Out Of Time

2 days later!

I parked my car in the hospital parking lot after finding a spot. I took the folder of Lena’s school assignments from the passenger sit and step out of the car and close the door behind me. I hit the alarm button from the control of my key chain and walked toward the hospital that Lena has been staying in for the past three days.

I walked into the hospital and headed toward the elevators passing the pharmacy, Cafeteria and lobby. I push the button once I reach the elevator and waited then looked around there were not too many people around. I looked down at my watch and it read 5:45 pm. I breathe out as I heard the ding of the elevator signaling that it arrived and the doors slide open.

“Oh hey Chris.” Alexi said in a friendly tone with a smile on her face.

“Hi.”

“Are you going to see Lena?” she asked looking at me as we stood on the doors of the elevators keeping them open.

I nodded.

“Oh okay. She is talking to the lady counseling lady now. I guess they are having a session. I am going to head over the cafeteria to grab a snack and then come back when they are done.”

“Okay. I’ll just wait then. I have to give her these.” I said waving the folder in my hand.

She smile at that. “Okay, so I’ll see you later.”

I nodded at that and she walked away. I step into the elevator and the doors slide close. I press the four button and whistle my way through the ride till I arrive on Lena’s floor. The doors close and I step out and walked toward her room. The door was a little bit open I could see Lena sitting down on the bed wearing gray sweats with a white shirt and her hair was parted in two braids.

“So how you are feeling today, Lena?” a lady’s voice asked coming from Lena’s room.

I breathe out and sit down on the chair next to the door out of sight waiting for Lena’s counseling session to be over.

“I am doing good.” She said sounding honestly and I smile at that. “How about you?”

“I am fine. Thank you. I am sorry our session had to start late today. I have too many patients to see today so I hope that it’s okay with you that we start now.” The lady explained. Her voice sounded like she was an easy going honest and friendly person.

“Everything is fine. My mom will come by tonight because she is working and to be honest I rather talk to someone than to spend the day laying in bed at my four walls.” She said in up beat friendly attitude that I knew so well.

“That’s good to hear.” After a minute later and some paper flipping she asked “I understand that you have been keeping up with your school work. That’s excellent.”

“Yeah, Chris has been bringing them over every day.” Somehow I could picture her shy expression on her face along with a smile showing her beautiful dimples.

“Chris, your ex-boyfriend, right?”

“Yeah, but he is my friend now.”

“That’s good. I also gather from your mom that he has been there for you ever since…the night you were almost rape.”

“Yeah, I guess you could call him my hero. In a way.” she said at first so excitedly that it made me blush which I didn’t seem to mind at all then at the end she sounded sad for some reason.

“Why would you say that?” Mrs. Lowell the counseling women whose name I suddenly remember asked her wanting to know.

After a minute fill with silence I heard Lena breathing out and said “I rather not talk about it.”

“Why not?”

I suddenly feel myself wanting to know too.

“I don’t know.” Lena’s voice said sounding not sure of what she was talking about or feeling about it.

“Lena, I am here to help you but in order to that. I need you to talk. Talk about your feelings, your fears everything. Just let it out. I am here to listen and help you in any way that I can to make you feel safe and better all over again.” Mrs. Lowell said trying to reach out to her.

I could heard Lena’s shaky breathe almost as if she was crying. She took a deep breathe then let it out.

“I am afraid.” She confess truthfully. “I am afraid because even though he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel afraid at the same time.”

“Why? Why are you afraid of Chris?”

“Because he hurt me. He hurt me so much.” Lena’s said in a shaky voice as she cry even harder.

I could feel the pain of her words as she said it.

“How did Chris hurt you, Lena?”

“He…He…He made a bet about….he made a bet about my innocence with his friends. I meant nothing. I was just a bet. It hurt so much to find out that the only reason he went out with me was because he wanted that from me. I liked him so much. So much and now I am afraid that he will hurt me again.” She said crying even harder and I heard her moving out of the bed taking a few steps away from it.

“Do you think that he will hurt you? I mean from what I know he save you that night and has been there for you ever since.”

“I don’t know if he will. He might.”

“It’s that why now you only see him as a friend? Because you are afraid he might hurt you once again.” Mrs. Lowell asked wanting to know as I started to feel unworthy of myself.
I hurt Lena. I hurt Lena and here I was thinking that everything between us were going to be okay now when in reality she was afraid of me. Afraid I might her again. I feel a sudden tinge of pain under my skin spreading all over me. My hands started shaking and I feel tears gathering in my eyes. I reach up and my hands through my hair. I took hard hold of it and press my fingers hard against my skull.

“He meant something to me. He was special. So special. But now every time I think about been close to him like the way we were I feel nothing but pain. Not only from that night but from him. Do you have any idea how hard that I tried to forget every single thing that he made me feel? He made me feel special and lucky to be dating an amazing guy but now that I know how he is I don’t know if I could trust him.” She said crying even harder as I started to feel tears rolling down my cheeks. “Chris was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. He was special. He might not be perfect but he is my friend. I don’t know if I trust myself to trust him again or worse be with him again.”

“Why not?”

“Because I thought that I knew him but I didn’t. All I knew was a lie. Chris is not the person that I thought he was. Not after he hurt me.”

I stand up from the chair as soon as she finished that sentence making the folder fall out of my lap. I made my way through the emergency escape feeling nothing but a sudden increasing tinge of pain all over my heart, almost as if it has been wounded. I open the door and started to feel tears coming faster. Luckily no one was there to see me.

“Why? Why are you afraid of Chris?”

“Because he hurt me. He hurt me so much.”

Their voices said resounding on the back of my mind like non stop movie. I lay my hands against my knees as I lay my back against the wall trying to hold myself together.

“How did Chris hurt you, Lena?”

“He…He…He made a bet about….he made a bet about my innocence with his friends. I meant nothing. I was just a bet. It hurt so much to find out that the only reason he went out with me was because he wanted that from me. I liked him so much. So much and now I am afraid that he will hurt me again.”

I started to feel myself shaking in pain as their voices resounding in the back of my head.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” I scream loudly in the empty soundless emergency stairs. I put my hands against the metal bars of the staircase that lead downstairs all the way down to the first floor. I feel my hands shaking even more and I took a tighter hold of it. I heard the door been open and without a word been said I run all the way down the stairs to the first floor. I clean my tears away and open the door and walked through the hallway that lead outside of the hospital.

“Chris, did you see Lena already?” Alexi’s voice asked stopping me in my tracks. I flinch at her name been mention. I told myself not to turned around to face her instead I keep my back to her.

“No, she is still…in counseling…” I said slowly then bite tongue hard not wanting to said anything else. My left hand started shaking but I formed it into a fist hoping and praying for the strength to hold myself together once and for all.

“Oh, weren’t you waiting to visit her?”

“Yeah but I have somewhere else I need to be. I’ll see her later.” I said half honestly and walked away without looking back.

***********

I stare out the window looking up at the blue sky as I started to feel more tears gathering my eyes. I clean my tears away. Why did she wanted to know this? Why was she making me say these things that I knew I feel deep inside but was afraid to let it out? Because even though it was truth and it hurt. Part of me will be afraid but the other will always be safe because of him. Because of Chris. I knew from that moment he found me that day.

Flashback

“Lena.” he said when he found me in the park that rainy day underneath the tree with my head buried in my knees as I continue to cry.

He slowly reach out with his hand and lay out on my back. I jump from the touch and move away from him. I looked at him knowing very well that my eyes were reflecting fear in fear from the touch.

“Don’t touch me.” I cried out in pure anger.

He reach out toward me again and took my face in his warm hands as his eyes looked over me but I wasn’t really seeing him.

“Lena, it’s me. It’s Chris.” he said softly and gently trying to comfort me.

My eyes locked with his instantly. “Chris.” I whisper with tears falling down on my face as my skin tremble from the cold air of the rain.

“It’s me. It’s okay. It’s okay.” he said as he pulled my head close to his chest and I took hold of his arm tighter as he rock me back and forward. “I am here. It’s okay.”

I started to cry more harder than before as I lay my face against his chest.

“I finally found you. I’ve been worry sick. You are going to be okay now. I promise.” he said whispering to me softly.

“I hate him.”

“I know.” he said understanding.

“I hate the way he touch me and the things he said to me that night. I hate the way that I feel his lips on mine every time I close my eyes at night.”

My body started to tremble along side of his as the rain water drops got even colder as well as the breeze. I feel the rain spilling out my hair.

“I hate the way that I every time I tried to go to sleep I can’t because I can hear him breathing. I can hear his voice.”

He pulled away from me and make me looked at him in the face. “Lena look at me, look at me.” I said and I did with a teary vision. “Everything is going to be okay. Okay. I won’t let him hurt you. Not anymore and not ever. Okay. I promise. I promise you that.”

I started to shake her head.

“Lena, you can trust me alright. I came for you that night, didn’t I?” he asked me looking a tme. I nodded as my head move in his warm hands. “I came for you. You have to know that I will do it again in a heartbeat. Okay. I am going to be there for you not matter what happens. No matter what happens.” he said as his tears gather in his eyes from the looked of my eyes.

I started to cry even harder as I saw tears starting to flow out of his eyes. I have never seen Chris cry before? Now he was crying with me? Because of me. Because some part of me knew that he was feeling the pain that I was feeling.

“Lena.” he said hugging me tighter against him.

My hands went around his waist and took a hold of the back of his jacket tighter.

“It’s going to be okay.” he said as he help me stand up on my own two feet but even though it took me awhile he was there helping me.

After that I suddenly felt like I slip into a black hole but when I woke up he was there. He was the first thing that my eyes lays on.

End of flashback

“Lena?” Mrs. Lowell asked me after a few minutes fill with deep silence. “What are you thinking about right now?”

I breathe out after the sudden memory fade away before my eyes at the sound of her voice. I turned around to face her.

“I am thinking that even though I might not know him then, I know him now. He might not have been perfect but he was in a way. I mean no one else was there for me when he was.” I started to confess what I was feeling deep inside of me after getting rid off of all the hurt that has been bury inside of my heart for a long time.

Flashback

“Is it okay if we get ice cream?” I asked stopping myself looking up at him as we walked outside the library after a study session.

He rolled his eyes at me for a second. “Ice cream.”

“Yeah, I feel like eating or chewing something cold.” I said as my hands started to tremble and I hold them together hoping he won’t notice.

He looked down at them then looked back at me. “Are you okay?” he asked looking concern.
“Yeah.” I said honestly with a smile. “So ice cream is it okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Pretty please.”

“Lena I have to take you home if I don’t…”

“Please, Chris. I want some ice cream.” I said and he suddenly looked down at me. I didn’t even realize that I have move while begging for ice cream and that my hand accidentally was holding his shirt.

I took a deep breath as my eyes looked up at him. I smile as I smell the manly sweet scent of him coming from his body. I miss that scent so much.

“Okay. We’ll go for ice cream.” He said smiling at me as his eyes started to glow with the
light that was hitting them from the street lamps.

“Yay.” I said happily and reach up and hug him.

His arms went gently around my waist as he hug me back. He lay his head on top of mine. I hug him tighter but gently as I realize how much I miss this. I have hug him many times before but this particular hug was especial somehow. It was full of happiness and magic that were so hard to describe all at once. I smile as I continue to take his scent to me.

“Thank you for always for been with me, Chris.” I said honestly as I turned my head to looked up at him. His head was leaning so much to close to mine that I suddenly feel breathless at the beautiful sight of it.

“You welcome.” He said reaching out with his hand that he remove from around my waist and put my hair back in place since it was moving against the night cool wind. His fingers slowly stay there at the side of my face. His touch was so powerful and gentle even full with kindness.

End of flashback

I smile happily at the sudden memory. I looked down and without even realizing it I was holding my necklaces. My angel necklaces. The necklaces Chris had given me.

“Lena….” Mrs. Lowell started to said but I step in wanted to said something before

“Chris is like my guardian angel. Like my own personal hero. He helped me and make me feel safe. He was there for me.” I said as I walked toward my bed and sit down facing her face to face.

“What are you saying?” she asked me looking confuse.

“I mean that it does not matter that he lie or bet to get to me. Nothing matters because I know in my heart that I already have forgiven him even though I am afraid to say it out loud. I have. He might not be perfect but no one ever really is. We all have our faults. Mine is not telling him that I forgive him but I am going to. Because despite my words a few minutes ago, I am weak when it comes to him.” I said truthfully as Chris’s heart melting smile appear on my mind.

“You still have feelings for him?” She said looking at me like knowing eyes.

I looked back at her confuse. Did I still have feelings for Chris? I meant he did make me feel safe and at times weak at the sudden touch of his hands on mine or even closeness. But did I feel something even more that I have felt before toward him?

“Don’t know yet. But someday I will know.”

Mrs. Lowell smile at me in a friendly way and said “That’s a good answer.”

****
I never knew that. I never knew that Lena felt that way about me. I never knew she was afraid of me hurting her once more. I took a hard hold of the steering wheel with my shaky hands as I drove fast without a sense of direction of where I was going or even headed. My gas tank was running more than empty for the past two and half hours of driving.

“Chris was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. He was special. He might not be perfect but he is my friend. I don’t know if I trust myself to trust him again or worse be with him again.”

“Why not?”

“Because I thought that I knew him but I didn’t. All I knew was a lie. Chris is not the person that I thought he was. Not after he hurt me.”

Their voices said once again inside of my head that it made me hit the break and the car suddenly stop pushing me forward since I wasn’t wearing my seat belt. I started trashing myself inside the car hitting everything that my hands lays on then I pass my hands hard against my hair hard wanting the nightmare of their voices to go away. It was nightmare. They were a nightmare. Eating me alive.

I lay my head against the steering wheel crying even harder as I feel more pain in my heart. My heart was wounded I couldn’t believe it. Lena’s words wounded my heart in more ways than one. How could she think that of me? Wasn’t I good enough for her anymore? Wasn’t I worth it anymore? Was it too late for us? I couldn’t help but wonder over and over. I knew I wasn’t perfect but I was trying to be perfect for her with all my heart. She thought she knew me but it was lie. But it wasn’t all a lie. She did knew me. She knew me more than I knew myself completely. Didn’t she knew that?

“Shit…..” I whisper to myself then I ignore everything as my cell phone started ringing with
Nick’s ringtone.

I hit my head in the steering wheel as I took a hold a hard of it with my shaky hands and then I lay my head back against sit. What was I going to do now? I couldn’t help but wonder. Because somehow I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to stay away from Lena for long since I didn’t feel been apart from her. I already tried that and it didn’t work. Not at all.

****

When Mrs. Lowell left after the session was done, I felt somehow relief. The door swung open and Alexi’s voice said “ I am back, girly.” She said in a cheerful tone.

I sit down from my laying down position on the bed.

“Hey.”

“So how did it go?” she asked wanting to know moving the chair that Mrs. Lowell was using earlier closer to the bed and sit down next to me.

“Good, I guess. I guess that I do need a shrink.”

“You are not that crazy.” Alexi said alarmed all of the sudden then patted my hand.

I burst out laughing from her expression.

“Yay, I made you laugh.” She said looking all excited while clapping her hands and bouncing on the sit.

“Why do you want to make me laugh?”

“Because you looked like a tornado pass through. Your eyes are red and puffy.”

I shook my head then raise my knees and put my arms around them then put my head on top of my knees.

“Everything okay?” she asked wanting to know.

“Yeah, fine.” I said honestly while looking at her then I looked down at what she was holding
in her hands. I frowned when I realize it was a folder.

“What is that?” I asked wanting to know pointing at the blue folder that seem so familiar.

“Oh.” She said looking down at it too. “Chris came by to give you this but he left. He must
have drop it. I founded outside your room.”

“Outside my room.”

“Yeah, he was going to wait for your session to be over. Why?”

“Chris was here?”

“Yeah.” She said nodding her head positively.

“And he left?”

“Yeah, he seem kind of a hurry to get out here for some reason.” She said looking at me in concern this time.

I move out of my bed and started pacing back and forward as something pass through my
mind. Something that was telling me that Chris knew. Knew what I said about him during
my session.

“Lena, what’s wrong?” Alexi asked wanting to know stepping right in front of me.

I looked at her feeling scare.

“What is it?”

“How did he…How did Chris looked when he left?”

“Don’t know but he really wanted to get out of here. Why Lena? What did you do?” Alexi asked suddenly understanding and panicking at the same time.

“I think Chris overheard my conversation. I think he knows what I think about him.”

“What did you said about him?” she asked desperately wanting to know as I hug myself tighter not wanting to believe that Chris heard everything. Not wanting to know what he was thinking right now. He might have been hurt. Just like I was right now. Suddenly I feel tears of the sudden pain and reminder of my words about him. I press my lips hard together as more tears started to flow faster. “Lena, what did you said about him?”

“I said that he wasn’t perfect. That even though he hurt me I was still afraid he might do it again.” I said as more tears roll down my cheeks. “I told her that all I knew about Chris was a lie.” I said in a shaky voice as I feel myself tremble when I started to cry even more. I fall down on my knees trembling in ice cold fear of what Chris was thinking right now. At this right minute.

“Oh god, Lena.” Alexi said bending down in front of me and hug me.

“But that’s not true. I do know him. I really do.” I added honestly knowing very well it was the truth.

“I know you do.” She said passing her fingers through my through bringing me comfort.

After a few more seconds of getting my thoughts together, I pulled away from her cleaning away my tears.

“I have to go see him. I have to explain.” I said honestly standing up and walking toward the door. I reach for the door knob to open the door.

“Lena don’t.” Alexi said pulling my arm and turned me around to face. “Are you crazy? You can’t leave the hospital.”

“I have to. I have to find Chris. I have to explain.” I said feeling desperately all of the sudden.

“I know you want to make things right. But you can’t leave. What about your mom and the doctor? What happens if they come and didn’t see you here? You need to stay. You can talk to Chris once you are release.” Alexi said taking a hold of my arms and shaking myself looking concern and desperate at the same time.

“I have to go now.” I said yelling at her wanting to make her understand then turned around to open the door once again but this time I didn’t have enough time to reach it and suddenly she slapped me across the face not hard but hard enough to wake up from the mistake I will be going to make once I leave the hospital. I touched my burning left cheek and looked up at her.

“I am sorry, Lena but I won’t let you leave. I know Chris means something to you and what you said you didn’t mean it but you have to realize that mistakes happened all the time. If you want to fix this, you are going to have to wait till you are out of here.” Alexi said breathing hard and looking furiously at me.

I slide down with my back on the door and sit down burying my head on my knees still crying over the biggest mistake that I could ever do. Some part of me believe that I hurt Chris.

“Chris, will understand, Lena.” Alexi said bending down on her knees in front of me and patted my head softly and gently.

“I don’t think he will.” I said honestly to myself.

***
I looked up the dark sky several hours later staring at the stars as I sat down on the bench of the park where I used to wait for Lena. I breathe out as I looked around me. Everything was quiet. Nobody in sight. My hands on my knees as I looked at the fountain in the middle of the park. The light were on and it was shinning bright almost like a big moon on the dark sky above.

Part of me couldn’t blame Lena for thinking that of me. I did lie to her. I did lie to her on the reasons of wanting to go out with me in the first place. But it all change. It all change when she broke up with me. I wasn’t the same. I was changed. I was changed all because of her. I was a whole knew person. It wasn’t all about my past life anymore. It was all about her. Because some part of knew that I will never forget Lena. She will stay within me for the rest of my life.

I might not be perfect boyfriend or the boyfriend that she wanted before but that was all about to change. Because not matter what I will keep trying. I won’t give up. Because god even knew that I couldn’t live without her in my life. It was like I was only half alive and so lonely. That’s the reason why I keep coming back. Why I keep running back to her. I was hurt but not mad. Not mad at all.

My watch beep and I looked down at it. It read 10:00 pm. I breathe out and walked away without looking back toward my car. I open the car door and hear my cell phone vibrate on the passenger sit. I reach for it and flip it open. It was a text from Lena.

“I am sorry, Chris. Didn’t mean to say those words. You do mean something to me.”

I smile at the text and flip close the phone. I turned the key in the ignition and drove away to a place where I needed to go first.

Half hour later, I open the door of Lena’s quietly somehow I have mange to convince a nurse to let me in for five minutes promising that it won’t take long. I walked slowly without making a sound toward Lena’s bed and looked down at her sleeping with her cell phone tightly on her hand. I frowned at that then I smile it was like she was waiting for a call or a text for me.

“Why can’t I stay mad at you like any other human being?” I whispered in the dark. I leaned toward her and softly kiss her cheek.

“Chris…” Her sleepy voice said in the dark then she blink her eyes open. “Chris, it’s that
you. I am really sorry. It wasn’t what you think.”

“Shh…go to sleep.” I whisper to her softly.

“But I need to explain.” She said stubbornly.

“Not now. You need to rest. It’s okay. I am not mad.” I said assuring truthfully.

“But I…”

“We can talk later, ok. Right now you need to rest.”

“You really are not mad.” She asked wanting to know as she took a sitting position on the bed then reach out with her hands toward me in the dark then went and turned on the over head light of the bed.

She looked at me as my eyes locked with hers. Her eyes reflected sadness and were red from hours of crying. I feel her hand touch my neck then up to my cheek as she change her position from sitting to kneeling on the bed. I took her hand in mine and kiss it.

“I am not mad. I promise you that.” I said honestly then I reach forward and bring her in my arms. I hug her gently been careful in not to hug her too tight like I really wanted to.

“I am really sorry. I am sorry if I hurt you. I am such a jerk. I can’t believe I actually said
something like that about you. You are special to me. Very special to me.” she said while I feel trembling in my arms. I passed my fingers through her soft hair and I inhale the sweet scent of vanilla on her hair. My favorite scent in the whole wide world.

“You are not a jerk. I was. But I promise you that I will be better. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. Not anymore. I will never hurt you like that ever again.” I said truthfully hoping that somehow that she understand that I never will. I will never hurt her.

She pulled away from me and looked at me directly on the eyes.

“You don’t have to be better. You are perfect just the way you are. You are my own personal hero in many ways. My own guardian angel.” She said smiling through her happy tears as she took my face between her hands. Then reach forward and kiss me sweetly on the forehead. I feel myself shivering at the sudden feeling of been forgiven. I took a hold of her necklaces and smile then bring her back on my arms and hug her as I feel tears of happiness all around me.

She hug me back tightly and pass her hands from my neck to my back as she layed her head against my neck.

“I adore you, Lena. You have no idea how much.” I whisper from the sudden feeling that I feel on my heart and the knots of my stomach into her softly into her ear.

I feel her flinch at my sudden unexpected words then relax. “I adore you too.” She whisper as the door of her room quietly swung open.

“I am sorry but you have to leave. The nurse on duty already started making rounds around the rooms.” The nurse that let me in said quietly as she stare at us back and forward.

I nodded my head still hugging Lena in my arms. I kiss Lena’s forehead once more.

“Good night.” I whisper softly to her and release her from my hold. I walked toward the door where the nurse was waiting for me. I looked back and saw Lena looking at me.

I smile at her. “I’ll see you later.” I said then she smile back at me nodding her head.
I wave good bye then the nurse close the door behind us.

“Thank you.” I said to her nurse who nodded and I walked away somehow feeling grateful and happy that I came. I smile to myself knowing how happy i was feeling.