Stolen Daydreams

It wasn't supposed to get this far. His lips were never supposed to be finding new places to kiss along the side of my neck. I wasn't supposed to be enjoying it either, nor was I supposed to find the once automatic action of air going in and out of my lungs so hard to complete. I found my breath hitching, giving me away, letting you in on how much you affected me. I had done so well playing it off, that until this point I thought I might make it through the night with out giving anything away.

Until... you wrapped your arms around me holding me tight. Until your lips found my neck, and I lost every shred of logic I was trying so hard to cling to. I tried to keep a thought, any thought, in my head long enough to remember why I had to be stronger than this. A nasty little voice in my head reminded me that I was not the only one who was giving in. Oh God how I wanted to give in, I wanted to urge you on until we crossed that line that we both knew was getting thinner and less important as the seconds ticked by. I know I was getting myself into something that I couldn't take back if I didn't pull back.

I pulled back as everything in me screamed to go back for more. Which I did, several days later just not for the same reasons. I find myself coming back for more sweet torture, but never in the physical sense. I don't trust myself to find my way back into those arms, back to those kisses, back to that thrill of knowing you want me just as much as I want you, hoping that you are feeling the same shock that I do. Now, I just wrap my logic around me like a shield, hoping you wont find out every crack and flaw so you wont know exactly how to get a response out of me.

I guess I started in the middle again. To be completely fair to both of us, I guess I should go to the beginning. To where the line began to blur and how as hard as I tried it never was completely your fault. Although, in some ways it totally was.

We have this amazingly uncomplicatedly complicated friendship. Witty banter, sexually suggestive jokes and undertones to the most innocent of topics. We tiptoed and danced along that line for hours.

I knew I was risking everything as the words tumbled out of my mouth. "You can't get in trouble for taking something that is given." After the words were out I couldn't take them back but I couldn't be sure you understood without giving myself away.

I didn't have to wait long for an answer. In the most forward act I have ever been on the receiving end of, you stepped in and kissed me.

No questions asked,

no counting to 10,

no warning.

Surprise made me slow to react and I didn't even get to react fully before you walked away. I didn't give myself a chance to hesitate or process what this meant or how I felt or any of the normal reactions I typically have after I pull a move similar to yours. (In hindsight... maybe that would have been the best idea. Go figure. The one and only time I am not over-analytical, I should have been...) In one single move you answered one of my biggest fantasies, and with two words I responded. Without thinking, fear, or embarrassment. "Come here." my whispered words feeling like thunderous screams. I could feel my entire body shake as I waited for you to come back. I had a split second to think that I had made a huge mistake before I found my self kissing you, pulling you closer to me.

I knew the risks, I knew that once you backed off and regained your senses it would be too late for me. I tried to blame you and only you for what happened but I knew I couldn't and be completely honest. I didn't have to flirt with that line. I could have been the better person and not gotten myself into so much trouble. But I wanted to. I wanted to remember what it felt like... the excitement, the dancing around subjects that weren't entirely appropriate for our situation. I wanted to stir up something just so that I could have something new going on. It was wrong of me and only for that I am sorry. Everything else? I wouldn't change it.