What If I'm Afraid to Love Again

“I met Tommy a couple of days after I landed in New York in a coffee shop, from then on I was living a life that I thought was so brilliant, I felt invincible, but I later found out I wasn’t, I could be hurt, I wasn’t as strong as I was made out to be, I could be broken I trusted him with my life, I would have taken a bullet or him and I thought he would do the same for me, turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong”.

While I was talking I kept my eyes closed and without realising I reached towards the 4 scars going right across my back, the marks I loathed the most, that I would have to wear on my body forever, reminding me of my past.

I paused for a minute, could I really tell Paul about the monster I had become while in New York, was I ready to tell him, I could barley even think about it, that’s why I put my walls up, they surround my heart they surround my mind blocking all the nightmares. I could practically feel Paul’s eyes on me watching me, looking for something in my face that told him what I was feeling, but I kept my face blank and void of any emotion. I carried on.

“I was sat in the corner of the coffee shop, just sitting there staring blankly at the clock on the wall, the shop was practically empty bare from a business man working on his laptop, I didn't realise anyone was behind me until I heard someone fake cough loudly. I whipped my head around to see who was behind me. It was a black man looked to be about 19 years old I think, he was quite tall about 6’1 or something like that but everyone was tall compared to me so no shocker there” I chuckled lightly after I said that but immediately my face went blank again.

FLASHBACK

I stared at the man waiting for him to say something but he didn’t just stood there staring at me, so I sighed glared at him and turned back around in my seat and resumed looking at the clock on the wall.

I saw that he walked to the seat facing me and sat down, leaned back in his chair and took a sip of his coffee. I sighed again “Was there something you wanted, because if not then please feel free to leave” He chuckled lightly and put his coffee cup on the table, and locked his finger together and put them on the table. He looked at me for another minute and then said “What’s a little girl like you doing in the big city on her own” I glared at him “None of your damn business that’s what, now I’m not supposed to talk to strangers so leave” He shook his head a little and held out his hand and said “Alright then I’m Tommy Smith but they calls me ‘Money’ round here. What’s your name then doll” I ignored his outstretched hand and just replied “Sienna Reese” “Well then nice to meet you Sienna Reese, now back to my question ain’t you a little bit young to be alone in the Big Apple, where you living” I sighed “I ran away, I got here yesterday, and nowhere that answer your question” “Yes actually it does, how about I make you an offer” “What kind of offer” “You need a place to crash I got a spare bedroom, and your only what 13 I can’t be letting you out on the streets on your own now can I, all kinds of strange people out there” I studied his face he had the hint of a small smile on his lips. “I’m 14, and how to I know if I can trust you”. He leaned forward again and simply said “You don’t”. And that moment right there changed my life.

END OF FLASHBACK

I stopped talking for a moment reflecting on the first time I met ‘Money’ and how something as coincidental as me meeting a man who looked to be harmless, even if he was 5 years older than me could change someone’s life so drastically.

“After I moved in with him I found out he was in a gang, but strangely it didn’t scare me, it excited me, he was top dog, head honcho, the leader, I felt protected when I was with him we had built a close relationship we were like best friends even if he was about 5 years older than me, it became a more serious relationship when I turned 15 he was 20 at the time, I started to go with him when he had meetings, often just standing there while he dealt with the coward who had done something to get in Money’s bad books, not caring when it resulted to violence, just blankly staring at the battered bodies that lay there after Money had given then a beating. You would have thought I would have hated seeing anyone get beat up seeing as I had gone through the pain of being hit, but Money told me they had done something bad, and when you do something bad you deserved to get punished, and I believed him.

Our relationship was becoming more like lovers instead of just friends, we would flirt, and cuddle in bed, and peck each other’s lips and I knew I wanted to have a serious relationship with him, it thought I loved him, and he would return those feelings so one night after we had just come back from a meeting with the gang we were cuddled on the couch watching a movie and out of the blue he said “You wanna be My Girl” I was shocked, I couldn’t believe he finally asked me to be his. I grinned and immediately said yes. That night was the night I lost my virginity to him”.

“I felt invincible, I had one of the most wanted men in New York, I was becoming one of the top dogs in the gang, people knew my name and they were scared, I loved that whenever I looked in someone’s eye fear would wash through them, I loved that men wanted me because I had power and not to toot my own horn but I knew I was gorgeous and I would use it to my advantage, I loved that I was powerful but now I despise what I became.”

“It was a few weeks before my 17th birthday when I realised I was a monster, I was doing a job for money a guy who rented a building downtown and he was late on paying the rent, and Tommy sent me to get the money and do whatever it took to get it, I remember Tommy passing me a gun before I left, I didn’t think anything of it at the time I just thought it was just for show, I was in charge”.

ANOTHER FLASHBACK

“I remember driving myself downtown and I parked in the parking lot and there were only two other cars there, I grabbed the gun and walked to the door, I walked through to where I knew the office was, I could see the light from underneath the door so I knew he was still here, I smirked and opened the door silently while keeping the smirk on my face, his back was facing me so I leant against the wall and took the gun from out of my jacket picket then I slammed the door shut, he whipped around so quickly I’m surprised I didn’t get whiplash myself, once he had recognised who I was I saw the ear in his eyes and I chucked and stoop up straight again and slowly walked towards him I was so close to his face I could feel his breath on my face I lifted my hand and run my gun down the side of his face, he flinched, I chuckled darkly “Long time, no see huh Ryan” he gulped “S-Sienna h-how nice to see yo-u” I grabbed his face and held the gun to his head I was fed up of formalities “Cut the crap Ryan where’s Tommy’s money” “I-I don’t have it” I growled at him “YOU DON’T HAVE IT, WHY DON’T YOU HAVE IT RYAN, YOUR TESTING MY PATIENCE” “I’m so-orry, it was my sons birthday, I n-needed the money” “NO I NEED THE MONEY RYAN, NOW OR I’LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL HURT YOU AND I WONT REGRET DOING IT”.

I didn’t notice someone walk into the room until they squeaked when I slammed him into the wall. I whipped around and saw a petite looking woman around 5’6 with long flowing golden blonde hair. She looked well dressed and had a wedding ring on her finger, so I assumed it to me Ryan’s wife. I put on a fake smile and turned back to Ryan “Who’s this then Ry” I could see Ryan gulp so I knew she was someone important in his life, it was perfect I knew I could use her to get the money from him. He quietly replied “My Wife” I grinned in an almost sinister way and circled her, she was frozen in fear “She’s pretty wouldn’t want anything to happen to her now would we, but you know what I say no money, no wifey”.

I laughed when she whimpered in fear, I brought my gun up to her face and traced her lips she looked petrified “So Ryan give me the money NOW and wifey her gets to live, or if not my finger just might accidentally slip and hit the trigger”. I was looking towards Ryan with a look of fake sympathy on my face, I knew he didn’t have the money, but I had to do whatever it took to get the money for Tommy and this was necessary to get it. By now the gun was pressed against wifey’s temple and I could see the tears flowing down her cheeks. I barley heard him whisper “I don’t have the money” I sighed heavily and tutted “Well like I said no money no more wifey” “NO PLEASE DON’T I’LL DO ANYTHING JUST DON’T KILL HER PLEASE” he was sobbing, but he couldn’t move he was frozen to the spot through fear. I shrugged my shoulders and just said “It’s your fault” and then I shot her. I heard him screaming, I didn’t feel any regret no sorrow and that scared me but I didn’t show it, I walked back to the door and opened it, I turned back and said to him “You have till 8am tomorrow morning” and with that I walked out the door.

END OF FLASHBACK

“As soon as I walked out of Ryan’s office I broke down, I couldn’t believe I had just murdered and innocent woman, who had a husband, a child, a baby boy all for a man who wanted money, I felt physically sick. I wanted to die. I was worse than Dad, I was doing exactly what he had done to me, I made people feel inferior, I made people feel fear, and I deserved to rot in hell. I don’t know how but I made my way back to the warehouse where I knew Money would be. My face was void of emotion but you could see the tear tracks on my cheeks.

Once I had told Tommy I didn’t get the money of Ryan he was furious, I had saw him angry before, I had made him angry plenty of times before, but he had never hit me, so what happened next shocked me to tell you the truth. That night I got these scars” I lifted my top to show him the 4 gruesome scars that went right across my back from my shoulder to my hip, the T marked on my right shoulder was barley visible but I knew I knew it was there, I don’t know why but it had healed better than the others had, they were still quite fresh but they weren't painful.

My eyes were still closed so I didn’t know what he was feeling at this moment, probably disgust. “The man I loved with all my heart and would die for branded me like an animal, I will have these scars for the rest of my life a constant reminder of the monster I know I am. I left a few days after it happened, I wanted to come home, be with my family and friends and forget what I had done, I had been brainwashed to do horrific things for a man who I thought was God when all he was was a bully who wanted power, and here I am back in La Push I live in a house not to far away from La Push beach, I know what I did was unforgivable and I’ll never forgive myself for it, but I just want you to know that I’m still the same Nena, your baby sister who needs protecting and I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me but I need help to try and forgive myself for it, I need my family, I need my Paulie to always be there for me, Please”.

I opened my eyes that were stinging with tears and looked at Paul’s face, he was crying to, he stood up and walked over to me, I was following his every move, he put his hand out for me to grab and gave me a reassuring smile, I placed my small hand in his warm, calloused oversized hand and he pulled me up and into a crushing hug. We both cried together for what seemed like hours, when he finally said something “No matter what happened in the past or whatever happens in the future your still my baby sister and you always will be, I love you regardless of the things you’ve done don’t forget that”, and I believed him I don’t know why somehow I knew everything would turn out right in the end, there may be struggles ahead but it will be alright in the end. I will never get rid of the guilt of what I did, and I don’t deserve to be rid of it but maybe with the help of Paul, and my old friends I can move on from my dark past and create a brighter future with the ones I love.