Sarah Smiles

“Spencer, did you know that Brendon wrote ‘Always’ for me?”

I and Spencer lay on a bed in our hotel room, staring up at the ceiling.

“Of course I did.”

My eyes shifted from the ceiling and my head whipped to the side to face Spencer, I gave him a stern look.

He turned his head to look back at me. “Hey, don’t look at me like that!” He placed the palm of his hand in my face and pushed my head back. I laughed swiping his hand off. “It wasn’t my place to tell you.”

I know I should have been head over heels happy about Brendon’s actions the night before. But to me, Brendon only made it worse. Brendon only made me fall in love with him more.
My phone suddenly began to buzz on the side table. Without getting up I reached my arm out and picked up the phone. I looked at the screen to see the words “Ryan calling” flashing on my phone. My body instantly shot up and I stared at my phone in shock. I quickly turned to Spencer panicking.

“It’s Ryan!”

Spencer’s face dropped. “What does he want?”

It wasn’t that I hated Ryan and Jon, we just didn’t get along as well as we used to. Things ended with the boys on a bitter note, and Ryan absolutely loathed that I had chosen Brendon and Spencer over him. It had been over a year since we had spoken, so I was curious to know why Ryan wanted to talk now.

“Do I pick up?”

Spencer nodded. “Put it on loud speaker!”

I answered the phone and instantly hit the button for loud speaker. “Hello?”

Ryan’s voice chimed through my phone. “Sarah! Hey.” There was a long pause. “I heard you guys were up in Chicago, me and Jon were passing through…I was wondering if you’d want to go out and catch up? Just me and you.”

Me and Spencer both looked at each other stunned. I placed my hand over the phone. “What do I do?” I whispered in panic.

“Sarah?” Ryan’s voice spoke.

“Umm.” I looked and Spencer. “Sure?” I bit my lip; I could feel Spencer staring at me in shock.

“Great!” He voice was full of excitement. “Well, we’ll talk later about the details. Sarah, I’m so excited to see you…I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“Well, I’ll call you tonight. Bye!”

I sighed. “Alright, Bye.” I hung up and threw the phone to the end of the bed.

Spencer looked at me dazed. “What did you just do?”

I pulled up my knees to my chest, and buried my face into my hands. I didn’t miss Ryan; I missed him and Jon being there with the other boys. I missed the group of four boys. I could live without seeing Ryan, but I was far too nice to reject him.

“I’m actually too nice for my own good.” I looked up at Spencer. “It’s going to be so awkward!”
“Well that’s what you get for fraternising with the enemy.”

“You don’t hate him that much do you?”

He shrugged. “Hate is a strong word. I dislike him. Brendon on the other hand, Brendon probably hates him.”

My eyes widened. “So it wouldn’t be a good idea to mention this to him?”

Spencer shook his head. “Defiantly not.”

***
I sat in a coffee shop with Ryan that was just around the corner from my hotel. I was
awkwardly stirring my coffee with a small metal tea spoon. Everything was going well and then I felt uneasy with the topic of conversation that Ryan had decided to bring up.

“Doesn’t it hurt you to see Brendon with another girl?”

There was a pang in my stomach. “Mhmm.” I muttered.

“So you made the choice to stay with Brendon and Spencer because you were in love with Brendon. Then he gets a new girlfriend, whose not you. See, told you that you should’ve stayed with me.” He tone was arrogant and I really could’ve just thrown my hot coffee in his face. “Would have saved you the heartbreak.”

“Did you just want to meet up with me so you could make me feel shitter than I already feel?” I spat at him. “I don’t regret choosing to stay with Brendon and Spencer. You haven’t spoken to me in over a year; you don’t know anything about what’s going on.”

“I know enough.” His face grew cold. “I know that you’re in love with someone who could never love you back.” I felt like I was a glass window that Ryan had just punched causing me to crumble. “He will only ever see you as a friend, nothing more.”

Words found it hard to escape from my mouth, my body was shaking. “Shut up. You don’t know what I’m going through. You don’t know anything.” I got up, picking up my bag as I did. “I should’ve listened to Spencer when he told me to cancel on you.” I turned my back on him and stormed out of the cafe. I heard him quickly follow after me.

He grabbed my arm. “Oh trust me. I know exactly how you feel.” He seethed. “I was in love with you for seven years, seven fucking years.” I turned around to look at him; his eyes were glazed with water. “Did you know how much it hurt for me to see you and him together? Did you know how much it fucking hurt to see that twinkle in your eye whenever you were with him? I wished and I prayed you would look at me in the same way you looked at him.”

The grip on my arm got tighter and stronger as he got more and more frustrated.
I didn’t understand what he wanted me to do. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t feel the same way about him; in fact I didn’t even like him anymore. Did he think that telling me he loved him would result in me returning the feelings? It just didn’t work that way, and that’s why I would never tell Brendon how I really felt.

“Ryan let go of me.”

His grip only got tighter. “What do you see in him? What has he got that I haven’t?”

“Ryan I said let go.”

He gave me a stern look before throwing my arm back at me. “You know what. Fine. Hope you enjoy being miserable.”

I didn’t reply, I turned on my heel and as I walked away I could hear him tauntingly singing.

“ Sarah smiles like Sarah doesn’t care”