Beating The Clock

"I don't want you to go," Jakob whines.

Billie has come out of the bathroom. He's slid into some rarely seen jeans, a traditional Red Sox home shirt and a hooded zip up sweatshirt. He carries his black leather jacket with him and is collecting up his things in his backpack so that he can leave for the day, when Jakob starts to walk in his way to try to distract him from leaving. I know this tactic well -- my own experiences when my father would have to go on a business trip and I tried to do anything to get him to stay.

It's the classic idea that if they can't get ready to leave that they'll get so frustrated that they'll give up and stay home instead. It seems perfectly logical to a person Jakob's age, but all it's doing for Billie and all it did for my father with me, is putting the person in the worst mood when they are leaving.

I see the signs well before Billie finally gets frustrated with him and picks him up, sliding his hands under Jakob's armpits before he sets him on the edge of the bed. Billie's fairly good at hiding his frustrations. His children get the run of his life when he can let them, but this morning he's reached his limit faster than normal. Usually, he'll make jokes or dodge subjects that he hates that are brought up, but with family he's too normal with them to beat around the bush about it so when he speaks firmly to Jakob there should be no question as to the intention behind the anger in his voice.

"Stay here Jakob." It's an order.

The kid still isn't old enough to understand that work and play are two different things and looks at his brother as if he's been smacked on the bottom or something drastic like that.

I feel for Joey and Jakob. Both the boys have seen their father work for their entire lives, but they aren't able to understand yet that Billie Joe Armstrong and their father are two very separate people. When Billie is home in California he's treated like another human, but when 'Billie Joe Armstrong' is in New York there are things that he has to do that Joey and Jakob can't be a part of no matter how good or how quiet they are. So instead of being good and quiet like Joey has been, the younger Armstrong takes the other extreme and makes a fuss to get attention. Adrienne warned me once a few months ago about this, but I've never seen Jakob be so antsy before this week.

"Honey," I say and move over to where he is sitting on the edge of the bed. He's now taking the clothes that Billie left on the bed and throwing them on the floor into a pile. I pick them up and start to fold them into piles. Jeans on one side, white Hanes brand T-shirts on the other side and in the middle the various T-shirts he's brought to New York with him. "Jakob sweetie, your brother doesn't want to go--"

Jakob brings out his most pathetic voice to speak with, "Yes he does."

In Jakob's eyes, at least for the moment, work is number one with his father and no matter how much that actually is a reality for this morning, it would never be the truth when it came down to things. Billie always puts family first. He schedules things around birthdays and holidays and special events in his children's lives, but this morning with the schedule that Billie has and the importance of this week in general, a pouting little boy isn't something that he can stop to remedy.

"Crap. I need to pack all this shit up so we can go to LA tonight, don't I?"
"Yeah." I turn away from Jakob. "Pack up the bulk of it, I'll check around for the rest and make sure that Jack and D grab your bags."
Billie nods and only glances at Jakob.

It's a wonder that this boy lives and breathes on the days when Billie is in one state and he's in another. His pathetic pouting makes it seems like he hasn't got a friend left in the world. "He always has to go because the stupid girls are screaming at him if he doesn't go."

My head snaps immediately towards Billie and there is no mistake about the emotion that is in his eyes. He's gotten the first guilt trip in a while from his son, of all people, and it's like a dagger to his heart. He's told me about how he feels bad leaving his family at home all the time and its one of the reasons that Adrienne, in the past, had seemed to be on the road with him a lot. He gets homesick like the next person, but really he feels bad because his kids get homesick for him too.

Today is Jakob's first time to actually voice it to his father in that manner. He's said other things that would give the hint of how upset he was, but never actually saying that he believes that he comes behind the fans when Billie makes his decisions.

"Billie," I say when he doesn't speak. I don't like the blank look in his eyes and the fact that I'm not going to be with him for the rest of the morning worries me. I'm sure Sonia and Wes will keep an eye on him for me, but my neurotic little brain won't let go of the idea that all hell breaks loose if I'm not in the same room as him.

"You know what?" he says with an even tone to his voice. I can hear him trying to keep the emotion out of his words, but soon you can tell that it's anger that is behind his words and even more, you hear the hurt that his son's words have caused. "I really need to get out of here." He pushes me away when I start towards him. He ends up standing in front of where Jakob is sitting. "Jakob, I haven't got time to sit here and argue with you. Either you hug me good-bye or you don't, but either way I need to go with Wes to work."

My head snaps back to get Jakob's reaction and all I see is the little ball of crying boy. My sympathetic side wants to curl him into my lap and hug him and tell him that it's going to be okay -- basically baby him for the rest of his time in New York. The other more selfish side of me has other reasons that I don't want the little guy to cry. The biggest is the fact that I know that it's tough to calm him down and I don't want either of us to have the stress of going through that.

The boy holds his arms out to his father and is sobbing wildly. "I don't want you to go. Why can't you come home? I'll be good." He sucks in two deep breaths of air then hiccups and holds onto his chest for a moment. "Owe--" He rubbed his chest from the force of the hiccup. "I won't mess up the playroom or leave the video games out." He pauses. "And I wasn't the one that put water on your shoes. It was Mommy who left them out on the porch when the sprink--" He hiccups again and winces painfully. "I didn't do it."

Joey slides up next to me as Billie moves across the room to Jakob. Joey is completely confused about how to act at the moment. I would be too if I were him. Joey went through his separation anxiety thing when he was smaller too, but somehow he and Billie came to the conclusion that it didn't do either of them good to get too over emotional about it. Nowadays they say their good-byes in a more grown up way. It's too bad though that his father misses out on the tears that Joey sheds for him. If he saw them I think it would make his leaving even harder on him.

I see that Billie has tears in his eyes and is keeping his lips tightly shut and looks away from his son's pain. He holds him in his arms and looks as if he's going to squeeze the youngest Armstrong boy to death. This is the part that I hate the most about my day, about my job, and about my life. If we could take the boys everywhere I know that we would, but it's not good for any of them to be together that much and even worse for them to be apart that much.

"I know dad doesn't want to go," Joey says in a soft voice.

"He really doesn't Joey," I say and hug him against me.

He's being very withdrawn for his usual self. He's been packing up his backpack and Jakob's and cleaning -- basically avoiding the whole scene in the living room -- and I understand why. I think Joey knows that if he's quiet and doesn't make a sound that Billie will respect him more. Of course he'll cry and be upset when his father finally leaves, but Joey knows that his brother would want to see a smile on his face rather than the opposite reaction that Jakob is sharing at the moment. "You guys will see him soon. I know that he's got a weekend off for your mom's birthday so he'll be back home in maybe two weeks?"

When Billie looks like he's ready to put Jakob down I walk over and take him from his father.

He doesn't look me in the eyes for a moment then finally makes eye contact as Jakob hugs himself against me and hides his face against my neck. "I'm good," he mumbles.

I pat his back and wave Billie towards Joey. "I know you are sweetie. Daddy knows that too."

Joey hugs his father tightly and when Billie picks him up, with a struggle and a faint mumble that he is getting too big, and stays there for a moment without moving.

Taking everything in.

I know if I don't do something soon that they could stand there forever. I want to say my goodbye to Billie and I'm more than sure that he needs a quick pep talk right now. "Jakob, you should wash your face off and maybe we'll eat the rest of those pancakes before we have to leave."

He nods against me, but when I look down his eyes are stuck on his father across the room. "I'm going to put you down real quick and make sure that daddy has everything he needs before he leaves and then I'll come back and we'll go get you your key chain."

He nods again and when I move to set him on the couch he grabs up the pillow and hides his face.

"Joey?" I say as I approach the two. "Why don't you help your brother wash his face off then we'll get out of here and shop a little. I think we might have time to go to Toys R Us in Times Square if we get there early enough."

Joey pulls away from Billie and waves then goes over to his brother.
"They'll be fine," I say.
Billie's eyes travel with his brothers. "Make - make sure that -"

"Billie," I say and move in between him and his children. "Billie, look at me for a second."
"What?" he says and makes eye contact.

My hands reach out and cradle his cheeks. "Sweetie. They'll be fine. I think Jakob didn't get enough sleep last night."

His eyes avoid me for a while before he locks gazes with me. "You'll stay with him?"
"I'll carry him if I have to," I say trying to reassure them that his children will be taken care of, even if it's not him that takes them to the plane.

"You--"
"Billie," I move and kiss him. I can taste the salt of his tears on his lips. "Sweetie -" I look him in the eyes and then press my cheek to his trying to calm myself.

The adrenaline rush from the kiss I just gave him has my whole body buzzing.