Dreams Only Last for a Night.

So here I am, standing behind this tree, out of sight from everyone else. No one can see me. I have to stay back here and watch from a distance. I just can't believe I'm here. Why am I here? He wouldn't want me here.
I bet his family don't either. I can't leave though, Ill just wait until they all go and I'll go over by myself and say a few words. Yeah. That's what I'll do.
I can vaguely hear the sound of the priest going through his book of prayers, saying each slowly while looking at all the people gathered around the coffin. That big brown coffin.. Firmly shut, just waiting to be lowered into the ground.
Theres actually a massive turn out. Much bigger than I thought there would be. I looked through the different people standing around in dark clothes. Then I spotted them.. His family. His mum stood clingy onto his dad, both looking so shook up and pale and utterly heart broken. "and your the reason for them being like that jack, that was you.." I heard myself think. I didn't even try to push that thought away. . Cause I know it is 100% true.
His grandad stood beside his dad, mostly looking downwards, but every few minutes I would see him lift a white little handlerchief up to his eyes and wipe away his tears. I just felt 100 times worse. When you see a grandad crying, you know its a fucking sad situation. Why did I come here? I shouldn't be here.. You should not be here Jack, you prick..
But I cant leave.
Minutes went by that felt like years, and eventually the little platform which the coffin rested on was slowly lowered down into the ground. When, well I guessed, it was fully 6 feet down, his parents walked to the side of the grave. His dad dropped what looked like a small flower (I couldn't quite see from this far back) and his mum gently let go of a brown colored, old looking Teddy into the hole in the ground. I couldn't watch this. My heart literally felt as if it just cracked. I really should not have come, but I need to say this to him. I just have to. I turned around the opposite direction from which I had been looking at the funeral at, and slumped down to the bottom of the tree trunk. I leaned back against it and took a long, heavy breath. Was this feeling ever gonna go away?
Ever since I heard the news about Alex killing himself on Tuesday morning, I've had this feeling in my stomach.. It's like as if there is a massive hole in my belly or somethin, and it just will not go away. I couldnt sleep on Tuesday night.. And my parents just thought I was hung-over on Wednesday. How i wish I was. I wish I could just drink this all away. Wash these past four years away with alcohol and never look back. I mean, I could if I become an alcho. But then were would I get money? And They would never actually be gone.. They'd still be there. They'll always be there. I closed my eyes and just tried to surpress the want to just yell out in anger and frustration and regret. I opened my eyes after a few minutes and looked around the side of the tree. Mostly everybody had left, and the people who were standing by his grave were just leaving. Ok. This is it.
I stood up and walked slowly towards Alex, or what's left of him I guess. I got to the side of the huge hole in the ground and stopped. I was then just suddenly over come with the feeling in my stomach and my legs went wobbly and weak. I fell to my knees.
"Alex.." I began, speaking in a low, hushed tone. "Alex .. I never meant for it to come to this,
I.. I didn't know you would do something like this. I never intended to make you go this far. Alex the reason I always treated you like shit. . It wasn't coz you were different to us. It wasn't even really that you're gay. It was that.." at this point I was holding myself back with all from crying. "whenever I saw you in the halls or whatever, I'd get these feelings inside me? Like.. Like butterflies or something. I know.. I know it sounds really weird but I cant explain it. And im not gay.. At least I'm pretty sure I'm not. But the only way I'd be able get rid of those feelings was to put you down. I hated it. I really did. Alex you were such a good guy, such a nice genuine person.. And i did all that to you? And now I've made you go and kill youself?" a tear escaped from the corner of my eye. It rolled all the way down my cheek, to my neck. I didn't bother wipe it away. "I'm so, so sorry alex." I could only manage to whisper now, "ill never be able to undo what I've done, but I will always regret this. I am so.. Sorry..."
Let the tears roll. Let me cry my eyes out. Who gives a fuck anymore. I can't hold back anymore so the tears come flowing, and I just kneel there the whole time. On my own, in an otherwise empty grave yard.
This is all my fucking fault.
"Took you long enough to apologize Barakat. But, I suppose better late than never."
I looked up. At first I didn't see where the voice was coming from, but then I spotted someone out of the corner of my eye to my right. I looked over my shoulder, and saw the person sitting on the small stone wall that lined the grave yard. The face i saw instantly made me go completely white with shock. I rubbed my eyes once, and looked again. He was still sitting there with a beanie covering his hair and a peaceful look, not a smile just a peaceful expression, on his face. Could it be..? But they just... It can't. This makes no sense?! It can't be...
"Alex?!?" I heard myself say, although I couldnt remember the words coming out of my mouth.