Savior

They say it's impossible to cry 24 hours a day. Let me tell you, they're wrong. It's so very possible. I just wish I never had to experience it.
The next few days passed in a blur. I was sedated a lot of the time, either for the pain or because I was hysterical, crying out for Gerard. It didn't matter when they sedated me, because his face still haunted my dreams. But they weren't the same dreams as the one I had the night Gerard died. These were random flashing images, memories of Gerard being dredged from my mind.
I went to his funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to actually go inside the church. Instead, I sat on a bench at the side of the church, hearing the organ play as Gerard was taken from me for good.
When I was sitting out there, I let the tears flow freely. I couldn't believe he had left me. After everything, all the promises, he had left me.
There was lots of rumours and fucked up theories when Gerard was found lifeless down an alleyway with an empty bottle of Vodka and Xanax, but I knew he didn't do it on purpose. He wouldn't have done this to me on purpose. He just had too much, mixed the wrong things, trying to drown out his guilt. That was why he had started it in the first place. He had just taken it too far.
When everyone emerged from the church, following the hearse that would be taking Gerard to his final place of rest, I got up and followed them. I didn't mean to. I had planned to go home straight after, but I knew that this would be my very last chance to say goodbye to the one who had given me a second chance.
I don't know how, but I ended up at the front with Donna and Mikey. Donna looked at me through her red rimmed eyes and took my hand tightly with trembling fingers. Mikey was at the other side of her, clinging to her just as tightly. We were like a family, walking to that dreadful place together. But there was someone missing from our family, and it would never be complete again.
When we reached the deserted dirt road leading up to the cemetery, I kept my eyes straight ahead, focusing on the slowly moving hearse in front of us. I wouldn't allow myself to look to the side and remember the last time I had seen Gerard, his face clouded in confusion as I told him to run.
My tears were still streaming steadily down my face, as were Donna's and Mikey's. I could hear soft whispers coming from the people behind us, Gerard's relatives talking quietly. But the three of us remained silent. Words meant nothing to us at that point.
I didn't even hear the prayers being said at the graveside. I was too numb. I was watching Gerard slowly being buried under mounds of dirt. With every thump of soft dirt on the brown box, a part of me died inside. His grave was so close to Lacey's. It was almost cruel.
How could I have been so stupid, thinking that everything was working out for me? That everything was fine and that it would stay that way? I had been right all along, everything I love goes away in the end.
I didn't realize when the sermon was over. I was looking at the fresh grave, imagining myself beside him, together again. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and saw Mikey beside me, looking more vulnerable than ever. He wasn't wearing his glasses and his brown eyes were watering. He was so pale, and even skinnier than usual.
"Mikey." I whispered. I couldn't think of anything else to say. I was dimly aware of the other people slowly breaking away from the graveside, making their way back to their families.
"I didn't think he'd make it this far." Mikey said suddenly, surprising me with the strength of his voice.
"What?" I said, not understanding.
Mikey wasn't looking at me, staring straight ahead. "It started when he was sixteen. He just started drinking. And he couldn't stop."
I stared at Mikey, open mouthed. He knew about that?
"He was on antidepressants and everything. Xanax. The same thing he..he.." For the first time, Mikey's voice shook dangerously. "The same thing he was found with."
"Why did he start?" I had to ask. It might be the last chance I would ever have to get answers about the boy I thought I knew so well.
"My dad left." Mikey said simply. "Gerard thought it was his fault."
So, that was why. That was what started it all. But was that the betrayal Gerard had been talking about? No, that couldn't be it, I thought, remembering. That happened on Halloween.
"I mean, lots of kids blame themselves when their parents split up, but Gerard.. he was worse." Mikey continued, still not looking at me.
"All he did was drink. Mom got calls from his school all the time saying that Gerard was drunk. Eventually he got expelled."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. There was so much I didn't know about Gerard, and now I would never get to ask him. I hated myself in that moment for all the things I never said.
"He got a little better when he got that job in Skull. But as soon as he got home from work he'd lock himself into his bedroom and drink until he passed out. The next morning he'd wake up and do it all again."
I thought briefly of the pale, washed out looking boy I first met at Skull almost a year ago, and my heart broke.
"Then, last Halloween.." My heart skipped a beat.
"We got home to find the house broken into and Gerard locked into his room. He didn't come out for days. I don't know how he didn't starve... My mom lost her damn job because she stayed home trying to get him to come out.
Then, one day, Gerard came out of his room. Me and Mom were so happy. But he didn't even look at us. He just walked out of the house. He didn't come back for weeks."
"But where did he go?" None of this was making sense to me. My grief was overpowering me. I could feel the tears starting again, welling up behind my lids. I couldn't believe that Gerard had felt so lost that he had left his own family.
"He went to my dad's." Mikey replied, and I saw a strange expression flash across his face. It looked almost like anger. I didn't understand it.
"Wh-why was that bad?"
Mikey looked at me at last, tearing his gaze away from the fresh grave. "My dad hit us. All of us. My- my mom, especially. He was a worse alcoholic than Gerard."
My heart hit my stomach. Gerard, my poor Gerard. I felt an overwhelming urge to dig up the brown box keeping him from me, to wrap my arms around him and bring him back. But I knew I couldn't. The tears flowed harder, and I had to stifle back a sob.
"I was.. I was so angry when he left. To go to him. of all people..! He had put my mom in hospital countless times- Gerard, too! He almost killed her. And Gerard hurt her even more for leaving us for him." Mikey spat the last word out like it left a bad taste in his mouth.
"When Gerard finally came back, he was in even worse shape than when he left. My dad hadn't changed a bit. Gerard was covered in cuts and bruises. He had to beg Vinny for his job back, but because Vinny felt sorry for him he let him have it."
"I didn't forgive him for so long." Mikey's voice cracked, and I saw his eyes brimming with tears. "When he came back..he said he was sorry. Over and over again. But I couldn't.. I couldn't believe what a betrayal it was. To me. To mom. I didn't hold it back, either. I showed my anger. Gerard thought I hated him."
With this, a tear escaped from Mikey's eye and slid down his cheek. Mikey was opening up to me more than Gerard ever did, even when he had copious amounts of alcohol in his system.
"I told him I forgave him. And I did! I saw how sorry he was eventually. I tried to show him. but Gerard never believed me. He never felt forgiven. He felt like he didn't get enough punishment, so he started to punish himself..."
My thoughts drifted to the night when I saw Gerard's arm destroyed by angry red cuts, and I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming out loud.
"He still felt like a traitor. He felt like the worst person in the world. When you came along..."
Mikey looked at me again, his large chocolate eyes filled with grief and regret. "When you came along, Frank, I really thought he had a chance."
I didn't know what to say to that. I felt awful, guilty even, but at the same time I felt an enormous sense of gratitude towards Mikey for answering questions I had given up on.
I suddenly felt a thump on the ground near me and turned to find a shining white marble headstone that had been dropped off by two pallbearers. I couldn't prevent the groan of anguish that escaped from my throat at the sight of it. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real.
It just wasn't fair.