Waiting for a Breaking Heart

My back was pressed against an uncomfortable metal chair in the typical angst ridden teenager fashion. The inside of my cheek rolled between the sharp edges of my teeth. Tapping incessantly pounded from my nails hitting the cold bars of the chair.

Waiting was the most god-awful verb ever created. I had the patience of a five year old sitting outside a candy store while her mother tries to dig her wallet out of her oversized purse. Edginess pulsed through my veins; I cracked the joints up my arms to ease the anxiety. Things should really happen with more haste.

The tapping moved from my fingers to my foot. This was becoming intolerable. I was sure my annoyance was crystal clear in my icy blue eyes.

Rushed footsteps stormed down a hallway adjacent to where I sat. They paused only for a moment before suddenly whipping me out of the seat I was in. I suppose my glossed eyes should have had some kind of reaction at this. I didn’t even look to see who had hurried to me and were now clutching my small body to their flat chest.

Perhaps if I could fall completely cold, I wouldn’t have started balling. I wouldn’t have soaked their shirt with tears and stained it with the dark makeup. As much as I wanted to become emotionally detached and let apathy seize me, it wasn’t possible.

“Shh, baby I’m here. Don’t cry babe, it’s going to be all right.” He cooed tenderly and ran a rough hand gently through my disheveled dark locks. He slowly shuffled back to that icy chair and pulled my frame onto his lap.

My chest heaved as I tried in vain to calm myself. I couldn’t for the life of me compose myself to speak. The tears continued to pour down my cheeks and leave marks in my precise makeup.

Song quietly covered my sobs as we sat there. He sang in a soothing voice to a song I hadn’t the time to recognize. I was too consumed by his voice to even care what he was saying. The fact alone that he was there was more than enough.

“Don’t let this be happening. Alex, please…” I whispered knowing I was just going to make him feel bad. I was asking the impossible of him, as always. I was asking, pleading, begging for him to perform tasks I knew very well were out of his hands.

The brunette male faded off in his song and tucked me in closer to his body. “Lor…” Alex let his warm chestnut eyes fall onto my own cold colored ones. He looked as if he wanted to say more, but couldn’t bring his lips to part. Instead he had to wrap his strong arms tighter and bury his face in the side of my neck.

He picked his face up and ran his hands across my skin until they cupped my face. Warm lips pressed softly to my forehead. “It’s going to be okay Lor. I swear to you, everything will be okay.”

My breath hitched in my throat, “How can you promise that Lex?” Water filled up the brims of my eyes again to blur my vision of the neatly dressed boy in front of me.

“The band got signed. You got into that special internship. Summer just started. Tour starts in two weeks. You’re coming with us. And we’re going to be together.” He stated with such assurance that I almost believe nothing was wrong. Everything in the world was going very right.

“Where is my wife?!” A voice raged as it drew closer followed by quieter panicked voices. “I want to see my wife!” He screamed and thundered into the small room.

I tore my gaze from the dark eyed male and looked at the new entrance. His eyes fell on mine and I narrowed them in fury. A fuming rage took over my body as it slaughtered the misery that had been residing there.

Alex’s arms fell from my waist and I moved to make a stand. A scream was boiling in my stomach; it was infuriated and riled me up further.

A tense stance held my body rigid even though Alex placed his hands delicately on my back. With an unknown ferocity my hand flew and struck the much bigger and older male. A brilliant red mark immediately filled his cheek with color. The noise resounded on the pearl white walls of the ‘waiting’ room.

The usual ice held in my eyes burned up and filled with inferno. “How fucking could you?!” I took another menacing step towards the retreating man. “You’re nothing but a low-life, two-timing whore! You’re an insignificant, filthy asshole not worth a passing glace or a worthless second of any other piece of shit person’s life.” My wrath lashed out at him in such vehemence. My sharp tongue shot off another round of perfectly timed insults. The viciousness in my tone made everyone in the room feel the cruelty I hoped to inflict upon him.

Finally, as I was about to throw more brutal words at him, Alex grabbed me from behind and stopped the sadistic rant I flung myself into. “Shh,” He whispered with his lips brushing my ears. “Now isn’t the time,” He mumbled for only me to hear.

“You don’t deserve to see her.” I finished and sunk into Alex for fear of how he might retaliate. Without my fury I almost regretted the degrading insults I’d screamed at him. Almost. He did deserve everything I said. “You deserve to be hit by a semi and run over by a steam roller.” I faded off as Alex clutched me tighter feeling that I might regain my vigor.

He knew my impulsive and temperamental nature. Like a peaceful meadow of flowers billowing in the breeze, I was volatile. When that breeze hit me I could be explosive and fire would ravage my mental state, and like the field of flowers, all it took was a tiny spark to burn and become something much less peaceful. It was an inherent trait.

Little things that seemed so negligible could be ignored. Little messes on the floor could be ignored too, but soon enough it builds up and isn’t so trivial anymore. Suddenly the inconsequential comments are cumbersome and hard to live with. Once that burdensome load is pressing on my back, the most nominal of things can light that precarious fuse.
I was hot-blooded and not looking to cool down anytime soon. With such unpredictable terms I wasn’t going to let my guard down.

“Loraine please, I love your mother very much.” He cooed like his words did anything but make me feel livid.

“Go die.” I spat still fuming and close to strike him again.

Alex grabbed my shoulders and turned me around to face him. His messy dark hair was groomed to fall perfectly today. The black slacks he wore were wrinkled from sitting the wintry chair. Smudges from my mascara ruined the neatly pressed white shirt he wore. Loosely hanging from his neck was a sleek black tie.

The first feeling that wasn’t associated with burning fury struck my heart. Guilt pounded deeper with each beat. “I’m sorry,” I threw my arms around his waist. I knew I’d dragged him from an important family dinner; relatives from England had come to visit. They were having a night of remembrance and I’d ruined it.

“Ms. Burdett?” A diplomatic voice pulled me from Alex. I turned to see who was speaking to me so formally. A doctor in complete uniform stood there with his hands wrapped around a clipboard. “I need to speak with you.”

“He has to come with me.” I grasped for Alex’s hand which he swiftly placed into my palm. The doctor paused to carefully observe Alex and then let his impartial eyes fall back onto my pathetic form. There was a slight nod and he motioned for us to follow.

“Hey, I’m the husband I think I should be included!” Mike protested and took a couple steps to follow us.

The perceptive doctor turned, “This concerns only Ms. Burdett. It is to my knowledge she is nearly eighteen, so this is only for her.” With that he continued his path to wherever we were going.

The three of us entered a small white room. There was a desk and two milder more appealing chairs than the ones in the other room. The doctor took a seat behind the desk and motioned us to sit down. Alex took his seat much quicker than I did. Everything I did was a little hesitant and skeptical. As soon as I did sit my hand was in Alex’s again.

“What is this about?” His pleasant voice asked with more courage than I would have had.

A noticeable sigh escaped the older man. “Loraine, can I call you that?” I nodded silently not caring how much I loathed the name. “Loraine…your mother is…in a compromised mental state. You realized that she...”

“Yes, I realized she tried to kill herself.” I interrupted earning a stern squeeze of my hand from Alex. “Sorry,” I muttered averting my gaze.

“I’m sorry, but we are forced to say she is no longer fit to be your guardian. Since you are under eighteen still, you can’t live with her anymore. Which means custody is given to your grandparents.”

I blinked in shock, in horror, in misery. “No,” I responded firmly. This was exactly the next spark that could set me off. “No! I refuse! Take me away from my mother, that’s criminal enough! Do not make me go live with my grandparents though! I’m going to be eighteen in one month! I’m leaving with Alex and Jack and Rian and Zack in two weeks! You can’t just come in here and tear my life apart even more than it already is!” I shouted standing from my seated position.

Alex dropped my hand. He ran his fingers down my arm in a soothing manner. “Come on Lor, your grandparents only live twenty minutes from my house. Besides, they were thrilled you were going on tour with us. This isn’t anything.” He tried to appease me, pacify the anger that was lying just below the surface.

I shrunk from his touch, turning to face him. “My mom’s dad lives here with his second wife. My mom’s mother lives in Iowa…with custody that we never bothered to change.” I ran a hand through my already ruined hair. “Cause you know, nothing bad ever happens to anyone. Nothing bad will ever happen where custody will need to be changed.” Sarcasm dripped off every word, like the tears that were slowly dripping off my chin.