What If I'm Afraid to Love Again

I woke up the next day well rested and ready for the emotional day I knew it would be. I was seeing my big brother for the first time in 3 years I was only a young teenager when I last saw him, and to tell you the truth I was petrified he wouldn’t want to know me since I ran away. I cut off all ties with my family and friends from La Push. I only left one letter to Paul the night I left and it said that I would always love him but I couldn’t handle being in La Push after Mom’s death and that he shouldn’t come looking for me. And he listened he never did. In some ways I’m angry that he never tried to get hold of me but in the long run I’m glad he didn’t because I didn’t know what to say to him then and to be honest I don’t really know now. I can’t exactly say “How has the weather been lately rubbish well you know when I was 14 dad used to beat me yeah it really hurt and I almost died but never mind want to go to the beach. Some how I don’t think that’s your typical conversation.

I got out of the comfort of my bed and decided to have a nice relaxing bath to cool my nerves. After I had washed I wrapped my self in a towel and walked towards my walk in closet *yes I have I walk in closet don’t judge me I like shoes to much and when you buy shoes you must buy the outfit to match* Well anyway I picked my outfit and put it on and then walked back into the bathroom to do my hair and make-up. It didn’t take to long. I walked down stairs to my kitchen for breakfast. I didn’t find much but I expected that but there were some pop-tarts in the cupboard so I decided that was the best I was going to get so I ate them quickly. I looked at the clock on the wall it was 11:30 so I decided it was as good as any time to leave. I grabbed by blackberry and but it in my bag along with my house keys and purse, I took my car keys from the bowl by the door and slipped my shoes on and walked out the door to my car.

I figured Paul would still be living in the house where we lived before, I remembered my way there so I made my way to the house which held so many childhood memories for me, I stopped my car right outside the house in the drive was a truck which I assumed to be Paul’s. I rested my head on the steering wheel and took a few deep breaths, after finally finding the courage to get out of the car I walked up to the front door taking in the flashbacks of my younger days. I stopped right before the door and hesitantly raised my shaking hand to knock the door. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding. I heard muffled sound beyond the door and then heard a familiar shout “Hold on one minute I’ll be there now”. Seconds later the door swung open. There I saw the un-doubtful look of my big brother Paul. Standing there in grey sweatpants with no shirt on and his hair looking like he’s run his hands threw it way to many times to count, then I looked at his face and saw the expected shocked look cross his face I made eye-contact with him and saw the familiar pools of deep chocolate brown that were exactly like mine. I managed a small smile and a whispered “Hey Paulie” the use of his old nickname just slipping of my tongue as if nothing had changed over the years. “Nena” Paul whispered back slowly as if he wasn’t actually seeing me and I was just a figment of his imagination and I would disappear in to thin air. I softly nodded my head yes and watched as a smile that would put the Cheshire Cat to shame appear on his face, and before I could blink I was pulled into the strong, protective arms of my big brother as if he was scared to let me go I just as quickly wrapped my small arms around his massive waist and breathed in the woodsy smell that emitted of him. He had gotten tall at least 6ft 5” which was like a whole ft and a half taller than me so he was bending to reach me so he just decided to pick me up and twirl me round in circles shouting “ You’re back, I missed you so much Nena, I can’t believe my baby sister’s back”. By now I was laughing and crying at the same time from being back in the familiar warmth that was my big brother. Happy to be home again. Finally.