Glitter in the Snow

After that night, things were calm. Too calm. Dad left me (mostly) alone, school was unspectacular, the musical came and went, and winter break drew nearer. My friendship with Felix remained painfully... friendly. I know that I really should not complain about this because I know that some people don't even have anyone to agonize over, but I began to doubt whether he had ever been interested in being with me.

On the last day before winter break, Felix hunted me down in my favorite practice room, where I had taken to hiding out whenever possible. It was a lot harder to pine for him when he was out of sight.

Excuse the melodramatics. I refuse to believe that you haven't been in my shoes before or that, when you were, you weren't equally pathetic. Just as I'm sure that you were enjoying it as much as you were agonized.

Right. Well, he found me; don't be too creeped out. Everyone who had any business in the music wing knew that this was my room. It would have been all too easy to get directions.

"Hey, Natalie, I have a proposition for you," Felix said, smiling faintly.

I raised my brows and felt that vague unease that I always felt when I thought he might, finally, be acknowledging that we were better off... elevating our friendship, is that a good way to put it? "Yes, Felix?" My voice came out cool, calm. I was deliciously proud of myself. I even managed, barely, to meet his eyes. When I did, I couldn't look away. He took a step closer.

"Let's go ice skating," he said. I laughed. The suggestion felt random and the room was tenser by far than I could handle. Laughter was the only option. Felix thankfully joined me and things were great until we fell silent and things got awkward again.

"Okay," I said. "When?" This was, of course, not the question I actually wanted answered. It would do for now.

"I'll meet you here after school?" I nodded and picked up my viola from its case, where I had set it upon Felix's entrance. I had thought for certain that he would leave now, but he sat down instead.

"Mind if I hang around?" he asked. I had been promising for ages to play for him and had been putting it off because I always wanted to wait until I was just a little better. His smirk told me that he was fully aware that I wouldn't kick him out. Rather than make a big deal about it, I shrugged.

When I set my bow to the string, it bounced a few times because I was shaking so bad. Felix folded his hands on his lap and watched me. I could feel the amusement rolling off of him in waves. I pulled a face and started playing before I could think too hard about what I was doing.

***

I waited for Felix after school, but he didn't show. I stood there feeling like a moron for an entire thirty-two minutes. Then I left. Of course the buses had pulled out a long time ago. The walk wasn't so long, but I was upset, so it seemed endless. Knowing that there was a chance that Felix would come looking for me and wanting to avoid him, I purposely took a waving, longer route than usual.

Besides, it gave me a chance to stay mad at him. Always, one of my biggest weaknesses has been my inability to hold a grudge. This indignation that I felt, this hurt... well, they were something that I wanted to hold onto for a long time so that maybe next time someone came around asking me out, I'd know better than to put too much faith in them.

Had this been his plan? Felix didn't seem the type to make plans with someone for the sole purpose of standing them up. Maybe, I thought ruefully, that was the problem. I was just a bad judge of character.

But we were friends, he and I! Unless he had been playing with my emotions for all of these months, we were friends. I was glad it was windy, because it gave me a legitimate reason for watering eyes.

It was snowing, of course, being December. I headed home only after my ears were burning fit to fall off and my entire face was numb. I had waited so long to seek shelter that I could not bear to turn away from my house even when I saw Felix's car parked in its usual spot in my driveway.

How could he have stood me up when we were so close that he had his own parking spot in my driveway?

I trudged up the stairs, grappled at the door with my frozen fingers, and threw myself into the heat. Heedless of who was watching, I slammed the door shut behind me and collapsed against it, sliding down into a seated position atop a pile of snow that my sneakers had brought in. My chest was heaving, burning with the heat that was assaulting me. It hurt so bad that I almost would have gone back out into the snow had I been capable of standing up.

"Natalie!" Mom said, rushing over to me. Her hands pressed on my cheeks and her touch was comforting, though I could not feel it. "Have you been out there all this time? What were you thinking? We were about to send out a search party."

I fixed my eyes on her. This wasn't adding up. "I needed to clear my head," I told her. "Would you mind making some tea?" I had no idea what the deal was with Felix, but I did know that I couldn't bear to have my mother there when we discussed it. Mom left and Felix was immediately at my side, taking my frigid hands in his own.

"What were you thinking?" he demanded. "Do you know that it's fifteen degrees out? Do you know that people die in warmer?"

"Yes." I tried to say this as calmly as possible, hoping at the very least that he would look ridiculous, sitting here yelling at me and getting a cool response.

"I called you. You never answered. What, were your fingers too numb to hit the answer button on your phone?" I shook my head mutely. "How long were you out there, anyway?" My only response was a shiver. I was confused. No, it was far beyond that. Bemused? Bamboozled?

In any case, I was certain that our roles were reversed. I was supposed to be the one who was angry, he the subject of that anger. What was happening?"

Clearly, I was missing something. "Felix, let her thaw before you're too hard on her," Mom called from the kitchen. I thought that she understood my desire to have a couple of minutes alone with him. The kettle surely should have whistled by now. I wouldn't have been surprised if she hadn't even set it on to boil yet.

"Are you ready to stand?" Felix asked after drawing in a long, deep breath. I wasn't ready to talk to him yet, but I gave a stiff nod and allowed him to pull me to my feet and steer me over to the couch. Several blankets were draped over me and, to top it off, Felix sat next to me, pressed close, and kept my hands in his. I was certain that they were extremely painful to touch, but thanks to him, I was starting to feel a burning, creeping warmth.

Mom came in with three steaming mugs balanced on a plate. One of these had even had a little milk added, as was Felix's preference.

Blast him. It was getting really difficult to stay angry.

"Sorry I wasn't able to meet you," he said, passing my mug to me. I took it reluctantly, glad for the heat that spread through me on contact but not desiring to let go of his hand. Felix went on, "My brother's ride to work fell through and he begged me to drive him. If he's late one more time they will fire him for sure. I really thought that Lexi would catch you before school let out so you would know to take the bus. How did you spend so much time outside, though? It isn't that long a walk."

That explained everything. Lexi was his latest ex. Of course she didn't deliver the message. "I needed a little time alone," I said. I was quickly running through things I could say that would make me look less pathetic. "My dad! I still hadn't figured out what to do about him, and he's really anxious to make up." There, that was a good thing to want to think over while walking in the cold for longer than was sane, yeah?

"What have you figured out?" Mom asked. "Do you think you're ready to call him?" I could hear in her voice her longing for me to say yes.

"I'll call tomorrow," I said. Of course I realized a moment later what had just come out of my mouth and was appalled. There was no taking it back now.

At least we were talking about something other than the Felix fiasco now. How had I ever doubted him? He had always been good to me and I had never observed any kind of duplicity in his demeanor, toward anyone. You know what the trouble was? It was me. I was too insecure about myself, too surprised that he was interested in me at all, too afraid of it ending abruptly. This wasn't the first time that that had gotten to me. This was a problem that was buried deep in my psyche, and I knew better than to pursue it much more then.

"I'm proud of you, Nat, even if I think you should have been a bit smarter about the cold," Mom said. I hid a grimace by taking a sip of tea, though it was still a little too hot for drinking.

That evening, rather than being my first maybe date with Felix, was spent at home. He decided that I had to be kept inside until I was a little more recovered from my recent excursion. My mother, to do her part in luring me to stay home, baked us two kinds of cookies- my favorite and Felix's. Together they managed to make me feel like I was about four years old, but I pretended not to mind too much. Their hearts were in a good place and I could tell that they both liked to feel helpful.

Besides, that night I learned that Felix is a chess player, which was about the most exciting of things. I used to play with my grandmother, before Dad stopped taking me to see her. Ever since, I had only ever played the occasional game versus the computer. Let me tell you that computers play to WIN. Well, so does Felix, but that night he took it easy on me because of my delicate condition. That day remains the only time I've ever beat him consecutively.

Felix had to be home by ten so that he could look after his brother when his mom went to work. At 9:56 he was standing in my living room, one shoe on and one arm in his coat, looking at me. "I'm glad you're okay," he told me.

I opened my mouth to assert, once more, that I had been fine, completely fine, that afternoon. I snapped my mouth shut again without saying a word. He was being polite; I couldn't snap at him (again) for that. Instead I smiled and waited for him to say more.

He did presently. "You owe me ice skating."

"I do," I agreed. "When do you recommend I pay my debt?"

"Tomorrow," was his immediate, decisive response.

I pouted. "I could be busy tomorrow."

"Yes, I'm certain you will be. You'll be busy ice skating with me."

"I could be busy doing something else, I mean. You shouldn't just assume." I couldn't keep from smiling, though I tried extraordinarily hard to at least appear to be taking this conversation seriously. Don't judge me too harshly for that; I'm certain you've been in that sort of situation before and I bed you handled it no more seriously than I.

"You know and I know that your Saturdays are mine. I'll give you a call in the morning." Felix took hold of my hand, squeezed, and left.