me anymore. “I…I couldn’t help it; sorry.” He muttered into the calm moment.

A smile spread across my face before I moved to pull him into a hug this time. Shifting my weight from my knees towards Alex made me realize how much I actually had to drink. I managed to get my arms wrapped around his neck. I comprehended that we were both laughing before I opened my eyes.

Two strong arms were wrapped around my waist as my body rested on top of Alex’s. “Don’t be sorry.” I pecked his nose before burying my face into the crook of his neck.
“Do you want to go home?”

“Is that really your super charming line to get into my pants?” I asked wiggling my eyebrows with a giggle.

Alex smiled and lifted us both back to a sitting position. He held me on his lap tightly. “If that was my goal tonight, you would be much more drunk and I’d much more not.”

Laughter loudly filled the space under the dome. “Did you even listen to that sentence?”
“That is exactly what I’m trying to point out!” He exclaimed shaking me jokingly.

“Come on, let’s go act like we’ve snuck out and fall asleep in my basement just like that time in freshman year.” I stumbled off of Alex and crawled out of the warmish space into the snowy night.

The two of us fumbled, laughing like idiots, back towards my house. We giggled and shushed each other trying to feel the old adrenaline rush that came with the fear of getting caught sneaking back in miserably drunk.

The small window was unlocked as usual. I pushed it in and let Alex slip in before me. He caught my shorter frame as I snuck in after him. We closed the window and hopped off the table.

I sighed looking around the old basement. Walking towards my brother’s old bedroom, I fell back on the bed in there. Alex flopped down next to me. “Can you believe it’s almost over?” I turned to look at him in the pitch black room.

“No homework. No school. No crazy times at lunch. No constantly seeing everyone. No nights where we can forget to get back home. None of it…” I ended not meaning for it to turn so cheerless. “It’s kind of heartbreaking.”

“No, the fact that we spent four years combating each other and not enjoying all of that is heartbreaking.” Alex responded putting an arm around me to bring me into his chest.

“I’m going to miss it…” I rolled so that I could try and warm my frostbitten face against his warmth. “If all we have was that hostility…I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss you, everyone.”

“Shhh, don’t be unhappy. It’s not over yet. Even after we graduate; you don’t think we could forget you do you?” Alex coed as he pulled the both of us further on the bed.

I found myself falling asleep listening to Alex sing softly to the silent room. Sleep pulled me away from his voice within seconds.