Beating The Clock

She's still staring at me. Open wide staring eyes, the kind of eyes that she hates to be on her, but doesn't seem to have trouble using on another person. She doesn't even blink. It's almost as if I'm staring at a photograph of her. She doesn't move, doesn't speak and I swear doesn't take a breath for the longest time.

I hate when she does that. I know she's concerned and I probably gave her the impression that she needed to be concerned, but really I just want her to go back to paying attention to Billie and leave me alone. I'm ten years older than her—at least—and I don't need a mother figure. Yeah it's nice to know that someone cares, but right now she's staring me down like there is this huge secret that I'm keeping from her. What the hell is wrong with people these days? Can I not have a bad morning and do it in peace? Billie throws a fucking fit and people work around him and when I have a little edge to my voice people look at me like I need counseling or something. Fuck this. I went through this enough with Beverly and I don't need Vivian doing the same hovering act that I've already dealt with for a lot of my life.

Finally I can't stand her silence any more and I'm forced to say something to her, if nothing else just to have her blink or look away or something. "What?"
"Nothing," she says softly. "I think we're all ready to go if you are ready to hit traffic."

I've hurt her feelings. She's got that typical womanly pout going on. The one that eventually makes you pity them. On anyone else I probably would just laugh at them, but with Vivian I want to apologize because now I feel like an ass for acting that way, but she doesn't let me.

Her hands move over her shirt to straighten it then moves to her hair to do the same before she smiles. "I think Jayden is going to sit in the back with Billie so I'll sit up front with you."
"Okay."
We stand there for a second more before she finally turns and heads towards the house.

Back and forth. Back and forth. I swear to God above that my life is all about back and forth. Yesterday it was back and forth to the car, the week before it was back and forth from the West Coast to the East Coast. This morning it's back and forth to the kitchen.

When I return Jayden is standing and Vivian is helping her tie her shoes. She knows better than to be asking someone to tie her shoes. She's known how to do it for years now. With my attitude this morning it takes a lot of work for me to not snap at her. Instead I groan out my words, "Pumpkin, you know how to tie your shoes."

I know full well that if Beverly were here I'd get a beating for letting her be helped this way. Beverly believes in independence. She and I have always believed that Jayden would be able to do most things on her own and having her shoes tied is seriously more than a few steps back from where the both of us have thought she should be.

"It's okay," Vivian says looking up at me from her crouched position in front of Jayden's feet. "I replaced them a cool way, so I told her I'd tie them up for her."
"Cool way?"
"Like Billie," Jayden beams and points her toe. All the laces are in parallel lines across the top of her foot instead of zig zagging like normal.

"That is cool," I say feeling for the second time today like I'm going to say and do the wrong things all day long. I move to the counter and go through the two backpacks that are sitting there. I make sure that everything is in my backpack. I don't carry much with me, a phone, a schedule, a pack of gum, my wallet and an extra cell phone. I check to make sure that Jayden has everything she'll need. Today it's a book, coloring book and crayons and her game boy. I add extra bottled waters and a small plastic container of wheat thins just to make sure that there will be something around in case she gets hungry.

"Daddy?"
I look down at her and see that she's smiling up at me. "What pumpkin?"

She takes a deep breath then looks at Vivian before she looks at me. I don't know if she's shy to talk to me or if she just needed to make sure that she wasn't interrupting, but somehow she seemed to need Vivian's encouragement to speak to me. It's not something I like and I find myself frowning about it. I don't even feel the sides of my mouth pulling down, but when I see Jayden frowning I know my expression has changed.

I smile.
Jayden smiles back. "Can I sit in the front seat?"

It doesn't really matter where she sits. We're going to be parking in the studio lot so I don't have to worry about everyone on the street getting to her. I can have her get a window seat or sit in the way back. Anything other than the driver's seat is up for grabs.

"You don't want to sit in the back with me?" Billie comes into the kitchen, cocky look on his face. He's got a bag over his shoulder and a smile on his face and doesn't seem to be at all upset about me being loud earlier.

Jayden's crush is coming out. At her age I don't know really if it's a traditional crush, but I know that she loves to spend time with him and he seems to love to hang out with her. "I can sit with you?"
"Sure," he says then looks at me. It's definitely an after thought, but I appreciate that he thinks of me when he speaks to her. "If it's okay with your dad."

"I don't get to sit in the back?" Vivian asks with a faint frown.
Billie shuffles his way across the room, half dancing his way to her and puckers his lips and kisses her. Vivian doesn't seem to be too excited about it, but kisses him anyway. "You can sit with me later Viv."
"Thanks," she says and moves a finger across her lips then moves and wipes his lips too.

I try to ignore the banter between Vivian and him. He's leaned near her ear and is talking to her, sweet things that a man says to a woman when they're in love.
"I'm sorry we had to wake up early this morning," he says.
"It's okay," she says back.
"One of these days we'll sleep in and--"
"Billie," she cuts him off. "We can talk about this later."

He leans and kisses her again then looks over at me with this smile on his face that throws me for a loop. He's definitely in love with her. I can tell by the tone in his voice that there are other things he'd like to say to her that he might say in front of me, but won't say in front of Jayden.

"I'm not done with you yet," he says to Vivian.
"Is that a threat or a promise?" she says breaking character for a moment.
I try to turn my attention elsewhere, but it's not hard not to notice the way she blushes immediately after saying that. I never like to eavesdrop, but it's hard not to in the kitchen where there really isn't anything to distract myself with. In the car I could tune them out and listen to the radio and watch the traffic. In the plane I had my walkman and a book, but in the kitchen it's just me and them and Jayden.

Normally I don't think I'd be that hyperactive about it, but this is the first time in a while that he has been with someone that didn't have their own security. Now it's just me myself and I and for the most part I feel like I'm taking care of the two of them instead of just him. It's not a burden, just more to watch out for, more to be on my toes about.

"Can we go?" Jayden whines and goes and pulls on Billie's bag.
"Yes," He says with a slightly mocking tone, "We can go."

On the way to the car Jayden holds onto Billie's hand. I remember forever ago when she'd do that to me. My hands are huge, big chubby fingers and a palm that is clearly too big for a child to hold onto. Beverly used to hold onto my little finger and Jayden had taken up the habit. I hate to say that I'm seriously jealous that she's doing that now with him.

I turn my eyes to the keys then close the door to the house. I notice the car is now inside the garage and I wonder if Paul or Adie has gone out to get gas in the car. Making gas stops in the middle of a busy day is a pain in the ass.
I hit the garage door opener and then click the car alarm.

"You got your door Vivian?" I ask as she moves around the car. I say it partly to dig into Billie that he probably should have opened her door for her and making sure that she knows I would have opened it for her if she wanted me to.

"I got it," she says with a laughing smile. I like this new more relaxed Vivian. For the last few months she's been in this kind of funk. I think it was partially because Billie was stuck out in Virginia Beach with me for a few months and not talking to her. When he and Adie parted ways the boy was devastated. He'd get pissy at me for just sitting in the same room with him and when we'd go out he'd start acting like a two year old trying to ditch me like he used to when Green Day first started. Finally we had basically a knock down drag-out fight and he settled down, but he's only really felt like the same old Billie in the last few days since the promotions started and he and Vivian started to hang out more.

When he opens the back door for himself he steps back and lifts Jayden into the car. He's careful with her, cupping her under her arms and lifting her carefully so that he doesn't drop her. With his children he would have just thrown them into the car, but with her, he sets her carefully inside as if she's made of glass. "God you're getting big girl. What's in that backpack of yours?"

"Toys and food," she says. She turns around to face him and smiles. "Backpack."
He slings off his bag and kind of throws it at her. It knocks her a little bit, but she soon is pulling it into the car and pushing it into the middle seat before she crawls across into the far seat.

I sigh and crawl into the front and find Vivian pushing her backpack into the back seat as I'm starting the car up. She takes mine from me and pushes it into the back also. "Make sure her seatbelt is on," Vivian warns and turns back around towards me. "You know where we're going right?"

"Yes Viv," I say and I hear Jayden in the back seat laughing. "What's up, Pumpkin?" I ask turning around to maneuver the car out into the driveway so we can make our way down the hills into town.

"Daddy always knows where he's going," Jayden says in a sing-song voice. "Mommy said that he's the only man in the world that asks directions."
Billie and Vivian and I all laugh at her antics. I thought she'd be a little shy today, but it seems as if her sleep and the coco puffs that Billie gave her are working their magic.

The city streets around the house are fairly quiet at this time of morning. We've missed the commuters for the most part—the Buffy's and Biff's that drive the twenty five or so miles out of the hills every morning in their little Volvo's and BMW's. I know that sounds shitty to make fun of their cars like that since I'm normally in expensive cars that you could use the car payment to make house payments with, but I just can't imagine some happy little homemaker couple trying to shove 2.5 kids into the back seat instead of doing like Billie does and shoving speakers into the back end.

I sigh when I see the traffic on the bigger streets. We'll probably get stuck in a bit of it once we hit the freeway. Los Angeles is famous for that. Just when you think you're going to have a nice day and not a lot of people between where you are now and where you want to be... BAM, some dumb ass driver jackknife's a big rig and you're stuck in the parking lot that people in southern California refer to as Highway 101 or the 405—fuck it. It doesn't matter which one it is, they're all the same during commute traffic.

No one in the car seems to care though and normally I wouldn't if I wasn't driving. Los Angeles sucks like that. Unless we're going to some fast ass party, I'm always the one that is stuck driving since I grew up around here.

We pull onto the freeway and Vivian starts up the air conditioning and turns on the radio. We listen for a short while before we hear Green Day's song.

"That's you on the radio!" Jayden says loudly from the back seat and starts to sing.

Don't wanna be an American Idiot
Don't want a nation under the new mania
And can you hear the sound of hysteria
The subliminal mind-fuck America

Welcome to a new kind of tension
All across the alienation
Everything isn't meant to be okay
Television dreams of tomorrow
We're not the ones you're meant to follow
For that's enough to argue

I look in the rear view mirror and can see Billie's eyes are lit up and watching Jayden. I know that he's excited about this album, loves playing the songs and all, but I think really his biggest joy right now is looking out in a crowd and seeing his fans singing his words back to him. Jayden singing to him is better than a shot of espresso in the morning.

The high of the moment almost gets me caught up into their little world in the back seat, that is until I hit traffic on 101. "Hell," I sigh and reach to pull my backpack out so I can get my phone.

"I got it," Vivian says and pulls the backpack up into her lap. She digs for a minute then holds up two phones. "Which phone?"
"Either one," I say knowing that CS's number is going to be in either phone. I need to call him to tell him that we're going to be a bit later than I'd thought. I know also that Vivian will take this clue and call the studio and Barry to tell them that we're in traffic.

I dial CS's number and Vivian turns down the music.

Jayden starts to protest, but I hear Billie distracting her. "Do you know how to play war?" he asks.
She tells him that she does and they get out the cards and all I hear from them is shuffling cards.

"CS," he says into the phone as a car slides in front of us. I really want to open the window and let some air in--and let some frustration out. It would make me feel more like I'm in Los Angeles, but with security concerns, opening the windows is probably the last thing I want to do. Who knows who might just jump out of their car and approach Billie's window to get an autograph if they see it's him.
"Hey man," I watch traffic and catch some of the conversation going on in the car, little bits and pieces of Vivian turning around to see what Jayden and Billie are playing. It almost seems like the perfect little family. Vivian and I as the parents with the kids, in the backseat. "We're on our way, but I figure we'll be about a half hour later than we thought we were going to be."

"Traffic?"
"It's Los Angeles," I say with a laugh.
"New York and Virginia have spoiled you," he says then I hear him flipping papers around on his desk.

New York and Virginia especially have spoiled me. Virginia Beach has like zero traffic compared to Los Angeles or New York and the whole lifestyle is different. Yeah it's got its hotspots and when Billie went out at night we'd find our share of problems, but for the most part I just hung out in the studio room and read or went and worked out for a little bit while he was writing.

It was relaxed, almost what I imagine retirement will be like for me. I've been thinking about that more and more lately, but I'm not sure that I can give it all up soon. Maybe I'll just settle in LA and work with CS or something. I know I can get a permanent local job if I want, but I'm not sure that I want that yet. There are a lot of advantages to being on the road even though I'm away from Jayden so much.

He's silent for a moment before continuing the conversation. "As far as I know the taping of this mornings show ran a little late so I don't think it'll be an issue. Barry showed up and the band and dancers are having a little breakfast so all we're waiting for is the head honcho to show up."

I laugh. Head honcho. Well of course he's the head honcho, but to me he's still the snot nosed little brat who thought that staying in the Holiday Inn when we went to New York during Green Day's recording sessions was something special. "We'll be there soon enough. I'm sure Viv is calling up Barry and the others right now." I turn to see her talking on the phone. "How's the crowd looking?"

"Pretty much the same." He drinks his coffee and I hear him swallow. "There are two extra guards on the gate to make sure that you can get the car through, but inside it's pretty calm. Lots of extra kids around this place today, but other than that it's a regular work day here."

"Typical," I say jealous of the word typical.

Nothing really is typical in my life. Not really anyway. I can say that it's typical behavior that happens around me, but my definition of typical isn't what most people would consider typical. Seeing naked breasts during a concert, underwear on stage and having people hide inside the guy's hotel room is typical around me, but I'm sure the average person would consider that atypical.

I glance around to make sure that I'm in the right lane if I do decide to get off and take a side street. It'll take me just as long to get there, but at least we'll be moving. "I'm gonna click off and see if I can't sneak my way through traffic. I'll give you a call in a half hour if we're still stuck."

When I hang up the phone I hear a snicker in the back of me and then I hear Jayden's voice. "Are we there yet?" She bursts into laughter and I laugh along with her. Today is going to be a long day, but with her around I have a feeling that it's going to be a little more interesting than normal.

"Don't encourage her," I say to Billie, who immediately knows it's him I'm talking to.
"That was all her," he says.
"SURE it was," I say with a laugh.

"Daddy?"
"What Pumpkin?"
I glance in the back seat and see her with her coloring book across her lap now and markers in her hands. "Can I sing with the band today?"
"You have to ask Billie that," I say, "It's his band."

"If you want you can come to sound check with me," he says, "I don't think Tre or Mike will mind to let you sing for a minute or two...maybe Tre will let you play the drums a little if you're nice to him."
"If I make them pictures will they let me?"
"Maybe." Billie says. "It never hurts."

What hurts right now is that I'm busy today and that I won't be able to spend that much time with her. During the press junket I'll get to sit down for a bit, but for the most part I'll be on my toes covering everything and everyone in the place.
101. It might be the name of the stupid highway, but it also describes how many minutes it has taken us to get from the hills down into the valley. I swear the governor of this state needs to take a clue from the other busy cities in the United States and set up more public transportation. Even in Virginia Beach they had other ways of getting to work besides sitting on a freeway for over an hour.

At this point in my day my knees and ankles are starting to hurt, which usually doesn't happen until the end of the day, after a concert or something where I'm standing on stage and stressed most of the time. This morning hasn't been the best stress wise. The radio has been on and for the most part I've been leaned back in the car seat with the window open a bit since Billie insisted a half hour ago that he wanted the windows open.

He and Jayden have been trying to count cars or play some silly game to see who is going to win the race to get off the freeway. If this were a family vacation I'm sure we'd start singing songs or playing "I spy".

"How many points do you have?" Jayden asks. I glance in the mirror and she's counting on her fingers.

"Ten," He says looking at her from where he'd been staring out the window.
"What are the rules of this game again anyway?" I ask trying to distract myself from the cramp that has formed in my Achilles tendon of my right foot. Driving around in LA in stop and go traffic should be considered a work out for the calf muscles. I swear my right foot is stronger than my left just from pressing on the gas and the brake all morning. I move my left foot to the brake and twist my ankle around a little bit, noticing that Vivian's watching me do it.

"I'm getting old," I mumble.
"Sure," she says with a laugh.

Jayden leans forward in her seat, "I told you Daddy, every time we pass a car we get a point and every time that car passes us, we lose a point."

"Who's winning?" I ask.
"Me," Vivian says from next to me.
"You are not!" Jayden says.
"That's right," Billie pipes up, "Once we clear that Beemer I'm going to be the winner."

I slam on the brakes when I don't pay attention to how close I am to the car in front of us. Everyone looks startled. "Sorry." I try to look out the window to distract myself.

Los Angeles sucks for traffic, but it also sucks for cars. You get in an accident here and you're either hitting into an eight thousand dollar BMW or you're hitting into a gardener's truck that should have died in the seventies. Either way you're gonna get sued if you get into an accident; a fact that I'm reminded of when I let off the break for a moment and the car pulls forward a little too much before I put my right foot back on the brake.

"Are not," Jayden says sounding young for her years all of a sudden.
"Are too," Billie argues. Trust him to not even let a little kid win at a game. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but having the competitive nature that he has doesn't lend him to loosing even if it is to someone about a third of his age.
I put my hand to my forehead and sigh. This isn't going to be a fun day. If them joking like this is getting on my nerves then I'm going to have real issues later dealing with the teenies. Why girls wait outside all day and sometimes all night long to see Green Day is a mystery to me. After sitting out all night and basically all morning they're a horror to try to control.

I sigh again. I need a drink, should have grabbed something from the fridge before I left, but I didn't think about it. I'll grab something from the green room maybe. I hope they got the rider list. It's not a big one when, but having a good Snapple during the day and a cold beer at the end of a night after work is done really comes in handy.

"Okay, okay," Vivian says glancing at me. "Are your father and I gonna have to pull the car over and let you walk to the studio?"
Both the passengers in the back seat turn towards each other as a look washes over their faces then they turn to pout at us.
"Look," Vivian says tapping my shoulder. I glance back and crack up as the two of them keep their faces in pouts.
"You guys are so silly," I say making a face back at them before I notice that our exit is coming up soon.

"I win!" Billie yells from the back seat.
"Let's play cards," Jayden immediately whines when she realizes that she's lost. She instantly pulls the cards out and has dealt out a game before I can look back again.

The smells of Southern California are unique, but driving on 101 really isn't where I'd figure the smell of vanilla would permeate the car. There's those flowering plants that they have between the different directions of traffic. I can never remember the name of them, but sometimes when it's really hot and you're caught in traffic it starts to smell pretty good, even over the exhaust fumes. I don't really even notice the change in smell for a while, but see where it's coming from when Vivian turns around in her seat and holds the tiny bottle out to Jayden so she can have some.

"Smells good," Billie says over the top of his cards. I can see in the rear view mirror that his tongue is between his lips and he's giving Jayden a look as if this is the World Championships of Poker; something he's picked up watching too much television when on tour. He looks as if he's about to win a few million dollars instead of just a few cards to add to his pile.

It's funny how young he seems when he's with Jayden. He doesn't put up a front with her. This is true excitement in his face with a little extra sarcasm for Jayden's sake. It's the most real reaction I've seen him have to people in a long while. Vivian brings this out of him, but since he and she haven't exposed themselves to the outside world as a couple most of the moments that I've seen him like this are few and far between.

"Vanilla bean--It was in the gift bag from the VH1 Awards--some new company--I don't know how to say the name," Vivian says towards Billie then moves her hands a little. The smell of her and the lotion fills the front of the car. I take a deep breath and hold it. That's one thing I miss lately. I hate not having the smell of a woman around.

Beverly used to be big into perfume and scented shampoos. It was never overbearing like some women can get into it, but just the right scent. I could usually smell her before I saw her. It was aromatherapy. Yeah, that's it, it was aromatherapy, but well, after the divorce it because such a turn off. If I smell mint sometimes I think of her and there are certain perfumes that if I catch a whiff of I swear that I want to throw up. It's amazing that a smell can do that.

Vivian's shoulder hits mine as she leans over the seat and she's laughing now. "Hold out your hands you little wiggler."
"Okay." Even though Jayden seems to be intensely into whatever game they're playing, she puts her cards down into her lap and holds out her hands to Vivian.

When the bottle makes one of those farting noises Jayden starts to giggle and Billie soon joins in. You'd think that a thirty-three year old could curb his attraction to sick noises, but he never has gotten passed that. "Dang girl," he says with a laugh. "You're so gross."
"Yeah--" Jayden says, "Katie should have called Vivian Stinky instead of Billie." She rambles on. "Do you still have that baseball jersey?"

A small hush falls between Vivian and Billie. Jayden won't understand what she's done. It's not her fault that she said Katie's name. I see the worried look on Vivian's face and the way that Billie turns towards the window, setting his cards down.

"It's like perfume," Jayden says with an excited voice after she starts rubbing the lotion into her skin. She sounds as if she's getting more of a present than just vanilla hand lotion. I know that Beverly doesn't let her get into make up or anything like that. She's still too young for that, but scented lotion isn't something that is going to draw too much attention to her.
"Yep," Vivian says then looks at me and tries to keep talking so that it doesn't sound so quiet in here, "That's okay, right?"

I shrug. I don't care. Even if it was a problem I'm sure it'll wear off by the time we have to meet up with Beverly. Besides, my thoughts are no where near Beverly or Jayden at the moment. It's kind of funny how my job description says security, but really the only thing I've been doing lately is saving Billie from himself.

That sounds so dramatic to say, but I swear some days I was the only person that saw him. Adie would come to him and he'd sit and stare at her with this blind look before she got frustrated and left him there alone. I'd sit in the kitchen and he'd sit in the living room in front of the television, or I'd sit on the stairs, just out of sight and listen to him in the kitchen. There were a few days that I really worried about the kid, but so far he's been looking more towards the future then wallowing in the past.

I look over at Vivian and she's looking a little relieved that Billie is even talking. We both know that if he gets into one of his moods that the rest of the day is going to be hell.

I'm about to see if I can get an eye on Billie, but he's leaned against the window with a hand to his forehead acting like he's got a headache. It's a typical reaction. Easier to explain a headache away than a heartache away. He's done a good job so far of keeping it together and I have to think that Vivian has helped. He needs a woman around him that will give him shit, but do it in a supportive way. She's not going to let him act like a brat, but at the same time she knows when he needs to just have a hug.

"You okay BJ?" I ask. Vivian would have probably asked in a minute, but having her ask makes it seem like we're babying him and in this case we aren't. I'm worried that Jayden will get her feelings hurt and I don't want that. She doesn't deserve that.

He closes his eyes and turns his head up a little.

"Getting too hot in here?" I ask. I don't want to caudle the boy but at the same time he is my boss and I really can't tell him to get over it. I know that his divorce with Adie hit him hard. He was full on in love with the woman and even though I don't know every single detail of it, I know that he walked away from the whole thing a different man than he walked into it.

"Headache," he says opening his eyes. He makes eye contact with me in the rear view mirror.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Vivian motioning towards Jayden He turns his head and sighs. He must see that she's worried about him. He soon makes a face at her which causes her to laugh lightly. It's not her normal full out laugh, but at least shows that she knows that things will be okay.

"Are we almost there?" Billie whines.
"Yeah Daddy," Jayden whines. She's leaned over and taken Billie's cards away from him. Her eyes stay on him and she looks worried as if she knows that something she said or did was wrong, "Are we almost there yet?"
I clear my throat and move around in my seat a little. I need to get out of this car before my knees lock up. "A few more miles in this then hopefully city streets will be clear."

The music stays up until I hear Jayden says something in the backseat. Her voice is soft and she has to repeat herself twice, but she finally gets Billie's attention.

"Billie?"
"What Darling?" he says with a weak tone.
"Did I give you a headache?" she asks.
"No sweetheart," he says and catches my eye in the mirror giving me an apologetic look. "I'm just getting tired of sitting in the car."

His phone rings and he reaches for it. "Speak to me--" He says into the phone. It has to be one of the guys or he wouldn't speak to the person that way.

I look at the disappointment on Jayden's face as she leans back in her seat and turns to look out the window. While Billie is distracted with the phone she seems to be keeping herself busy by watching the cars outside and kicking at Vivian's seat a bit.