World Around Me

Emotions - A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.

It's coursing through me; the anxiety. I can't stop moving my ears and tail but can you blame me?

I've never been the one in charge. I've never had to deal with the responsibility of taking care of those around me. I don't know if I can handle this and I really don't understand how I'm managing right now.

Acidian is gone

Julian is seriously injured and Elk... god Elk is going through a hard time. Everyone is going through a hard time and I know that it may seem like I'm fine. I may be really understanding but I'm hurting just as much on the inside too. I know that neither of them are in the right state of mine to still worry about each other so I am. I'm worried about each of them but there's nothing I can do. I don't know exactly what happen to Acidian. I don't know the pain Julian is enduring. I can't fully understand Elk or Fadian's situations and I can't imagine the pain Adikyas is feeling.

Why is there so much negativity?

I want to help! I need to help but how can you fix something you don't understand? What can I do?

“Shh.” Fadian hushed my thoughts, sitting behind me so that I am between his legs. His lips light graze mine and I shudder, a soft sigh escaping my lips. I can feel Fadian smile, his arms wrapping around me along with his wings.

“Relax, Love.” He soothes, pulling me against his chest and leaning back against the head board of his bed. I close my eyes and relish in his warmth. My head rest in the crook of this neck, ears pressed against his jawline. His arms around me make me feel protected. I feel him smile and I smile too. The more I let myself get lost in his scent, the deeper I am in bliss. I can feel our souls mingling and his heart beating in tune with mine. I can feel his soft aura surrounding me and the silkiness of feathers. There's no where else I'd rather be. I love Fadian.

Fadian is sweet.

Fadian loves me.

He makes me feel safe.

He is my everything.

Fadian is amazing and I don't know what I'd do with out him.

“What's on your mind? You know keeping things bottled up is a disaster for you,” He teases.

“I know,” I sigh pressing my lips against his neck. His hands start rubbing my back and small purrs begin to escape my lips.

I don't want to think about those thoughts swirling in my head. I really don't because then I don't feel like myself. Those thoughts are driving me insane.

Fadians wings fold back against his shoulder blades, letting the chill of his room get to me.

And just like that I'm pulled away from a blissful state. . .

And just like that those thoughts are back.

Those images of possibilities are in my head. Julian yelling at me golden eyes burning into me and words slicing me like knives. Screaming his head off in anger when he finds out Elk is here. Fadian's and Adikyas' faces if we find Acidian dead. Acdian's mangled body bloodied and dismembered. Elk's shredded up wolf body if Julian gets so outraged. And if Acdian is dead, Adikiyas getting sick. . . and then dying. . .

“I'm worried about every one,” I admit closing my eyes and feeling tears springing up. Fadian doesn't say anything though.

“I'm worried about what's going to happen next. I'm worried because I'm afraid I won't be able to help.. . Fadian, I'm scared,” With every word my voice becomes more panicked and my fingers curl into his shirt. Fadian just hushes me again though.

“You need to sleep,” He tells me but I shake my head.

“I can't Fadian. I need to watch over everyone. . .” I cry, feeling the tears run down my face. I pull away from him and shake my head,feeling the moisture increase.

“I need to watch over you! I need to watch over Adikyas! Hell I even have to watch over Julian!” Fadian just shakes his head at my words and tries to pull me close but I don't move.

“Fadian I don't know if I can do this. . . what is going on with us? We're just sitting ducks, Acidian is out there and we're just sitting here.” I sob. I can't take keeping this stuff bottled up, just like he said. . .

“Don't you say that!” Fadian yells suddenly, jumping to his feet. I just close my eyes and turn my head away because I know I've touched a raw subject. And Fadian has not dealt with it yet.

“Don't you dare say that! Don't Genevi! He's out there and we're going to find him! Julian said he would! Don't make it sound like we're just sitting here, because we aren't.” The demon growls. I don't have to look at him to know that his eyes are pitch black and that he's angry. I don't have to see his face to feel the pain of him being mad at me, and I know he feels it too.

“But we are. . .” I whisper refusing to allow myself to open my eyes and see his face. “What!” He yells and I flinch.

“We are! We are just sitting here!” I scream opening my eyes and seeing him at the end of the bed looking at me with those crazed eyes. Part of me wants to look away from him, from the monster he can be. There's this part of me that wants to cry and be terrified of Fadian because he is capable of doing awful things to me. I remember how Fadian hit me earlier, he couldn't control it. . . I couldn't control him. And Fadian finds pleasure in pain. . .

There's this big part of me that wants to get as far away from the demon as possible.

But there's this bigger part of me that loves him. And that's the bigger part that makes me crawl over to him, cup his face and kiss him. It's the part that pulls him close, and runs my fingers through his hair. I hear him moan into my mouth, exhaling while I inhale and the taste of him is intoxicating.

Fadian's hands slip under my shirt and my whole body shudders. He smiles at my reaction and I just purr, moving closer to him. My tail wraps around his arm, not wanting him to stop the actions. His other hand pulls out and tangles it's fingers in my hair. I tug at his hair and he presses his fingers into my scalp, grazing the ears on my head and I moan. He uses it as his chance to slip his tongue into my mouth.

I don't stop kissing him, I can't stop. I can't let him pull away because I need him.

I need Fadian and I know he needs me.

It's that big part that enjoys being with him like this. . . it's that part that always wins.