My Kazekage

Closing my eyes for a brief moment, I sucked in a deep breath of my village's dusty desert air. The feeling of the sun blazing down upon my light skin settled my heart a bit. Not enough to drown out the thoughts that were consuming my mind, but lately nothing could.

Biting my bottom lip, I tasted blood. Perhaps, I'd bit too hard? But, that was irrelevant. It had been two months since I had found that the aching in my heart when he was kidnapped was not just simple friendly concern. Actually it would be more accurate to say that I realized the feelings I've always had for him was not as innocent as I'd originally thought.

I could not lie to myself- I loved the boy. I was not exactly sure what I loved about him. I knew it had to be something, maybe I could not pin-point one certain thing because I loved everything about him?

It was an odd notion, but it seemed to make sense in a way. He had given me my freedom and sanity back. I may not have appeared broken at first sight, but deep down something in me, before I met him, was wrong.

It was the type of wrong that when brought to the surface would bubble away and eat at a person's soul. The type of wrong that when left to itself would cause nothing but death, and destruction to the inner heart of a person. The part of me that was broken would not kill me per se, but it would eat away at me until I was nothing but a shell of a once operating person.

It would not be something the normal person would notice, I hardly noticed it myself at first. Yet, he did. All though it was true I sought him out first, pushing myself into his life- that did not mean he had to care.

At first I saw him as a ray of hope; a rope that could possibly pull me out of this heartache which wanted to swallow me whole. That, and the fact that if he could not fix me and make me stronger, he would most likely live up to his expectations as the Monster and perhaps put my heart to rest in another way.

It seems silly now as I look back on my motives when I was fourteen, and obviously a little crazy, but isn't everyone? Gaara was not inhuman, he just had problems and dealt with them in unsavory ways, everyone has problems; I should know that well enough.

I was the quiet girl who was too meek to ever be an honorable ninja, like my parents had been before they had died. Yes, I was a weak and pitiful girl whom no one ever saw as important. At the time I must admit sadly I thought the same. I was broken goods; I had seen my parents murdered right before my eyes. Every time I would look at a ninja weapon my entire body would become covered in sweat and goosebumps.

I had a phobia of sorts, for all things that would remind me of that night my parents had died. Anything that would bring up those events would rip and tear at my heart until I could hardly stand.

I'd never been strong, I was not like my mother and father. Perhaps, they would not have died if I'd been as strong as Gaara? I had once asked Gaara that exact question, his answer did not appease me. All he had replied to my thoughts, was that it was not worth hanging on to the past, because I could never change them- I needed to move forward.

That did not comfort me as it should, I think in a way I had wanted him to baby me a bit. In a way I wanted him to tell me that everything would be okay even if it wouldn't be. In a way I wanted him to lie to me and tell me that if I worked hard enough when we trained that I could change things. Yet, the truth remained the same, no matter how hard I would train I would never be able to bring back my parents.

I was not the only one with parent problems. I was not the only one with no parents. Yet, compared to Gaara, my childhood was happy. I was always loved and treated well, where as Gaara's childhood was nothing more than disgusting.

He never gave out personal information if he could help it, but at times things would slip, not to mention the rumors of what had occurred spread through the village like wildfire. It was no secret that the old Kazekage had ordered his youngest son's murder, ten-times-over if you will.

I have a distinct feeling that was not all that troubled My Kazekage, but I knew better than to pry into his mind. If My Kazekage wanted to reveal his past he would do so when he pleased. Or, at least that is what I hoped.

I knew that Gaara hated it when I called him Kazekage, yet at the same time I knew it gave him a swell of pride as I said it. He was troubled what can I say? I think half of him was proud of getting so far, and the other half wondering how he could stand to have even one thing in common with his father.

At times when he thought that he wasn't being watched his face would fall, even more than usual, and become something truly sickening, and truly heart wrenching. His face would become something that would physically hurt to look at. The pain that he was feeling would bubble up in his face when he would quickly let his mask of emotionless fall.

I think it was his eyes that would kill me the most. I could never truly tell what he was thinking. It bothered me, most people were easy to read by their eyes, comments, or lips, not Gaara though. Only on rare occurrences would his emotions come cleanly out in the open.

I could not help but let out a deep sigh. I shifted slightly uncomfortably in the lobby of the Kazekage office. The air in the room was frigid, and one of the least enjoyable things that would always greet me and almost detoured me away from visiting Gaara as I did every day at exactly 12:35 p.m. sharp.

Looking at the clock at the top of the tan colored wall, I took pride in knowing that I was right on time, 12:35 right on the dot as usual. Of course, when you are in love I mean friends with Gaara, whom had a strict schedule, you had to plan your time around his.

It made spending time with him difficult. Yet, at the same time each moment counted more and seemed more secret, ya'know? Okay, so perhaps this was just my own perverted fantasy, but still...

I nodded lightly to the receptionist, who buzzed me into the building without a word, just another sign that my presence was not unexpected.

Taking a deep breath of the frigid air I walked on. This was strange even for me. I felt like something was going to happen, but that seemed stupid even to me. Even if I did have a large and rather obvious crush on My Kazekage he would not show interest in me. That was not Gaara's way. He was not sentimental, and not interested in sex or other things that usually run most guys minds, including his own brother whom gave me another odd smirk as I passed him on my way to his brother's office.

"What are you smirking at Puppet-Master?" I replied sighing deeply wondering what he would have to say to my comment.

"I was just noticing how every day you come, and every day you leave none the satisfied. I don't think my brother understands your intentions." He mused to himself a small smile upon his face as he smiled warmly at me.

"I have no clue what you are talking about. I come every day to help My Kazekage, because it is my honor to have him as my Sensei." I replied defiantly, as I boldly lied to the older ninja.

"Lying is unfitting for you Matsuri, we both know that you love my brother; In fact, I find it rather odd that he does not notice it as well. Although Gaara has never been the 'loving' type." Kankuro replied shrugging his shoulders, as he did so his puppet that was forever attached to his back scraped against the floor slightly. I could not help but stare at the man behind the bright purple makeup and black mask.

"Would it matter if he did notice?" I asked offhandedly as I let out a breath that had become sour in my throat.

"Probably not," He answered truthfully taking no heed to my feelings in the matter. Which I could not help but respect, although it would be comforting for him to lie, I had to give him points for telling me the truth.

"Then the conversation is over isn't it?" I asked as I pushed past him. My push was not out of anger or hurt, I was too numb for all of that. I knew how things had to be. Gaara was not ready for what I had to offer, frankly I was not sure if he would ever be ready, but I knew no matter how long if ever, I would still wait.

As I came closer to My Kazekage's door I forced a smile upon my face, the same smile that he would be expecting out of me. The same smile that I would forever force upon my face when speaking to him, because if I could not give him some little comfort, some little form of happiness, then I would not truly have a purpose in his life- would I?