Mature

I sat back at the kitchen table and sipped lightly at my steaming cup of coffee. I had been thinking a lot these past few days; about anything and everything. I had been adopted when I was a baby and finally had the pleasure of meeting Jimmy four years ago. It put a stab at my heart to know I hadn't taken the chance to visit my real mothers grave.

I had been through so much and didn't even bother to think about visiting her. But then again, I was slightly apprehensive. I don't know what would go through my mind when I got there. Did I even deserve to visit her grave? I sipped at my cup once more as I debated if I should even take the time to visit her at all.

I hadn't known my mother at all. I never had the pleasure of keeping a single memory of the woman who had brought me into this world. I had seen pictures of her and notived how beautiful she really was. I had gained a lot of her features, but had half the personality of Jimmy. According to Jimmy, I was like a younger Leana.

I pushed my glasses up my nose and felt a frown crawl across my lips. I was sitting home alone, while my parents went to work and Devin and Amy went out to lunch. I was happy to have along time at last, but knowing that I was only working myself up made me regret ever taking the time in the first place.

I wanted to call Jimmy and ask him to take me to Leana, but I was worried about what he would say. Why would I visit someone I never knew? Is that what he would ask me? I dug my hand into my sweatpants pocket and placed my phone gently on the table. I would spend the next half hour starring at it, debating on whether or not to call Jimmy and ask him to take me.

It was two cups of coffee and a half a pack of cigarettes later that I would press the ringing phone to my ear. I heard Jimmy's tired and slightly slurred voice on the other end of the line. I must have woken him up. It was early, anyway. He greeted me with, Hey, sweetheart. How are you?

"Did I wake you?"I frowned.

Not at all, Hillari. What's up?

I brushed his odd speech off and sighed quietly. I wanted to ask Jimmy to take me to my mother's grave, but I felt so weird asking the simple question. Jimmy called out to me once more when he realized I had stopped talking to him.

"I have a question for you, Jimmy. I don't know how to ask it, though."I frowned.

You can ask me anything, Hillari. Go ahead. It's not like I'll be angry with you over it.

"You might be offended, though."I admitted.

Don't be afraid, sweetheart. You - you can ask me anything.

"Are you sure you're okay, Jimmy?"I asked.

Why do you - you ask?

"You sound really weird."I said truthfully.

I'm tired, if that explains it.

"Should I call you later?"I asked.

No, I have to wake up anyway. It's okay. Now, what d - did you want to ask me?

I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. I had to ask him at some point before he grew tired of waiting. In a quick breath, I asked, "Can you take me to L - Leana's grave?"

The phone fell silent for a moment and my frown deepend on my face. Jimmy chuckled lightly, but I didn't find this funny. I was completely serious.

I think that's a good idea, Hillari. She'll be so happy to see you. When do y - you want to, um, go?

"When you want, Jimmy. I can wait and let you take a nap?"I asked.

Oh, no. I'll come over in a few, alright?

"O - Okay."I sighed."I'll be ready when you get here, Jimmy."

Alright, sweetheart. I love you.

"I love you too, Jimmy."I whispered."Be careful."

We had hung up and I changed into a pair of jeans and a t - shirt. Going to Leana's grave wasn't a formal thing, so I wasn't worried about my appearence. I brushed my hair quickly before walking downstairs to meet Jimmy. He would be here any minute, which made me slightly anxious. I didn't know how this meeting would go.

I wasn't sure if I were ready to go to her grave or not. I never knew when the right time would be, but I wanted to make it before the wedding. I shifted my purse on my shoulder and watched as Jimmy's car pulled up along the side of my house. I walked out as cooly as I could manage and met him by the side of the car.

I got inside and reached over, hugging him tightly. I chuckled when he waved his left hand in my face. I smiled and said, "You look good without the blue accessory."

"I know, right?"Jimmy's features slowly lifted up, like he was on a delay.

I didn't want to say anything, but I was quick to notice how dragged and saggy his facial features had become. He had large, dark circles under his eyes, which were also beat red, and he was very pale. It looked like JImmy hadn't got much sleep in a long time. I brushed my fingers along his arm and asked, "Are you okay, Jimmy?"

"I'm fine."He seemed a little annoyed at my question.

"Why are you angry?"I asked softly.

"Because everyone is asking me if I'm okay. I'm perfectly fine."He spat.

"O - Oh, okay."I frowned.

Jimmy began driving, but eventually, he ran his hand over my knee. With a quiet sigh, he said, "I'm sorry, Hillari. I'm just tired of being asked the same thing all the time."

"It's okay, Jimmy."I smiled."I understand."

"What made you want to see Leana?"Changing the subject seemed best at this point.

"I guess I thought it was the perfect time."I admitted.

"Well, I think sh - she'll be happy you came."Jimmy said quietly.

I watched Jimmy as he drove to the cemetery and grew more scared by the second. I had clutched onto my seat multiple times as he took risky turns and shot through yellow lights. When we got to the cemetery, I stepped out of the car and walked over to Jimmy. I gently took him by the chin, forcing him to look down at me.

"What's wrong?"He asked.

"What is wrong with you, Jimmy?"I whispered."There's something going on."

"I'm okay."He chuckled.

He seemed to snap back into reality when I questioned him on his posture. He snaked an arm over my shoulder and said, "Really, Hillari. I'm okay. I'm tired, like I said before. Why are you asking?"

"You just,"I sighed."you just really scared me when you were driving."

"I'm sorry."He frowned."I'll drive better the second time around. I promise."

He placed a gentle kiss on my head and began to walk me into the cemetery. I took in a deep breath as we passed each head stone. Some were so old they crumbled into the dirt. Others were so new they shined, even in the dim of the light. Jimmy stopped right before making a right turn and asked, "Are you sure you're ready for this, HIllari?"

I swallowed hard and only nodded my head. I don't think I was able to speak at a time like this. I followed Jimmy a few tomb stones in and stopped abruptly when he did. Even though I tried to fight it, I could feel my eye lower to Leana's grave. Jimmy took a hold of my hand and said, "Hi Leana."

He gave me a warm smile and said, "I'd like you to meet Hillari. Our daughter."

I choked slightly on my breath as he said those words. It was very different to hear that sentence come from his lips. I knelt down on my knees and apprehensively ran my fingers along the cold granite. I felt my eyes well in warm tears when I read over her tomb stone. I wasn't there when she was buried. I cupped a hand over my mouth and felt Jimmy kneel beside me.

He wrapped me into a hug and whispered, "It's alright, Hillari."

"I'm just sorry,"I breathed."sorry I never met her."

"It's not your fault, sweetheart."He whispered."But you're here now. You took the time to come h - here and say your hello's."

I picked at the dirt above her coffin and nodded my head in response. Jimmy and I sat at Leana's grave a while longer as I listened to a few stories he told me about her. I learned that day that Leana was a very fine, caring woman. Jimmy loved her very much and I think death was the only thing that could seperate them permanently.

We began to leave the cemetery, Jimmy's arms wrapped over my shoulder once again. We puffed heavily from our cigarettes, which were so much better when we were leaving. I got into Jimmy's car and watched as he wavered slightly by his door. I looked over quickly, afraid he would fall, but he pulled his driver's door open with a warm smile.

He started the car and began to drive out of the dark and gloomy location. I swallowed hard, hoping he would drive normal like he had promised when we first arrived. He seemed to be doing okay as we got onto the roads, until the first stop sign came along. The car in front of us waited for the others to pass, but Jimmy did not.

I shoved my hands out in front of me before shouting, "Jimmy! Watch out!"

I felt the car jerk to a stop slightly as we bumped into the person in front of us. I turned my gaze on Jimmy and watched as he rubbed at his eyes.

"Shit, I just hit them."He frowned.