Beating The Clock

When we leave the building, Joey skips ahead a little. I would normally have been worried about him, but when he catches up to Loni who is about to open the door across from D, I calm down. Jakob, on the other hand, insists that he hold onto my hand. He's wearing a backpack that's probably big enough to pack himself.

We're going to have to pile in the car on the way back to New York. I don't realize this until I start counting seats and counting people. Loni is joining us which is cool because I love the dude like a brother, but it means that we're crammed into the car.

Joey crawls in the car first after D unlocks the door. D has known them forever too and jokes with Joey about him getting taller too quickly as he climbs in.
"Do you want me to sit in the back with them?" Vivian asks as I'm picking Jakob up to put him into the car. "There isn't much room back there."

"No," I say, "I'll sit with them." I hold my hand against Jakob's back as he climbs around the seat to get into the very back. I know his balance is pretty good, but I don't want him to fall backwards and get hurt, partly because I don't WANT to have to deal with Adie and taking him to the hospital when my schedule WON'T let me take him. "Knowing Joey and Jakob, they'll be asleep after five minutes anyway."

"Will not," Jakob says from where he's already putting on his seatbelt. He's slipped out of the backpack and I can see Joey poking at it to keep it off his side of the seat. I know I'm gonna have to sit between them.

"Will too," Joey says.
"Hey!" I protest and lean my head into the car. "You guys need to quit it. I don't even want you to start this whining thing right now." Vivian laughs a little from behind me.

"What?" I ask pulling myself from the car again.
Still trying to keep a smile from her lips, she motions towards the back seat. "They sound like you."

"Come on guys," Loni says, "We need to get back to the city."

I throw my bag over the back towards Jakob and he catches it. It hits him in the face a little, but he ignores it when I don't say anything to him about it before asking, "Can I have some gum?"

"How do you know I have gum?" I ask.
"You always have gum." God he's getting smart.

I'm going to have to watch him a little better these days. He's getting to be too much for me. He finds it in the pocket of the backpack and pulls one out and starts to chew. It still amazes me that he's this little person. I guess I'm used to Joey being little and growing up, but with Jakob I can't help but to stare at him and be proud of him for even the simple thing of breathing. He's become more independent in the last few months it just blows me away.

"Are you allowed to have gum?" I ask knowing that sometimes Adie would take that privilege away if he wasn't being good.
He nods heavily, over exaggerating the movement of his head as his teeth bit down on the gum in his mouth. "Mommy says that the dentist bought his house cause you chew so much gum."

I laugh at that as I slide into the back section of the car. It's going to be a snug fit, but I wouldn't wish the boys on anyone else, knowing that in about five minutes they are going to be getting antsy.

Vivian crawls in the car and turns around after securing her seatbelt. "Buckle up boys," she says.
"Okay Vivian," the three of us in the back say.

Loni and Wes climb in, D gets into the driver's seat and we finally head out of Philadelphia towards New York.

"Can we play cards?" Jakob asks.
Why do I panic when he asks me stuff? I've had the boys with me on the road before, but somehow right now I'm all over the place when it comes to dealing with them. "I don't have any," I say.

"I do," Joey reaches into his bag and pulls out a deck of cards that have Harry Potter on the back picture sides of them.
"Harry Potter cards?" I ask leaning over to look at them.

He pushes me away. "Yeah," he said, "I got them last year when the movie came out. They were in that basket you got from the movie people."

"I did?" I hand them back to him. It sucks that I get so many things in the mail that I don't do anything with. The Harry Potter thing I remember getting, but I gave it to the boys after finding out that it was mostly kids stuff. Other baskets have been given to charity or passed around the group until most of it's gone before the crew kids or production kids get their hands on it. "I knew I should have kept that basket."

"Do you want to play Vivian?" Jakob asks still chewing his gum noisily. He seems to have become Joey's partner in crime for the moment.
"Sure," she says and turns around in her seat for a while. "What game are we playing?"

"Go Fish," I say knowing that it's the only game Jakob can play that involves so many other players. There are some other kid's games that he's good at, like Memory and Sheutes and Ladders, but for playing cards he's a simple guy.
"Ohhh," Vivian says with a dramatic frown, "I don't remember how to play that one."

"It's easy," He says. He gets that cocky little look on his face that screams of my influence on him. I can hear Adie in the back of my head telling me that I need to discourage him from that, but for the moment he's having too much fun with it.
"You get five cards and you get to ask us if we have a match to your card in our hands and if we do, you get it and if you don't we get to yell GO FISH!"

"Hey," I say as Joey moves his backpack out of the way, moves Jakob's backpack out of the way, then shuffles the deck on his lap. "Why don't we just SAY go fish, because D is driving and we don't want to startle him?"
"We always yell it in the bus," Jakob says.
"The bus is bigger," I explain. "We need to keep it down."
"Awe," he says.
"We'll play again tonight and be able to yell it," Vivian says.

It kills me to have Vivian being so nice to me. I'm not sure if it's for the sake of my brothers or if I've been out of it for the last few months, but she must have gotten laid or something because she's never been this mellow before. "We will?" I ask.

Vivian cocks her head to the smile and looks to me like she's flirting when she pushes her hair over her shoulder and directs her smile at Steven. "One game before they go to sleep is okay."

"When did Mom say that you had to go to bed?" I ask my sons knowing that they will give me two different times and then Loni will probably give me the real time that she told him no doubt a million times before they left California.
"Ten," Joey says.
"Nine-thirty," Jakob says only over estimating the time by about a half hour since that seems to be a long time in his life, especially when talking about staying up late. The only nights he gets to stay up that I know of is if there is an awards show on so he and Joey can see me on television.
"Nine," Loni says.

"But--" Jakob immediately says.
"Your Mamma told me nine o'clock and if you stay up late I get in trouble and I'm sorry for being selfish, but I'm not getting grounded because you stayed up late," Loni rumbled out.

"Mom can't ground you!" Jakob says, "You aren't her kid."
"Well I know that the next time I see her she'll get mad at me."

"Like when you put Daddy's hammer in the pool," Joey said.
"Okay. Okay," Steven says.
"Wait," I say. "You put my hammer in the pool?"
"I didn't do it on purpose," Jakob said.

"Well make sure you're in your pajamas by nine and then we'll turn on a movie because I know by that time you'll be tired," Vivian says with a soft voice, "You guys have to go to school day after tomorrow and I know you need your sleep."

"Can we pick the movie?" Joey asks.
"Yeah," she said, "I think I can get you copies of whatever you want."
Jakob flips his hands up into the air and yells, "YAY!"

Joey's cards, my cards and the cards that Joey was trying to hold out to Vivian go everywhere.
"Jakob. You big stupid!" Joey yells.
"Hey now," Vivian says before I can. "Don't say that. It's just cards. We can pick them up and play again."

"Yeah," I say reinforcing the idea that I don't like them fighting and calling each other names.

"He always does this though," Joey says.
"It doesn't matter," I say feeling myself becoming more and more short tempered as the seconds tick by. I love the two of them, but right now I've not gotten enough sleep to deal with them. "Be nice to him. He's smaller than you."

"So."

I look at Vivian and for an instant see pride in her eyes. I'm not sure why there is pride there, but it's there. "So would you like it if I called you a big stupid?"
"No," he says.
"Well then don't call Jakob that either."

"Why don't I put on the game," D says from the front seat.
"Yeah," Vivian says.

***

I must have fallen asleep because I feel myself wake up with a start. My whole body twitches and I let out a sharp breath into the car that makes Vivian turn around so by the time my eyes open she's staring at me with a concerned look on her face.

"You okay?" she whispers to me leaning a little over the back of the seat.
My mouth is pasty, like that hung over cotton mouth. I must have been sleeping too hard or something.

I start to move and Vivian puts a hand out. "Be careful or Joey and Jakey will fall over."

I turn and look at them then reach and rub my eyes. Sitting in the middle of the car leaves me not being able to see much of the outside. I can see that it's starting to get dark. I didn't realize that it was going to get dark this soon. It feels like midnight, but I can see from the clock up towards the front of the car that it's only around five o'clock. "Where are we?"

"We should be back to the hotel in a little bit. We got stuck in traffic from an accident just outside of Philly for about an hour. I was surprised that you didn't wake up."

"I needed the sleep," I say. "Have they been out for a long time too?"
Vivian nods.
"Thanks for helping out with them today—" I hear the start of a song playing up front and frown

Vivian turns around and whispers something to D and he flips the channel.

"Thanks," I say.
"No problem," she says and lowers her eyes to look at the back of the seat she's sitting in. "I'm sorry about this morning."

"What?"
"I'm sorry that she showed up and—"

"I should be the one apologizing to you. Katie had no right to say what she said about you. She's looking for some excuse to bring this fight back into the ring, but I'm done with it." I sigh and lean my head back and stare at the roof of the car. "I'm probably done with most girls for a while."

"What about Adrienne?" Vivian asks.
I don't know why it's important to Vivian to know about all this.

I move Jakob from where he's lying on my shoulder and put him so his head is on my thigh so he can sleep better and so I can stretch my arm. I reach and cover my face. "You're lucky that you're single Vivian," I say, "You don't have to deal with this shit all the time."

"Sure," she says with a soft voice, "Lucky."
"It's better than having three girls upset at you."
"Three?"
"Katie is pissed because she got caught, Adie is pissed because," I trailed off. "She is. And Willa is pissed at me for ignoring her. No matter what I do I always seem to have women upset with me."

"I'm not upset with you," Vivian says.
"You don't count though," I say quickly and try to ignore the hurt look that washes over her face. "I mean you should be pissed off at me. I'm nothing but trouble."
"You aren't that bad," she says.

"I wish I could date someone like you," I say not realizing probably the magnitude of the statement I've just made. "It's nice to have a girl around that doesn't complicate my life."

"There's always your mother," Vivian says.
"Yeah," I lean and make sure that Joey isn't going to fall out of his seat.

"Momma and I have this strange relationship going on right now. It's nice, but at the same time sometimes I wish that I could find a version of her personality that is my age to hang out with. She's been my best friend forever and I think the only reason why is that she accepts me despite whatever bull that I bring at her."
I sigh. "Adie did that for a while and I think that's why I was in love with her, but now—" I can feel this gloomy mood come over me and I know this can't be a good thing.

"Right after we broke things off I spent about a week in my hotel room in Los Angeles." I laugh a little as my nerves get to me. "It's funny sometimes when I think about that week and how crazy I must have been." I sigh and look out the window.

"The sale of the new house was going through and I didn't want to stay with Mike or Tre so I booked myself into a hotel room and never left it. It must have looked strange for me to be there, but at that point I didn't care. I couldn't go home and see my mom because she'd baby me too much and I couldn't go see Daddy because he's gone, so I stayed in Los Angeles in the dark and basically cried my eyes out the whole time. At one point I swear I was sick as a dog, just puking up every thing I ate and I don't know if it really was the flu or if it was just be feeling shitty, but I was seriously in hell."

"You should have called me," Vivian said, "I think the worst thing that a person can do when they are depressed is be alone. Even if you're with someone else and still crying your eyes out, at least there is someone there to help out."

"You wouldn't have wanted to see me," I say. "I was a bastard that week."
"I would have—" Vivian stops speaking and turns back around in her seat.
"You would have done what Vivian?"

She folds her arms across her chest and is looks down so I can't see her face. I wish that Joey and Jakob weren't sitting next to me or I would have crawled over the back of the seat to talk to her. "What Vivian?"
She shrugs at me. "Nothing."
"Come on, tell me," I say.

She flips back around after a moment and looks me straight in the eyes. "I wouldn't have done something like that to you. I can't believe that she's made you like this."

"Like what?" I ask in a harsh whisper wondering what she could possibly be thinking about me at this point.
"Like this," she motions with her hand. "You're the most romantic man I've ever met in my entire life and the fact right now that you're saying that I'm lucky to be single and that it's over for you and women is heartbreaking."

"What?" I ask.
"Billie. It's men like you that give girls like me the hope that there is still a prince charming out there somewhere waiting to come and rescue us."

I sit back and take a breath. That's a big set of shoes to fill. Basically being called Prince Charming could give a person a complex.
"You know what?" I say angrily. "I don't get you Vivian."
"Don't get me?"

"Why the hell are you such a bitch to me most days?"
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"I want to know why you seem to see me as this Prince Charming kind of personality, but you treat me—"
"I'm jealous Billie," she says. "I spent my entire life taking care of everything for you and I don't get the perks that come along with that."

"Perks?" I ask.
"Think about it." She pauses, "Who buys your Christmas presents for you? Who makes sure that you always have clean clothes? Who brings you breakfast in the morning and makes sure that you have coffee and makes sure that you're not late to things?"

"That's your job!" I argue.
"Yeah well maybe I don't want to do that job anymore."

"Fine then." I definitely do not understand how we got from talking about Katie and Adie to talking about her wanting to quit working for me. "If you want to quit then I guess I can't keep you here. Since I'm such a PAIN to work for."
"Billie that's not what I was trying to say."

"I don't want to hear it Vivian," I say, "If you were thinking this all along you should have said something sooner instead of waiting, what... five or so YEARS to bring this up."

"Billie—"

"We're here," D announces as the car pulls up to the curb.
"Hey Loni," I say leaning forward. "Can you help me get the boys upstairs?"
"I'll carry Jakob."
"It's okay," I say, "I wouldn't want to BURDEN you with any work."

***

Struggling through the lobby with two half asleep kids really is a pain in the ass. It makes me glad for all those times I've used a condom in the last few months and for that one time when God didn't make it so Katie was pregnant. I'm not ready to be a daddy again just yet and I know it within five minutes of dealing with Joey and Jakob.

In the elevator I ignore Vivian. She's watching me with her eyes, but keeping her head turned away. I wish that things weren't this stressed, but I can't help it. She's just basically told me that she hates her job duties and essentially hates me. I wish things were different, but it looks like its going to be another one of those days. The people in my life that should be loving me are either upset with me or are cranky.

Loni laughs a little as Jakob starts to snore in my arms. "I bet you ten bucks that when these boys get in their room they'll be wide awake."

"Put them in my room," I say. "I don't want them to wake up and be by themselves." I yawn. "Do I have anything more to do tonight or am I free?"
"No," Vivian says with anger in her voice, "I cancelled all the stuff tonight so that you could spend time with your kids, but we have an extra long day tomorrow morning because I rescheduled stuff."

"Fine," I say, "I'll be up most of tonight anyway."
"I know," she says in a soft voice.
Vivian stays quiet the rest of the way to our floor. When we pass by her door she pauses for a moment. "Do you want my help with the boys?" she asks.
"No."

She doesn't argue with me. Her shoulders sag a little and she turns towards the door. "Night Billie. If you go out give me a call and I'll baby-sit for you."
I'm still angry about her comment before. "I'll get Loni if I need a babysitter."
"Fine," she says and turns into the door that I know is hers. "I'll get you in the morning when we need to leave for the first interview."

I hate this. I've just probably messed up yet another thing in my life. It's just my luck that now that I'm on my own and doing well in my career that the other parts of my life are going to hell. I've been trying my hardest to stop destroying the things around me, but tonight it's a losing battle. "I'll be awake, but come and get me."

My feet are slow as I walk down the hallway and follow the guys into my room. I throw my backpack down onto the chair and pull out my phone to plug-it in then kick out of my shoes, take off my jacket and look for the remote.
When I find both my sons staring at me from the couch I try not to snap at them for staring. "You okay guys?"

"Can we get dinner?" Joey asks with a yawn. He takes a seat on the far end of the couch from Jakob and sighs like his life is stressful or something. Being that young is a blessing that I'm not sure he'll ever understand.

"Yeah."

My phone rings and I pick it up without looking. "Go get the menu out of the desk drawer," I say.

"Hello? Hey Adie," I say with a smile. Earlier it had depressed me to think about not being around her, but now that I'm done for the day I can relax and enjoy the sound of her soothing voice. "What's up?"

"How are they?" she asks.
"Good," I say and sigh. I move across the room and help Jakob get the drawer open. "We're going to order dinner soon."

She sighs, "That's good. How's Vivian?"
I give the boys the menu and the remote and tell them that I'm going into the bedroom.

"What's wrong?"
I sit down on the bed and close my eyes. "I think Vivian quit today."
"You think?"

"Well we were talking about some stuff today and all of a sudden she's saying that she has to do all these things for me and doesn't like it so I think she's going to leave."
"Billie," she says, "I doubt that Vivian would just leave like that. She likes her job. I know that she does."

All of a sudden the stress of the day reaches me. I move into the bathroom and close the door. I sit on the floor with my back against the wall and let the sobs that I've been saving up from this afternoon finally flow. I don't even know if Adie can understand me when I talk, but I start to explain what's on my mind. "Katie was in the city today and I ended up seeing her on the street, then she showed up at MTV today and I'm standing on stage during TRL and--" I sob out a huge breath. "I can't handle this Adie. It kills me to see her and to sing that song and there isn't a soul in the world that understands. Including you."
"What about Vivian?" I hear her say.

I sit up a little. "What about Vivian?"
"She was there with you, right?"
"Yeah," I say, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Vivian worries about you," She says. "She called me a little while ago and we talked a little. She's worried about you. She says you need to sleep more and that--"

"What the hell is she tattling on me for?"

I hear Adie click her tongue against her teeth. "Billie, please don't make--"
"Don't what?" I say feeling more anger. "Everything I touch turns to shit." I start to cry and I know it's going to worry Joey and Jakob if I'm crying like this.

Part of the reason I stayed away from Berkeley was because they didn't need to see me like this. I was really messed up over the summer and it definitely wasn't the mood I needed to be in when they were around. I start to remember that she probably hadn't intended to call for this long-needed chat.

"Honey, where are you?"
"In the bathroom with the door shut. The boys are watching TV and trying to figure out what to eat."

"You need to calm down or you're going to scare them."
My lungs ache and my eyes hurt and I'm thrown back to a few months ago when I'd spend a week or so feeling this crappy. "I can't help it."

"What happened this afternoon?" she asked.
"I was in the lobby of MTV and Katie accused me of fucking Vivian instead and that's why I wasn't with you anymore," I say. "I snapped and kind of yelled at her."

"BILLIE."
"It wasn't like a scene or anything," I say, "I just told her what was on my mind and why you and I weren't together anymore."

"You did?"

My hand traces the lines on the space where my hand has fallen. "I told her that I knew that we messed around wrongly and that's why we are like we are."
"Then what'd you do?"

I find myself shrugging even though she isn't here to see me do it. "I said sorry to Vivian for what Katie said to her."
"Is that why Vivian is quitting?"
"I haven't got a clue as to why she's going to leave." I sigh. "I can't have her leave. I don't know what to do without her. She's the only other woman besides you that really even half know me."

"Then apologize, give her a raise and then apologize again."

My head spins as I try to think of something to say. I can't decide if I should be upset with Adrienne for trying to give me such a simple answer to a complicated matter. I should be patient and listen to her. I should listen to her. She's got more experience at this than I do.

"I don't know what to apologize for."
"She's probably just tired. I'm sure things will be fine in the morning." She sighs. "I'm going to let you get back to your sons. Keep your chin up. I think you're just tired and I think Vivian is just stressed out. You'll be okay and I'm sure she won't leave."

I wipe my face on my arm and sniff back what I'm sure is a noseful of snot. "I love you, Adie."
"I love you too, Billie," and I love how we can still say that to each other. "I think you just need some sleep and you'll be better. I'm going to call you tomorrow afternoon when the numbers are out for your album, okay?"

I sniff again and wipe my nose again. "I almost totally forgot about that."
"Are you nervous?" She asks.

"I don't know what I am," I say. I take a deep breath. "I better go check on the boys and get them dinner and into bed before it turns 9pm or you will kill me."
"Tell the boys that I love them."
"Okay." I hang up the phone then wipe my face and pull myself together a little. Pushing myself up I go across to the sink and wash my face.

"Can I get chicken nuggets?" Jakob asks as soon as I'm out into the room again.
"Sure," I say as I sneak over to the counter and grab some tissues and blow my nose.
"Can I get a cheese burger?" Joey asks.
"Sure," I say.

I move across to the phone and dial room service. A younger woman answers the phone, "Yes Mr. Armstrong?"
"Can I get an order of chicken nuggets, a cheese burger, a bacon cheese burger, fries with all of those and three cokes?"
"Right away," the woman said, "Is that all?"
"Yep," I say, "I think."
"Just call if you need anything else," the woman said.
"Thanks."

I put down the phone and look at the television. "What are you guys watching?"
"Hockey," Joey says. "Dallas is playing Toronto."
"Really?" I ask and move across the room to sit down between the boys.

At the first commercial break a few moments later I turn to Joey. "Did you finish your homework?"
"Yeah," he says.
"Are you sure?"

"I had math problems to do and my English homework was to read so I read a book at the library."
"What'd you read?"

"Why were you crying?" Jakob asks.
"Because girls are stupid," Joey answers for me.
"Did mommy make you cry again?" Jakob asks. "Or was it that other girl?"
I bite my lip to keep from crying. "What do you know about your mother making me cry?"

"She said that you didn't come to Joey's soccer game cause she made you cry and you were too sad to come to visit."

When did my boys start watching Dr. Phil? I don't understand how they know about this. I mean I guess it's naive to think that they haven't heard something come up about my relationship with Katie and the divorce and all that, but to sit here and hear them talk about it startles me.

I pull Jakob over into my lap and hug him. "Remember when I told you that your mom and I were going to be friends, but not be together as much anymore?" I ask.

"Yeah."
"Well that makes me sad."

"Then don't do it," he says. "Be with her again."
"She doesn't want to," I say trying to leave the harshness out of my voice. "She and I got into an argument and right now we don't get along."

He looked at me sideways. "But you're still her friend?"

"Jakob you're too little," Joey says, "Mommy and daddy broke up because he went out on a date with the other girl and didn't tell mom. Mommy told you why they don't hang out together, but she also told you that they are going to be friends again someday and that Katie isn't mad at us."
"I remember." He nods.

I sit back thinking that it's all settled, but it seems like tonight isn't my lucky night. The boys knew Katie. They knew everything.

"So why were you crying?" Jakob asks.
I shrug and try not to tell him the whole reason. It's too complicated for him to understand that my assistant I think just confessed her love for me and I've pushed her away and pissed her off and now she might be quitting and that my career my go down the toilet because I'm so pissed these days and that basically my life is shit.

"Your mother called and I got homesick because I missed her."
"I miss mommy," Jakob frowns, "but I don't cry."
"That's good," I say.

We watch the game for a bit. I figure that they're into the game, but I know that it'll be easier to get them to bed now if they get into their pajamas before they get cranky. "How about you boys get into your pajamas?" I suggest. "We'll eat dinner and we'll finish watching the game then get to sleep."

"Can we play go fish?" Jakob asks as they both go to their backpacks and pull out sweatpants.

"Would you be able to play anything else?" I say and smile as I grabbed him.

"Good," Jakob says, "I'll get Vivian." He runs for the door and is out in the hallway before I can stop him. By the time I jump up from the couch and get into the hallway he's already knocking on the door to her room.

"Vivian!" Jakob says, "Come over and play Go Fish."