I Don't Want To Solve Your Problems, I Have My Own

I felt like I was going to throw up. The taste of Fania’s kisses still lingered in my mouth, and although she hadn’t gotten as far as she had wanted, I still felt as disgusting as if I had slept with her. I had let that bitch back into my life, and now I was going to pay for it. I stumbled into the bathroom and began to attack my mouth with a toothbrush. Mint replaced the taste of Fania, but it didn’t do much to scrub away my guilt. I had cheated on Ashley. No, you didn’t. You haven’t asked her out. You just led her on, toyed with her emotions, and then made out with another girl. You pulled a Max. Either way…I felt like shit. I didn’t even notice when Sidney walked in, until I walked into him and yelled in surprise.

“Damn Sid, don’t you have own house?” I asked, a little more viciously than intended. Sidney looked at me in confusion.

“What happened? You’re normally not this pissy after a good game,” he asked, before his eyes trailed to the bruise that marred the hollow of my neck. I knew I should have put a shirt on.

“Don’t worry about it,” I growled, turning so he couldn’t see my neck.

“Did Ashley stop by last night?” he asked quietly. I took a sharp breath and Sidney’s jaw dropped.

“Please…don’t tell me that was Fania…” he croaked.

“It wasn’t Fania,” I said weakly.

“Evgeni Vladimirovich Malkin you stupid son of a bitch!” Sidney cried. I cringed and leaned my head against the wall in shame.

“Please Sid, that not help right now,” I murmured.

“Not help? You’re damn right it’s not going to help! What were you thinking, letting her back in like that? What about poor Ashley? She’s the first girl you’ve ever trusted enough to sleep with, and you’re just going to forget about her the minute your psychotic ex girlfriend walks through the door?” Sidney cried. I could see the anger written on his face, and hear it filling his voice. I normally would have yelled back, but shame and guilt just seeped even further into my bones.

“Sidney I did not want this,” I croaked.

“Geno, we talked about this. We had a game plan and everything!” Sidney sighed.

“You and I both know game plans not work with Fania. Me marrying her was the original game plan, wasn’t it?” I asked. Sidney looked at me, sadness marring his usually chipper face.

“I guess you’re right there,” he sighed.

***___***___***___***___***___***___***___***___***

I woke up and my wrists ached. Dried blood streaked my pillow case and I peeled it off, throwing it into my hamper. I barely had enough energy to make it to the shower, and when I did, I just let the almost scalding water cascade down my body for what could have easily been hours. I traced my fingers up and down the fine cuts along the inside of each wrist and shuddered in both disgust and pleasure. I had been clean for so long. I hadn’t cut in months. But months ago I wasn’t failing a math class, on the verge of having my dreams taken away from me, and confused as hell over some Russian dynamo that stumbled into my life. After I finally forced myself to get out of the shower and get dressed, I walked to the local Starbucks, a very rare luxury I allowed myself. I ordered a coffee, and as I waited another woman walked in. It was that Russian bitch from the other night, and I felt my back stiffen, hoping she wouldn’t notice me. What the hell is she doing around here…unless she was visiting Evgeni again? Our eyes met as she turned around, and she smiled wickedly at me. I could see it in her eyes. She had gotten to Evgeni. I didn’t know what they had done, but I knew that look of victory when I saw it. I had seen one too many girls win over the guys I had been pursuing, and I felt my throat tighten. I simply grabbed my coffee and returned to my apartment, barely able to taste the indulgent little treat I had bought myself. Instead, all I could think about was the fresh sting of metal against my skin as mental images of Fania all over Evgeni flashed through my mind. What I got, however, was completely different.

I walked into my apartment and found myself face to face with Evgeni. I blanched.

“How did you get into my apartment?” I asked, almost dropping my coffee. He looked distraught, and I would put money on a sleepless night for him.

“You left the door unlocked. I knocked, I called, but nothing, so I just came in,” he said quietly. I checked my pocket and realized I had left my phone on the table.

“Oh,” I said. I could hardly look at him. Fear raced through my veins, and I was waiting for him to say something.

“I have to tell you something,” he muttered. I just nodded and waited for him to start talking. “Fania was over yesterday…” he said. I cringed. “And I did stupid thing. I…we…” he started.

“Don’t. I don’t need to know who you sleep with, because apparently I was just a lay to you,” I said coldly. He paled, and shook his head furiously.

“No! I didn’t sleep with her!” he cried.

“Why do I find that hard to believe? She was pretty smitten when I ran into her at Starbucks,” I growled, pushing past him to get to the bathroom. He grabbed my wrist quickly and pulled me almost violently back.
“I did not sleep with her, but I did make out with her. I regret it though. The whole time, I was half hoping you would show up. It didn’t feel right…not like when I kiss you,” he said, muttering the last part and touching my face gently. I jerked my arm away, and my wrist stung. I knew he had reopened my cuts by grabbing my wrist, and he glanced at his hand before his eyes widened.

“You don’t have to lie on my behalf,” I said. His eyes fell on my wrist, and I didn’t even bother to cover it. I knew he had my blood on his hands (quite literally) and I didn’t care. His eyes met mine and for the first time in my life, I felt the burn of shame as his face became wrought with confusion and worry. A silent tear rolled down my cheek, and he simply took my hands in his own and kissed me gently.

“Tell me why,” he croaked.

“What?” I whispered.

“Tell me why you hurt yourself,” he said. His eyes were searching, and I knew that for the first time in my life I had found someone who wasn’t disgusted by my bad habit.

“It started when I was fourteen,” I sighed.

***___***___***___***___***___***___***___***___***

“I hated everything in my life, from my mom, who left us, to my father, who drank us out of house and home. Kids at school ridiculed me because I was poor…because I had to work every day just so that my dad and I could eat. My teachers didn’t know what was going on in my life, and so they thought I was just lazy. One day, I was more depressed than usual. I was throwing out the trash at work when a piece of broken glass ripped through the bag and cut my hand. At first I yelled because it hurt…but then…then I realized the release the pain brought me. The physical pain was an escape from the emotional pain…Ever since then, no matter how hard I try, I can’t break the habit. Sometimes things hurt too badly for me to cope, and I slip. It’s like drugs…” Ashley explained. I reached out and touched her cheek, wishing that I could get rid of the pain she was feeling. I knew that I had caused some of it, and I wanted to die because of it.

“Let me help you,” I whispered. She stared at me with wide eyes and trembling lips, but she hugged me tightly. I gathered her in my arms and brushed her hair out of her face.

“Thank you,” she whispered. I kissed her gently, and I felt pleasant warmth and a flutter in my belly. This was right. This is where I belonged.